Kaoru's Notes
by fireflyMooncake
Summary: Kaoru Hitachiin is bored. He is always bored. He writes anything that come into his mind. His pen and his note is his loyal companion. But what is he writing about, anyway? Hikaru, his possessive brother, is always curious about his note. HIKARU/KAORU. ANGST/ROMANCE. Future Twincest.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hi OHSHC lovers! I mean, halo Hika/Kao fanatics! Wew. This is my first attempt writing fanfic for this couple. My first fanfic ever under OHSHC category. I am hoping this would entertain you. But I guess, it's the opposite, you see—It's ANGST. If you're a crybaby well, I warn yah. But anyway, it may be angst but it's also a ROMANCE.

By the way, I was influenced to write a fanfic for Hikaru/KaoruCOUPLE since I read this wonderful-heartwarming-touchy-angst fanfic, titled, "Dirty Little Secret." It's Hikaru and Kaoru fanfic. The story was awesome. I was crying all the way as I read it. Check it out. Believe me.

_This is an edited chapter. Some chapters are still not edited, I'll edit them when I have time, so please bear with me!_

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from this ANIME.

* * *

We're twins. Identical.

No one can change the fact that we're twins. I don't want it in any other way because it's the only claim I can brag about. It's the only connection I have with him. We have a reason to stay together. A reason to be happy.

I believe we should stay together no matter what happens in the future. We've been together for seventeen years. We saw each other's smiles and cries. And because we grew up together I believe we know each other very well.

I was confident I could read his mind. He made me believe he could read mine, too. We are twins, so of course we do. We are connected in every single thing.

We are different. We have our own world. In that world there was only him and me. It was a happy world where no one was to enter, _supposedly_. We relied to each other alone ever since we were kids. I believed it was going to be like that until the day we die. I was too confident. And I thought I was right.

But I was wrong.

Haruhi came. And I was all wrong. She entered my twin brother's world. Ever since she came the world that was exclusively for us was not exclusive anymore. Our world was slowly weakening. It wasn't for us now. Because an intruder came.

Ever since my world began I thought he was mine alone. But I was wrong. I thought I was his most important person because we're twins. I was mistaken. I was confident we didn't need anyone else other than each other. But it was all wrong. Too much, too wrong.

Twins, huh?

I smiled pathetically as I scribbled down on my notes.

"What are you writing, Kaoru?" Hikaru asked while he tried to peek on my notes but I closed it. He was my twin brother. His hair was lightly pink and he liked it tousled. His locks fell on his brows and his beautiful face was always shimmering under the heat of the sun. When I look at him, it's like I'm looking at myself.

I stared at him in my usual way. Our identical eyes met and I said, "Nothing valuable. I'm just trying to kill boredom."

I saw him knit his brows. But I wasn't alarmed. He started frowning at me ever since Haruhi came. It became his habit. I wonder if he has realized it.

"Boredom?" He repeated. "Since when did you feel bored when you're with me, Kaoru?" His voice suddenly became petulant.

'_Since you started dating Haruhi. Every time you're with her you always bring me with you—forcibly. What do you think I am, your pet? I'm your brother!' _

He stared awkwardly at me and it was killing me. I sighed. I decided to disregard his question. I opened my notes again. I scribbled down random things. But I was careful he would not see it. I scribbled and scribbled just to get away from those alien eyes. Those familiar yet alien eyes. He grew distant from me when Haruhi came to his life—our life.

"I don't know. I'm just bored right now." In the end, I answered Hikaru. He peeked into my notes and I covered it with my other hand. It added more curiosity in him. But that's what I really wanted—to get his full attention.

I was expecting that he would insist. But I was wrong.

"Fine. If you don't want to share it with me, who cares?" He raised his voice at me. I think it was the hundredth time just this day. I counted it, really. I'm such a freak.

I have a sickness. It's what you call a brother complex. I think I'm obsessed with Hikaru. I grew up in a thought that he's the only person I could rely on. He made me this way. But when he fell in love with Haruhi, he wasn't the same person anymore.

"Kaoru! Come over here—look!" Haruhi shouted at me, waving her hands from the shore. Whenever I looked at her what I always see was an intruder. Because of her Hikaru has forgotten how to read my thoughts. His was now filled with Haruhi, Haruhi and Haruhi.

They're dating for two months already. They're not really a couple—just dating. It was more like friendly dates, I guess. Hikaru was courting her a year after she joined our eccentric club in school. In a way I felt bad for my twin brother because Haruhi could not commit yet. But I think they're getting there. After all, I would not blame Haruhi if she falls in love with Hikaru.

Whatever.

Whether they're dating or not wasn't a big deal to me. Hikaru could date any girl he wanted. I would not stop him. If he wanted to marry then I would support him. I would be happy for him. But why does he have to become so distant? I wouldn't mind if he ended up with Haruhi, but I hated it whenever he chooses Haruhi first over me. I hated it when I felt like he was slowly abandoning me. I always think it was not fair.

He doesn't need to ignore me whenever she's around. He mustn't yell at me whenever he feels grumpy because Haruhi refuses to see him. He should not throw his tantrums at me just because Haruhi smiles at Tono. More importantly, he doesn't need to pretend he needs me all the time. Because I could not really feel it from him now. He's just frustrated because Haruhi hasn't returned his feelings yet.

Every time he would take Haruhi to places, Hikaru always wanted me to go with them. Always dragging me along. He wouldn't know what to do without me, he would say. He wanted my advises and help. As his younger brother, I would always end up abiding his wants. I hated myself because I could not refuse Hikaru.

When they're dating—going to cinemas, eating pancakes at home, dining at restaurants, you name it—I was always out of place. I could not catch up to their lovey-dovey mode.

I was with them but I felt like I wasn't with them. Hikaru would not even glance at me. He was head over heels on Haruhi. When they date, sometimes they forgot that I was with them. Sometimes I thought Hikaru was an idiot. He always looked like he didn't need me. So I always wonder why he wanted my presence.

Sometimes I wonder—does he purposely do that to make me jealous? To make me understand that he doesn't need me anymore? And he just doesn't have the courage to say it himself? So he's just showing it to me?

If that's the case then he's cruel. Because I needed Hikaru. I need my twin brother and I need him to consider my feelings—just like before.

Perhaps he doesn't need me anymore. He might think I'm annoying now. But I desperately needed him. Because he's my only brother. My beloved twin brother.

If he could live without me, I couldn't. Even if he would hate me, I wouldn't hate him. I promised him that I would stay at his side no matter what. So I would never leave his side unless if…he would push me away.

I don't want to hate Haruhi. She's actually nice and smart. Haruhi was the only person who could tell which was Hikaru and which was Kaoru. Ah. Sometimes Tono, too. But we always tricked him and he ended up confused. He would scream inside the music room and he'd pull out his hair in frustration. He would run to Kyoya and cry, "Mommy! What kind of father I am! I couldn't tell who's Kaoru and Hikaru anymore! Haruhi~ Daddy needs your comfort!"

He was a funny, easy guy.

Tono was an important person in our family. They owned the prestigious university that Hikaru and I were attending. We've known Tono ever since we were ten. We became acquainted with him because of his family. Hikaru and I considered him as someone we were acquainted to—he was not really a friend to us. Although it might appear that way.

He was older than us. His neat hair was blonde and his eyes were blue. He was handsome and elegant and he was really tall. But he was stupid most of the time. He had a crazy character hiding on his sleeves. Sometimes Hikaru and I liked him. Sometimes we don't.

Hikaru and I entered the club because we're both majoring in fashion design. We thought it was the best club for us because they do costume playing and photo shoots.

"Kaoru!" I jerked in surprise when I heard Haruhi's voice. I almost forgot that we're on the beach. Why were we on the beach, by the way? Ah…because Hikaru and Haruhi decided to have fun on the beach. And I was dragged along.

I lifted my face up to look where she was. She was actually sitting next to me. I hated her. She stole my brother from me. But when she smiled at me, I was defeated. I hated her. But I also couldn't hate her. Because she was such a nice person.

Sometimes I thought she casted a magic spell on me. I hated her but it would soon disappear when she would smile at me. She would call my name the way Hikaru called me years ago. No matter where I looked at it, she was nothing but friendly. If she wasn't the apple of Hikaru's eyes, we could have been best of friends. As a matter of fact, I liked Haruhi first.

"Where's Hikaru?" She asked.

"I think he went to buy some drinks." I said and she curled her tiny arms around her knees. She looked at me and asked, "You always bring a notebook with you. But even Hikaru is not allowed to look at it, right?"

I returned her stares with mine. "I use it to dispatch boredom." I tapped my pen on my blue notebook.

"You're bored?" She gasped. "I thought you like it here with us!"

I don't like it at all. They're dating and having fun in front of me! Sometimes I felt like I was just ruining their lovey-dovey dates! And I always hated Hikaru for tagging me along because he wouldn't even look at me when Haruhi's talking to him.

I was getting bored of it.

I have my limitations, too. If Hikaru planned to keep it like this, how would I find my future girlfriend then? He was so unfair.

"I love it, but you know," I started, she was waiting at my next words. When she stared at me innocently, I had a small thought. She was like Tono. She was innocently stupid at times. This thought made me smile. And when I think of Tono, screaming and pulling out his hair inside the music room, I couldn't help but laugh.

I composed myself and said to her, "Well, I'm just ruining your dates with Hikaru, you know. I don't have to be here. I'm afraid you might mistaken this for being so possessive over him." In a way, I was possessive over Hikaru. I don't like it if people steal his time from me. But if Hikaru's happy, I wouldn't argue.

I could hide my emotions, anyway.

This kind of setup wasn't my fault. It was Hikaru who insisted that I should go with him. Ever since Haruhi came there were times that I couldn't read Hikaru's mind. She disturbed both of us—a lot.

"Hikaru said you wanted to join with us." She said and I was agape. I widened my eyes at her. She added, "Don't tell me he forced you? Is he possessive over you?" She caught my hands and enclosed them with hers. She looked like a worried friend and I didn't know why. We're not friends. We just happen to know each other.

"It wasn't like that, Haruhi!" I pulled my hands from her grasp. Then I laughed to ease the sudden tension. I didn't want her to think that way of Hikaru.

"Haruhi." Hikaru intervened and we turned to him. He was standing in front of us. In his hands there were three cans of cold drinks. It was strange but I felt suddenly nervous. He handed a can to Haruhi but his glaring eyes didn't left mine. I felt like crying. Why would he glare at me like that? I didn't do anything wrong.

I lowered my head to focus myself on the beach sand. I felt like crying but I had to suppress it. He was torturing me recently. If he wouldn't yell at me, he would stare at me angrily. I don't even know why. Ever since he fell in love with Haruhi he became a different person.

"Vanilla! Thanks, Hikaru." Haruhi said and it was her who handed me my share. Hikaru sat beside her. And he was smiling at her.

I felt pang in my chest. He was smiling at her the way he did to me when we still had our own world. He changed. He wouldn't smile at me like that anymore unless we're in school.

Why was Hikaru acting this way?

He doesn't need me anymore, does he? But I needed him.

_I need you Hikaru. You're the only treasure that I have. You're the only one who understands me. You're my twin brother. But ever since Haruhi came…you started to grew apart from me._

I saw them laughing. I lowered my head and let my curly bangs cover my eyes. I didn't want them to see the jealousy in my eyes. I moved a little to distance myself from Haruhi. Just a little farther. Just a small space that would separate me from them. Then I opened my notebook and started scribbling down. Yes, I just wanted to ease the pain. And I wanted to let go of this jealousy.

I was getting bored.

I wanted to believe I was bored.

Don't mind them. Just don't mind them. You're doing good, Kaoru.

* * *

I stood by the massive glass windows. I was staring at the setting sun. I didn't know how I managed to get here. Ahh. I remembered. They were laughing. They were talking. And I was there scribbling on my notes. The next thing I knew, they were gone at my side. I didn't notice them walking away.

Hikaru was such a fool. It wasn't like him to forget about me. It wasn't like him to leave me behind. He hadn't done that before. We were always together. But today was different. Hikaru didn't care about my existence, they left me in pain. Even Haruhi forgot that I was with them. Seriously.

I was thinking that perhaps…perhaps Hikaru's feelings were finally accepted. Maybe they're an official couple now. If that wasn't the case I didn't know what other reasons would they have to forget about me.

When I realized that they're gone, I left the beach and went home. I didn't even bother to call our driver to pick me up. I just walked and walked until I found myself at the gate of our house. My feet were hurting.

"Kaoru!" I flinched at the sudden bang on my door. It was Hikaru.

I walked to him and smiled. "Oniisan, you were so mean. You left me behind."

We had separate rooms now. And whenever he would enter my room, he would wear a happy, excited smile. He would have this enthusiastic face and he would hug me then. He would always tell me how happy his day was. How Haruhi smiled at him and how he loved her. He would thankfully tell me that he's happy I was his brother. Because I could understand his rumblings and so on.

Today was different. I couldn't see those emotions on his face now. He looked furious and I think I know why. See. I know him very well. I know his expressions and moods. However, I wonder and wonder—could Hikaru still read my own facial expressions?

"You told Haruhi, why?" he raised a brow and he grabbed my left arm. It hurts. Hikaru…it hurts.

"Tell what?" I pretended I didn't know. I pulled my arm back but he wouldn't let me.

"You told her that I was forcing you to come with us! You want to ruin my image to her, do you, Kaoru?" His grip was tightening on my arm. I wanted to tell him that it was hurting me. But I couldn't say it because I know I would regret it later. Hikaru was really bad at controlling his emotions. He was insensitive that it was almost stupid. He might now know that he was already hurting me. But he's Hikaru. He's my older brother so I wouldn't mind if I get hurt because of him.

I think he didn't mean to hurt me, anyway. He's just insensitive.

"I didn't tell her, Hikaru. She figured it out herself. That's all." I said, staring back at his fiery eyes. When I didn't avert my eyes from him, he did.

"I—is that so?" He gasped. His grip was loosening. "But you must take it back, Kaoru. Tell her that you really wanted to come with us. Tell her anything—just don't make her blame herself just because you're feeling bored!"

Ah. So that was it. He didn't want Haruhi to feel bad. How could I miss it? I thought I knew the reason. But I was again wrong. Everything now between Hikaru and I became difficult because of Haruhi. It shouldn't have been like this.

We were supposed to understand each other because we're twins. Why did it turn out this way? I might be the only one who felt bad about this.

But Hikaru was cruel. He could at least consider my own feelings, too. He was the older one, he should be more careful and keener than I. He could at least show it to me that I was important, too.

What happened to him? He was always caring and loving before. He was always protective of me. In a glimpse, it was all gone. Why? Just because he liked Haruhi would it necessarily mean that he must ignore me?

"Kaoru!" he snapped and I blinked. "Promise me that you'll tell Haruhi tomorrow!"

Honestly, I couldn't find a reason why I should. I didn't say anything wrong to her. But I didn't want Hikaru to get mad at me. I didn't want to see him frustrated. So I replied, "I will, Hikaru. Don't worry. Haruhi won't dump you just because of that simple matter."

"Ah, Kaoru! Thanks." He snapped and he hugged me tight. But it wasn't long enough. He pulled out from his embrace and patted my head, "Sorry that I grabbed your hand. I'm sorry that I left you earlier. And I swear I will not do it again."

His apology was enough. He was dating Haruhi for two months, and during those days he couldn't even pat my head the way he did now. Unless we do our lovey-dovey act inside the music room, Hikaru wouldn't even touch me. I missed his hand on my head. I really wanted him back. I wanted his caring stares again.

I stuck my tongue out at him, then I winked, "Hey, it's okay. We're twins remember?"

He looked down and his bangs covered his eyes and said, "Yeah. Anyway, that's all." He turned around and hurried his way out to the door.

I felt the familiar pain again in my chest. Why did it hurt me every time he walked away?

I think that…I was always afraid he might never return.

* * *

_Hey, YOU, yes you. You know, I would be happy if you leave me comments! I'll send you lots of mymwaa-hugs! - FIREFLYMOONCAKE_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Wew. I actually couldn't wait for tomorrow. Today is Thursday and—Posting time! I got a sole reviewer and two alerters, and I was kind of disappointed since I was thinking like, "No one likes this story after all." *tears* _

_But I'm glad some guys loved this. Please please review! I need your opinions!_

_Special Thanks to:__**Ebony-S-White!**__ My first reviewer ever! (And the only one who did at this fanfic)_

_Disclaimer: Do I still need to repost this again? Ah. Yii. I don't own anything from this anime. _

_This is an edited version. _

_Love you all!_

* * *

I sat on a chair inside the third music room. I held a pen between my fingers. A blue note on my other hand. We didn't have cosplay today. We didn't have activities aside entertaining ladies. Everything was just ordinary. In days like this, I was often bored to death.

Kyouya was busy on his laptop. There was a ledger on his lap. He was calculating the expenses I believe. What else would he do, anyway?

Tono was on his side. He was like a dog waggling his tail at the Shadow Prince. He was talking nonstop about the preparations for tomorrow's costume play. I couldn't imagine why Tono-senpai was talking about "preparing" for tomorrow when he should busy himself about what was "today".

Honey was eating strawberry cake on the table. Usa-chan was held in his small arms. Mori was beside him. He would occasionally wipe Honey's mouth every time the sweet-enthusiastic boy left crumbs on his bottom lip.

Honey and Mori senpai graduated last year, but because they're too absorbed in our club they had decided to stay. There were times that they couldn't come though. And there were days that they were not present at all.

I saw Hikaru talking to Haruhi on the other table.

Renge was out somewhere, or rather say, she's below us. As always, she was locking herself in her underground basement. Perhaps I should become her apprentice. I wanted to lock myself underground too.

You see, I was alone here. It was getting boring.

I heard Hikaru laughed together with Haruhi and I couldn't help but glance over them. He was smiling. He was laughing. He was happy. And he won't glance at me.

He didn't care for me. But I care for him. It wasn't fair.

I saw him pat Haruhi's head and I flinched. I wished I was her. Oniisan rarely pat my head recently.

I saw him put his right arm on her shoulders, he whispered something to her that I wished I could hear. When Haruhi blushed I felt heavy on my chest. I didn't notice I was actually clenching. My pen almost broke.

I startled when Hikaru glanced at me. But briefly, I smiled. I gave him a thumbs up to reassure that he was doing well. I saw him took a sigh. Then he went back talking to her.

But why? Was he mad? I cleared the misunderstanding with Haruhi this morning. I did what he told me so. He could at least smile back at me. In fact, Haruhi even laughed at me when I said sorry to her. The nerve. She said, "Why are you sorry? It wasn't a big deal."

Great. It wasn't a big deal to her. But to Hikaru it was greater than great. He was madly in love with her. And his love was stupid.

It didn't matter to me if he was talking with Haruhi instead of me. At first I thought it didn't. But then again, I was wrong. As days went by, I was getting more and more jealous of her.

Hikaru snaked his arms around her slim waist. I widened my eyes. Why would he do that? They're on that level now? The nerve. He wasn't holding anyone except me before! Hikaru should be holding me and not Haruhi.

Wait. Hold me what? Seriously.

Wait. Don't tell me Haruhi returned his feelings?

Were they a couple now? Haruhi wouldn't let him hold her waist. She used to slap his hands. She didn't this time. Did it mean…that?

I felt moist under my eyes. I was surprised at myself. When I couldn't help it, a drop fell. I quickly wiped it off with a hand. I was afraid that someone might notice. I didn't even know why I cried.

I smiled pathetically.

I opened my note and started writing on it. I think I was bored. I wrote and scribbled things on it. I hated this feeling. My hand was shaking, either in pain or jealousy, then my pen fell off my fingers. I took it again and wrote. But why? Why was I shaking?

"What are you writing, Kaoru?" Tono peeked over my shoulders. I almost jumped from the chair. I didn't notice him coming.

"Nothing." I told him. But I was stuttering. I scratched my hair ridiculously. He leaned closer and he was desperate.

"You're so into it. What is it?" He insisted and I sighed. I saw him widened his violet eyes as he covered his mouth a hand. He had his dramatic gesture again.

"Don't tell me Kyoya has influenced you? Kaoru, are you his apprentice now? Oh no!" Seriously. Tono's an idiot sometimes.

I closed my note. "I'm doodling. It's getting boring here."

"You're bored? Seriously?" Tono asked. When he had processed my statement, he freaked out. He ran to Kyoya. "Mommy! Mommy! I can't believe this is happening! You couldn't believe this! Believe me, Mommy!"

Everyone in the room turned to look at me. I averted my eyes when I met Hikaru's eyes.

"Yes, Daddy?" Kyoya pushed up his glasses. But it couldn't hide the fact he was a little annoyed at Tamaki's rambling.

"But Mommy! Kaoru is feeling bored in this club! What should I do? Should we host a party now? Hire a band?" Tono screamed at Kyoya's ears.

Kyoya pushed him away and then he looked at me. It was a long stare then he shrugged his shoulders. "Kaoru seems alright. Right, Kaoru?"

"Tono's just exaggerating it." I answered, sticking out my tongue just like the old times.

"Haruhi~ No one believes Daddy! I know Kaoru's hiding something from me~!" He screamed to Haruhi. He was completely out of himself. He dramatically drew forward to embrace Haruhi but was stopped in a minute. Hikaru blocked him.

"Don't be clingy to her, Tono-senpai!" He said. "She's mine now."

Tono looked surprised. I was feeling the same. Even though I shouldn't be.

"You're so mean Hikaru! I'm the King!" Tono quickly recovered.

"It doesn't mean you can harass her."

"I'm not harassing her!"

"You were about to hug her!"

"I just feel like I want to hug someone!"

"Then hug yourself!" Hikaru said and Tono fell on his knees—dramatically.

"Where is the love in this place?" Tono said as if he was reciting a poem. Here we go again. He looked up on the ceiling and added, "Kaoru is bored. Kyoya doesn't believe me. Hikaru is mean. Honey loves sweets. Mori is Mori. And I couldn't hug Haruhi. What kind of punishment is this?"

"Shut up Tamaki! We're going to open soon!" Kyoya yelled. Tono went in a corner with his puppy, gloomy eyes. I think he was planting mushrooms again.

Whatever.

I stood up. I felt like I wasn't in the mood to play as a host today. I wonder why. But I just didn't have the pull to act our usual incestuous-brotherly-love in front of those freaking fan girls. I wanted to go home. Sleep and perhaps never waking up. It would be much better if I would never wake up.

I have nothing anymore.

The only person I ever wanted in my life didn't need me unlike before. I felt worthless.

I couldn't even make him smile. These past few months he was always yelling at me, scorning at me, ignoring me, and sometimes he would forgot about me. It was too much already. It was so sickening.

I exited the third music room. I held my pen and notebook. No one noticed my silent exit. Everyone was bothered by Tono's dramatic planting of mushrooms.

I wanted to go home early. But I ended up in the school's infirmary. I was not sick. But I felt like I was. I entered and no one was there. Great.

I shoved off the curtain and laid on the bed.

With a sad heart, I closed my eyes. I was like that for a moment.

"Here you are." I snapped my eyes open when I heard Kyoya's voice. I didn't notice that he opened the bed's curtain.

I met Kyoya's dark eyes behind his shining glasses. He was cool.

"What are you doing here, Kyoya-senpai?"

"I should be asking that," he said pushing up his glasses. "Why did you leave the club? The tasks are at hand. We're losing much money if you won't go back."

"I don't feel like entertaining customers today, senpai." I said as I turned my back. I closed my eyes as I pillowed my left arm.

"It's about Hikaru. Right?" He asked.

"You should go back and comfort Tono." I said, turning my back from him. I closed my eyes. I wasn't sick. I was just feeling strange lately. It was something I couldn't explain.

"Let me guess. You feel like Hikaru's abandoned you." He said.

I wanted to cover my ears but I couldn't, he would feel bad.

"Recently, your hanging out with us is severely affected. You don't even look good. What's wrong, Kaoru?"

I was surprised when Kyoya said that. It wasn't like him. I thought he said I was alright. Why was he saying this now?

"Are you mad at their relationship?"

I was taken aback. Was I mad? Or was I sad?

"He deserves it. I am happy for him." I said. "We can't stay together forever."

Kyoya gently pulled my arm so I could face him. I saw his appalled expression. I never saw that kind of expression before. He seemed like a different person now.

"Hey, Kaoru…" Kyoya wiped my cheeks with his fingers. I was shocked then. I was crying? Shoot. Idiot! How could I cry in front of someone—and Kyoya of all people!

"You're not really alright, are you?" He said and I pushed him away.

"This is nothing." I feigned a laugh. I sounded like crazy. Then my laughs turned into cries. I couldn't hold it anymore.

"You can tell it to me." I heard him say. Tell what?

He pulled me into his arms and I was confused. Why was he acting weird? His voice was gentle and soft. It wasn't his usual voice—he was always cold. I wondered at Kyoya's concern. But my heart was aching. And I was crying. And I didn't care about his sudden change.

I felt so alone.

Betrayed.

I cried and it was loud. Horrible.

"I'm not used to this." I told him, sobbing onto his chest. He felt warm. His smell was soothing to my nose. .

"I think Hikaru would feel the same if you found someone else first." He answered. And he combed my curly hair gently. I cried more when I wished they were Hikaru's hands.

"I've seen you two for two years. You were inseparable."

"It isn't the case now, Kyoya." I said, my hands were clutching his chest.

"Well," he said, "You have to accept it. You'll end up hurting yourself."

"I'm not against him dating Haruhi. But he's ignoring me because of it! He gets mad at me now and I think it isn't fair.

"That's not how I see it." he said. "I think you're ignoring each other. Did something happen between you two aside Haruhi?"

I didn't answer. I sniffed. How would I know? Hikaru started it first. I gripped on his shirt tighter, as if I thought it was Hikaru and I just felt like squeezing him at this time.

"He's pretending he needs me although he doesn't. It hurts me like that."

"My, my. A jealous twin brother you are Kaoru." Kyoya told me. "Don't be a brat, you're not a kid anymore."

"Thank you." I said. "For comforting me."

"It was Haruhi who told me to follow you." He said and I looked up to him. His face was so close to me. But I didn't bother myself in our close proximity. I was more concerned of what he said.

"Why would she? And why would you?" I asked.

"Well," he started but the door opened.

"Kaoru!" Hikaru's rough voice sent shiver to my entire body. It was harsh and horrifying. My twin brother stood by the door. And he was furious. I don't know why he would be.

His trimmed brows knit together. His fists were clenched. I knew why. I was here on bed with Kyoya. We looked like cuddling each other and our faces were close. He must be thinking we're going to kiss. See? I could read his thoughts. But I wonder if he could still read mine.

But wait…kiss? Kyoya? Why would we do that! There was no way it was right.

"What are you two doing?!" He yelled. And the next thing I knew, Kyoya fell on the hard floor. I was so shocked that I couldn't even shout in surprise. It happened so quick.

I saw Kyoya stood up and his right cheek was swollen. There was blood on his bottom lip. I felt sorry for his beautiful face. He picked up his fallen glasses while he remained calm as much as possible. I ran to Kyoya and tried to assist him, but Hikaru grabbed my arm. He pulled me behind him, as if a battle was happening and he had to hide me.

"Touch him again and you're dead meat, Kyoya!"

Hikaru pulled me and I was dragged out of the room. But I took a final glance at Kyoya. He looked at me in assurance that he was alright. Then Hikaru closed the door hard.

His grip was tight and I felt like he was going to break my wrist. I rubbed my eyes using my other free hand, I had hoped he hadn't notice my tears. Then I tried to pull my arm off from his. But Hikaru was much stronger when he's angry.

I didn't know where we're going.

"Let go of my hand, Hikaru." I told him. Why was he so mad? Kyoya and I didn't do anything wrong. And even if we did, he had nothing to do with it. He stopped caring for me now, right. He should just go to Haruhi.

"I said let go!" I hardened my voice.

I thought my heartbeat stopped for a second when Hikaru pinned me on the wall. He pinned me hard. And my back ached. I was suddenly scared of him.

"What were you doing there with Kyoya? Is this what you do when I'm not around?! Flirting with Kyoya? Who else are you flirting with, Tono? Haruhi?"

I wanted to slap him. How dare he say such thing to me? But his eyes were scary and he looked like he was going to eat me alive. For the very first time in our twin life, I felt frightened by him.

What's with Hikaru recently?

Flirting, me? Since when did I ever do that? I couldn't even date someone because he was always dragging me on his own dates! Stupid Hikaru.

"I wasn't flirting. And even if I would, you have nothing to do with it, Hikaru." I answered him. I felt his grip tightened on my wrist. Oh God, it hurts. I could feel his strong fingers clenching my weak, female bones. He was too cruel. And I was too stupid for letting him hurt me. It wasn't fair.

_When you started dating Haruhi, you didn't hear my complaint. I didn't get mad because you flirt with her in front of my eyes. In fact, I gave you all my support. If I ever flirt with someone, Kyoya or Tono, you don't have the right to stop me. Because when Haruhi stole you away, I didn't stop you!_

"Why are you mad anyway? You didn't have to punch Kyoya like that. We didn't do anything wrong." I said and my voice was weak. Strangely, I tried not to show the pain from his grip tight, I didn't want him to notice that his touch was hurting me like hell. I knew I would regret it later. And I didn't want him to feel sorry just because he hurt me. I was really stupid.

I lowered my head, I didn't want him to notice the tears that were starting to form under my eyes. He was hurting me. But he didn't realize he was. Like me, Hikaru was stupid. Ever since Haruhi came, we were both stupid.

"Don't lie at me, Kaoru! I saw it with my own eyes! You were hugging with no one else around! What if Kyoya did something to you?"

"Kyoya isn't what you think he is!" I hissed. How could he say such a thing to senpai?

"Then how will you explain it to me what I just saw?"

"It was nothing! He was helping me because I feel sick. Why don't you believe me anymore?!" I said, and my voice was shaking.

His grip was then lax. I felt relieved when he freed my wrist. The next thing I knew his head was on my right shoulder. I could feel his heavy breathes on my chest. He seemed calmer now.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru. Of course I believe you." He said.

He pulled me into his arms and he hugged me with care. Oh how I've waited for this time to come! I've waited Oniisan's protective embrace for so long. Yes, ever since she came.

He caressed my hair and said, "You should have told me earlier that you're not feeling well."

He was calm. But I wasn't. I could feel my own chest making heavy breathes and I wondered why I feel hot. It was strange and my emotions were stirred up.

"I don't want to ruin your time with Haruhi." I answered. His hands stopped caressing me. I wished he didn't stop.

I didn't know why I feel so strange. I could hear my own heart thumping so fast, very fast that I think Oniisan must have heard it. I wished we were like this forever. How I wanted to stay it like this. Hikaru, my twin brother, just holding me like this within his arms. It was comfortable.

All I know was that I wanted to feel his warmth. I wanted his warm skin against me. Just me and Hikaru. No one else.

"Hey Kaoru, I shouldn't tell you about this. I was supposed to surprise you but…" he paused and he held me tighter. I gasped. I missed Hikaru's scent. He added, "Haruhi accepted me already. She's my girlfriend now."

I know.

I knew it the way she blushed earlier. I should be happy but why did it hurt? I couldn't explain how painful it was I was feeling. It made me lonelier.

"Yeah I know." I said.

He pulled out from his embrace then he leaned his forehead against mine, "Oi Kaoru. How did you know? Did she tell you first?"

I smiled pitifully. "I just did." I poked his nose and added, "She didn't tell me. I figured it out myself."

He gave me an appalled look. Then I said, "What?"

"You should at least congratulate me. I was hoping you would be happy for me."

Happy. Of course I was. I would support Hikaru in whatever decisions he would make. I would support him even if it hurts. Even if it means I have to let him go. That I have to set free.

"Of course I am happy." I replied with a fake smile. I kissed him on his cheek, then to his other one, "Congratulations to your first girlfriend, Oniisan."

Click. Flashed of light.

We turned around and we saw Kyoya with his camera, he was taking pictures of us. There was a devilish grin on his lips. How long has he been there?

"Kyoya-senpai! How dare you take pictures without our consent!" Hikaru fumed as he started to give senpai another jab, but I restrained him.

"Stop, Hikaru."

"This is compensation of what Hikaru did to me earlier." Kyoya said, pushing up his glasses. He smiled menacingly, "I could make the club richer after I sell these photos, you know. What do you think, Kaoru?"

I sighed. But I smiled at him, anyway.

"As if I would let you—"

"Stop, Hikaru." I pulled him back. "You should actually apologize to what you did." I said. I gave him a serious look.

He grimaced. "As if I would."

He turned and walked away. I felt sorry for his impolite behavior. He wasn't fair at all. He never listens to me. I turned to Kyoya and said, "I'm sorry for what he did, senpai. He really has bad temper, you know." I bowed slightly at him.

"It's okay, Kaoru. He's always like that. But seriously, how do you feel now?"

Ah.

"I'm alright now. Thanks about earlier." I scratched my temples and I felt slightly embarrass. I was about to turn around when he added, "Kaoru," so I glanced back at him.

"If you feel like crying, I'm always right here."

I smiled at him. "Thanks Kyoya-senpai."

However, I don't need anyone's comfort but Hikaru's.

I need him and that's all I know.

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_Hey! Yes, you...will you be kind to me and tell me what you think about this story? Thank you! Mwaa hugs to you._


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks for the reviews everyone! Special thanks to:**Ebony-S-White**, **NefertariNami**, **Wings Dipped in Silver**, **OceanLovesRoxas **for the heartwarming reviews and for listing this fanfic into their FAVS! Thanks to my ANONYMOUS reviewers, **sunshine, bleach68, and ~**. Ahaha. I update so fast. I couldn't help myself. I just love torturing Kaoru. Lol.

Disclaimer: I don't own OHSHC

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Today, Tono decided we're Racers.

The theme was we're in the racing field. Clad in our racer gears. I don't know how Kyoya had managed to transform the third music room into an enormous _exaggerated_ racing field. But I didn't think much. He can even transform the music room into a stunning palace in just one day.

It was one of those normal days inside the third music room. Fan girls were everywhere. Giggling. Then in a one corner, Hikaru and I were cuddled to each other. Fan girls were screaming gibberish words as they fluttered while witnessing our incestuous brotherly love.

"Ah~Hikaru!" I sounded like hurt. But it wasn't a difficult thing to pretend I'm hurt, since I know the word and I know how it feels pretty badly. Ever since she came.

"Kaoru~!" He came to my aid, gently grabbing my hand and pulled it to the front of his face. I blushed slightly when he kissed my knuckles, since it wasn't in Kyoya's script, then I shook my head and proceed to my line.

"I'm hurt, Oniisan." I would say, faking a wounded expression on my face, pushing my body closer to his.

He cupped my chin and both of us fake a blushing face.

Then the fan girls started screaming incoherent language. I just rolled my eyes.

"What part of you is hurt, Kaoru? Did you bump yourself in a car? Oh my pretty lovely brother~ Tell me and Oniisan would do any to ease your pain." That line struck me. I wasn't able to recall my words. Since I was struck by Hikaru's line. You know why?

Coz I was praying. I prayed. Oh how I wished Hikaru meant his words. How I wished he meant it and he would do _any_ just to **ease** the _pain_ I currently stupidly have. Ever since she came.

But I slapped my thoughts. Just smile and go on to the current flow. "Hikaru, I carelessly bit my tongue."

I saw the fan girls widening their already widened eyes. They're such a voyeur.

"Oh Kaoru, my poor little brother!" he snaked his arms around my waist and I was unease, it's not that this was the first time he did it to me, but I still felt weird.

He stared at me and I was terrified at my own thoughts, then he said as he pressed our forehead, "Open your mouth Kaoru, allow your big brother see your tongue. Oniisan will suck off the pain. Ah~ it must be so painful!"

I was kind of nervous and embarrass, but who cares?

I was just about to open my mouth when the fan girls were already screaming so loud, so loud that some of the props were falling off from the ceiling. "~!!!"

Then that day, Tono and Kyoya gave us a big reward for the marvelous performance we'd played. Yes, it was just a play. It was one of those normal days inside the host club. Hikaru and I were playing our role, just like that. But.

Why did it hurt?

Before, it didn't matter to me if we're just pretending. And we were used to it. But as the days went by my feelings were stirred and it was unexplainable.

I wonder what's wrong with me.

~_~

I was on my room at the Hitachiin mansion. I sat on a chair and rested my head over the table. I was bored. I heard my feet tapping noisily on the carpeted floor. The windows were closed and only the small electric lamp lit the murky room.

I am bored.

Then I sighed. Hikaru wasn't around. Today is Sunday. No school, no fan girls, no hosts, no Haruhi and Hikaru flirting in front of my eyes. Just me alone. And it isn't supposedly like this.

During this sort of days, Hikaru and I would go out strolling and sometimes ride in our limo, sometimes we're designing clothes, sometimes at Kyoya and Tono's house just pestering their worlds. But everything had changed. I am alone.s

And I am bored.

Hikaru was out somewhere. I don't know exactly where since he wasn't telling me anymore. But I'm certain. He's with Haruhi. It wasn't hard to tell since they're a couple and guess what, they've been together for a month now. I wonder how I managed to endure the loneliness.

I'm such a loner now.

I glanced at the picture frame placed on the table. Hikaru and I were smiling there. He was hugging me from behind and I was feeding him a lollipop. We were so happy there and it's like we're the only person living on earth. I smiled recalling the past. Back there, we were always together in every single minute. I stared at Hikaru on the picture and then tears just flew down carelessly.

I missed Hikaru. The old Hikaru.

I took my pen and opened my note. I am bored. And since I am then I'm just going to write whatever my mind and hands lead me to. Ever since Hikaru dated Haruhi I was like this, and I always reasoned that "I am bored."

Well, indeed I am.

I wrote and wrote but I didn't know if understand my unsystematic writings. It was random. Everything I have in my mind. Random. I believed it was. Whatever. I just loved to write to ease the loneliness and to kill the boredom.

I heard clicking of keys and the door opened.

As I turned I was surprised that it was actually Hikaru. There was a candid smile on his lips. Then he sauntered towards me, so I closed back my note and smiled at him, "Hikaru, I can't believe you didn't knock."

"I did but you didn't answer. So I have to use my spare key, geez." he said and went to switch on my room's main light, "You should switch on the light. And why are you closing the curtains? It's dark here."

"I just like it this way." I said standing up. "What is it you want to tell?" I know he has, I know him.

Then he went closer to me, "Kaoru, today is our first monthsary."

Why was it hearing that from his own mouth hurts like hell?

But I fake a chuckle to hide the pain. I crossed my arms like the way when I was teasing him, "So do you want me to congratulate you?"

I saw it. He frowned. But for a second. "No. I planned to surprise Haruhi. We're going to the beach and I want you to come."

Stupid. Stupid stupid Hikaru. Why you do always loved torturing me like this? Do you even know what you were saying?

I put my right hand in my pocket, then I clenched inside, "Why should I go there with you? It's a special day just between you and Haruhi. Come on Hikaru, you should grow up more. Try to do everything on your own without my help. It will disappoint Haruhi if you bring me with you."

"But I just want you to come. You're my brother after all, I want you there. Haruhi would be happy if you'd come. Besides, I just can't…go to the beach and be happy knowing that you're here and not with me. You loved beaches and you wouldn't get bored there."

Sometimes…I don't really understand Hikaru. Nowadays, his mood changes from that and this kind of sort.

"But Hikaru," he cut me off when he snaked his arms around my waist, I was surprised when he nuzzled his face on my neck, and somehow my feelings _right there_ wasn't just right. "But please Kaoru, you need to come, too. I need you there."

But why? _You need me there with you but in the end you'd end up ignoring me the whole day. Why are you torturing me like this? You aren't fair. You always get what you want. You always let me do what you want. You always use the fact I couldn't DENY or REFUSE your requests. And here I am, the one who always end up in pain. Why._

"Okay. But in a one condition." I said then he faced me, eyes bewildering. "I'll come with you. But there'll be no more after this. Every time you want to date Haruhi, I'll help in the process and preparations, but I would not go with you."

I saw dash of sadness on his eyes, but I smiled at him to dispatch that from his, "Hikaru, the time is running out."

Sometimes I wonder who was the older between us. He is. But I think his mind was not yet fully develop into full maturity.

"Fine. I agree." he answered but he didn't seem to mean it, he was forced to agree. Then he pulled me, "Let's go now. Haruhi's waiting."

And there was one thing I noticed since I don't know when, and that was, it hurts to hear every time he calls her name.

~_~

My older brother and Haruhi were just right there. Right there on the shore, holding hands, laughing, giggling, and sometimes Hikaru would kiss her on the cheek. And here I am sat on the warm sand, with only a pen and note as my loyal companions, occasionally glancing at them to witness how happy they were.

I'm such an idiot. I could go to somewhere else where I couldn't see their sweetness, I could perhaps take a swim on the other side. I could perhaps just SLEEP. But I didn't. Here. Right here I could see them and they're just too perfect.

I felt I'm out of place.

I scribbled. I write. Just anything to ease the boredom. Hikaru said I won't get bored since I loved the beach and its scenery, but why am I bored? I loved the beach but somehow, right now, the beach and everything didn't entertain me. I think there must be something wrong with me.

I'm starting to get bored so easily. Everything doesn't amuse me. No one seems to interest me now. I'm bored. There's something odd happening to me. I wonder why.

"What are you writing, Kaoru?"

I looked up and a tense feeling afflicted my chest, "I'm doodling." I answered and went back to my note.

He sat beside me, closer, and closer that I think my chest started to burn. "What are you doodling then?" God, what's happening to me.

"You and Haruhi. You two are just perfect." I answered, finishing my self-proclaimed art. He peeked and I flinched when his wet hair slightly brushed my chin. "Oh, this isn't right, Kaoru."

I doodled and it resulted very ugly. It was Hikaru and Haruhi on the shore, holding hands, watching as the sun started to set. They were so perfectly sweet.

"You don't have to discourage me. I know I'm not good in drawing anyway." I said and he grabbed my note and pen. Then he doodled something there. I just hope he wouldn't scan the other pages.

"Here! Now this is perfect!" he exclaimed, flailing the note on the air but I grabbed it and took a look.

My sadness and pain suddenly went off for that moment. But I didn't know if I am to smile or laugh. I just felt glad and I was touched when Hikaru added something there. Someone. He doodled an uglier me who sat on his left side, and his left arm hooked around my waist while the other was holding Haruhi's hand. It was strange but I was glad.

"Not bad." I commented.

"Everything wouldn't be perfect without you Kaoru." he said and I was stunned.

And then his stares were suddenly melting me. It's odd. I'm odd.

"Hikaru! Kaoru! Look! I caught a crab!" she called and Hikaru immediately went towards her. But I was left baffled.

What was he supposed to mean?

~_~

There was a shrill thud on the floor and when I felt pain on my bottoms I realized it was me who fell.

I slowly sat up and sluggishly looked up at my bed. I was surprised when I saw Hikaru was there, in his deep slumber. Shirtless. I'm starting to feel awkward at the sudden sight.

_Geez._

What was he doing in my room? I sighed and stood up. I went back to my bed and adjusted myself at his side, then I was startled when he clasped his arms on my shoulder's back, hugging me closer to him.

His face was close to mine and I blushed strangely when I stared carelessly to his lips.

"Kaoru…" he sleep-talk and I was agape. Why was he calling me during his sleep? Was he having a nightmare and I was there? His voice sounded so sad and gloomy. It was more like horrified. Am I the monster in his dream?

I shifted and embraced my arms around him, too, so we were now embracing each other. And I felt so satisfied. It had been a long time since we were like this. I wanted to make him feel that it was alright. It was just his nightmare. I wouldn't forgive myself if I'm the monster on his dream. I didn't want to scare him, not even on his dream. That's how much I loved Hikaru. I wonder how much he'd loved me, too. He wasn't being very vocal with his emotions.

I didn't realize I was staring at his lips for a longer time now. I felt hotness all over my body in a sudden. It was strange but, at that moment I thought, I wanted to kiss his lips.

I wanted to brush mine against his and I wanted to feel Oniisan's warmth very badly. I wanted him. Disgusts went through my mind. Ew. What was that in a sudden?

But he was cute when he sleeps. He was too innocent when he sleeps. And then slowly, stupidly, and oh-so disgustingly, I went closer to kiss Hikaru's lips. He was warm and soft. And tempting. Freaking hot and handsome. I kissed him.

Then reality strike through.

I was petrified. I pulled myself and quickly stood up, I don't know how I managed to free myself from his STRONG arms, but I did. Hooray I did. I widened my eyes and I was disgusted to myself! He moved slightly but I was thankful he was a heavy sleeper.

I ran my fingers on my mouth and I felt like vomiting. I shivered and I cursed myself as I ran out from my room. I'm disgusted to myself.

I cursed myself for the first time.

Why did I kiss him?

There must be something wrong with me!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Ah. I feel pity for Kaoru. sunshine: I should've mention it in the earlier chapters that Kaoru didn't know that he was in fact, in love with Hikaru. He believed his feelings for his twin was just a brotherly love and nothing more, but let's see on this chapter what would happen next. Hikaru here is somewhat stupid, I hate his stupid childishness and he is indeed, dense in a way, he is hurting Kaoru but didn't notice it. But I love the way how his so possessive towards Kaoru.

Ebony-S-White: Thank you xo much for your heartmelting comment! Yii, even I myself was a bit crying and emotional while I was writing chapters 1 and 2, espcially the scene where Hikaru was gripping his wrist tight but wasnt even noticing it! Kaoru's so hurt he didnt even notice! Gosh! I was like, "Gah! I couldn't believe I was making Kaoru being tortured by Hikaru!" But it can't be help since it was the plot I created. Nah.

This chapter is for:** Ebony-S-White!** You keep on giving me heartwarming reviews! And since you craved for CHAPTER FOUR that much, then, here it is!

Disclaimer: I dont't own anything from this Anime. Just this fanfic.

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**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter Four

"Senpai, I think I need your help." I asked.

"Help? Can it benefit the club in return?" he tilted his head and pushed down his glasses, eyes were in absolute darkness but it couldn't hide the fact that he's confused.

"I'll do whatever you ask after this Senpai. I just need your help." I egged on. It's Monday, and right after our club had closed I decided to stay and talk to Kyoya-senpai. When the other hosts exited, I went to Kyoya who was still busy on his laptop and ledger. Hikaru was busy with Haruhi anyway, so he didn't actually notice that I wasn't with him when he went off.

"Oh. Why me?" he enquired as he stood up, he took off his glasses and put it over his table. "You know I demand compensation, didn't you?" he was standing now in front of me, he was close and I realized he was actually taller than me. And his eyes without glasses weren't that scary at all.

"Ah," I stuttered although there's no reason, "Coz you're the only one who could actually help me, haha." I played my fingers on my locks, "So, will you help me Senpai?"

"What kind of help do you want?" he crossed his arms in his usual arrogant way.

Well.

"I think I need to see a psychiatrist. Do you know any?" I said almost hesitantly. I didn't even look into his eyes coz I know he was horrified.

"Ps—psychiatrist? What, what? Are you serious Kaoru? Why do you need one?" he stammered, his left foot back off a step.

"I just."

"What's I just?! Hikaru have Haruhi for all we know. But it didn't mean you're suffering from mental disorder or something!" he said in a higher tone, then he went closer to me and clasped my shoulders, "Are you?"

"Of course I'm not! I just—I just need one. I think there's something wrong in me though. And please Senpai lets keep this a secret from everyone especially from Hikaru." I elaborated and he shook his head.

I chose Kyoya because he had many connections and their company managed some hospitals. Besides, I know Kyoya can use his frightening glares and influences to scare the psychiatrist about not mentioning _my consultation _to anyone_. _Because of the _incident_ last night, I have come to the conclusion that there is indeed, something wrong with me. But I'm not crazy or something, right?

"I couldn't believe this. But anyway, since you asked, who am I to refuse?" he grinned and it was scary, uh sort of. "But you know me right, Kaoru?" he stepped even closer, I felt a sudden awkwardness when he caressed my cheek, it wasn't like Kyoya at all. "I don't waste my time just for nothing."

"O-of course haha. Just tell me what you demand in return, Kyoya-senpai." I flinched on his touch, I felt like backing off but I think it's not a good idea when you're facing the Shadow Prince.

"You'll know it later. So then, I'll just text you if everything's prepared." he said, combing my bangs. Then his face lightly grimaced as he turned his eyes towards the club's door. "Oh, your twin's waiting."

I turned around and I felt nervous when I saw Hikaru grudgingly stomping his feet towards us. He didn't give Kyoya a punch but he furnished a deathly glare, Hikaru indeed, was a short-tempered man. "What are you still doing here, Kaoru?! I thought you're behind us."

"I was talking to Kyoya-senpai. Does it matter?" I asked without looking to his eyes. I just couldn't.

"It does!" he grabbed my arm and pulled me to his back, and I blushed hard when he possessively curled his other arm to my shoulders. And I think Kyoya saw it, he saw that I blushed and it was kind of embarrassing. Why am I blushing anyway? Was it because from the last night?

"I don't know when I did start hating you Kyoya, but I'll tell it now. I don't like you talking with Kaoru while no one's around." his tone was rough. I don't know why he would be so mad about it, but I know he was so unfair. I wasn't harsh and hostile to anyone he was talking, especially to Haruhi, but he was always like this towards Kyoya-senpai every time we talked. He was so childish and possessive in some ways. But I couldn't blame him.

"And why is that so?" Senpai asked as he put back his glasses.

"I don't trust guys with glasses. Is all." he answered dragging me, "Let's go, Kaoru."

"Ah Hikaru, don't you think you're being _abnormally_ possessive?"That's the last word I heard from Kyoya-senpai.

"Why are you so unkind to Kyoya-senpai? He is after all our Vice-President! And you should at least respect him!" I confronted as he dragged me out of the club.

"I said it already, I don't trust him!"

"You're acting stupid and childish! After all this time we've been working for the club, you doubted Kyoya? What kind of distrust do you exactly mean!! Stop being so childish, Hikaru." I pulled my arm, and I was surprised he let go.

When he turned away his face I added, "Or was it just your alibi? You actually distrust me every time you're not around, don't you? You always think I'm doing something unforgivable when I'm with someone alone! How could you!"

"It's not like that, Kaoru. I'm just worried about you." he said and I stunned. "You're acting strange these past few days. You're behaving unusual unlike before. You even get bored so easily, and now I often caught you talking with Kyoya alone. How am I supposed to take that?" he said dourly.

Ah. So he was worried? But he didn't have to. I'm alright. I believe I'm just alright. However, I think I really need a psychiatrist. What's really happening to me? I fake a smile to him, to reassure him that everything's alright, "It was nothing Hikaru. What could we possibly be doing when we're alone? Haha. You're acting unusual, too. You shouldn't yell like that to Kyoya next time. He's scarier than you when he's provoked."

I could see his chest that was heaving abnormally. Then he opened his mouth and I know he was about to tell something, but someone called and interrupt, "Hikaru!"

It was Haruhi.

He grabbed my arm and together we walked towards her. And the words left unspoken.

~_~

We were on the balcony of Hikaru's room and we're having our tea served. It's been a long time since he invited me to his balcony and to have some tea, and when I asked him why in a sudden, he answered "I've just realised it's been a long time since we've been _alone_ like this. I missed our time together."

But I missed you more. You just don't notice it.

In a minute he was talkative, talking about Haruhi and their progressing relationship, then in a sudden he would pause and never talk. I hate it. He said he missed our time together but he was actually talking about Haruhi and so on, he's stupid.

Then my phone rang.

_To: Kaoru_

_Everything's on set. Let's meet tomorrow at 3:00pm at the host club. _

_From: Ootori_

I smiled in relief as I clicked the reply button. _Message: Got it. Thanks, Senpai._

"Who's that, Kaoru?"

"Tono." I lied. Why did I lie to him? It was just simple to say it was Kyoya. But I guess, since he and Kyoya were not in good terms these days, it was better not to provoke his temper.

When my phone rang again he stood up and pulled me into his arms, then he whispered to my ears "Turn it off Kaoru. I don't want any disturbance."

I think I couldn't breathe. There must be something wrong with me.

Then I nodded and turned off my phone. It was better not to provoke Hikaru's temper or else he might get mad at me again. Although I couldn't find any reason why he would. It's not that we're doing something bad. Hikaru's wasn't fair at all. He was selfish. Did he know he was? He was selfish but why am I enduring the pain all alone? It wasn't fair at all.

"Kaoru…" he said smoothly as he hugged me tight, "Did I ever tell you how much I love you?" He shocked me in a sudden. But I elicited a small laugh, I snaked my arms around his back, "You didn't. Not even once. But I know you do. Why did you bring this up in a sudden Hikaru, it was not like you at all."

"I don't know. I just wanted to. Hey Kaoru," he paused and why was it his heart thumps so fast? I could hear mine as well. We're twins indeed. "Even if I have Haruhi, you're still my Kaoru, okay? You wouldn't leave my side, okay?"

Why did he ask such questions in a sudden? But I was glad to know that he still needed me after all. It was already enough. I couldn't wish for more. Could I?

"Of course, you're my big brother." I said and why did it sounded so painful for the first time?

He was silent. And so did I.

It was odd. The silence was too much to bear and I couldn't take it anymore, my breathing became rapid as he kissed my neck and I flinched as he did. It was too much and I couldn't breathe, so I decided to break the odd moment. "Hey Hikaru," he stopped kissing my neck and he faced me, "Since you have Haruhi it's alright for you if ever I find someone, too, right? You wouldn't get wild and frustrated, right? It's okay since we're now stepping into the outside world, right?" I asked in a row.

"I wouldn't." his eyes narrowed and he wasn't fair, indeed.

"You're unfair." I said.

He pulled me and embraced me for once again, this time it was tighter and a bit painful, he wasn't fair indeed. "I mean, you're still young. As your big brother I disallowed such kind of relationship."

I laughed, "We're of the same age, Hikaru! You're only older than me by a few seconds or so."

"I wouldn't." he insisted and I was stunned. "You know Hikaru, I think, we have now our _own_ worlds. You have yours and I have mine. We're not the same as before. A lot of things had changed."

It was painful, I said it myself but it was unbearable. It's like my mouth have its own mind. I couldn't believe I was saying that, where in fact, I myself couldn't endure it if that happens. But it happened. We've changed.

"You are still my Kaoru. No one couldn't change that." he said and that night on the balcony, I swear I had wished that we'd stay like that forever.

~_~

"Senpai! I said you couldn't come inside with me. Just stay here." I pushed him forward.

"But why I couldn't? I'm here to accompany you in the first place."

"Kyoya-senpai, I can handle myself inside. Just wait here. If there's really something wrong with me then I'll tell you." I said as I entered the door and closed it immediately. Yeah, today was the day I'm having my first encounter with the psychiatrist Kyoya-senpai had recommended.

I was kind of nervous.

"Good morning, Mr. Hitachiin." he smiled, "I'm Dr. Yukiyo, please have a seat."

I sat and I took a deep breath as I looked at him. He seemed to notice my uneasiness so he reassured, "Don't worry Mr. Hitachiin, Kyoya and I assure you that this consultation wouldn't be spread to anyone else. I was paid enough (and threatened overly) to make this consultation secluded. Now, mind to tell me what this unlikely behavior you're currently having is?" then he paused and added, "Where's Mr. Ootori anyway? This conversation must need someone else besides you."

"He's not needed Doctor. It's not like I'm crazy anyway. I just need an advice or perhaps, a medication if there is any, to my current incorrect thoughts and behaviors. It's just that, it doesn't feel like me at all. I want back my normal self. I hope you could help me."

"Ah, is it so. Then please feel free to confide,"

I felt suddenly nervous, it wasn't like me at all. But I needed cure, I want back my normal self, the Kaoru who wasn't easily bored, the me who was calm and relax. "It's…I, I have an adopted brother doctor. And, and," how shall I say this without sounding so gross and disgusting?

"And what?"

"And when days went by, I'm starting to have these odd thoughts and feelings towards him. Like, sometimes, when I stared to his lips I feel like I wanted to kiss him. When he hugged me my heart raced so fast. When I saw him with someone else, laughing and smiling with someone else, I felt so much pain and it seemed like a needle was piercing my heart. And then one day, I found myself with a pen and note, writing such **perverted acts** towards him and it was so disgusting but I couldn't help myself! And sometimes I wasn't just writing it, but I draw it myself and it was horrifying! I thought I was just hallucinating, when I wrote those things I felt like I was being possessed by an **evil** spirit! It was so disgusting. And then one night, I really kissed him during his sleep! There must be something wrong to my behavior Doctor, please help me! I want a cure to his misbehavior!"

I sounded like hysterical but the Doctor was still calm. Duh.

He crossed his arms and he was about to grin, "There's nothing bad with your behavior. Generally, it is on your hormones, every normal teenager is feeling this way towards the person they loved. "

I stood up, suddenly pissed at the comment, "There is something wrong with me! He was my adopted brother! How could I feel this kind of stupid emotions towards him? I want to get rid of this! This must be some sort of mental disorder, too! It couldn't be anything!"

"Well, he wasn't your real brother right? He's just an adopted. You couldn't blame yourself if you fell in love with him."

Love? Fell in love? I'm in love with Hikaru? What the hell was this doctor talking about!

"You're lying!"

"I'm not. There's nothing wrong with you. You're just madly in love with him without you noticing. You just couldn't accept it till now."

"You're lying!" I yelled as I pulled my hair, my heart's beating too fast as I ran off the room. I banged the door and Kyoya-senpai hurried to my direction. "What's wrong Kaoru? Are you done?"

I looked up at him and I felt my whole body shivered in great disgust, I was disgusted to myself. "Kyoya-senpai, that psychiatrist is mad!"

"Why? What did he tell you?" he cupped my chin and I felt my world was starting to exterminate.

"He said I'm in love with Hikaru! He was mad! He'd better be a liar love consultant than a psychiatrist! How could he say I'm in love with my own brother! He is mad himself!" I screamed, completely out of myself. I just couldn't believe this was the result of my consultation. And that fast? We didn't even talk for ten minutes.

And then I saw Kyoya struck horror. He was disgusted, too, wasn't he?

"Ah. So that was it." he said, and his voice was unfathomable for an unknown reason.

"That wasn't it Kyoya-senpai! I'm not in love with Hikaru! He's just my twin!" I think I was going crazy. Then he pulled something on his pocket, pulled something on his wallet and presented it in front of my face.

I was stupefied.

I don't know why Kyoya-senpai had a picture of _us_ inside his wallet, it was odd and stupid but I didn't think much. I saw myself then on my side was Hikaru. Then I blushed horribly. I felt like fainting and then just like the way Tono always did, I went on a corner and curled my knees stupidly, I covered my face with my knees and I felt like planting mushrooms just like Tono always did. Now I could feel and understand Tono's feelings when he curved idiotically like this on a corner.

"See?" he spoke.

"He's right. I'm in love with Hikaru, after all." I said gloomily, not looking once at his face, "Don't you think I'm disgusting?" I sobbed against my knees.

"You aren't. It was unstoppable. You couldn't blame yourself if you fell for your brother since you were too close." he said as he grabbed my shoulders, he helped me to stand.

"How could you say that, senpai? It wasn't just right. After all this time, the reason why it hurt so much, the reason why it hurts like hell was actually like this! It wasn't just right Senpai." I felt like my chest was burning, I think I couldn't breathe, "If he wasn't my brother, perhaps I'd accept this, but he IS!"

"Kaoru…" He hugged me, it was odd, but it felt comfy, "Perhaps the doctor wasn't right. If he was, then I believe you would overcome your feelings for him. Perhaps you just feel like alone because he has Haruhi, that's why you develop this feelings for him. But I believe, you would overcome this now that you knew."

"I hate myself Senpai." I cried against his chest.

"Don't worry, I'll help you to overcome this forbidden love, Kaoru." he patted my head.

_Dearest Kami-sama, I have done the worst unforgivable sin ever. I want to get rid of this feeling. I'm so disgusting. I'm not worth to become Hikaru's younger brother anymore._

~_~

End note: Aw. Poor poor Kaoru. He's somewhat dense, isn't he? Let's give Kaoru a big hug everyone…huhuhu. Please please, please please, PLEASE REVIEW. Tell me what you think, if I suck at writing then just do tell me, ne? I wouldn't get hyper, wild and mad anyway. But believe me, I don't have a beta so please forgive me for my errors.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Hello my readers- a new chapter is out. Perhaps this chapter might surprise you a bit, but I know you'll love it too. I just want you to know that this chapter isn't focused on dialogue- in this chapter, Kaoru is actually narrating what had happened after his CONSULTATION at the psychiatrist. The event is kind of fast and hurried, but it's the style I chose for this fanfic. You might not expect what happens, but, well, expect the unexpected. Please give me more reviews! I'll post the next chap sooner if you'll be good to me! Love you all._

_There are minor lemon scenes below, so beware- I'm just telling you firsthand. _

_Special thanks to: All of my reviewers and readers! And thanks to my beta: _**NefertariNami!** _Hooray, I have a beta reader!_

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~_~

I thought I was stuck in the worst nightmare ever. But I wasn't. It was the painful reality.

I loved Hikaru Hitachiin. My twin. My older brother. It was disgusting to accept, but it's what I feel.

Since I consulted the psychiatrist I decided to distance myself from Hikaru for awhile. I tried, but I found I couldn't. After all, I just couldn't live without Hikaru.

Even though it was painful every time I was with him and Haruhi, it didn't matter, I'd just have to endure the entire painfulness and loneliness. The jealousy sometime killed me. But it didn't matter. As long as I knew he was happy. As long as I was with him. It was all enough.

And then one day, Kyoya was the one who couldn't endure it anymore. He knew it was complete torture for me every time we did our incestuous brotherly love inside the host club, so he decided to make a change. He didn't want me to suffer entirely.

Our roles were switched for a change, and he forced Tono to agree with him. At first Tono was against it, but he did agree when Kyoya explained his role in it. Tono and Haruhi were to be father and son, and the act was that they would eat the forbidden fruit; Tono would fall in love with his own son which was Haruhi. And from there, the incestuous relationship between a father and son was derived.

I saw Hikaru's sour reaction- he went wild and we had to use a lot of effort to calm him down.

On the other hand, Tono was confused about why he was so mad about it, because in reality, Tono still didn't know that Hikaru and Haruhi were a couple.

When Kyoya told him that Hikaru and Haruhi were a couple, Tono's eyes widened and he locked himself inside the third music room's comfort room for thirteen days without anything to eat but mushrooms.

I could still remember his horrifying facial expression on that day… I saw him screaming frantically, and his voice was piercing to my ears:

"What have I done to suffer this kind of torment, Mommy??? My daughter, my only daughter has been taken away by my own son- a monstrous wild devil type humanoid!!! Their love isn't allowed! It's forbidden Mommy! They're supposed to be brother and sister! Uwaaaaaahh, my daughter Haruhi! How could you do this to your Daddy!"

Then, soon after that, Tono dramatically collapsed.

When he woke up he cried childishly and locked himself inside the comfort room for thirteen days. It was a good thing that Haruhi had finally convinced him to go out. Then after that, Tono wasn't Tono at all. He seemed like a different person.

Hikaru was forced to act as the loner one. He was alone and always sad since his twin wasn't with him anymore. Since I was… paired up with Kyoya.

Of course he was against it, totally against it, but at the end I felt sad when he actually did agree. I didn't think much since it was just cosplaying and it was all an act. Besides, it was better this way.

Honey and Mori switched roles too. Mori was the master and Honey was the poor slave. Mori would command and order Honey and forced him to do tasks, but in reality, it didn't work out. So Kyoya had to reverse the roles again- Honey was the master and Mori was the slave. Then it did work out.

Kyoya and I were paired up. But it didn't change much. Kyoya was still obsessed with his laptop and ledgers, and I was his personal assistant. But to add effect, I was a loner at the same time, since I was separated from my twin. Kyoya would always comfort me, and though it was all an act, sometimes I felt awkward.

It was an odd combination, but the fan girls took the sudden change. In fact, our ratings went higher and higher.

However, it was just all for Kyoya's benefit. Since our club was getting richer and richer every second, he was the happiest person on earth among us.

And as for Rengee, she didn't change much. But she said she was going to leave the club sooner. She had finally decided to go back to her father.

And before I forget, Kyoya actually did claim the compensation from helping me find a psychiatrist. Guess what it was? I didn't expect it since I actually thought all he cared about was money and wealth, but he just wanted me to omit the title SENPAI every time I call his name. Weird, huh.

Day by day, I was being killed by my own emotions. I thought that (and as Kyoya had said), my feelings for Hikaru would vanish, but it was the complete opposite. Every day, my love for Hikaru upsurged abruptly and I found myself loving him more and more.

It was stupid, but if my love for Hikaru was stupid, then I'd rather become his _stupid younger brother_ for the rest of our lives.

It didn't matter to me now if it was painful. It didn't matter if it hurted like hell. It didn't matter if my love was unrequited and forbidden. All I know was that I wanted to see him happy. I wanted to make him smile. All I wanted was to always be at his side. Knowing that he needed me too; it was all enough.

I needed him so badly at my side. And I would do anything just to be with him. Even if it hurted like hell.

I'd endure the pain. Since it didn't matter if I'm hurt. As long as Hikaru's happy.

THEN… IT HAPPENED…

It was nearly December on my second year at high school- our club was improving and Kyoya was too happy that we'd become richer and richer. It was almost perfect for the Host Club.

But then there was the shocking news that horrified us all.

It was the club's Christmas celebration and all the fan girls were there, and as the hosts, we were clad in our most prestigious suits. I remembered Hikaru looked so handsome in his white tuxedo. He looked more mature, too. I loved him more that day.

Everyone was smiling and laughing. We were too happy. But in the middle of the party, Tono went on stage and he had the facial expression that everyone was familiar with. The mic was on. The music was off. All of us just stared at him standing sternly in front of us. It was odd, and we all had a very bad feeling about what was to come.

Then he declared.

I remembered his face. He was about to cry but restrained himself to do so since it was stupid for a Suoh heir. He officially declared. Everyone was shocked.

The Host Club was over.

Ouran High School Host Club had come to its FINAL END. Tamaki Suoh, the Prince and the President of the club, declared.

Tono said he was to fly abroad and permanently stay at France. He was finally going to marry his grandmother's choice, Lady Éclair Tonerie. We were surprised since Tono had already refused the said marriage, but after all, in the end, he would still marry the lady. I knew he didn't love her. But he couldn't do anything against his grandmother.

When he gave his speech I saw his eyes glancing occasionally at Haruhi, and there was a terrible sadness in those violet orbs. I'd realized at that very moment, Tono was indeed after all, in love with Haruhi Fujiouka. Perhaps since he saw Haruhi was happy with Hikaru he decided to let her go and proceed to do what he was actually complied to do. Become the Suoh's heir.

Halfway the speech, I saw Haruhi's tears and she walked out. Hikaru followed her. But I was confused. Why did she have to be so emotional?

That night ended everything. The Host Club was officially closed. Mori and Honey didn't have any reason to come over at Ouran High anymore. They rarely visit us since they were subsequently busy on their own company and works.

Kyoya was left alone since he didn't have any other close friends in his class. Tamaki was the only bestfriend he had actually considered. He was back to his old life: study and work and everything that he was supposed to do, but he occasionally visited us inside our class. Since Hikaru, Haruhi and I were in the same class, it wasn't difficult for him to do so.

Sometimes his visits were the cause of his and Hikaru's enraging cold wars. They occasionally exchanged deathly glares, but I was glad Kyoya _wasn't_ the type of person who would waste time to get into a fight.

Haruhi was still a scholar and Kyoya spared her debts. She became more studious than ever. My relationship with Hikaru was still the same as usual most of the time, but sometimes it wasn't. He got mad at me often. Sometimes he was unconsciously hurting me, but he wasn't able to realize it. I wasn't telling him that he was actually hurting me because I knew he would regret it later.

Sometimes he was gentle and sweet to me. Sometimes he wasn't. One day he would hug me without my consent, and the next day he would ignore me. Sometimes all he wanted was to stay at my side all day without anyone else- just US alone. But most of the time he would just leave the mansion without me knowing.

That's how we have been ever since Tono was gone.

We didn't know much about Tono after he went off. We didn't have any communication with him ever since he was gone. We went to his mansion to get his number but the maids said it was forbidden. Then one day, he sent us a wedding invitation.

Kyoya attended the wedding. We didn't. Then the year ended.

We were in our third year at Ouran High. Kyoya had finally graduated and took over his Father's work as the new CEO in their company. Kyoya didn't have to attend college since he already had the skills and he passed the exam. He was expert at everything and we were so proud of him. We always knew Kyoya was a real prodigy. It was a dream come true to Kyoya since his father had finally appreciated his talent and hard work. Since then we lost contact to him. He was extremely busy, and we knew it.

We lost contact to Mori and Honey senpai, too, but it didn't really make a difference. We already didn't know much about them for almost a year.

The years went by fast. We graduated high school. Years went faster, but my love for Hikaru was still alive and pure. Both of us took the same courses in college, our goal- fashion designers. And then Haruhi decided to become a lawyer.

And then, without us noticing, Hikaru and I finally became professional designers and we took over our Mom's business. Even though it hurts like hell to be with someone you love who doesn't love you the way you do, I was still glad. Because I always said to myself "It was enough to stay at Hikaru's side".

I don't know how I'd managed to endure my feelings towards my twin. I don't know how I'd managed to keep it a secret from him, but one thing was for sure… I could become the stupidest person on earth, and I'd become Hikaru's stupid younger brother for the rest of our life.

Besides, Hikaru and Haruhi were still lovers and have been for eight consecutive years already.

And I… I was enduring the pain and jealousy for eight years. EIGHT YEARS. That's how long I've loved my twin brother furtively. It was stupid I know. But I'd become the stupidest person on earth just for my big brother, Hikaru Hitachiin.

It was painful. But I knew that as the years pass by I would come to surpass these tormenting feelings. I believed, and I hoped I wouldn't be WRONG this time.

"What are you writing, Kaoru?"

"Nothing valuable. Just something to kill the boredom." I answered, closing the note.

"If you're bored then you should help me here. Then you wouldn't be bored at all." He said, sliding his pencil inside his mouth as he bit it here and there. Eight years have passed but Hikaru still has the same childish temper at times.

"It's your task, Hikaru." I crossed my arms, "I'm done with mine."

"But your designs are much cooler and finer than mine," he said, swiveling his chair towards my table.

Geez. If I know Hikaru, he was just being lazy. He was always like this when he feels like sleeping. He wasn't fair.

"You can sleep if you want to, Oniisan. No need to give me hustles." I stood up, ignoring his Oh-Kaoru-please-help-your-Oniisan stare. Geez.

"But Haruhi will be here soon and I promised her we'd have dinner tonight," he said. PAIN. It was a good thing my back was the one facing him, or else he would see those emotions on my eyes.

I laughed pathetically (what else I could do?). It was so loud that I think Hikaru was covering up his ears. Then I said, "Ah, of course. Well, just put it on my table and you can go to Haruhi. Just give her my regards, okay?"

I was startled when he hugged me from behind, his chin rested on my shoulder. Then he said lowly, "But you need to finish it now, Kaoru."

There was one thing that was hard to accept, and this was the reason why. Hikaru and I could now easily be verified from each other because of our height. Hikaru became taller. He was taller than me and I was just level to his chin. It was unfair. I hate the fact that people can now identify us easily just by our heights.

"You're asking too much, Oniisan." I said, closing my eyes. Sometimes, I have this urge to punch him in the face and break his nose. Because he's hurting me, pressuring me, torturing me without him even noticing it!!! It wasn't fair at all. Because at the end I couldn't refuse him. Guess I'm really stupid, huh.

We're 25 years old, but Hikaru seems to think that we are still sixteen! Always holding me here and there, embracing me, pulling me onto his lap, kissing me on my cheeks, nuzzling his nose to my neck, then hooking his arms around my waist! Did he even realize that….WE are NOT in THE HOST CLUB anymore???!!!

"I want you to come… You need to finish it now so you can come with me. We'll be having dinner with Haruhi and I have a surprise too." He said, and the pain was too much to bear. I wonder how I was able to endure this for eight years.

"Are you an idiot? If you want to have a dinner with Haruhi, you mustn't bring your twin. How many times do I need to tell you that, Hikaru?" I said, pissed. Sometimes I wonder who was the older one between us.

And I hate his laziness. But on the contrary I think I love it since I was the one who spoiled him too much, so I couldn't blame him if he's too dependent on me. Whatever.

"Can you blame me if I want you there?" Idiot. Persistent. Possessive. Childish. These were the sides of Hikaru that remained unchanged.

"I couldn't. I'm actually busy." I said.

"Who was it?" his embrace tightened. It almost hurt. Ok, damn it hurts.

"Who what?"

"The one that causes your busy-ness." I forgot to mention he's short-tempered, too.

"There isn't any. I'm just busy so don't insist." I tried to pull away from his arms, but as always, he wouldn't allow me.

"Sooner or later I'll find out who that person is Kaoru. Trust me, I'll rip his bones." He whispered and he was indeed unfair. Then he laughed and licked my earlobe. Damn, I couldn't breathe. "But of course I'm just kidding. So Kaoru, you'll come with me right?" he kissed the nape of my neck. His mouth was warm and I was hot.

Damn. I think I'm losing my breath.

I know he won't let me go unless I answered him. So in the end, I have no choice. "Fine. I'll go." See? I couldn't refuse my twin. It's my own fault that's why he became so dependent on me.

"Thanks, Kaoru." he said and it was all enough. I wonder how I'd managed to endure this pain for eight years. Sometimes, the pain feels like a normal feeling to have, and sometimes I feel like I'm an exemplar of the Living Dead. I'm alive. But almost dead.

That's how I've been for eight years.

"Hey Kaoru," he paused as he nuzzled the nape of my neck more, "Did I ever tell you before that you smelled so good?" I opened my eyes in shock. Did he…?

"Dunno. Can't remember." That's all I had to answer. God. Why did he have to torture me like this? He was torturing me and he didn't even notice it. I flinched when he licked the back of my neck and it took me a lot of effort not to emit a moan. Damn what was he doing?

"I'll tell it to you now. You smell like mint," I was startled when his hands started to move up to my clothed chest, what was he doing all of a sudden?

"Peppermint. Your smell is cool to my nose and it tempts every creature on earth to bite you, right here." My legs twitched as he nibbled the crook of my neck and I gritted my teeth as he lightly bit me there. I could feel the blood rushing to down below and I feel so hot, and am getting hotter every second as I feel his hands are now moving down to my hips. Damn Hikaru, what are you doing?

Oh God. Please spare my peaceful relationship with Hikaru. I hope he wouldn't notice my sudden erection. Oh please just don't. It's too embarrassing.

"Hey," he whispered and I gasped for breath as he brushed his hands on my pants. A finger poked me _there_ and damn I couldn't help but moan, "You're hard, Kaoru."

I'm ruined. He must think I'm a pervert now.

But I didn't want him to feel disgusted, so I told him, stammering, "E-every normal man is horny when they're provoked. It's the hormones. And I'm normal, Hikaru." I thought it was a good idea to say it. But it wasn't.

I was shocked when he pushed me down into my swivel chair and knelt down between my legs. He grinned as he parted my legs and damn I couldn't react. "Guess what, you're right Kaoru." He smirked, and grabbing my belt, he started unbuckling it, "W-what are you doing Hikaru??!!" I was alarmed. When he chuckled at me I was turned on even more. Oh god, I'm in a difficult situation. I can't breathe, I'm so hot inside. I'm starting to swelter and perspire.

He unzipped my pants and I was terrified when my obvious erection popped up all of a sudden. God. He looked at me in amazement, "After all this time you aren't actually wearing underwear, Kaoru???"

Of course I do. It's just that, sometimes I don't feel like wearing it, but who cares about that?

I blushed terribly and I turned my face. I felt so embarrassed and moved my hands to cover _it _but I was surprised when Hikaru slapped my hands away. "Don't do that. It's okay Kaoru. Oniisan will take care of everything."

"Hika-ru!" I snapped when he took my shaft and started pumping my cock slightly up and down. I arched my back, "S-stop i-it. It's wrong." I said. But oh yes, oh god, don't stop. This was what I had wanted for so long from him. Oh god it felt so damn good. His hands were warm and I felt so hot. I had wanted him to touch me like this and it was a dream come true. But oh god, it was all wrong. No matter how I think of it, it's still wrong… It's not right. He pumped me faster than the first speed and Oh god! I want to scream in pleasure.

His hands feel so good on my hard cock. They're warm and hot; it burns my feelings even more. He played his finger on the tip and I moaned, damn it I moaned. He poked the head and said, "It must be painful." Then he enclosed it again within his hands, and oh his hands were actually large, and then he pumped me faster.

Faster and faster. Oh God I can't breathe.

"Your cock feels so good in my hands, Kaoru." Damn it! Don't say such words! It's turning me on!

I wouldn't endure it. I can't endure the pleasure just by _his_ touch and hands on _that_ part of me. Oh God. Make him stop. Oh no, please don't make him stop. I wanted this for so long.

"Hikaru, stop." I said between my pants, but I didn't meaning it.

_Oh no stop. Oh yes, it's so good. Shit stop pumping me, oh no yes, that way, pump me hard and fast. Oh God it feels so good, damn. Faster Hikaru! haa~uhn…_

I'm so horny now. Damn it.

I bit my knuckles because I didn't want to moan so loud. He looked up at me and was grinning, his hands were pumping me faster and faster like there was no end of it, "But Kaoru, I need to help you about this. Don't worry, Oniisan will take care of it."

"AhH~!" I moaned when I felt his tongue licking my head- his tongue was hot and slimy, and Oh god! I didn't ever expect this.

"No, mnn." I started to pant. My head fell back against the headboard of the chair as Hikaru licked the slit on my cock, making me even more_ hard_. I thought I was lost in ecstasy when he started sucking me. Oh god it felt so good. "Hikaru," I moaned his name.

I closed my eyes and wanted to cover my ears because I don't want to hear myself moaning and mewling like a slut. Yes, I probably sound like a slut right now.

Hikaru sucked me deeper, and I could feel the vibrations as he occasionally emitted moans against my hard cock. I bucked my hips up causing him to gag, but it didn't matter to him; he was still sucking me up and down. It felt so good, and I think I could just die in pleasure knowing that it was Hikaru, my beloved, doing this to me.

It was my first time that someone was doing me orally, and even though it's disgusting, I'm still glad that it was Hikaru. I didn't expect that this day would ever even come.

"Haa..Hika..ru." It felt so damn good that I didn't notice I was constantly moaning his name. I could feel his tongue against my throbbing HARD cock sliding up and down, his tongue was slick and slimy and so hot that I could come at any minute. "Uhn…oh god, Hikaru."

He pulled out and lasciviously licked my precum, "You taste good, too, Kaoru." He said and I thought I was going to explode.

"Ahhh…." I mewled as he bobbed me once again, and this time I arched my back and bucked my hips forward. He almost gagged, but damn it! It didn't matter- I just wanted to feel his warm mouth against my cock. I wanted him so much and cried in pleasure as he sucked _all_ of me. This must be the first time and I knew it would be the last.

"Mmn, Kaoru." he moaned as he sucked me in, and oh god it was too much that I think I'm going to… Oh god, and Oh damn! It's too much. Oh God. When do I stop saying OH GOD!

"H-Hika…Hikaru, I'm…I think I'm going to…haa~" I groaned as I felt my aching erection giving in.

"Do it Kaoru." I shook my head, I don't want to filthy my Oniisan's mouth.

But it hurts. I'm at my limit. I stared at him and I saw his determined eyes, "It's okay. I want to taste my brother." He smiled and he sucked me again. I felt his mouth going up and down and it was so warm and hot. I couldn't breathe.

Finally, I couldn't take it any longer. "Hikaru…I'm really going to….ahhhh, come, haaaaaaa Hikaru~!!!!" I cried in pleasure as I finally ejaculated into his mouth.

My world was lost in ecstasy and I felt relieved as I felt myself come into his watering mouth. I widened my eyes as he swallowed my juices. I blushed horribly when I saw him licking me clean. I couldn't look at him.

"That was good, Kaoru." He fixed my pants after cleaning us both, then he stood up. He pulled me into his arms and he patted my head gently. I couldn't face him. I was too embarrassed.

"Did I make you feel good, Kaoru? You okay now?" His voice was so gentle and I think I don't deserve it. I know he's just trying to help me and that's all to it. I know it's all for my own good and pleasure. He did it because I'm his brother. Not because he loved me the way I do.

But I'm still happy that I was able to receive his touch and…that. Hikaru mustn't notice that I blushed horribly within his arms, and I faked a smile as I gathered the little strength I had, "Yes. Thanks, Hikaru." He held me tighter and I felt so comfortable within his arms. I leaned my head onto his chest, and oh how I wished we'd stay like this forever. This was the happiest moment in my entire life. I wouldn't EVER forget this night.

"Honestly," he said and I could hear the rapid beating of his heart, "You taste really good, Kaoru. But I'd never thought you'd be that horny. Geez."

I laughed a little. "I told you. I'm normal." Then we went silent for awhile.

He embraced me as if there was no tomorrow.

And then his phone rang and my world of fantasy swiftly ended.

"It's Haruhi. She must be waiting now. Let's go, Kaoru. But I think you must change clothes, and please," his eyes were teasing me as he ogled me down, "Wear underwear, Kaoru."

I just rolled my eyes as I laughed timidly.

* * *

~Owari~

E/N: Guys, I'll post the next chapter when I reach 50 reviews, so until then, you can wait right? Ahaha. Love you all!


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: This is not BETA'd, so if you don't like reading unbeta'd fanfic, then you are free to browse something else. Thank you._

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**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter Six

* * *

"You're becoming more handsome every time we meet, Kaoru. You've grown up."

It was hard to fake my facial expression as I looked at her. When she innocently smile at me, I feel guilty inside, and I feel embarrass every time I recall the earlier event. I felt like I made Hikaru cheat on Haruhi. But I know it wasn't really cheating since Hikaru was just helping me from relieving my stupid horniness. But still, I felt guilty as I looked at her.

"Thanks Haruhi. But Hikaru deserved the praise. He's taller than me now." I chuckled as I glanced at him, crimson flushed on our faces as our eyes met, he was sitting beside Haruhi across the table. They were too perfect. I feel out of place. But I need to endure coz I don't want them to notice it. Jealousy. Envious. Pain.

"Yeah, now it's easier to determine you both. Oh, has it been three months since we last saw each other?"

"Precisely." I answered. Fake a smile. Smile. Freaking smile.

"I've been busy with my case studies. My, sometimes I didn't have time for Hikaru." she sighed. I felt like my chest was heaving when Hikaru curled his arms around her shoulders, pulling her closer. Ignore. Ignore. Fucking pretend it's nothing Kaoru! Damn I hate myself.

"But its okay, Haruhi. Of course I do understand." he said.

"It must be tough." I fake a pitiful smile. Damn it. I'm such a pretender. I could win an award for my acting career every time I'm with them.

"Not really. Hikaru always give me a call. Even we don't see each other that much we're still having communication." AH yeah of course. That's how much Hikaru loved Haruhi. It hurts. If only he knows.

"I'm impressed to hear that." I grinned at him. He pouted.

When I looked at Haruhi I felt envious. She's becoming prettier and prettier too. Her hair was long now and she looked like a model. She's kind too. She's kind to me but I think I didn't deserve it. She is almost perfect. No, she is perfect. No doubt Hikaru loved her.

"Ah, by the way Kaoru. You haven't introduced us yet your special one! It's been a long time and I didn't hear you mentioning about girlfriends." she exclaimed, clapping her hands in excitement. I wished she didn't mention it. God help me.

"I don't have any. I'm actually busy and I don't have time for that kind of relationship." I said, fake a smile. Smile. I hate freaking smiles.

She widened her eyes. Hikaru though he knew it, still, he seemed surprise. Did he really think that I'm hiding this _special _one from him? God help me. I didn't have any and I didn't wish to have one. Unless if it's Hikaru. But damn it's too impossible to wish.

"Oh, but a man so handsome like you? You should have one."

"Perhaps. But not now." I answered. I felt like my throat was rough and dry. I hate the atmosphere. I shouldn't be here in the first place. I'm just causing pain to myself. But if it's Hikaru then it didn't matter.

"When? When we're becoming older? Geez Kaoru, you're 25." she said. Damn she's right. I just shrugged my shoulders in reply.

Hikaru whispered something to her. Haruhi nodded and damn, I wished I wasn't here. How did I manage to endure the pain for eight years? I don't know anymore.

"By the way Kaoru," she started, their hands were intertwined, "Hikaru and I have a surprise for you. We want you to know it first, and as his twin, you must hear it directly from us."

I felt nervous. I didn't know why. My throat was rough and dry, I felt thirsty in a sudden. I grabbed the glass and filled it with water, as I said, "What is it then?"

There was a sudden silence. It was unnatural. Then he said, "Haruhi and I," he sounded like almost stammering, his voice a bit shaking, I don't understand but I felt awkward. I gulped the water and he continued, "Haruhi and I decided to get marry."

Marry.

I was choked and I almost spitted out the water. I coughed.

And he stood up, "Kaoru, are you okay? Did we surprise you too much? Are you okay?"

I coughed but I said, "I'm okay." **I'm not okay.** I wanted to scream it loud, I'm not okay! I'm **fucking** not okay! Then I stunned. Since when did I start saying such foul words?

What did he say? He's going to marry Haruhi? For real?

Kami-sama, why did it hurt so much? My hands were clenching under the table but I didn't realize I was clenching too much. It was too much to endure. I unconsciously broke the glass and I was revived when I felt pain on my fingers. I gripped the shattered glass and it didn't shock me when blood coated my hand.

But the pain on my hand wasn't enough to compare with the pain I felt inside my chest.

I lowered down my face and let my bangs covered up my eyes, stupid, I wouldn't cry. Not in front of these two!

"Kaoru…"

"Just sit down Hikaru, I'm alright. I just stupidly choked. It's nothing really." I said, gathering all of the slim strength and courage I still thankfully had. It hurt, my chest hurts and damn I think I'm losing my breath.

I clenched my hand tighter, blood rushing down my fingers, "So, you finally wanted to settle down. That's good. When will be the wedding?" Pretend Kaoru. Fucking pretend as if it's nothing.

Smile. Pretend it's nothing. Smile. Just make sure they won't be able to see your fucking teary eyes, Kaoru Hitachiin!

I hate myself for loving him so much.

He sat down. He didn't answer so it was Haruhi who smiled, "Next month. Kaoru. I believe eight years was enough, right Hikaru?"

Next month. That fast. Can someone please kill me right now?

"Yeah. Ne, Kaoru, you'll be my best man okay?"

Best man. I lowered down my face more, "Of course. I'm your brother so it should be me, I'm going to kill you if you wouldn't choose me." I fake a laugh. But I sounded like a pathetic crazy man. I clenched tighter. I could feel the broken pieces of glass piercing through my fingers. I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to absorb it and be killed by it. I'm desperate. I wanna die.

I couldn't breathe.

"I hope the other hosts would attend. It's been a long time since we last saw Mori, Honey, and Kyoya senpai." she said and I didn't give a damn to wonder why she didn't mention Tono-senpai.

It was hard to breathe.

"Kaoru, if you wouldn't mind, we want you to design our gowns." What can be worst than this?

I lowered down. Lowered more.

"Sorry Hikaru. But I couldn't design it. I'm busy." I said as I immediately stood up. I know I sounded so pathetic, "Well then, congratulations for the upcoming wedding. I'm terribly happy for the both of you."

"Thanks, Kaoru. Eh, but, are you going to somewhere else?"

"Yes. I need to excuse myself now, I—I forgot Hikaru, I need to do something else." I bowed down. Not glancing at him, not even once. If I dare to, I'll get myself killed.

"But you didn't touch your food, Kaoru. Let's eat first." she egged on. But her voice was like a machine gun that keeps shooting me unstoppably.

"No, it's okay. I gotta go." I turned around, walking rapidly out from the restaurant, ignoring his voice that keeps calling my name "Kaoru, Kaoru, wait, Kaoru, Kaoru, hey Kaoru, wait!" he was stupid.

_Kaoru. Kaoru. Damn stop calling my name, your voice_ _hurts like hell! You're actually killing me_!

He kept calling my name but he didn't dare to follow me. Afraid to leave Haruhi's side, eh? Stupid stupid stupid.

I'm stupid!

I ran out from the restaurant just in time my tears flew down on my cheeks. I ran and ran without destination. I felt like my chest was so heavy and my shoulders were like tons of cement. My tears won't just stop from falling and I cursed myself for crying so bad. People were strangely staring at me but I didn't care.

I didn't care anymore.

I know this would happen one day. I'd think of it even before. I know they would end like this. They've been together for eight years and of course they would decide to marry.

But Hikaru and I, we've been together ever since we were born! It wasn't just fair. I hate the world. I hate myself. I hate the fact we're twins!

I know this would happen. But damn! Why did it hurt so much hearing it from his own mouth?

I thought it was alright. I was too confident that I could endure it. But actually I couldn't!

I was wrong. I was pathetic. I was stupid. And it hurts like hell.

My chest ached. I think I couldn't breathe. I'm tired of running but my feet won't stop. Where am I going anyway? I could vaguely see the street and my vision was blurred by my tears. I felt like my tears were a pile of thick clouds that kept raining down on my face. I am pathetic. I'm certain that I looked so ugly and pathetic.

Damn, I want to commit the wickedest suicide ever on earth!

I bumped onto something and I fell onto the hard ground. As I looked up I thought I saw a bunch of real life demons.

"Hey! You bastard!" It was a brute. He pulled my collar and dragged me up the ground, I felt like I was the unluckiest person on earth.

He glared at me but I wasn't afraid, "Put me down, brute."

"What did you say? Fah!" he yelled and gave me a jab on my face. It was hard and I thought my jaw was misaligned. "You fucking crying bastard! Hey guys, look what we've got here!"

I stood up almost wobbling. My right hand was wounded from earlier and now my mouth was bruised, what could be worse than this? I licked the blood that ran down my lips. I wanted to die.

"What you got here huh," said his other companion. Then I was surprised that they were actually five of them. Stupid fucking drunkards!

"This man was stupid."

"He looked rich."

"Oh."

They went closer to me and I was alarmed. "Hey, give us your wallet and all of your money!"

I laughed. "The hell I would." Then I received another punch. Hard on my stomach. I laughed although I didn't know why. But I think I was drunk too. But I didn't care. I didn't care anymore.

"Give us your money!" another one kicked me on my back and I felt like my rib cage was broken. It was painful but I laughed. It was painful but it couldn't compare to the pain that I'm feeling inside.

I loved him for more than eight years. I thought its okay to hide it. I thought it was enough to just stay at his side. I thought I could endure it. I thought everything would be okay.

"Kick him!" I was thrown hard on the public garbage can, I didn't know how, but it hurts like hell. I felt like my right arm was broken. It hurts.

I loved him for more than eight years. I was too confident that I could endure it. I've stayed at his side for eight years even though he had Haruhi. But actually, for eight years, I was in fact _waiting_ for him to notice me! I'm such a fool.

"Hey, he wasn't fighting back. He's stupid!" someone hit me on my face.

I loved him for more than eight years. Eight long years. And the reason why I was loyally staying on his side was that—I was actually hoping that—his love for Haruhi would be mine. For eight years, I was actually hoping that Hikaru would love me the way I do. I was hoping the most IMPOSSIBLE wish ever on earth.

I was actually waiting for him to notice me. I was a fool. We're twins, how would he notice me the way I do? I was a fool.

And now that he decided to marry Haruhi all of those endurance and sacrifices were now useless. He's going to marry. He will be tied forever to Haruhi. Hikaru isn't mine at all. He isn't going to be mine anymore. I'll lose Hikaru forever. Forever.

If he marries then I couldn't stay at his side any longer. A day was too much for me to bear, what more if I won't be able to stay at his side forever? It would kill me.

I couldn't breathe.

"Was he drunk, too? He seemed lifeless!"

"Just kick him on his butt and find his wallet!"

I couldn't breathe.

"Hey, faster! I saw a light. Someone's coming!"

"Idiot! It's a car."

"Police?"

"No!"

I couldn't breathe. My vision was blurred by my cloudy tears. My whole body was aching. Someone kicked me on my side. They twisted my arm. And the next thing I knew, a car stopped and someone came over.

My knees fell onto the ground and my whole body was trembling. I saw a man with broaden shoulders, he kicked the brutes and blow them one by one. He was shouting incoherent words and I heard him cursing the drunkards. He was so mad and he seemed like he wanted to kill all of them. He was familiar but my vision was blurred.

Who was that man? His back and posture somehow was familiar to me.

Then in a minute he knocked them all. I wished I have that kind of strength. I was weak.

I leaned my back against the cold wall. I wanted to shout in pain. I was struck in horror as I saw too much blood rushing out from my head, arms and everywhere else. And then I saw the man coming towards my direction, it was dark but I knew it was him. I stunned. I wasn't expecting him. He kneeled down and caressed my swollen blooded cheek, so gentle, afraid that he might cause me pain.

"What are you doing here, Kaoru? God, what have they done to you!" he pulled off a handkerchief and wiped the blood on my mouth and temples. I flinched because it hurts.

"I'm sorry." he uttered sadly.

I lowered down my face afraid that he might notice my tears, but it was too late. He noticed my tears and damn I couldn't stop myself from crying. I didn't want him to see me in this state. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. Completely worn out and hopeless. Completely weak.

"God, Kaoru! They deserve death for doing this to you." He said with so much concern. He pulled me gently and cupped my chin, my tears won't stop, "Why are you here? Where's your twin? And damn it, why are you crying?!"

"_Haruhi and I decided to get marry."_

I stunned. His words keep rolling inside my brain and it was killing me. I didn't know why but I grabbed his necktie and gripped him tightly, I felt like my chest was burning, my voice was low and shaking, "Senpai…"

He pulled me into his arms, "What happened, Kaoru? It's been years since I last saw you. I didn't expect our meeting would be like this. Why are you crying, Kaoru? Tell me. No one's around."

"_Ne, Kaoru, you'll be my best man okay?"_

I couldn't breathe. I wanted to tell him how much I'm hurt but I couldn't breathe. The next thing I knew, he carried me into his arms like a prince on the fairy tale would do.

But I was in so much pain that I never wanted to last any longer. Hikaru.

My chest was heaving. Hikaru.

I couldn't breathe. Hikaru.

"_Kaoru, if you wouldn't mind, we want you to design our gowns."_

I pulled his necktie as he carried me to his car, it was painful but I looked up at him and tried to gather all of my remaining strength if I still had. I couldn't breathe. I think I am dying.

"Senpai, c-can you please," it was hard to speak, _"Haruhi and I decided to get marry. You'll be my best man okay? Kaoru, I want you to design our gowns." _I couldn't breathe, "just kill me?"

I saw his horrified face. I couldn't blame him. And he couldn't blame me if I wanted to die.

I heard Kyoya-senpai yelled something to me but I didn't care much. My chest was heaving and tight and I couldn't breathe. It was difficult to breathe.

Hikaru. Hikaru. Hikaru.

Hikaru.

Then everything went black.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Domo arigato for the reviews everyone! Here's a new chapter for everyone! I hope you enjoy reading it. And ah, there's a slight Kyo/Kao scene below, just telling you firsthand. And oh, I want to apologise for my ranting of words in the previous chapter. Ehe.

A, by the way, is anyone here familiar with SWITCH manga/OVA? If yes, please tell me, and tell me if you like or dislike the OVA/manga. Coz I love it so much and I am so hooked with it, and I was thinking to write a fanfic about it in the future. But I'm still hesitant if someone would ever come to read it.

Thanks to my beta! **NefertariNami!**

Disclaimer: Do I need to repost this again? Of course I don't own this anime. Do you?

* * *

**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter Seven

My head was aching, and was constantly in pain. I felt sore all over my body. My left arm was stinging and I felt like the bones on my elbow were misaligned; my fingers were hurting as if sharp needles were piercing me terribly. I could hear that my own breathing was making unfamiliar noises inside me, my chest was heaving abnormally, and I felt a tightening inside. I was in so much pain.

I felt so weak and I was horrified when I tasted my own blood.

I heard voices and they were having a conversation that was turning into something like argument. One voice sounded stern and demanding, and his voice was somehow as cold as ice… I knew that voice. He was familiar to me. The other one sounded apologetic and troubled, but on the contrary his tone remained very professional.

I tried to open my eyes but they were heavy. I cleared my throat and started to call his name, but I found it was dry and rough and it hurt to speak. I opened my mouth, but I coughed terribly and suddenlu I felt my chest was tight and damn it was difficult to breathe. I coughed and when I did my chest was tight.

Hikaru… I hate myself for wanting to see him so badly even though my body feels so excruciatingly painful. Hikaru… I hate myself for wanting his warmth on my skin even though I'm sore all over. Hikaru. I don't understand myself anymore. I want to die and yet here I am… Almost dying, yet I'm still craving to see him. I'm in pain and Hikaru was the cause of it all, yet still, I want to hear his voice say, "It's alright."

And then I felt like I was spinning round and round. Afterward I remember feeling that someone cupped my chin and forcibly opened my mouth. I felt something inside my mouth and it was cold. I was thankful when it helped to ease the difficulty in my breathing, and then my chest didn't hurt much anymore. The next thing I knew, everything went black once again.

~_~

As I opened my eyes the plain white ceiling was the first thing I saw. I blinked constantly, then realized that everything around me was white.

My head didn't hurt much, unlike before, but it still stung slightly, and I felt numb at other parts of my body.

I was surprised when I felt something above me, and noticed that a bandage was wrapped around my head for obvious reasons. I moved my hands to support me because I want to sit up, but I was shocked when I realized my right arm was in a bandage and it hung on my left shoulder.

My chest wasn't as tight as it was before but I still coughed. Then, I heard someone fell onto the floor, and when I looked down at my side I found that it was Kyoya-senpai. I must have startled him when I coughed.

He flared his eyes for a moment then he stood up quickly. "You're awake." His face was filled with extreme concern as he came close to me and sat on the chair beside my bed.

"Kyoya-senpai? What am I doing here? And…what happened to me?" I said as I sat up although my body ached a lot.

"You shouldn't force yourself, Kaoru! Please just lay on bed." He exclaimed as he assisted me to lay back, but I gave him a reassuring smile, so he just let me take a sitting position.

"Where am I, senpai?" I asked. I felt pain all over now except for my right arm.

"You're in my house, Kaoru. You were beaten up last night by some drunkards. God Kaoru- if I didn't happen to drive in that area you could have been killed." he said with a heaving of his chest.

_Ootori Mansion? I'm at Kyoya-senpai's…house._ "It had been a long time, Senpai. Thanks for saving me." I said as I stared at him. Although what I wanted to say was that, "You shouldn't have saved me. I'd be happier if I died last night." But how could I say it now? I'd be just troubling Senpai, despite his kindness.

I was surprised as to how senpai's appearance has changed. He looked more manly and mature now. His raven hair had grown inches long, but he used gel to settle them neatly, and he didn't have bangs anymore. He was still using glasses but they made him look more professional... And handsome.

He's twenty-six now if I remembered it clearly. Perhaps twenty-seven.

"You don't have to call me Senpai, Kaoru. We're not high school students anymore, besides, I believe I gained the reward that you must omit that title." he said pushing up his glasses. It was a normal habit of Kyoya every time he feels unease.

I smiled for a moment, "Yeah, we're not in high school anymore." But pain infiltrated my chest, so I was silent right after. I remembered Hikaru. And of the event that occurred last night.

"How are you feeling now, Kaoru?" Kyoya asked as he leaned closer to me.

"I-I'm a little bit okay, Kyoya. But my right arm, I can't feel anything, it's numb." I said as I looked down to my plastered arm.

"The doctor injected you with some anesthesia since he needed to construct surgery to clean up your wounds. The anesthesia might still have effect on some parts of your body. Especially on your right arm and fingers, and oh god Kaoru," he said with condoles and I flinched when he caressed my right cheek, "Did you know you have an asthma?"

I was stunned.

Asthma? I have asthma? How come, since when, what, why didn't I know that myself? I felt my eyes widen for a moment, and to think of it, there had been some occasions and days that I felt like my chest was tight and heaving. There were times I had difficulty in breathing. It would make sense that I had asthma, wouldn't it…

I bowed down in woe as I shook my head, my ruffled bangs covering my eyes, "I didn't know." I was too busy thinking about Hikaru too much. He was my only priority. _I didn't have time for myself_, not even to notice that I had asthma. It's been a long time since my last visit at hospital for check-ups, too. I was so blinded with love that I didn't care much about my health.

"I see. It's not to worry anyway as long as you always bring inhaler with you." Kyoya said as he combed my bangs out of eyes. I just nodded in reply.

For mere seconds however, I was startled at the sudden remembrance, and I snapped hastily to break the silence, "Kyoya! Hikaru- did you call him? What day is it today? Don't tell me I slept too much?"

He was surprised and I saw his eyes narrow for seconds, but then he smiled at me. I knew it was fake though, "Relax Kaoru. One night without Hikaru by your side isn't quite much a hitch, is it?"

"It's not like that, Kyoya." I said and my voice was so low. I presume that Kyoya was thinking something else about my relationship with Hikaru. But he was thinking too much.

"Oh, don't tell me after all these years Hikaru still didn't know about your feelings for him?" he finally asked, I shouldn't be glad.

"We're brothers Kyoya, and it **should** remain that way." I lowered my face down. Damn it, it still hurts to admit it.

"I thought you wouldn't mind it. However I'm glad that you chose the right decision, you're brave Kaoru. But if I may conclude, you still have feelings for your brother till now, yes?"

"I can't help it." I answered. Then he went silent for awhile.

"Well," he broke off the awkward stillness. Standing up he went towards the table beside the bed and reached for the phone. "I guess I should call Hikaru, he must be worried now. I didn't call him last night since I was confident that you two were living separately. But actually, you two are still living together, right?"

He dialed and I grabbed his hands, "No Kyoya!"

He looked at me, looking confused, "You're not living together?"

"No, I mean, don't call Hikaru. Just please don't."

"But why?"

"I don't want to see him this time."

"You just don't want him to see your current state, do you?" his voice was hoarse.

"Yes. And I don't feel like seeing his face for real." my voice was shaking and I was afraid that he would notice it. He did.

He sat on my bed beside me and became serious momentarily, "What actually happened last night? Tell me, Kaoru."

I felt my chest was again aching. I guess it's not because of my asthma, but because of the unbearable pain I feel every time I recall his words, _"Haruhi and I decided to get married." _It hurts like hell. I won't last any longer if it hurts this much.

"Nothing much." I answered but I felt wet drops raining down on my cheeks. "Nothing much." I repeated and my tears won't stop falling. I grasped my chest and tightened my grip there. It hurts like hell.

"Kaoru…just tell me. Don't endure it all alone." I heard him say and his voice was soft and reassuring. I felt his hands caress my wet cheeks and I wasn't able to control myself. I cried loudly. I began crying louder, so I buried my face in my palms. I didn't want Kyoya to see my horrifying face.

"Kaoru." he pulled me into his arms.

"It hurt. I wouldn't be able to endure this pain Kyoya. I hate myself for loving him so much." I cried against his chest.

"Cry out all of your feelings Kaoru. Let it out and get rid of it." I felt his hands gently caressing my hair. He didn't embrace me tightly since he was afraid he'd hurt my arm. Kyoya, despite of his Shadow Prince's reputation, was actually kind and a gentle person.

"He's getting married." I said and I heard my own sobs become horrible. It wasn't me at all. I hate myself for being so weak.

"He is? Haruhi?" he asked and he sounded really shocked. I wonder why since he already knew that they've been dating since high school.

"Yes."

He pulled me out from his arms and then he cupped my wet cheeks. I could see the hope in his eyes behind his glasses, and I wondered why, "Then don't you think it's your chance to let him go, Kaoru?"

I cleared my dry throat and I have to admit- somehow what he said annoyed me. "It means one thing Kyoya. I couldn't stay at his side any longer. Don't you know how much it hurts me?"

"I know Kaoru. I do understand your feelings, I really do." He paused, "But somehow, what you feel isn't normal anymore. You loved him for many years, and now that he's getting married, you need to let him go along with your feelings. You need to accept it because if you don't, you'll end up hurting yourself even more."

"It's hard Kyoya. No matter what I do, I just love him even more." I sobbed. Freaking tears these were.

"If that's the case, then you should tell him and stop his wedding." he sounded irked, but he tried to relax his tone.

"I couldn't. How can I? It hurts but, as long as I see him happy then it's enough."

"You're stupid. Oh damn it, Kaoru. You don't have to suffer everything. Look at me." He cupped my chin so I could face him. His glasses were off, and now my teary eyes were locked to his. "There are many things and people around that you've not yet discovered. Your problem is you overly focus your attention to Hikaru alone. You don't care about anyone or about your feelings because you only care for Hikaru. You always say it's alright as long as Hikaru's happy, but don't you care about yourself? What happened to your own happiness then? You don't have to do all the sacrifices and endurance, Kaoru. Free yourself from that TIGHT link you casted with your twin. It's about time you must let go. You're 25 Kaoru, damn it, you're old enough to decide your own happiness."

Wow. Even if my feelings were tight and that I was crying, I was actually amazed at Kyoya's words. It was the longest thing he's ever said to me; the longest sentences that he'd ever said.

I was glad that he was worried about me. But what he said didn't make sense to me.

"Hikaru is my only happiness. Without him at my side I am nothing, Kyoya." He was right- I am blinded with my love for Hikaru. But I'd promised it long before, if my love for Hikaru was stupid, then I'd become the stupidest younger brother on earth. I'm pathetic, aren't I?

I saw his shoulders drop. There was madness mixed with agony fastened in his eyes. I know it for a fact, if I wasn't in a dangerous state, if my arm wasn't plastered, then for sure Kyoya would yank me onto his bed and punch me on my face and he would say, "Would you fucking WAKE UP KAORU?!"

But Kyoya wasn't Kyoya at all if he lost his control. He was always calm and composed in any situation he was in. I adore him because of that.

"You're really dense, aren't you?" he said. He leaned in closer to me while cupping my chin, and once again, his eyes were locked to mine and I felt awkward all of a sudden, "I was afraid long ago since I know you and Hikaru are inseparable. Back then I wasn't strong enough to convey my feelings, so I first decided to reach my goal in life and that was to surpass my Dad and brothers. But I was confident that we'd meet again, so do you think I'd let you go now that we met again, Kaoru?"

"What are you saying Kyoya?" I asked. He was acting strange all of a sudden.

"God, Kaoru. I'm trying to imply here that since Hikaru decided to get married then you should free yourself from his grip! And try looking towards the others! Start a new life with a new person, damnit, don't just focus to your twin brother who did nothing but cause you pain!"

I was surprised when Kyoya raised his tone. I'd never believe he could lose his control. But I was taken aback. Since what he said was actually right.

I averted my eyes. He was right.

"No, I mean, I'm sorry Kaoru. I didn't mean to yell at you." he apologized and I looked back at him, "You weren't yelling at me, Kyoya. What you said was right anyway."

"Kaoru."

"However, my feelings for Hik—" he cut me off with a sudden kiss, gentle on my lips. I was petrified. Shocked. Then as I felt his tongue seeking for an entrance I was alarmed. I struggled and moved my left arm to push him away, but his other hand grabbed mine and locked them to his.

"K-Kyo—ya, no, Kyoya—stop." I said, but it was a bad move to open my mouth just to make him stop since I did only give him a chance to enter my mouth.

I moaned uncontrollably when his warm and wet tongue collided with my own. I know it wasn't right and I was confused as to why he was kissing me, but damn, Kyoya's a good kisser!

His kiss was gentle at first, but then in a minute he was kissing me hard and wet… It's as if Kyoya had been restraining himself for so long and he just now freed himself from his isolated emotions. I felt blood rushing down below and I admit, Kyoya did a good job in turning me on. It's not that he's my first kiss, Hikaru was, but it was different since I was the one who kissed him during his sleep.

Kyoya was the first person who kissed me intimately like this, and it was a good feeling. His mouth was warm and soft and his tongue was expertly exploring inside my mouth. I gasped for an air. Then I kissed him back.

When I did he suddenly stopped.

He pulled back and freed my left arm, his face was full of terror, as if he did a dreadful thing to me. He stood up covering his mouth, then said as he turned around, "I-Im sorry, Kaoru. I shouldn't be doing that since you're recuperating from pain, I-I lost control."

"Kyoya," I uttered and then he walked towards the door. Before he went out, he said, "I'll call Hikaru. Please rest until he comes."

The last thing I saw was Kyoya's broad shoulders and firm back. Then I traced my lips as I recalled how good Kyoya was at kissing me. I looked down and I was thankful he didn't notice my throbbing erection. Damn it.

~_~

I sat on the bed with my back leaning on the headboard. I could feel pain in my right arm, and now I can tell that the anesthesia's gone. I rarely moved it since it's really painful. Kyoya didn't come back since three hours ago, and I wonder if he did call Hikaru, since if he did, he would be right here in a minute.

The doctor came in just a few minutes ago to check my condition. Now I'm all alone here inside the room. I'm actually getting bored... If only I had my notebook and pen, and if only I could move my hand. And if only Hikaru was here. Then I wouldn't be bored, despite of everything.

And then I remembered. Hikaru isn't mine anymore. How painful it was. If this would continue, I'm certain, I wouldn't be able to endure it.

Then I could hear noises behind the door and it seems as if there's fighting. Someone yelled and I was stunned. "Let me see Kaoru!"

"If you're behaving like this then I wouldn't allow you!"

"Give me the key!"

"No. Damn it, I shouldn't have called you!"

"So you won't give me the key? Damn you!"

"He needs rest, not you. If you're behaving like this you'll just hurt him more."

"He needs what? Huh, I'll show to you what he needs!"

THWACK!

There was a loud bang and the door crashed. I was shocked when it broke and collapsed down onto the floor. I saw Hikaru with his right leg raised in a combat way. I couldn't believe he had kicked the door, and was it even possible to be broken just like that? Or was Hikaru just really strong?

"Kaoru?!" his eyes widened as he saw my condition. Kyoya was behind him, terrified at the sudden crash.

"Hikaru?" I uttered then he ran towards me. He suddenly jumped on the bed and sat beside me as he hugged me tight, not even realizing my right arm was plastered. Perhaps he did but didn't care since he just wanted to embrace me.

"You worried me so much Kaoru. Please don't leave just like that, it had me worried all night." he said, pulling me out from his arms. Then he was appalled. "God, what happened to you?"

Kyoya didn't tell him I presume.

"I told you he needs rest. He was beaten last night by some fucking drunkards. I'm his hero, just in case you want to know." Kyoya said as he stepped inside, nodding his head in disbelief as he stepped over the fallen door.

"I didn't ask you Kyoya." he cupped my chin and I was nervous when he stared at me, "God Kaoru, I'm so sorry I wasn't able to protect you. You just left last night suddenly and I couldn't leave Haruhi. I'm so sorry, it must be painful, I won't allow this to happen ever again." He traced his fingers gently over my plastered arms, the other on my bandaged head.

Haruhi. Now I'm certain… I hate hearing her name.

Especially coming from Hikaru's mouth.

When I stared back at Hikaru, I saw that he really was worried about me, and then I conceded that I couldn't just let myself DIE and leave Hikaru all worried and in despair. I didn't want to leave him after all. I'm stupid. I just love him so much even to the point that I'm killing myself emotionally.

"I'm just alright, Hikaru."

"Oh believe me he wasn't." Kyoya disagreed as he stood beside us.

"Stop saying you're alright even though you aren't." Hikaru said as he stood up, fixing his collar and then he rolled his sleeves up to his elbow. "Let's go home, Kaoru. I'll take good care of you. Thanks Kyoya for saving my brother and for aiding his injuries, but I'll take him now."

"Should I say welcome?" Kyoya rolled his eyes towards his door.

"Tsk. I'll send you the payment later." He said then he bent down to carry me in his arms. I was embarrassed, but I couldn't say NO to him. I just want to remain silent as long as I could since it hurts to make a long conversation with him.

I just wished he wouldn't mention the marriage while I'm still recuperating from my injuries. It would be so painful on my part and I'm afraid that if he did, I'd be tempted to commit suicide.

"Don't you realize it's not a good idea to carry him? It's better to use a wheelchair."

"I'd be more confident if I'm the one to carry him, at least I know he's safe within my arms." He slowly lifted me up with gentleness and carefulness, and without even emitting any complaints he carried me into his arms princess-style. I know he found it difficult to carry me since he's afraid to make any movements that would cause me pain. He was very careful this time as he held me in his arms.

But I didn't want to cause uneasiness for Hikaru. "Hey, you don't need to carry me actually."

"Don't speak Kaoru." He said and I was silent. "We're going now Kyoya, thanks for the hospitality."

"If it's for Kaoru, then I wouldn't mind." I heard Kyoya say and Hikaru gave him a suspicious glare.

"Well then, expect a visit from me." Kyoya added and we were off.

~_~

We rode in a limo and I sat on Hikaru's lap. My head was resting on his chest and his arm was curled around my waist. The other one was gently patting my hair. Even though my body was still aching, I felt safe and relaxed within his arms. It didn't matter if I was hurt… As long as I'm with him, as long as Hikaru's on my side. I admit, I'm really stupid for loving him this much.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru." He kissed my hair and I closed my eyes.

"You don't have to apologize all over again, Hikaru."

"But I feel guilty. If only I'd followed you last night then you wouldn't be hurting like this. I wish to take all of your pain."

_You wouldn't bear to take it all. The pain was too much to bear. _

"It's alright. It's my fault anyway, I walked instead of riding a car."

"Stop saying that Kaoru. You always take the entire burden although it's supposed to be mine. Damn, I wasn't a good big brother."

_You haven't been a brother to me since I see you in a different way. I love you, do you know?_

"Hikaru," I said, I didn't want to say it but…for the moment, I couldn't endure it since I feel weak.

"Yes?"

"You're holding me so tight, I can't breathe."

"Oh! I'm sorry, I'm sorry Kaoru!" He apologized as he loosen his hold around my waist, "It's just that I'm afraid to ever let you go."

I closed my eyes once again. I wanted to absorb his words. _I love you, do you notice? I wonder how much you love me, too. I was always wondering since you never told me. Ne, Hikaru, if you had to choose between me and Haruhi, who would you pick?_

"It's ok." I said.

"Don't worry Kaoru. When we get to the mansion I'll summon the best doctor to aid you. I promise, everything will be alright." He kissed my head.

_You're the best doctor I ever had. Your presence is already enough._

There are so many words I wanted to say. But those words remained unspoken till now.

"I love you, Kaoru."

That was the first time he said it to me. If only I had a tape recorder with me- I'd record it. And I'd keep it as my most treasured possession.

"I love you, Hikaru." I always have. But in a different way.

~_~

~Owari~


	8. Chapter 8

Thanks to my beta! **NefertariNami! **Thanks to my readers who reviewed me and motivated me more! I'm sorry if this story made you cry a lot, but as you can see, it's angst. But don't worry, everything will be settled down sooner. Hope you wouldn't hate Hikaru much. He has his reasons too, if only you know. Ahaha. I love you all!

* * *

**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter Eight

* * *

"How are you feeling now, Kaoru?"

I hate the world. And I hate myself for hating the innocent world. But most of all, I hate the fact that Hikaru invited her to come when in fact, she's the very person I don't want to see.

I closed my eyes then cocked my head to the side, "Better." I replied. I hate myself more. I can't find any reason to hate her since she's kind to me, she didn't do anything wrong but, she's the one who stole my brother. And that fact alone is killing me. She stole my brother.

And she will have him forever.

"That's good. You're recuperating fast. It made me worry." I don't want to hear her voice. How can I tell her without sounding rude?

My chest ached. I think my asthma might have been triggered. I could feel my chest tightening, and I'm starting to have difficulty breathing. Just her presence makes me sick. Just knowing that she's here inside my room makes me want to die. I can't breathe.

"Kaoru, time for medicine." Hikaru came in holding a tray with a glass of water and some capsules on it. I shifted and gently sat up, careful not to make any movements that'd hurt my plastered arm. Do you know why I couldn't tell Haruhi to go from my room? It's because of Hikaru. I'll endure dealing with Haruhi as long as it's for Hikaru. Yeah I know. I'm stupid.

"Here." he sat and leaned in to cup my chin, his face was close to mine and his hand was warm on my chin. If only he knew how much effect it had on me. I opened my mouth to take in the capsule and he helped me drink some water. I smiled on the inside. Knowing that Hikaru cares for me this much is already enough to ease the throbbing pain. I couldn't wish for more. Could I?

"Just tell me if it still hurts, I'll bring you to the hospital."

"No need Hikaru. I don't want to go to hospitals. But thanks." I said. Hospitals make me even more sick. I wonder if Hikaru still remembers that fact.

He caressed my cheek and I flinched. Then he leaned in more and kissed me on my forehead. It felt so warm. I wanted to see Haruhi's expression when Hikaru kissed me, but I shoved off the thought. It wasn't a big deal to her anyway.

"Don't walk all by yourself again, Kaoru. I don't know what I'd do if this happened to you again."

"Sorry for worrying you."

"Dummy." He patted my head gently. "You should be more worried about yourself,"

"Well then, I should be going now Hikaru, I'm going to be late." Haruhi said then Hikaru stood up. She looked at me and I felt like I wanted to shove her out of my room. I really didn't want to see her face this time, "I wish for you to recover soon, Kaoru."

But when she smiled at me, it was really odd, I just couldn't hate her after all. It's because no matter what the circumstances, she's still so kind to me, and besides Hikaru, she's the only one who could somehow understand me in some minor ways—but not all the time.

"Thanks for the visit, Haruhi." I smiled factitiously. I don't understand myself anymore.

She just nodded her head and I saw that Hikaru curled his arms around her waist. My chest was tightening even more, "Take care, okay." He said softly.

He kissed her. On the lips. In front of me.

Excruciating. Painful. I lowered down my face and my left hand was clenched underneath the mattress. Will I be able to endure the pain? Will I last long? If yes, for how long would it be for? Was it really okay for me to stay at his side even though it was killing me? Am I really that desperate to have him at my side forever? That even though I know he has Haruhi it's still fine with me—as long as he's by my side? Am I really that pathetically in love with Hikaru?

"I'll try my best to visit you again, Kaoru. Rest well." she said.

"Kaoru, rest now okay? I'll take Haruhi to Uni."

"Hn." I muttered, shifting to the other side so I was facing the massive windows. When I heard the door close I started crying.

I cried so idiotically. My chest ached so much. I actually didn't want him to leave my side even for a single minute. "Hikaru…"

_Why do I love you so much despite that you give me nothing but pain?_

_Will I be able to…last long?_

~_~

"I'm glad that you look better now. But does your arm still hurt? Can you move it now? Can you walk?" Kyoya asked as he situated the basket full of fruits on my bedside table.

"I think my elbow was badly misaligned, but the doctor said it wasn't too critical. I can walk but my sides still hurt. Though it's going to take a month before I can freely move my right arm, it really is a hassle." I said, pitying my right arm as I looked at it.

"A month? That's torment." He said as he sat on the chair beside my bed. I'm glad that Kyoya pay a visit to me but yes, somehow, I can't look straight into his eyes for a long time. I can still remember that day when he kissed me. And the thought embarrasses me. It's a good thing that he didn't talk about it after that incident. Perhaps he can't even remember it. Or perhaps he's trying to forget it since it was nothing important.

I wasn't looking straight at him, but out of the corner of my eyes I could see that he was staring at me, and he didn't even avert his eyes once. At the other corner of my room I could feel an unnerving aura that was emanating abruptly. Somehow, the ambience just wasn't right.

"Kaoru," Kyoya's voice suddenly went soft. I have a bad feeling about this.

"What is it, Kyoya?"

"Oi oi, you two stop talking as if I'm not around!" OH- that's right, the unnerving aura was coming from this man, Hikaru, who stood at the glass windows as he crossed his arms.

"Why don't you just go out for a moment? I want to talk to Kaoru." Kyoya irksomely said as he turned his devil eyes to my pissed off brother.

"You are talking to him now, aren't you?" He glared back, unfolding his arms.

"It's something personal." He pushed up his glasses.

"Why, can you not tell it to him while I'm around? I'm his brother so it doesn't matter. Besides, this is our house."

"Can we not have some privacy? It's something you wouldn't be interested in anyway."

"I wouldn't leave Kaoru to someone who I don't trust."

"Hey, Hikaru! Don't be so rude to Kyoya. It's like you two weren't friends from high school, that's mean."

"We aren't friends to each other." They said in unison as they looked irksomely at me and I was agape.

"Comrades then."

"Oh c'mon Kaoru, we aren't in high school anymore and we're not absolutely in the host club." He said and of course I knew. But it didn't mean they had to treat each other as if they were enemies. They have to at least shave ome past memories towards each other, even if they're little ones.

"I'm just telling you that you don't have to be rude,"

"And you're siding with him? You prefer to be with him than me, is that what you mean?"

"Of course not! I mean, no, I'm not siding anyone. Please Hikaru, don't be so childish this time, you know what I mean- Kyoya is a friend." I could feel my hands were shaking under the mattress, I… I didn't want to make Hikaru mad at me. I didn't want him to raise his voice. I'm too weak to handle my emotions every time he raises his voice, I'm weak.

"I don't have any friends rather than you and Haruhi."

"I see. Well then Kaoru, I guess I must leave now since Hikaru's in a bad mood today. In any case, I don't want to be the cause to ruin your brotherly relationship." Kyoya stood up then he came closer to my bed and since he was facing his back to Hikaru, my twin didn't see when Kyoya handed me a small piece of paper. I took it and enclosed it within my palm.

"I hope you recover fast. I'll find time to visit you soon." Kyoya said as he smiled. He winked at me then walked towards my brother, when he passed by him he whispered something I couldn't hear.

When Hikaru wasn't looking at me I took the chance and opened the flat sheet Kyoya handed me. It read:

_Kaoru,_

_About the last time… I want to apologize for my sudden blunt action. I lost control, but I admit I don't regret it. I'm sorry though. I hope you don't mind. When you fully recover I want to ask you out. Let's have some time together. As your former sempai, this is my request. – Kyoya._

I furrowed my brows in bewilderment. Some parts of what he said confused me a bit. But I didn't care much. I felt a little embarrassed when I confirmed that Kyoya didn't forget about the kiss. He apologized, but said he wasn't regretting it. Weird.

When Kyoya exited the room I only saw Hikaru in a terrified expression. I know he was pissed as he was gritting his teeth.

He walked towards my bed and noticed the paper I was holding. "What's that Kaoru?"

"Nothing."

~_~

Two weeks later and I was recovered. My body pains aren't there anymore, although my right arm is still in bandage. Hikaru doesn't know about my asthma, and I wasn't planning to tell him. I didn't want to make him worry about my health. Besides, it isn't much of a critical issue as long as I have an inhaler along with me.

Ever since my injury Hikaru never left my side. Every night he always drives me home and to wherever I'm planning to go. Not that I have anywhere to go anyway since I'm always with him.

Before we had dinner with Haruhi I was always going home by myself. I have my own car and he has his, but now we are only using his. And he was the one driving. Besides- I can't drive since I still have my injured right arm.

Hikaru's wedding was moved due to my condition. It's going to be held two months from now. The thing is, it still doesn't change anything. He would still marry Haruhi. And to add insult to the injury, Hikaru requested me to model his wedding suit that he was going to make.

He actually wanted me to make his gown, but since I'm not able to do that due to my condition, he decided to make it himself.

He said that it'd be more memorable and sentimental if his twin was the one who made his wedding suit. If only he knew how painful it is for me. But in any case, there was no way I'd design his suit, no way. So in the end, he said I'd become his model since I couldn't make it myself.

"We're not having the same body measures anymore, Hikaru. You're taller than I, why are you getting mine?" I asked while he was taking measures of my height. I was standing for almost ten minutes now. He was in front of me, getting my body measurements, and I couldn't help but restrain myself. He was too close to me.

"Don't worry, I know what I'm doing." His breath was hot on my skin.

"I doubt that. If you really want to perfect the measurements, then I could measure you again, I'm not completely disabled you know. You don't have to measure me, I'm _not_ the groom here." I pouted. Damn if only he knew.

"When I face the altar I want to remember you,"

"What's that? Brotherly-complex confession?" I grinned.

"Idiot." he snapped.

"Then what do you call it then?"

"It has no name."

"That's strange." He was now measuring my waist.

"You know Kaoru… I'm getting married. And since I am, I want to face the altar along with you. It'd make me happier if my beloved twin is there as well, so you could feel what I feel while facing the priest, and that could only happen if I'd imagine that you are with me. Knowing that the suit I wear is made from your measures- I'd be the happiest groom on earth."

"Actually, you're confusing me." I said, playing innocent.

"You don't get it?" He asked as he stood straight to face me closer.

I shrugged my shoulders. Then he sighed.

"Well, I don't get it either." He said, then I knitted my brows.

"Just kidding. Actually, Kaoru," he said and I was surprised when he pulled me into an embrace, "I want to imagine that you are beside me while facing the altar."

_Like a bride? Funny._

He was saying such weird things suddenly. My heart beat fast again. I can't help myself every time he was hugging me intimately, "And why is that Hikaru?" He'd said such words that almost created a tiny hope inside me, he's acting strange all of a sudden.

His scent was melting my body. My knees were almost trembling.

"We're twins. We're always together. You are always beside me. You never left my side ever since we were born. Even though I'm the older one between us, you are the one who always takes the responsibilities that are supposed to be mine. Even if I was at fault, you always say I wasn't. Even when you are in pain, you're still more worried about me instead of worrying for yourself. Sometimes I've done terrible things to you, yell at you, but you always remain calm and never once raise your voice. Most of the time I behave as if I'm not considering your feelings as my twin, but it's actually the opposite. I'm always considering your feelings, but I'm always ending up in distancing myself from you. I'm stupid. I apologize for being an irresponsible older brother, Kaoru." His hands were tightening around me, I couldn't breathe.

He was suddenly saying such soft and apologetic words. I raised my left hand and curled it around his back. I want to hug him so bad.

For the moment, I want so bad to tell him how much I love him. I want to confess and tell him I love him in a different way. I want to tell him I'm so hurt every time he was with Haruhi. Tell him to cancel his wedding with Haruhi. And just stay at my side forever.

But I can't. I'm not strong enough to tell it. I'm weak.

"You just noticed it now, Oniisan?" I told him instead, tightening my grip on his back.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For everything."

I was silent. He didn't have any idea about my feelings for him, now that he's going to marry this had occurred to me: I want to confess to him. But he might feel disgusted. So I've decided to keep these feelings forever without him knowing. At least I know that he's happy with Haruhi, and I couldn't wish for more.

"Kaoru, if it's only possible, I want to have you beside me while facing the altar."

"That would mean that _we_ are going to marry Haruhi, that's funny. It's like we're going to marry the same girl." I laughed a little. Hikaru's a childish often times.

"Kaoru, why didn't you have any girlfriends till now?" I was stupefied.

"You're changing the topic Hikaru."

"Why?" he said and I could feel his fingers were playing with my hair.

"She isn't yet born I think." I answered.

"Really? Introduce her to me when time comes," he said and for some reason, what he said made me so sad. Totally sad.

And for some reason, I wanted him to know my feelings for him- I wanted to convey how much I love him. I hope he wouldn't mind.

"Hikaru, I'll tell it to you only one time, so listen carefully." I started. If I wouldn't tell him now then I couldn't tell it to him forever.

I tiptoed on my feet so I could match his height, I shifted so I could whisper clearly to his ear, "And perhaps this will be the last time I'd tell it this way,"

I felt his body shivered a little. Then I whispered intimately, "I love you. I really do." I told him that I loved him without saying his name.

I didn't know how he would take my words. But I'm certain that this was the first time I said it with so much love and in an intimate way. It didn't matter if he thought I said that as his twin. Although I also hope that he got what I mean. How I wanted that he got what I meant.

In any case, whether he got it or not, it wouldn't change a thing. Would it?

But maybe, just this once, I want to hope for a little. Hope that he'd answer me with what I want for an answer from him.

"I know." was what he replied.

I guess…he didn't get it after all.

And for that, I realized something that I should have long ago.

This was the end of it, this was the answer. I wouldn't pursue anymore. I'll set him free from my grip, and this time, this is for real.

~_~

Owari

E/N: *wiping tears* Does anyone there have an extra tissue? Until now I couldn't believe I was torturing Kaoru this way! (Sumimasen, please don't attack me just because I tortured Kaoru so much) OMGEE. Honestly, I don't want Hikaru to marry Haruhi—what the hell am I doing by the way??? I couldn't help it though. I feel so sorry for Kaoru. Wtf are you doing Hikaru???! Geez.

Angst angst angst,,……geez.


	9. Chapter 9

A lot of thank you to my beta: **NefertariNami!!!**

* * *

**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter Nine

* * *

A month has passed. My right arm has recovered completely, I can move it now without getting it hurt, and it isn't in a bandage anymore. I'm happy since I can now go back to my work and write.

Hikaru and Haruhi are always busy in preparing their upcoming wedding, and I'm always left behind at the mansion. Or if not there then I'm normally at the office. Hikaru wanted me to go with him, but now I am keen enough to refuse him. Now that he has his new life with Haruhi, I decided to learn to refuse his childish requests and tantrums.

It's better not to spoil him too much anymore. He's old enough anyway. I should have had realized that before, so it wouldn't be too hard for me to accept it now.

He didn't need me unlike before. And I wouldn't push myself any longer. Just knowing that he's happy now, that's enough. I couldn't wish for more. And I couldn't do anything to stop him from marrying Haruhi. Who am I to stop his happiness? After all, it wasn't his fault in the first place, and I wasn't blaming him, because it's my own fault that I fell in love with my own brother. I loved him unconditionally.

I'm starting to distance myself from him now. Since I couldn't wish for more.

Then one day he'd told me, it was when I'd made a full recovery, he'd said that after their wedding he and Haruhi would move to a new house. He'd bought one that was bigger than the Hitachiin Mansion.

Then he said, "Move out with us. Let's have a new life together, Kaoru."

He was really possessive over me, and he was so stupid when he'd said that. And I couldn't believe that he did. It was really unfair. No one's fair on this world. I was starting to live on my own and distant myself from him, I had already set him free (even though it hurts like hell), but here he was—he _couldn't_ set me free.

How could I recover and move on with my life if he wouldn't set me free?

He was unfair. He was childish. He never changed. He was too dependent on me as I was always dependent on him.

But I won't allow him to decide things for me again. I won't let him dominate me now that he has a new life with Haruhi. When they get married three weeks from now, I will move out from the Hitachiin Mansion, but not to live with them. I decided to live on my own. I've bought a condo unit anyway.

Kyoya was right. Now that Hikaru's getting married, it's the chance for me to let him go and have a life on my own. This was the chance for me to set him free. Since I couldn't have him myself.

I admitted, it was hard to accept. I couldn't accept it until now. But I have to. It's really painful and the pain I have—there is no medicine for the cure. I know that if I stay with him I won't last any longer, I might even ruin his relationship with Haruhi. I'm afraid that day will happen so, I must _not_ live with them.

I must live on my own now.

It's really painful. But I have no choice. No words can explain how painful it is for me, yet still, I am happy for the two of them. I am happy for Hikaru. And I'm glad that it was Haruhi he chose, since I know her very well and I know she's a good person. She will take care of my brother like the way I did.

But she could never love him as much as I do- do you know why? Because if there's one person who'd love Hikaru so much that he would be willing to die in pain and still love him without any doubt- it was me. And I alone.

However, I'd be happy for them.

My phone rang and I wasn't too surprised when Kyoya's name appeared. Well, maybe just a bit.

"Hello? Kyoya?"

"Yes," he replied on the other line.

"What's up?" I played with the pen between my fingers.

"I was just thinking if you're free today."

"Uh. Yes, I'm just at home now." It was a month already since he last visited me, and after that visit, he never showed up again, although he said he would. I knew he was busy.

"Really, if you wouldn't mind, I want to ask you out. I was thinking that you might be bored since Hikaru was busy."

"How kind of you, Kyoya. But of course I wouldn't mind. Besides, you're just in time- I was planning to buy my wedding gift for the couple today. Perhaps you can give me some advice too."

"Great then." He said and I paused for a sudden, "By the way Kaoru, how are you feeling? Is your arm okay now?"

"Ah, yes. I'm fine now."

"I'm glad. Well then, I'm going there to pick you up."

"Okay." I answered then he hung up. Just then, I heard a knocking on my door. I walked to open it and one of our maids came in view.

"Sorry to disturb your time, Young Master." she bowed.

"It's okay, what is it?"

"You have a guest waiting for you at the parlor, Young Master. He said his name is Kyoya Ootori."

Kyoya? He's here that fast? Or was he really here a moment ago before he'd give me a call? That's amazing.

"Oh. I'll be there in a minute." I answered then I closed the door. I had to change clothes immediately.

~_~

"You look more handsome each time I see you," he commented as he rested his chin on his knuckles.

We were currently having coffee at a well-known coffee shop since we both love coffees.

"But the more you look handsome, the more you look sad and pathetic. Seriously, you still can't get over him?" I grimaced.

"I'm trying. But it isn't that easy." I said, crossing my legs as I turned my eyes away from him. I didn't know Kyoya could read me.

"I wonder if someone told you this but, you've changed a lot, Kaoru. Sometimes I feel like I want to punch your brother. He's the cause of it all- he turned you to something you aren't."

"Believe me Kyoya, he didn't have anything to do with it. He doesn't even know my feelings for him, so he doesn't know he's hurting me. Whatever I became, I'm not blaming him."

"You're mad."

"I knew that long ago." he was silent. And so was I.

"What will you do now?"

"Nothing. Just get a new life and move on. There's nothing I can do about it." I said as I tilted my head.

"You really love him, don't you? Enduring the pain for all these years, and keeping it from him, I wonder how you've manage to handle it."

I clenched my hands, "Is that why you're asking me out, Kyoya? To just ask about my feelings about Hikaru and so on, saying how pathetic I am for all these years? Damn it, I know that already. You don't have to say it to me directly."

"I didn't mean to hurt, Kaoru. I'm sorry. I'm just worried." he said apologetically.

"No, I mean, I'm sorry too. I'm just…yeah, I can't get over it. That's why I have to move out and try to forget about my feelings for him. The more I see him, the more my feelings for him increase a million times. Crazy, isn't it?"

He just sighed.

"So when are you moving out?"

"Next week I guess. But only my things, I'm still going to live at the Hitachiin Mansion until they get married. If you are free, can you help me with some of my things, Kyoya?"

"Sure. Did you tell him already?"

"No. I was planning to tell him after his wedding. I'm afraid he won't allow me and that's why I have to wait for him to move out first."

"He's moving to a new house, too?"

"Yeah. He bought one and they're going to live there after the honeymoon." I said, and while I was saying it, I could feel my chest tightening painfully. But the pain…was a normal feeling to me now.

Someday, I would be numb in pain. And somehow, I'm getting used to it.

"I see."

"Say, Kyoya, what do you think would be nice to buy as their wedding gift?" I asked, changing the topic.

"Well, it depends on their taste. You're his twin so you know most what he likes. And as for Haruhi, I think she'd be glad if you're going to give her a commoner's item."

I took a final sip then I stood up. "Let's go there, then."

"To where?" he stood up as well.

"A commoner's shopping place."

~_~

I know what Hikaru likes. He loves twin sets of things. And Hikaru loved mostly books. In fact, he has many collections of various books, novels, and manga. In his room he has a library full of many books. But he doesn't read it all the time.

Maybe it'd be nice if I bought him a book for a newlywed couple.

"Hey, Kaoru?"

"Eh?"

"You weren't listening to me, were you?" Kyoya asked as he leaned closer to me.

"Ah, I'm sorry Kyoya. What were you saying again?" I said as I moved forward to the book section. We're in the public market and I wasn't much surprised when lots of people were everywhere- it's crowded, it's chaotic. And I couldn't hear much of Kyoya's voice.

"I just want to know if you already decided what gift you'd buy."

"For Hikaru, I'll buy him a book. For newlyweds." I answered as I scanned the book titles with my eyes. "And I haven't decided for Haruhi yet."

"Uh. I think it'd be more appropriate if you just bought them a tea set, tableware, or perhaps a ticket for two for Italy and all over Europe." he said and he stood beside me.

"That would be nice." I looked up at him, "But Hikaru loves books the most."

"Well then, let's see what we can buy." he said and I was reaching for a book at the upper section of shelf. When I couldn't reach it with my hand, Kyoya, who now stood closely behind me, reached up to it for me. He was too close and I could even feel his clothed chest on my back, and, yeah, he was tall. Taller than Hikaru.

"There," he whispered in my ear and I shivered since his breath was hot. He grabbed my left hand and handed me the book, and I was surprised when he grabbed the other one and entwined it to his. But my heart wasn't pumping fast unlike every time when Hikaru intertwined my hand to his. I could feel his even breathes on my nape and I blushed a little. Somehow, I felt like he did it on purpose. Does he have a motive?

"Eh, Kyoya-senpai?" I heard the voice that was comical in some ways, "And Kaoru?" I was shocked and turned my face towards the owner of the voice, and then I felt like thunder struck my brain when I saw it was Haruhi…and on her side was Hikaru.

"Oh, long time no see, Haruhi." Kyoya said and I tried to pull my hand off of his, but he wasn't letting go. And he was still behind me, God, help. Hikaru might misunderstand this again. Mis-what? Arrgh! Why am I acting as if I'm worried that Hikaru would misunderstand, this wouldn't matter to him anyway, so there's no way I'd feel nervous!

"Long time no see, senpai!"

I composed myself and I looked at Hikaru beside her, but he turned his face away and I was alarmed. Even it was for mere seconds, I was certain, I saw anger and jealousy on Hikaru's eyes. And this time, I was surprised, since Hikaru didn't confront or jab Kyoya on his face—since that was what he always does every time he finds out that Kyoya's with me.

They walked towards us and I pushed Kyoya back- we're now standing side to side but he wasn't letting go of my hand. I hate myself for being so physically weak. When I realized that he wasn't planning to let go of me, I then surrendered, as I hid the book behind my back.

"What are the two of you doing here?" Haruhi asked and they're now in front of us. I couldn't look at Hikaru. Well, he wasn't looking at me anyway.

"We're dating." Kyoya answered and I was extremely shocked!

"D-dating? Seriously, Senpai—and Kaoru?" Haruhi stammered unbelievingly.

"No—Kyoya just-" I denied but Kyoya tightened his grip on my hand, then he pulled me closer to him. Damn I'm ruined.

"Oh I see! That's why Kaoru didn't have any girlfriends because it's actually Kyoya-senpai! Hee, you're too secretive Kaoru. And senpai, it's been eight years but you weren't showing up your face to us. But you're seeing Kaoru. You're so unfair Senpai."

"No, actually we've just started dating." Kyoya said and I felt like my body was frozen to death. Worst is, I couldn't find my vocal chords to speak and explain everything, I couldn't utter a word.

"Is that so? Ah, Hikaru, did you know about it?"

"No." he replied and I think I'm going to bury my face deep in a hole.

"No. He didn't tell me that's why…" his voice was rough this time and I was nervous when he moved closer to us, then the next thing I knew, Hikaru was grabbing Kyoya's necktie.

"Let go of my brother's hand, you molester." I widened my eyes, I'm glad that Hikaru still cared for me but, I don't want him to have fight with Kyoya. Not in a public place.

"We're lovers so it doesn't matt—" Kyoya wasn't able to finish his words since Hikaru hit him in his face. He didn't fall onto the floor since he balanced himself already, but his face was reddened and I was terrified. Haruhi widened her eyes and was speechless for a moment.

Some people around us gathered as we'd caught their attention.

"This is violence." Kyoya said, wiping the blood on his mouth, my chest was aching and for that moment, I wanted to cry. Hikaru didn't have to become so violent towards Kyoya, why did he always do this to him? He was overreacting to many things, especially when it comes to me and Kyoya. But he didn't have to. Kyoya is a long time friend.

"I told you not to come close to Kaoru ever again! And what's this dating all about, Kaoru? Tell me he's lying!" he yelled, looking furiously at me. I was taken aback. He scared me suddenly. Oh God, why did it have to become like this?

"Hikaru, calm down. We're in public." Haruhi said, grabbing his arms.

"So what?" we all widened our eyes and Haruhi was silent again. He turned his fury eyes on me and I was trembling, "Just tell me Kaoru—you aren't absolutely into man! And you aren't dating Kyoya, tell me!"

"Tell him, Kaoru." Kyoya said, eyes egging me on to make a move and speak out, conveying to me that this was the good chance.

Hikaru shook my shoulders, "Kaoru! Don't tell me…"

"Yes." I said, tears started flowing down on my cheeks, it horrified him and this wasn't what I'd wanted but I have no choice, "Kyoya and I are dating." I continued, dropping down the book I held onto the floor. My hands were shaking inadvertently.

I saw his eyes, horrified and mad. I clutched my aching chest and gripped it tighter, I'm in so much pain, "That's why…you mustn't hurt Kyoya like that again, because you are hurting me, too, Hikaru."

LIES.

Ever since I realized that I was in love with Hikaru, ever since I loved him, I was then living in a world full of lies. My world with Hikaru around was filled with LIES. I wasn't living in a peaceful world any longer. I had become the greatest liar just because of Hikaru.

I am a liar because of him.

I am a sinner because of him.

What more could I become just for him?

His shoulders were dropped down. His grip tightened more on my shoulders, I saw his eyes filled with disappointment. He was disappointed. He wasn't expecting that his brother was into man, he's probably disgusted me now, won't he?

"That's it." he said but his tone never changed, it was rough and livid. "I won't allow this." he freed my shoulders only to pull me by one hand, "We're going home, Kaoru."

I thought he was going to punch me. I did really expect he'd be so much furious and then jab me in my face for dating Kyoya. But he didn't, though I could feel his fingers tightening on my hand. Yet I know hes really mad.

When he dragged me forward, I pulled back and slap his hands, "Let me go, Hikaru."

"I won't!"

"I have a date."

"I said I wouldn't allow it! Break up with him today, I demand!" he yelled and somehow, for the first time in our life, Hikaru pissed me off. He's throwing tantrums again.

When I didn't reply, he turned back to Haruhi, "Haruhi."

Haruhi just noddd and then he pulled me by force away from that shelf section, Haruhi tentatively following us. Sometimes I thought, it was a good thing that Haruhi could endure Hikaru's tantrums, and that after all these years, Haruhi still loved my brother despite of his bossy character most of the time.

"Why?" Kyoya asked in a higher tone, making Hikaru and us halt from our pace.

"Why are you so mad about it, huh Hikaru? Why are you so against to our relationship up until now? You're going to marry yet you aren't giving Kaoru his own freedom. You're so inconsiderate."

There was an odd silence from Hikaru. But he replied anyway.

"I believe you know it already. I don't entrust my little brother to anyone." My chest ached, I didn't want to hear anything from him- he's making me mad. Kyoya's right, Hikaru doesn't want to set me free. He's inconsiderate. Why Hikaru?

Where was my freedom? Why can you not give it to me, Hikaru? I gave everything to you so why, why can you not give me my freedom and let me go?

You're confusing me even more. I don't know what to do anymore. I think this was my entire fault. Yes, I caused this. Falling in love with Hikaru was wrong in the first place. To fall for my own brother had caused me a lot of despair and trouble. I believed, that the torment I'm always having is the consequences for loving him. My love for Hikaru was a SIN. And I am being punished because of this sin.

"Somehow I think, you only see Kaoru as your possession, not as a brother. That he's a toy that you won't share to anyone but have him yourself. You're actually pathetic, Hikaru."

"I hate you." he replied then we were off, dragging me. I looked back at Kyoya and I felt sorry for him, but he knew, that I couldn't do anything to stop Hikaru nor to defend myself. Because I'm weak if it's about Hikaru. Since I was always afraid he'd get mad at me, despise me, disgust me, and leave me. I'm pathetic.

I saw Kyoya's fury but determined eyes, staring at me as we walked out, then he caught up, "I'll save you from that torment, I promise, Kaoru."

But I believe I could no longer be saved from this torment. Because this was my punishment for falling in love with my own brother. And if ever I would be saved from this torment, I believe, only Hikaru could do it.

Only he could save me. But that's too impossible. Wasn't it?

~_~

E/N: Uwah. What have you done to our Kaoru, Hikaru? You've turned him to someone he shouldn't be!!! Bring back our OLD Kaoruuuu!!!! *okay, calming down* Come to think of it, why do I always put Kaoru into torment--***!!? Okay, since it was the plot. See above genre? Yes, it's angst. But I myself can't endure it, ahhhhh, I can't stop my tears! Do you know how painful it is for me to write this story? Yes, this is so painful to write! But for Kaoru's sake (and for yours)—I will continue!

P.S: Kaoru's love for Hikaru is irreplaceable ne? Indescribable ne? He's too blinded with his abnormally love for his twin, don't you think so, too? Is it even possible to endure that kind of torment in a real life? Ne, tell me, am I making this so unbelievable to believe? Hee. ^_^

After all, this is the WORLD OF FANFICTION!!! Everything is possible HERE! So okay, don't sue me.


	10. Chapter 10

**OMGEE. **We're now in chapter 10, I love it! And I love the fact that my reader's love this, too! A lot of thanks to my one and only BETA reader, **NefertariNami**! She's doing much effort too in editing my errors! She's on a vacation right now and I hope she's doing fine there. Happy vacation to all of you! Enjoy your summer!

* * *

**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter ten

* * *

"Welcome back, Young Masters."

The maids bowed as we entered the mansion. Hikaru was still gripping my left wrist and Haruhi was tentatively following us inside.

"Hi—Hikaru, you don't need to be so—" I heard Haruhi say but she was cut off by Hikaru.

"Haruhi, please don't try stopping me, this problem is between brothers. You know me very well, _right_?" The way he'd said it made my body hairs stick out. He really was mad at me… Even Haruhi couldn't stop his temper.

"Hikaru…"

"I don't want you to interfere." His voice was cold, then he turned to face our butler, "Please take Haruhi home and safe." When our butler bowed he then dragged me by my hand upstairs- to his room.

I could tell how mad he was, how terrified he was, and how disappointed he was just by the feel of his shaking hand wrapped around my wrist.

When we got to his room, he opened the door and slammed it closed.

I'm scared for the first time ever. But I wasn't showing it to him.

He pinned me into the wall, holding my hands above my head, and his seething eyes were locked to mine. "What the hell were you doing back there, Kaoru?! What the hell are you thinking?!"

"Why the hell you are so mad about it, Hikaru?" I asked back, and it was the very first time I asked him something that way. I'm scared every time he looks at me. My feelings are torn apart every time he raises his voice towards me, but now, I am able to conceal those cowardly emotions. I am able to answer him back.

And Hikaru doesn't know that he scares me a lot. Since he's too stupid to even realize it himself.

"I've just found out that my brother is a homo, dating a man in public, and it is Kyoya of all people?! Damn it. Who wouldn't be mad?" His grip tightened even more. He's losing his control.

I have had enough of his childish tempers; his tantrums are often unreasonable. But why am I always enduring it? I'm really pathetic. This man in front of me, the brother whom I loved for so long until now, was now directing fury glares at me and I wonder…I wonder…and wonder…

Why do I love him so much?

I wonder how come I've fallen for this man, despite of his temperamental moods and despite of the pain he always injects onto me.

Perhaps because…I'm just utterly stupid.

I love him. But I have to let him go. And he must let me go, too, so it won't be too hard for me to move on. But Hikaru's possessive. He's childish. And greedy.

"Do you want to know a fact about me, Hikaru? A fact that you didn't know?" I said, and I could hear my own _cold_ voice. It's cold and had no life or color. Hikaru was stunned.

"I'm a homo. I always have been ever since high school. You just didn't know it since you didn't give a damn to notice it. Are you going to confront me now, Hikaru? You're too late for that, you see, your little brother is a homo no matter how against it you are. Disgusting, isn't it? I know what you're thinking." I continued, curving my lips a little to fake a menacing grin. But I think I failed, it wasn't a grin- it was a pathetic fucking smile. It doesn't contain with emotions though, not even a tad.

"Kaoru you—!" he outburst and I saw his right hand move to hit me on my face, just as I was expecting.

So when I didn't react nor move, just staring at him so coldly, Hikaru wasn't able to land his hand on me. But instead, he punched the wall right next to my head.

Then he punched again. He punched hard. And he threw his tantrums on the innocent wall, hitting it madly with his two clenching knuckles, and kicking it as he went wild shouting somewhat like in despair, anger and disappointment mixed together.

"Fuck it Kaoru! Fuck it! I don't care if you're a homo, but it fucking shocked me! I don't want this…don't allow anyone else to fucking touch you, damn it!"

He yelled and it echoed inside the room. Then I stunned from where I was pinned.

I saw Hikaru going wild and mad, punching the wall and throwing everything near to him, not caring about his knuckles getting swollen and red. Not caring if he messed up his room.

I'm sure that for a moment I was numb about my feelings for him, but when I saw him going wild my feelings were stirred once again, and I failed concealing my feelings for him this time.

I couldn't endure seeing Hikaru like this.

This was the second time he has become wild like this. The first one was when we were five, when Dad and Mom went abroad and left us behind for two years with no one else around but some maids and a butler.

"Hikaru…." I said as I walked to him.

"Fuck it Kaoru!" he yelled at me.

"Hikaru, would you fucking stop this tantrum!" I raised my voice, he's losing himself and I'm sure, I'm going to lose mine as well.

"You fucking stop dating Kyoya!" he punched the wall again.

"Stop saying fucking stupid things!" I yelled back, grabbing his swollen knuckles.

But I was surprised when he took that chance to pull me to his, he wrapped one arm around my waist and the other was restraining my hands from any movements.

"Break up with Kyoya!" his eyes were terrifying me. Our faces were close to each other. He didn't know what he's doing to me, didn't know how much this closeness affects me. Ah, I'm the stupidest person on earth, and Hikaru's the most dense and inconsiderate person ever on earth.

"I love him." I answered. It was much easier to say you loved a person even if you didn't then to confess your feeling to a person whom you really loved. At least in my case, it is.

"No, you don't!" he insisted, "If you want someone to hold you, you can at least tell me and I'll do it! You don't need to date a man just to satisfy your fucking horniness!" he said and I was stunned… No… I was horrified. Was he insulting me?

I was so shocked and the pain of his words were making me stiff, and I wasn't able to notice that he was now kissing me. Kissing me. Fucking what, Hikaru is kissing me!!!?

Oh God.

His tongue was warmer and hotter, and he was impatiently seeking for an entrance. There were no precise words that could explain how shocked I really was. I wasn't expecting a kiss from Hikaru not even in my entire life. But he was mad. He was childish and was just simply possessive. That's all to it with the kiss.

A fucking selfish kiss.

He was just merely conveying it to me, showing it to me, who I belong to. This was his way of telling me that I don't belong to anyone else, but only to him since he is—possessive.

I gasped when I felt his hand sliding inside my shirt, "S-stop it now, Hika…ru." I don't know if I am to regret it or not when I opened my mouth to speak, since it only had caused for his tongue to enter inside my mouth. Exploring me. Kissing me. Then hard and wet. Damn it, I'm losing my mind.

I wanted to struggle more but I couldn't. Since I'm loving this. Wanting this for so long.

I felt his hands moving up inside my shirt and I moaned lewdly when he pinched my erect nipple. Oh the angels in heaven, it felt so damn good. But wrong.

I think I was losing my own breath since he wasn't leaving my mouth. He was kissing me and I was constantly gasping for air. I tried to restrain myself but I couldn't help it, I moaned. And moaned.

His tongue was so hot inside my mouth, and I could feel my own threads of saliva trickling down the bottom of my lips, so badly wanting him. Wanting and loving his kiss.

"Haa…" I moaned.

"Damn you, Kaoru." he said and his other hand was now groping my ass, the other one exploring my chest. This is too much.

"Haa..stop, please." I said but I don't know if I was really meaning it. "Haa…ah!" I mewled against his mouth when Hikaru started grinding his hips against mine, I could feel his own erection slightly rubbing my front. I'm going crazy. He's damn right, I'm horny. I easily become horny when it comes to body contact, especially when it happens to be Hikaru. But I never knew that Hikaru was this so horny, too.

I was then alarmed when he rubbed my bottom, his fingers were rubbing the part where my hole was, and damn it, it feels so good so I moaned loudly, twitching my legs together.

"Did Kyoya touch this place, too, huh Kaoru?" he said, rubbing me more.

"W-what…are you saying, Hika..ru?" I said, panting.

"Don't play innocent!" he said as he pulled my hand and pushed me onto his bed. Then he went on top of me, pinning my wrists above my head, straddling me. He was now staring at me, and I couldn't tell whether he's mad or…jealous.

"How far did that man touch you, Kaoru?"

"You're mad, Hikaru. You're thinking too much, we've just dated, nothing more. But if that's what you want then I could go to him and let myself be touched by him. You can even watch us while doing dirty things." I said, matching his stares. I'm saying such mad things, too. I might be going crazy after this, perhaps I'd surrender myself to an institute specialized for crazy homos, if there's any.

His eyes narrowed. But his grip was slightly looser than before, since it wasn't hurting me now, "You want to be touched so badly, don't you?"

"If I say yes, does it matter to you?" I answered coldly.

"Damn it- yes! I'm your brother!"

"A real brother won't kiss his brother." I said, and I was shocked by my own words. He was stiffened.

"Really?" his voice was unfathomable, his bangs covering his eyes, then he said, "But a brother would do anything far beyond norms to make his brother feel comfortable. A brother doesn't care about his feelings as long as his other half is doing good. A brother wouldn't do a things that'd make his brother's life miserable just because of his own selfish, stupid love. And do you know what more is there being a brother, older brother, Kaoru?"

He was saying it, and he was right, but somehow, I couldn't imagine if he was talking about himself or if he was talking about me. And somehow, his words don't suit him either, since I can't remember a day when he made big sacrifices just for my own sake. Ah, there was one, when he helped me to relieve my horniness. Was that a big enough to fall for a sacrifice? Nonsense. Besides, I'm miserable now, aren't I? He already had made my life miserable without him noticing it. Funny, isn't it?

He leaned in closer to my face and I saw something in his eyes. It wasn't agony hiding in jealousy, was it? "A twin brother Kaoru," he continued and I shivered at the feel of his breath on my cheeks, "—is most of the time selfish and insatiable. Doesn't intend to share the sole person he couldn't bear to lose, and the good thing about being an older brother is that," he paused only to lick my earlobe, whispering as he now caressed my hair, "He could make his younger brother feel satisfied. I could pleasure you, too. That's why…there's no need for you to have Kyoya…since you have me….only me, _Kaoru_."

"Isn't that a childish, selfish demand, Hikaru?" I said, ignoring his thrill kisses on my chin, or was trying to do so.

"If that's how you see it, then, let it be." he answered, then he stared back at me, "That might be right. I'm selfish Kaoru. I'm possessive, and I might be the stupidest and cruelest older brother ever on earth."

I laughed a little at the last part, "Cruelest? It sounds perfect in your mouth, it suits you very well. You've done such a terrible thing to me without you noticing it, haven't you Hikaru?"

He was stunned for a moment. And I regretted that I'd even said that. But there was no going back either- this might be my chance on telling him how painful it was for me to accept his marriage and how hurt I was every time he chose Haruhi first over me. But could I really tell him that? I guess not.

"And what is it you say? That you wouldn't allow me to see Kyoya or someone else? Why Hikaru? When you started dating Haruhi back then, did I once confront you about that? Did you hear a words of complaints from me every time you ignored me just because of Haruhi? Did I say I wouldn't allow you to date Haruhi in front of my very own eyes?" I said, and I didn't notice that I was already crying underneath him, I just couldn't stop my tears from falling…it always hurt me this much.

He was so petrified that he wasn't gripping my wrists anymore. He was stunned, but I don't know if it was because of my tears, or if it was because of what I've just said.

"Kaoru…"

"Ne, Hikaru, I gave you all my support didn't I? Even though it hurt me a lot. Wasn't that enough? What more do you want from me, Hikaru? You mustn't want me a lot since you are going to marry Haruhi, and that would be weird either way." I said, smiling at him even though my tears were falling unstoppably.

"Are you jealous of Haruhi? You couldn't be possibly…jealous of Haruhi?" he said and his voice was a bit trembling for no reason.

Eh. He just noticed that very obvious and reasonable FACT just now? He's totally dense, isn't he?

"You're so in love with her that you didn't notice. You haven't considered my feelings even as your twin brother." I said.

"No! You're wrong, totally wrong Kaoru!" he'd said, impossibly shaking his head.

Yes I might be wrong, but I'm always wrong in the first place. It's wrong that I love him despite of the circumstances. And despite the fact we're brothers.

However.

Time is up. There is nothing more to say.

If I continue saying more things I would end up confessing my feelings to him. And that wasn't a good idea especially now that he's getting married. I don't want to be a burden to him and his new life.

I wouldn't make a move that would trouble Hikaru for the rest of his life. Though he gave me nothing but pain, and always pain, and though he made my life totally miserable, I just couldn't disturb Hikaru's peaceful life with Haruhi.

If he would know my feelings for him, I'm certain that it would disturb his mind for entire centuries.

That's why…

I pushed him forcibly forward and he almost stumbled down on the floor. Fixing myself together, I tried to relax, and wiped my tears away.

Looking down at the baffled and frustrated Hikaru, I said, "I wish you all the best for your wedding, _Oniisan_. And please wish me luck for my new life without you around."

With that, I turned around and walked immediately to exit his room. Leaving Hikaru shouting for my name, and when I heard his footsteps, I ran as fast as I could to immediately leave the Hitachiin mansion.

I drove my own car. As I exited the mansion's gate, I saw Hikaru on the side mirror as he was running idiotically trying to chase my sports car. I saw him panting as he fell onto his knees.

That was how we separated.

And that was for the best for both of us.

~_~

"Aren't you going to attend his wedding?"

"I'm not sure. If I go there I might be causing chaos at the end. Who knows?" I answered Kyoya. He was sitting on the couch with a laptop on his lap.

"It's the day after tomorrow, isn't it?" he asked for confirmation, although he already knew it himself. I grimaced, grudgingly tapping my fountain pen on the white sheet. I couldn't write any further. The painful yesterdays were still haunting me.

"So?" I irksomely said, crossing my legs as I swiveled my chair so I could be facing his direction.

"Well, I've heard that he wasn't going to start the ceremony if his twin brother wasn't arriving."

I stunned. "Ohh, really? I wouldn't be surprised though. He's always like that- childish."

"The host club members are coming, even Tamaki. You should be present no matter what," Kyoya stated, lifting his head to look at me.

I just raised an eyebrow at him, then he added, "Your absence might cause disturbance to your family, and it'd eventually confuse the former host club members. Worst is, Hikaru might blame himself since you couldn't accept his marriage till now. Do you want that?"

I knitted my brows at Kyoya. He knew a lot of my weaknesses. I pushed my glasses up and said, "Well, I might as well attend. But you'd escort me, wouldn't you?"

He grinned. "My pleasure."

He closed his laptop and placed it on the couch, then he stood up, and in a minute, Kyoya was standing in front of me. He took off my glasses and said as he leaned closer, "But you know Kaoru, I wouldn't really mind if we were a couple for real. Not just for the public show off."

I stared seriously at him, "There's no reason for that, is there?"

He leaned in more, his nose almost pressing against my own, "I thought you already believed me when I said that I love you? My words still aren't enough?"

"I believe I answered you back then, Kyoya. Making you my lover wouldn't be fair on your side. I'm still madly in love with Hikaru." I said quite frankly, but Kyoya knew that I'm always frank and honest to him. Especially with my feelings.

He cupped my chin, "If only you'd let me, then I can make you forget about him, and love me instead. But you are always thinking of him despite everything, until now. It makes me mad and jealous. I envy your twin."

I saw sadness in his eyes. And I was certain that, that sadness was quite similar to my own. Unrequited love would always affect a person's life.

I pulled his necktie and kissed him. But it wasn't long enough, I pulled out. Then I said as I hugged him tight, "I'm sorry Kyoya. But making you my lover wouldn't change a thing. I don't want to hurt you. It's better this way, let's just remain friends."

"Let's make a bet then. No, a promise." he said, hugging me tight in return.

"What?" I said.

"If after five years and we are still both single, let's become lovers. Till then, I will take good care of you, and I'll give you the love that Hikaru couldn't give."

I laughed a little. Ruffling his raven hair, I smiled at him, "I accept. But five years wouldn't be enough to heal my heart."

"Ten years."

"You would wait that long?" I was shocked.

"You have waited for Hikaru for more than eight years. You loved him for the entire time. But I, I could wait for you even if it means forever."

"I really don't know what to say, Kyoya." I said, bowing my head.

"You don't have to say anything." Now he was the one who ruffled my hair. "Well then, don't you think it's time for you to finish your novel? Tomorrow is the deadline, isn't it?"

I was stunned. Then I freaked out as I remembered. "Arrgh! That's it! Oh God, how could I forget about tomorrow?" I exclaimed and went back to my table.

Kyoya just laughed behind me. "Sorry for the disturbance, Kaoru."

"No, it's okay Kyoya!" I turned to glance at him, with a pen on my right ear, "Just don't mind me if I suddenly freak out, or if I suddenly yell. It's a normal thing for me to do when I'm pressured."

He shook his head, sitting back at the couch, "It's alright." Then he jerked.

"Arrgh! This is just a draft! I still need to encode this in my computer!" I freaked out.

That's right. I'm a novelist. I write BL novels. Ever since five years ago, writing novels and fictions was what I did in my spare time to dispatch my boredom. A pen and note was always my loyal companion, especially every time when I was depressed over Hikaru. I started writing since that was the only way I could relieve my fantasies about Hikaru.

And it wasn't long enough that the first book I wrote became a best-seller. Such then, I begun working under a publisher company, faking my identity as a woman named Kokoro Ono. Guess who's the owner of the company? Hee. Kyoya Ootori.

And now, I'm currently living in my own condo unit. Ever since I left the Hitachiin mansion that day, I never once went back. I made Kyoya sneak inside my room to pick up some of my important things. Thankfully he wasn't caught. Kyoya had helped me a lot in moving my things, and I'm glad he's supporting my decisions. But I was actually surprised, when one day he'd confessed his feelings for me. I wasn't expecting that.

Who would have thought that Kyoya' s not into women? And I couldn't imagine that he's been in love with me since the entire high school years.

Hikaru doesn't know where I live right now. I wasn't planning on telling him in the first place. I bought my condo unit under a false name, so Hikaru won't be able to find where I'm living. That's how I badly want to distance myself from him, since its better this way.

I heard that he'd went wild for almost a week. I heard that he locked himself in his room for a week, and I heard he and Haruhi almost split up. Almost ruining the upcoming wedding.

But I've also heard that when Mom and Dad came back to Japan a few days ago, Hikaru then came out from his room. That was a relief.

Kyoya was the only one who knew my address. And I know he won't tell anyone either. He occasionally comes over to visit me, and sometimes he sleeps over. When I go out publicly, I always have Kyoya on my side, afraid that Hikaru might show up suddenly—and with Kyoya at my side it would be enough for him to calculate that we're dating and we're currently living together. And for that, it would be clear enough that he wouldn't come to chase me (because he's possessive) since I'm happy with my new life.

It worked.

But it was Haruhi who saw us, not Hikaru though. I know she told Hikaru about Kyoya and I since I received many text massages and missed calls from Hikaru every now and then. After that, I changed my phone number, as Kyoya had suggested.

Then, I never heard anything about Hikaru's current status. I don't have any contacts except Kyoya, and Kyoya was keen enough to hide where I live and all. And two days from now, Hikaru would be getting married. I wasn't planning to go, but I think I must after all, since I know it's the most important day of Hikaru's life.

I should even applaud myself since I've come to endure the pain and loneliness without Hikaru around. I have such great endurance, really. But I admit, in total defeat, I MISS HIKARU LIKE HELL.

Living with him while Haruhi's around was like living in hell. Sure it was, but I've realized that…living without Hikaru by my side was far beyond what I thought. It's like I'm living, but my soul, mind and heart aren't there to find.

Without Hikaru, there wasn't Me.

Without Hikaru, my world was lost to nowhere.

And I couldn't find it. I couldn't find my world anymore.

"I wonder if Hikaru's doing fine. Is he…okay?" I whispered in the midst of the midnight air.

~_~

*BL novels (Boy's Love Novels)


	11. Chapter 11

**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter Eleven

* * *

~_~

Today is Hikaru and Haruhi's wedding. I shouldn't be going since I'm scared. I'm scared that if I see Hikaru in the church, clad in his wedding suit, I'd be torn apart and be melting in torment. Such an exaggerating description, isn't it?

I woke up early this morning, or something like that, since I didn't want to be late. Kyoya had said Hikaru wouldn't start the ceremony if I wasn't there. I don't want to cause any trouble. So even if I didn't want to witness his wedding, I still have to attend, for Hikaru's sake. I wonder what's actually happening to me…since no matter how painful it is, Hikaru is still my first priority. I guess I'm just abnormally in love with my older brother.

I looked up in the mirror and I grimaced at my own face. It has been a long time since I faced the mirror, and I've just noticed that I look horrible. Not completely, but I still look horrible.

Someone knocked on my door and I knew it was Kyoya.

"Coming." I said, tying my maroon necktie as I opened the door.

I looked up at Kyoya and smiled, "Morning, Kyoya. You're so early."

He knit his brows a little, "Morning Kaoru. But I must say…" he leaned in closer to my face, then he knit his brows again, "You didn't sleep last night, did you?"

I laughed but it was fake, "You're imagining things early in the morning, Kyoya." I said, turning around to walk inside.

"I can tell... You have dark bags under your eyes." He walked in.

"It must have been because I went overtime to finish up my novel." I explained, although he was right. Well, how could I possibly sleep last night—knowing that Hikaru's wedding is today? Of course I couldn't sleep. So I didn't.

I was even planning to drown myself in alcohol last night. It was my way of celebrating Hikaru's wedding. But Kyoya had kept all of my sakes and beers- he kept all the alcohols I've purposely bought.

"Wait a minute, Kyoya. I'm going to fix some things, then we're off to church." I said.

"You've got to be kidding. It will start at nine, it's seven twenty." he said, checking on his wristwatch.

"Then why are you here so early?" I asked suspiciously at him.

He looked at me with a tad of concern in his eyes, but a teasing grin was curving on his lips, "I was worried that you'd hung yourself, but I'm glad you didn't."

I just wrinkled my brows as I rolled my eyes at him.

~_~

The first person that my eyes were yearning to see was of course Hikaru, and I was totally surprised when I saw him standing at the church's entrance, clad in his marvelous wedding white suit. I was appalled. Hikaru looks thin, even thinner than I am. Even the suit that was supposedly from my measures fit him now.

He lost so much weight.

When Hikaru saw me, his eyes widened and I couldn't move my own feet. My heart was pounding so fast. His face was showing unexplainable expressions. But I could tell that he didn't know whether to smile or to wave at me, he didn't know if he should approach me or if he should just ignore me. I don't know how to approach him either.

He was just there, standing, and his unfathomable eyes were just staring at me. And I just stared at him in return, baffled. Scared. Nervous. It was only three weeks that we haven't seen each other, but for me, for us, it's like we haven't seen each other for the entire fifty years.

When Kyoya approached me and curled his arm, guiding me to enter the massive church, I saw Hikaru that was about to launch over us, clenching his fists. But he was caught up when someone shouted,

"The bride is here!"

And the wedding song started to play.

The other host club members were there inside, but it was only Tamaki-senpai whom I haven't yet seen. Perhaps, he's just a bit late. I heard he was coming to attend. Well, Kyoya and I were a bit late too. I was planning to arrive early but my hesitations and fear to see and talk to Hikaru was bugging me a lot.

Honey waved his hand, gesturing us to sit beside him in front, and I smiled at the fact that he has grown a lot taller. But I could still see those cherry blossoms and cute flowers surrounding Honey's body, strangely enough. I think he brought Usa-chan too.

Mori was beside him, and I was surprised as to how he'd become so muscular and tall. They both smiled at me, and to Kyoya, who then waved back at them.

I'm not part of the ceremony anymore, I refused Hikaru's request to become his best man and I don't have any idea who took over my role.

Dad and Mom were there at Hikaru's side, and I don't know if they noticed my presence or not. But I didn't care much. It didn't surprise me when a lot of guests were there, some of them were colleagues of Mom and Dad, elite people and family whom I didn't care much for. Even Kyoya's family attended.

I sat beside Kyoya- Mori and Honey were on his other side. Actually, I didn't want to seat here in front 'cause I could nearly witness the wedding of my beloved brother. But I can't say no, and I can't refuse Honey, since it will just confuse them.

"How are you?" "What's up?" "It's been a long time." Greetings and other reuniting hi's and hello's were still left unspoken among us, at that moment, the wedding of Hikaru Hitachiin was more important than anything else.

When the song started to play, my heart was already pounding so fast, my insides were shaking. When I saw Hikaru with Mom and Dad each on his sides, walking modestly in the aisle, my heart hardened.

Hikaru passed by me, our eyes met for brief seconds before his swept away. In that second, I was certain, Hikaru wanted to tell me something, many things that he wasn't able to say to me before. When he finally stood there at the altar, I averted my eyes and lowered my head, I could feel my own chest tightening in pain.

I felt Kyoya's hand wrapped gently around mine, giving me the comfort he could at least share at that moment.

The solemn song continued to play, and in the corner of my eyes, I saw Haruhi clad in her astoundingly wedding gown, marching in the aisle like a beautiful goddess. I lifted my head and she was sparkling, but when I stared at her closely enough, I saw something in her eyes that I shouldn't have.

Disappointment.

A bride on her wedding day is the happiest person on earth. But I didn't see that pure happiness in Haruhi, she was smiling, yes, she was sparkling, yes, but something was still missing. I couldn't fathom what and why.

Hikaru welcomed her at the altar. He held her hand and I was about to burst and cry. I wanted to cry but no tears were falling. I couldn't cry, perhaps I have dried out all of my tears last night that no more was there left behind.

When the priest started to speak, I felt like I was losing my own breath.

The ceremony went by, and I felt like I was going to die, as if the doors of death was already saying hello to me. Funny isn't it? It isn't. It's not damn funny.

It went on. Then everything around me seemed like a group of sharp needles, trying to kill me through their piercing stares. I saw Hikaru standing in front of the altar, I saw only his back and I couldn't endure it. I would lose Hikaru forever. He isn't mine anymore.

He'd be tied to Haruhi. And Haruhi would become his first priority.

My chest was tightening. My heartbeat was becoming rapid. My breath was hot even though I don't have fever.

"Hikaru Hitachiin," I heard the priest say.

I grasped my chest tighter, it was so painful. My chest was heaving so hard. I couldn't…

"Will you accept—"

_No…No…_

"Haruhi Fujioka as your lovely wife?"

_No…please no…I can't endure it. I won't be able to bear it. I can't. I still can't allow you to get married!_

A stupid silence passed by. And I could hear familiar noises inside my chest. No. I couldn't breathe. I lifted up my head while I grasped my chest tighter than before, I felt Kyoya's hand behind my back as he whispered, "Kaoru…you okay?"

I couldn't…

"Hikaru Hitachiin, will you accept Haruhi Fujioka as your wife?" the priest repeated and I saw Hikaru flinched for a bit. I couldn't allow Hikaru to marry, no, that's too much already! Seeing only his back is too painful—I want him to face me.

_No. Look at me for the last time, Hikaru. Please look at me! _

_Look at me and notice me, notice that I don't want this! _

_Turn your back and look at me, notice my pain Hikaru! _

_You don't want this, do you? Please look at me…Hikaru…_

I cried out inside. And it was hard to breathe. I was trying my best to look at his back, anticipating that he would turn to look at me, but he didn't. He didn't look at me.

I'm going to lose my breath soon. It's so difficult to breathe, so please Hikaru, just this once, please look at me.

"Yes," he said and I felt my whole body shaking in terror, "I do."

NO! I raised an arm hoping it could reach his back. I moved my feet hoping I could run and take him away, steal him away from that altar. But my hard breathing was almost killing me and the pain devoured me, I felt weak all over my body and I couldn't stand on my own anymore.

_You can't marry her, Hikaru!_

That was the last word I heard myself whispering inside, I felt Kyoya's arms wrapped around my waist as I collapsed and totally lost control of myself. But before I had closed my eyes, I saw Hikaru's horrified face.

~_~


	12. Chapter 12

Again, thanks to my lovely beta **NefertariNami **for editing my chapters!!! Uwahh, I'm moved to tears after reading all the reviews that were left to me! I'm so happy just knowing that my readers are loving this fanfic of mine. You guys motivated me a lot. Ah, I've been writing cliffhangers for the previous chapters, this one too. Ehe.

Special thanks to: Ebony-S-White and Klowag for sticking up with me till now, and for their undying reviews!! Thanks to my readers who keep reviewing my story! I'm sure Kaoru is happy to hear your reviews, as well!

**Important**: Guys, I'm really sad to say this but, I have to. I'm not certain though, but since its summer already, I have few things of my own that I need to do personally. So to say, I'm also having my vacation with my Oneesan, although I have written chapters till 13, I have not yet finished writing chapters 14 and onwards (But I already have the whole plot, so don't worry). I'm not certain f I can update chapters 15 and onwards faster as it should, but I will try my best. Even though I'm in vacation, I'll do my best to write and update more since I love you all!!!! So yeah, be glad that I love you for loving this story, haha.

* * *

**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter Twelve

* * *

~_~

_I love you. My heart is shouting for your name… Do you notice? Hikaru?_

_If you notice, will you hate me? For loving you this much? _

_I love you. I was always waiting for you to tell me those words. But, do you love me the way I do? It's funny however, but I can still remember your words back then. _

"_Kaoru!" you called for my name. _

"_What is it, Oniichan?" I replied, running faster than my usual speed, just to get over there with you, seated on the grass in the middle of our mansion's garden. _

"_Come over here," you said, patting your lap to indicate that I had to sit there. I know you always wanted me to sit on your lap. But my weight doesn't bother you at all. _

"_Look at the sky Kaoru," you said, snaking your small arms around my small waist. "Isn't it beautiful?"_

_I nodded my head. "Wrong." You said, and I was pouting. _

_You hugged me tighter but gentler, and then you whispered in my ears, "You're more beautiful, Kaoru. The sky couldn't compare to your beauty inside and out." Were your words._

_I turned to look at you, "I'm not a girl, so I'm not beautiful Hikaru-niisan. I'm muscular."_

_Then you laughed at me. You turned me around so I could be facing you, "Let's make a promise Kaoru."_

_I broadened my eyes in excitement at the thought. I always love making promises with you. And I know you love it too. "What kind of promise?"_

"_We're going to stay together, no one can ever separate us, no matter what." You said and I noticed fear in your words. I noticed your fear in the way you said it. I was confused._

"_But of course we won't be separated from each other. We're twins, we're always together." I replied and you smiled. But at that moment, I saw behind your smile the fear that I myself was keeping inside. _

_You caressed my bangs and I flinched at your touch. "We look very much alike, there's no doubt we're twins." Was what you said._

"_Mmn." I replied. "I love it this way," I added. "Since no one can tell who is Hikaru and who is Kaoru. Only we can understand each other, only we know each other very well. And I'm glad that Hikaru belongs only to me."_

_You pinched my nose. "No. Kaoru belongs to me." _

_I smiled at you, "Well then, we belong to each other. And no one else is to interfere." Then you smiled back at me. _

_You liked the idea very well, so you said, "If it's possible in the future, Hikaru will marry Kaoru. And let's be happy together, ne?"_

_I grimaced at you, "We're twins. We couldn't marry each other. Could we?" _

_I saw dash of desolation flashed in your eyes. You cupped my chin, and our eyes met and then you seemed to melt me, "Hikaru-niisan will do everything for you Kaoru. I'll do anything in order for us not to separate. I would do everything so that we could stay together, even Mom and Dad couldn't separate us. No one else can. I wouldn't let them no matter what." Was what you've said._

_I felt sudden alarming feelings from your words. It's like you were saying that even if we are twins, someday, there would be a possibility that we'd part ways. Your words were telling me that, something's bothering you but you couldn't tell me about it._

"_From today onwards…" you said, "We have our own private world, Kaoru. And no one else is to interfere. I love you, Kaoru."_

_I just smiled at the declaration. You were simply saying to me that you wouldn't allow anyone else to snatch me away from you. And that you wouldn't share me to anyone else, even to Mom and Dad. Since you belong to me, and I belong only to you._

_However, that was eighteen years ago. And we were seven years old back then. I wonder if you can still remember your own words. Seems that you forgot our promise. You forgot everything that you have said. You forgot but I didn't. _

_You forgot and you left me behind. You abandoned me. You're the one who abandoned me. You're the one who couldn't keep his promise. You chose someone else over me. You don't know how much it breaks my heart. You broke our promise. Hikaru._

"Kaoru…" I heard someone was calling my name. "Kaoru!"

_Hikaru's the one who first broke our promise. _

"Kaoru, please wake up. Kaoru…don't you dare close your eyes in front of me. Wake up now, Kaoru."

"Don't be hysterical Hikaru. He's fine now."

I felt someone's warmth on my hand, and as I studied it I knew it was Hikaru's hands. I opened my eyes. And I wasn't betrayed when I saw Hikaru's face, all worried and scared.

"Kaoru!" He exclaimed as he hugged me tenderly. "Oh God, thanks, you're awake now Kaoru!" He said and his voice was shaking as he poured kisses on my head.

"Hikaru?" I gasped.

"You don't know how much it scares me every minute your eyes are closed! Oh, Kaoru, can you breathe thoroughly now? The doctor said you stressed yourself too much." He asked worriedly and I nodded painfully, rolling my eyes around the room. I was surprised when I saw Mom in her still teary eyes, and Dad was on her side, and in one corner Haruhi was standing. Still clad in her wedding dress.

I was appalled.

Painful earlier events came back and I remained speechless. I saw Kyoya and the other host members standing at the door side, and I believe I'm in a hospital. Stupid hospitals.

"Oh Kaoru, my son!" Mom burst out finally, crying as she grabbed my other hand, bringing it up to her cold cheeks. "I'm so sorry we didn't know about your health- you didn't have asthma since you were a kid that's why…that's why…" she cried. "I'm sorry for being an irresponsible mother!"

I was stunned for a moment. But to remain silent wasn't needed at a time like this, "You don't have to cry Mom. It's okay. I'm fine. It's not a big deal."

"It's not a big deal? You fainted back there and you worried us so much, and you say it isn't a big deal? God, Kaoru!" I heard Hikaru snap suddenly- his eyes flickering in terror.

I lowered my head down. What's up in the sudden change of mood? Again, huh.

"You didn't tell me about this, why?" Hikaru added, cupping my cheeks.

I didn't reply since I don't know how to answer him. I'm not prepared to face Mom and Dad either. Haruhi? I don't want to see her face either. And I don't know how to behave and act towards Mori and Honey senpai. Only Kyoya knows about it. And only Kyoya knows my feelings for Hikaru. So only Kyoya could understand the "me" right now.

"Can I have a moment with Kaoru alone?" Hikaru asked, and I was suddenly nervous.

They all just nodded and in a minute I was left alone inside the room with Hikaru. My heart was pounding so fast. I don't know what to say to him. And I don't know what else there is that he'd want to say to me.

We haven't seen each other for weeks and I don't know how to approach him. I've just showed up on his wedding day and I even ruined it. He might be mad at me now. And I couldn't blame him.

He sat beside me on the bed and I was surprised when he embraced me tight. "Stupid…stupid…you…you scared me a lot back there!"

I thought he was going to confront me about my asthma and that I didn't tell him about it. And I thought he was going to say, "You ruined my wedding." But I was shocked when I felt something moist on my shoulders. I knew he was trying his best to restrain himself, but he couldn't- his tears were flowing down his cheeks. Hikaru was actually crying on my shoulders. Crying?

"You're so stupid! Why didn't you tell me about this, Kaoru? You're supposed to tell me!" he continued.

"Hikaru…I—I'm sorry." I replied. Why I am the one who's saying sorry to him? I'm the worst.

"Sorry? You worried me so much! I haven't seen you for weeks. Then you fainted all of a sudden. At that moment I thought I was going to lose you." he said and I felt guilty. I feel guilty that I made him worry and cry, although there was no reason for me to feel such guilt. I'm the worst if it's about love.

Then I remembered. What happened to Hikaru's wedding?

Someone knocked and Kyoya came in. "Hikaru, you need to go now. The guests are looking for you."

Guests? No. Don't tell me…

"No. They can wait. I'm not leaving Kaoru's side." Hikaru said as he pulled me out from his embrace.

"I can take care of Kaoru while you aren't around. Haruhi said she would be waiting at the reception site."

"The ceremony's done already. I'm not going to leave Kaoru."

"Don't be stubborn Hikaru. This is your wedding, perhaps you forgot."

Hikaru stood up. Glaring at Kyoya as he said, "You don't know anything so you fucking shut up!"

"Hikaru!!" I snapped. Surprised. Kyoya himself was taken aback.

Then Hikaru glanced back at me. I saw him sigh heavily, "I'm sorry, Kaoru." He caressed my cheek and added, "I need to leave now, but I'll be back. I promise." He said and he was gone at my sight.

I palmed my face as I whispered in the air, "What was that?"

I could feel my chest tightening in pain, not in asthma, but in pain. "What was that Kyoya? The wedding…did it…"

"Yes." he confirmed and then tears started to flow. Oh god… Damn it fucking hurts!

"When you fainted Hikaru ran after you. It almost created a chaos inside the church since he wasn't planning to continue it anymore. He badly wanted to carry you to the nearest hospital but we urged him not to worry. Your parents wanted him to continue the ceremony and just leave the rest to us. So I carried you here together with your parents and the other hosts. After the ceremony was finished, he and Haruhi came to follow you here in the hospital."

Damn it fucking hurts. I regretted the fact that I fainted. I was almost…almost going to stop the wedding, his wedding! When I saw him at the altar, clad in his wedding suit, I realized…I couldn't let him go just like that.

I couldn't let him go after all!

And I was…was going to stop them but… I stupidly fainted. I was going to confess my feelings for him in front of the public, in front of our Mom and Dad….but it's too late. I was going to commit the greatest humiliation in front of the public! But it was too late for everything. And I couldn't bring back time.

I laughed pathetically. I covered my face with my palms and I laughed pathetically. I laughed and it was mixed together with my sobs and cries. I am full of remorse and regrets.

"Guess that I'm too late huh…" I said between my sobs and laughs. I'm going crazy. I know I am. "I'm always wrong at the end."

"You weren't actually planning to stop that wedding, were you?" I heard Kyoya asked.

I laughed as I stared at him. He was appalled. Terrified at my own cold stares.

"It's just so simple, isn't it? Hikaru doesn't belong to me anymore. Why would I continue chasing him? It's all over. Even the fate and time, and even the God wouldn't allow it." I laughed inside the room but my tears were betraying me.

Then I felt Kyoya's arms wrapped around me. "Kaoru…"

I remembered someone. "Tamaki?"

"Tamaki didn't make it. He didn't show up and I guess his flight was intentionally cancelled." As I thought… Tamaki wouldn't come- of course he wouldn't. I think Tamaki and I share the same kind of feeling. Since I know that Tamaki's still in love with Haruhi.

~_~

Then that evening in the hospital, Kyoya had helped me to escape. And then I saw Hikaru running as if a jaguar was chasing after him, and was still clad in his wedding suit, panting as he entered my room. Kyoya and I were in disguise and he didn't notice when he passed by us.

Then I heard his frustrated scream.

"Where the hell is my brother????!!!!!!!!"

~_~


	13. Chapter 13

Tadah. I'm back again. So sorry I wasn't able to update last Friday. But anyway, here's chapter 13~with love. This will shock you a bit. But the next chapter after this will shock you even more. Okay, how's everyone's vacation? Mine was good but tiring in some ways. THANKS to my beloved BETA **NefertariNami**!!! She works fast, although sometimes she say sorry for being late in editing.

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**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter Thirteen

* * *

"Tamaki arrived yesterday. I heard he was planning to have a reunion in place of his absence at the wedding."

"Ah."

"Actually though, he called me last night. Did you get a call from him?"

"No."

"Ah, I forgot. I didn't give him your new number. Anyway, will you attend?"

"No."

I heard Kyoya's sigh and I didn't care much.

"It's the Host Club's reunion, Kaoru."

"I'm busy. Still need to finish this novel." I answered, hands busy typing on the keyboard.

"Even if it's Tamaki's request?" I knitted my brows.

"Haruhi's there. Hikaru's going to be there. So why would I go and hurt myself?" I replied in a deep tone, not even glancing at him once.

"I was just thinking that it would be better if you go and talk to Hikaru. Are you just going to leave things this way?"

"Would you please stop mentioning his name, I can't finish my work. Just…please, Kyoya." I said. Ever since his wedding, I didn't go back to the office and I already handed in my resignation letter. I quit as a designer. I wouldn't be working with Hikaru anymore, since I know his presence would give me more trouble.

So presently, I'm busying myself writing novels and I rarely go out in public. Recently, the city, the crowd, natures and everything else don't interest me and I don't feel like socializing with anyone either. I only send my works through Kyoya. He's the owner anyway and at the same time, my editor.

We're friends, too, and we became closer as the days went by. But that's all there is between us. I can't accept his love for me since it would be unfair on his side. Although, there are times when we are in public and Kyoya would act as if he is my lover. I wish he is though, but we just can't be lovers.

Besides, we like the way we are now. No strings attached.

"I just don't like the effects it has on you, Kaoru."

I stopped typing. "You don't know how much it will affect me if I go and see him. It's better this way."

"Is it really better this way?"

"It is."

"If you say so." I heard him say then in a minute, his arms enveloped around me, brushing his nose against my hair. "Just don't push yourself too much in work. You're actually making that as an excuse so you can forget him for a moment. But if you strain yourself too much, I'll be forced to pull you out from the company."

"I'll have to find another one then." I answered, curving my lips a little.

"That I cannot allow." Behind his words, I felt his smile.

Then, I heard someone stomping thier feet behind the door. I felt nervous for no reasonable reasons. "Are you certain no one has followed you here?" I asked.

"Yes." Then we both looked at the door, baffled at the sudden noise.

"Did you lock the door, Kyoya?"

"Damn no." He answered and before we could even blink our eyes, the door clicked and it swiftly opened.

Then I saw Hikaru standing at the door, our eyes both widening in awe. I think I was hallucinating.

"As I thought, you're here, Kaoru." He said and I realized I wasn't hallucinating. His voice was shaking and I was wondering why. I was shocked. I wasn't expecting him.

"Hika—" he ran into me and I was agape when he hugged me tight, his arms were trembling and his body was shaking terribly. "—ru."

"Kaoru." His voice never stopped shaking and I shivered at his touch.

"Hikaru." I whispered in awe.

I can feel my own chest heaving. Thumping.

"Kaoru…Kaoru….Kaoru…." he kept on muttering my name, his voice was quivering and the feel of his touch on my back almost made me want to cry. "Kaoru…" I was mortified in the way how he softly muttered my name, I wonder if he saw Kyoya behind me.

"Hikaru, what are—"

"Kaoru…" he embraced me tighter. I could feel how afraid he was to let me go. I was…touched. "I've been dying to see you Kaoru!!! One month, one month Kaoru and you didn't come back! I've been…"

"Hikaru…" I said lowly, moving up my arms to curl around his back. I'm full of remorse up until now. I was surprised however, when I noticed that Hikaru has gotten skinner.

"How did…" I paused. That's why I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to see him since I was afraid that every time I did, I wouldn't be able to control my emotions and feelings for him.

Every time I see him, I always have the urge not to let him go and just snatch him away from Haruhi. That's why I'm distancing myself from him, but here he was, he's the one who kept tailing me just because he couldn't set me free as his only beloved twin brother.

"Why are you here, Hikaru?" he shouldn't be here.

He froze.

Then he freed me from his arms, cupping my cheeks as he stared at me in relief mixed with a tad of fear. His hands were hotter than usual. There are even dark bags forming under his eyes… What happened to him?

He leaned in his face closer, then his eyes were suddenly filled with sadness, "Why are you hiding from me, Kaoru?"

"I—I'm not hiding." I said, averting my eyes. But I knew he wouldn't believe me.

"Then please come back to me!" he said, pleading.

"Are you serious? Do you even know what you are asking me to—"

I was stunned when he suddenly kissed me on my lips. My mind wasn't functioning well, but knowing Kyoya was still there behind us, I intentionally pushed Hikaru forward. What's gotten into him?

"What are you doing? Are you drunk or something?!!" I yelled. Hikaru widened his eyes.

"Come back to me, Kaoru! Please come back…" I was terrified when I saw it in my very own eyes, those tears that were flowing down on Hikaru's cheeks. He seemed in hysterical. "Come with me, Kaoru. Please just…stay on my side…"

"What are you saying?" I asked, what's gotten into Hikaru? He doesn't even care about Kyoya, or perhaps, he didn't notice him. And, he should be with Haruhi at this moment, they've just got married!

Then I was glad that Kyoya just remained silent behind us. Or else,

"Are you living with him? Are you living together with Kyoya, huh, Kaoru?" He noticed after all. I don't know how to reply. Or what I'm going to reply.

Then he went to shrugged my shoulders, "Are you two living together, Kaoru? Are you…" I could just say yes and get over it, but why did I answer, "No."?

His lips curved a little more likely a genuine smile.

"I'm glad. Finally I've…found you, Kaoru." I saw his eyes lightened for a moment before he suddenly collapsed on his knees. "Hikaru! Oi, Hikaru!" I screamed as I caught him on my arms.

"I'm sorry about this, Kaoru. This wouldn't have happened if only I'd been careful enough. I didn't notice he was actually following me." Kyoya said as he handed me a clean cloth and a bucket filled with ice-cold water.

"It's okay Kyoya. If he hadn't shown up here then he might've collapsed somewhere else. That would be more terrifying than this." I said, plunging the cloth into the bucket before I twisted it and placed it over Hikaru's burning forehead.

"I haven't contacted Haruhi since their wedding. Well, since I actually thought they're still in honeymoon up until now. That's why I was confident Hikaru couldn't follow me. Besides, I was really busy at work these past few weeks."

"It's my bad. I should have at least given them a call so that they wouldn't worry. Especially Hikaru. But I was scared to even hear his voice." I said as I caressed his warm cheek.

Hikaru has a fever and it's my fault. I didn't think sending him to hospital would do any good, since I know just like me, Hikaru doesn't like the ambience inside the hospital. It makes us sicker.

"How uncool. You always blame yourself."

I was just silent. Then he added, "Well then Kaoru, I think I need to go now. I'm afraid that if stay long, Hikaru's fever will go worsen. He doesn't like me and no doubt about that, if he sees me when he wakes up, who knows what will happens next?" I saw Kyoya's grin as he shrugged his shoulders.

"When he wakes up, I don't know what to do." I answered.

"Kick him on his butt if you want to." Kyoya suggested as he opened the door. "Then call Haruhi so she'll pick him up."

"I'll do the last part."

He glanced at me, pushing up his glasses, "You're abnormally kind."

"Thanks." I smiled and he laughed.

"Good luck then." He said, then he was gone. I sighed.

Now what should I do?

Hikaru might have been following Kyoya when he had his opportunity. He knew that Kyoya knows where I am, that's why he followed him. Now, Hikaru already knows where I'm staying. What should I do?

But before that, why? Why was he here? He should be with Haruhi and as far as I know, they are in Boston for their honeymoon. This had disturbed me a lot, I better call Haruhi.

I fumbled for my phone inside my pocket, then I dialed Haruhi's number. They didn't know mine since I changed my number, but I have their number saved on my phone.

"Hello?" I heard Haruhi say on the other line, her voice sounded troubled.

"Haruhi, this is Kaoru."

"Kaoru? Oh God, Kaoru! Is that really you Kaoru?"

"Yes. Sorry I didn't call ever since I left the hospital. Where are you now?"

"At home, Kaoru, I need to tell you something." At home, I think she means their new home. Well, of course.

"Ah, I should ask you first, did you kn—"

"Kaoru listen! Hikaru's been missing ever since you're gone!"

.

.

.

WHAT? I was stupefied.

"We've been searching for both of you but we couldn't find you guys. Then someone saw him and said he was looking for you. I'm terribly worried now. He only texted me but it's not enough. You changed your number, didn't you? I couldn't contact you and thank God, you finally called now!"

I looked at Hikaru who was currently sleeping on my bed, I was appalled. I didn't know that he's been searching for me ever since I was gone. Then that means…he was gone right after his wedding day? A month ago? He couldn't really do such a thing, could he? And to tell that it was their wedding day…

I felt my hands shuddering as I held the phone. "Kaoru, are you still there?"

"Ah, yeah." my voice trembles.

"Come back, please, Kaoru. If you return back to the mansion, Hikaru would come back, too!"

"I—I'll see what I can do, Haruhi. But I won't be coming back. I'm living on my own now. And…" I sat beside Hikaru on the bed, caressing his ruffled damp hair. I hated myself more for causing trouble to Hikaru, I felt so much guilt. Why do I have to feel this way?! "Does Mom and Dad know about this?"

"No. I didn't tell them that Hikaru left that night. Besides, they flew back to New York after knowing that you were fine at the hospital. They said it was urgent."

"Why didn't you tell them about Hikaru?"

"It would cause trouble and complicate things more, so I kept it to myself. Honey and Mori are helping on the search, too."

Cause trouble? What does she mean about that?

"What worried me more is that your Mom is coming back to Japan, probably next week, to check and to see you. And if she finds out that you are gone, as well as Hikaru, things will get more complicated! And I don't know how to explain it to her if she finds out that..."

"That what?"

Then she went silent for a moment. "That you two are missing, that is."

I have this feeling that Haruhi was hiding something from me. What could it be?

"Kaoru," she snapped, "What is it you wanted to ask or tell me? Perhaps it's about Hikaru."

I glanced at Hikaru, then said, "I just wanted to ask if he's fine." What am I saying?

"And to ask how you two are doing in your new life. But I'm surprised to know that he is missing." I added.

What am I doing? I could just tell her that Hikaru's with me. That's the reason why I called Haruhi in the first place, right? To tell that Hikaru's with me, that he has found me, seriously though, what am I doing?

"I'm really sorry about this Kaoru. I know it shocked you, especially since we've just got married. But believe me, I understand Hikaru's feelings. When you were gone at the hospital, Hikaru was totally freaking out. So he went to find you, then he never came back."

"No, I must the one to say sorry. Don't worry, I'll find Hikaru myself. I'll bring him back to you."

"Thanks, Kaoru."

"It's okay."

"Hope you're doing fine. And please, come back home before your mother arrives."

"I'll try." I replied then she said goodbye. I placed my phone on the table before I returned back to look at Hikaru.

I leaned in closer to him, anxiety and confusion mixing together inside me. Then I caressed his cheek before I chastely kissed him on his lips. I pressed my forehead against his, then said as if he could hear my voice, "What have you done, Hikaru?"

He flinched but I was glad he wasn't waking up.

"What have you done? How could you leave Haruhi like that on your wedding night, huh, Hikaru? Seriously, what were you thinking?"

Then I shifted myself beside him. I laid down beside him as I wrapped him within my arms. Hugging him closer and tighter, nuzzling my nose on his feverish chest as I whispered,

"You should never do this again, Hikaru."


	14. Chapter 14

Ah finally, the sweetness is here. Hope you like it. Thanks as always to my beta **NefertariNami**!!! Thanks for everyone who reviewed!!!

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**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter Fourteen

* * *

I opened my eyes and a pair of familiar cerise orbs was actually amorously staring down at me. Too close. I blinked a few times before I promptly sat up, and exclaimed, "Hikaru!" He's been staring and watching me for a long time I presume. How could I sleep deeply while Hikaru's has a fever!!!

He jerked when I placed my hand above his forehead. "How are you feeling now?"

My worries and fear lessened when I noticed he wasn't burning anymore. "I'm so glad your fever subsided. Ah! Do you want to eat something? We need to fill your stomach before you drink your medicine."

"Kaoru," he grabbed my hand and I was startled when he brought it to rest on his cheek. I blushed unconsciously when he rubbed my hand against his warm cheek, "I missed you so much."

Eh?

"I miss this hand. I miss your warmth. I miss everything about you, Kaoru."

Shouldn't he stop saying things? My heart was thumping again.

"Why were you hiding from me, Kaoru?" He kissed the back of my hand but his eyes were giving me intent looks. But this time, there was this sad look that flashed in his eyes.

"Ee…wait here, I'll get medicine." I stuttered as I tried to pull my hand away from his. I'm not going to answer him. What would I answer—that I'm trying to distance myself from him because I'm madly in love with him?

"I'm not sick, Kaoru."

"You were." I stood up but he pulled me onto his lap.

"Stay here. I'm not going to lose you from my sight anymore, not even a second. I won't let you escape, Kaoru." He said and I was dazed when he curled his arms around my waist. He's making me feel awkward and he doesn't know a thing about how I feel!!!

"You don't know how terrible it was when you left like that. How could you do that- just leave me alone?"

"I—I want to live on my own now. Besides, I'll be getting in the way between you and Haruhi. It's uncomfortable to live under the same roof- you are a married man now, Hikaru."

Why the hell am I saying this? In other words, I don't need to explain it to him. Why would I? He doesn't understand anything I say nor feel anyway.

"You can't. I told you didn't I? I won't let you escape out of my sight." He said as he turned me around, and I gasped for an air when he suddenly pinned me down on my bed.

"Stop forcing me to stay with you. You know I can't. So let me go, Hikaru. Before I forget that you're sick."

"You don't understand everything that I've done, do you?" his eyes were suddenly narrowing, but it was melting me, if only he knew.

"How am I supposed to understand you, when you yourself don't want to understand me?" I answered him back; struggling from his grip that was forgotten for the moment.

"And who told you that I don't?"

"No one told me. But someone is showing it to me,"

"Why are you doing this to me, Kaoru? I only want us to stay together, as long as we live. But why are you distancing from me? Why can you not understand?"

"Ask yourself, brother." I said, averting my eyes since he wasn't planning to do it himself.

"You keep saying I don't understand you but actually though, you are the one who doesn't understand me, Kaoru. You don't even know how hard it was for me."

"Get off." I uttered, turning my face on the left, afraid to look at his face that was suddenly turning poignant and gloomy.

"That's it. I'll make you understand me now." He said and I jerked when he ripped my shirt off without warning.

"I said get off!" I raised my voice, trembling and at the same time, confused. Why is he acting this way? I was dead worried about his health but this was how he treated me?

"You don't understand me, was your excuse. You don't know how painful it was for me for all these years. Now, I'll make you understand the "me" that I've been hiding and restraining for the past few years." He has me now under his control, and suddenly my shirt was completely torn apart. Why do I feel a sudden fear underneath him? Fear…I don't know to whom I was afraid. But I'm certain, it's not Hikaru, but at the thought of me being held by him, the thought that I'm going to make him a sinner. Because he doesn't know what he's doing…does he?

"Now that I've found you, there's no way I'm going to let you go." He said and I felt his fingers lingering on my bare chest. I closed my eyes as I flinched at his touch. "One month…one and a half month of not seeing you, of not having you by my side, made my world so miserable and worthless, Kaoru."

"Don't be stubborn, Hikaru. Don't you know how worried Haruhi was after you suddenly left? You left on your first night of being a couple, damn it! What kind of insanity has invaded your mind?" I yelled, raising my voice as I tried to fight off the intense feelings his fumbling fingers were giving to me.

"I left to find you!"

"You don't need to find me. I'm obviously fine! Just go back to Haruhi!"

"No! Haruhi understands." he said and I was feeling more tense when his mouth went and played with my right nipple. Oh god, if this continues, I don't know what to do anymore.

"What are you, haa…~" God, damn it. I arched my back when Hikaru licked my nipple before he lasciviously sucked it fully. His hand was restraining my own, while the free one was slowly tugging my pants down. Damn it. "—saying?"

I'm going to give in by his touch. Oh god, I'm becoming so hard.

He grabbed my erect member and rubbed it with his warm hands and ohhh, why do I feel so weak by his touch?

"I was saying that…" I saw him licked his own lips, making them wet before he kissed me. His tongue was impatiently seeking for an entrance and I groaned when I actually opened up my yearning mouth just for him to enter. I moaned when our tongues collided, I felt a burning sensation inside me and a weird feeling was overpowering my stomach. "I fucking want you… I want you so bad, Kaoru."

"HAa~! Stop this now…Hika—ru,"

Stop saying such weird things, stop saying lies to me…or else, I might….might take your words and stupidly believe your impossible words.

"What I say is true, Kaoru." He came to whisper in my ears and I nervously jolted. I twitched my legs together when he kept rubbing me, his hands were between my legs and I couldn't stop myself. I want him, too. I want nothing and no one but Hikaru.

But why…why was he saying that he wanted me, too? Could I be possibly just…dreaming?

"I only want you. I want nothing and no one but you, Kaoru." He said and kissed me again. This time, his kiss was wet and messy. And I hate myself for not resisting although I know it's undoubtedly wrong. Oh God, forgive me for loving my brother so much. I could commit the greatest sin but not for Hikaru, I don't want him to commit a sin…oh god, what should I do?

It's wrong. "Haruhi…go back to—her." I said against his kissing lips.

But he wasn't listening to me!

"You're so hard, Kaoru. You want me, right?" he said, teasing me as he poked the tip of my cock. I moaned and he took it as a 'yes'. I'm going to lose my mind. My body and feelings and thoughts were contradicting each other.

"I'm not going to hold back any longer. I want you more, Kaoru." He said and I was surprised when he wore off his shirt, revealing his fair toned skin, his delicate neck and collarbone, his six-pack abs, his perfectly bare chest and pert nipples. Oh god, Hikaru is the most beautiful man that has ever lived in our time!

But Hikaru, I wonder, why did he lose so much weight? He looks skinner than before. But muscular.

He took his belt and started unbuckling it, tugging his pants down then his boxer shorts, then in a moment his perfectly stiff and erected manhood was unveiled to me. I widened my eyes in awe and I could feel my own cheeks warming. I've seen him undressing many times, but this time it was completely different. I couldn't take off my eyes from him.

I groaned as my eyes trailed down to his manhood. Hikaru was bigger than I'd thought, and it's been ten years since I last saw his completely naked body. And now, he gets bigger. It would be impossible for me to take that inside. Fuck. Oh god, what am I suddenly thinking?

I blushed even more when I noticed that Hikaru was staring at me with those lustful and longing eyes. In his eyes, I saw nothing but lust, adoration, yearning and love? I shook my head as I pushed forward to sit up. But he pushed me down again, straddling me as he leaned closer, our hard cocks were rubbing together and I couldn't take it any longer. I wanted to scream in pleasure and joy.

"You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen, Kaoru. No one could ever compare to you. And I won't allow anyone else to see you like this, and only me, your brother, could touch you this way." He whispered amorously as his fingers were now exploring my naked body, up to my nipples. He pinched them.

"Haa…aagh!" I mewled, pushing my body forward to his as I felt so many intense emotions. I'm not going to make it, control it—I'm burning inside! My body is so hot. But Hikaru, he was hotter than me! Oh god, I couldn't breathe thoroughly.

Hikaru's making me losing my coherent mind.

My heart was thumping so fast.

My insides were shaking.

My body was yearning for Hikaru. And he could feel it, too. Damn, I'm ruined. What shall I do? I couldn't think logically and coherently anymore. Just having him rubbing our cocks together, grinding our hips together while his fingers played around, makes me want to come already.

"You want me so bad, you're having your pre-cum already, Kaoru. But I could make you look dirtier." He licked my earlobe and I moaned, biting my knuckles. Oh god. Stop talking dirty Hikaru.

"Stop, please." I gasped, but he intentionally never listens to me. I was even shocked when Hikaru grabbed both my legs and spread it at once, my hardened member was standing up rigidly. It trembled while my pre-cum slowly leaked out of the slit.

"You look so sexy and hot, Kaoru. Your ass is already saying hello to me, uhn~…" he said, moaning as he felt excited and aroused just by staring down at me. This isn't Hikaru at all.

"Aah!" I whimpered as I suddenly felt his warm tongue expertly licking my hardened manhood. "Haa…no, uhn!" I tossed my head right to left as I clutched the mattress when Hikaru started sucking me, up and down then in a faster manner.

"Haa, stop, no, uhnn…please—Hikaru!" As I thought, I'm already losing my mind. Fucking moaning like this, so embarrassing but it feels fucking good. I can't remember when, why, and how we've ended up like this.

"Mnnm." He moaned as he bobbed me faster and I arched my back at the sudden vibration. Hikaru's tongue, his burning mouth and tongue feels so good on my cock.

"Kaoru…" I heard him say between his own pants and I unconsciously widened my legs even more. No, I actually love this. I panted as I grabbed my hips and helped myself to spread my legs further, so Hikaru could have a full and complete access to me. I don't even have the slightest shame when I did this. God, I just want him so bad. I'm losing my mind so it doesn't matter now. Fuck.

He sucked me more and his tongue played the slit of my cock, and then licking my own pre-cum. I could feel Hikaru's teeth almost raking on the head and I moaned as I tossed my head once again. "Hikaru….haa."

I freed my hands from my hips so I could be clutching Hikaru's hair. "Ahh, Hikaru." I pushed his face on my cock, and I seriously want him to gag as I constantly moaning his beautiful name. "Hikaru…"

Hikaru grabbed my legs and put them onto his shoulders, he stared up at me so lustfully before he started sticking out his tongue to lick my hole. Oh god. He licked my hole and I shivered, gripping his hair even more. I felt his _wet_ tongue slipped inside and I quivered, "Haa…ahh! Hikaru…ahh!" My tears were starting to drift, no, it was tears of joy and pleasure. Pure pleasure.

Hikaru is my only pleasure. Oh god. I couldn't think clearly.

"More…oh god, more…" then I found myself completely lost in ecstasy as I begged him to do more for me. More and more. I wasn't been injected with aphrodisiac but I felt like I was under that drug. Damn, what's happening to me?

"Kaoru…" he moaned and I groaned. He went up to kiss me and I welcomed him with an open mouth, his hands were not leaving my cock, "Stick your tongue out, Kaoru, so I could suck it for you."

"MNmn." I replied and obeyed as to what he wanted me to do. I stuck out my saliva coated tongue and Hikaru sucked it. I moaned. "So good…haa." I moaned against his lips.

Hikaru went wild and clutched my hair, pushing me closer to his face, his other hand went to grab my cheek and then in the next minute we were kissing wild and dirty. We both panted and I gasped when I felt his hot breath on my face. I stared at him with a face that looked so aroused and horny, my eyes were half lidded and my mouth was still half open, waiting for him to kiss me more.

"You're so cute, Kaoru." He chuckled then he went to kiss me again, grinding his hips against mine. I moaned so lewdly.

"Hikaru…" I gasped, panting so erotically. I felt his saliva trickling down to my own, then I took the initiative and pushed my tongue inside his wet cavern, getting the chance to explore him. He moaned and I took the chance to play with his tongue, then I sucked it wet.

"UHn," he mewled.

"Hikaru…" I uttered very low, my voice trembled in intense pleasure.

"What is it, Kaoru? You want something?" he teasingly answered, then he went to lick my chin up to my nose. I twitched my legs.

"Uhhn…please, haa…" what the hell am I saying? I'm actually the one who's seducing him! "Stop." I added instead, panting as I closed my eyes.

"I bet what you mean is, start." He said and I could feel my own cheeks becoming warm even more. Hikaru pinched both of my nipples as he said, "You're so cute like this, Kaoru." I moaned, "That's right. Just moan like that while I pleasure you. I love your voice when you moan, Kaoru."

"UHn…aah!" I gritted my teeth when Hikaru bite my right nipple.

"Moan for me. Don't stop moaning, Kaoru." Oh god, Hikaru's making me crazy, I couldn't stop myself, he could make me moan all over again. I widened my legs more and I felt his huge erection pressing against my own.

I couldn't be stopped. He couldn't be stopped. Oh god, if it's like this, then we're going all the way.

"I want you, Kaoru." He said and I could hear my own heart which was thumping faster every second, my face was all red when Hikaru positioned himself between my opened legs. "Do you want me, too?"

"Yes," I answered without doubts and hesitations, I saw him grinning and I was turned on even more.

"Hold my arms, Kaoru. This might hurt you for awhile, but please bear with me." I complied with him, grasping his arms as I felt utterly nervous and scared. But I've been waiting for this for a long time, and I've been wanting this beyond anything else. All I've ever wanted is to become one with my beloved Hikaru. Be connected with him.

"Oh my, we don't have lube." I was disappointed when Hikaru shifted over me, he reversed his position so I could be facing his perfectly erect manhood, almost saying hi to my panting mouth. "Lick it, Kaoru. Suck me and make it totally wet. You should make it real wet since I'm going to put it in. Let's make your saliva use as a lubricant."

Hikaru sure loves talking dirty talk!

But he's right, we don't have any lubricant along with us now, and I absolutely don't want to stop this just because of the lack of lubricant!

"Mnm." I replied, moaning as I grabbed his cock and took it inside my wet mouth. Hikaru moaned and I almost gagged when he pushed down to me. His cock was big and I was afraid I couldn't take it wholly.

"Mnm~" I groaned against his throbbing cock when I felt a finger sliding inside my ass, I know its Hikaru's finger, preparing me. But damn, it fucking twitched and hurt. But I ignored the slight pain and just continued licking on his cock. I licked it wet and made my saliva coat him, then I moaned at my own oral fixation.

"Ahh~!" I went to gasp an air when I felt another finger sliding in, oh god.

"Kaoru, you have a very tight hole. If I don't prepare you like this, I'm afraid you can't take me in." he said then another finger went in, stretching me inside, preparing me. I gagged at his cock and my back was arching when I felt four fingers sliding in and out at my bottom. Oh god, I could feel his long fingers inside me. It sure aches a bit.

But damn. It was all giving me pleasure, so good, good enough for me to explode in any minute. Is Hikaru…feeling good, also?

"I guess you're ready now." He said then he shifted again, and I missed his cock in my mouth already. Damn, I'm fucking turning into a cock-addict.

Hikaru positioned between my legs and I saw him chuckling, "You did a good job in lubricating my cock, Kaoru. Now, allow me please to do the rest." He said and I trembled when I felt the head of his huge cock against my hole, but I was then reassured when Hikaru took my right hand and entwined it to his, "You're trembling, Kaoru. Just please look at me, I don't want you to be scared."

I just nodded shamelessly although my whole body was quivering in nervousness. This was my first time in doing it, with a man—my own brother you may add! Although I know it's wrong, and that behind my mind it was saying to stop right now, yet, my body wasn't agreeing to it. My body was being so honest. I couldn't say no. I couldn't say stop. Yet what I'm saying was, "Please, Hikaru. I want you now."

I'm so madly in love with Hikaru that I could even forget that we're brothers. But when I look up at him, matching his own staring and lustful eyes, I saw myself. Then I utter within, no matter what and no matter where you look at it, Hikaru and I are still brothers by blood. Oh god, that fact was the big hindrance why I couldn't tell him how much I love him, not as his younger brother.

I stared at him and he stared at me with a pack of concern in his eyes. But besides that, I could see how much Hikaru wants me, and perhaps, he might love me too. I smiled bitterly at the last thought, then I jerked when I suddenly felt Hikaru's cock going slowly inside me.

"Aaahhhhh!!" I shouted, pain struck me through then I felt Hikaru's hand gently intertwining and clutching my left hand, he was trying to give me reassurance. He didn't fail but it still hurt. He kissed me on the lips before he gently slid in again, I could feel almost half of his cock inside and I shivered as I shifted to a more comfortable position.

"Aah…it hurts, Hikaru!" I said, gasping as I arched my back. He was really big that although he wasn't fully inside me yet, I felt like he was already tearing me apart.

"Sshh…it will not hurt soon Kaoru. You'll feel better, just relax, my love." He went to kiss me before I stunned by his words. He said _my love_. What a wonderful word coming from Hikaru's mouth. Just that alone could make my pain go away. Ah, I'm pathetically in love with him.

Hikaru thrust in carefully, and I moaned partly in pain, "Aah. Ahh.. Aah!"

Then in a second he was inside me completely, I felt like I was being torn apart but if it's Hikaru, then it's totally okay. "Relax, Kaoru. Just tell me if it still hurts, I'll go slowly."

I tried to relax then Hikaru started his rhythm, he pulled out then he slowly slid in again, as I was constantly moaning in pain—still unable to adjust to his size.

"Ah..Ah! Ah….aaah!" I moaned, but this time it wasn't because of pain anymore. Hikaru slid inside carefully and slowly, but he slammed my prostrate so that I was now shouting in pleasure. "Ahh, Hikaru!"

"Kaoru…" he uttered then he slammed inside me. Hitting my pleasure center.

I clutched the mattress as I tossed my head, "More, Hikaru…Hit that again!"

"You're so tight, Kaoru, but you are actually sucking me in. So good," he pulled out then added, "Can I go faster now?"

I nodded my head. "I won't be able to hold back, Kaoru." He said before he slammed all at once inside me. I shouted in pleasure. Moaning his name.

He kept on thrusting inside, faster and faster until we were both rocking wildly above the bed. Hikaru's hitting my prostrate repeatedly and I was writhing underneath him, constantly moaning and calling his name. "Ah, ah….unh! Hikaru! UHhn.."

"More Hikaru!"

"UHn, Kaoru."

"Haa…deeper."

"So good…"

"Haa, ah! Please, faster Hikaru!"

"Uhn."

"Oh god! Haa.."

"I love you, Kaoru."

"Ha…." Eh? What was that he said?

But I was cut off when Hikaru slammed inside, hitting me deeper and harder, and I moaned at the sudden hard intrusion.

"Kaoru!" he groaned, and I could feel that Hikaru's going to give in, he's going to release, and so was I.

"Hikaru!" I groaned in return, arching my back as I felt my own seed spurting out, my own juices came to spread all over my chest and Hikaru. And I was satisfied when I felt Hikaru's lovely juices inside me, filling me in and I moaned at the satisfaction.

Hikaru fell onto me, tired but satisfied. He hugged me close but I was actually blushing when he didn't pull his cock out from inside me. I am still full of Hikaru and I'm not going to complain. I love it this way.

"I love you so much, my love for you is priceless, remember that, Kaoru." He suddenly said and I was speechless.

He licked my earlobe before he whispered, "I love you, I love you…I love you, Kaoru. I love you so much you just didn't notice it. You didn't notice it since I wasn't showing it, since I'm just so scared to lose you. But I would do anything just for you, Kaoru. I won't allow anyone to separate us. I won't let them."

I curled my arms around his back, then I said as I closed my eyes, "You're saying such weird things, Hikaru. Shouldn't you be in love with Haruhi?"

"Don't bring her up. But sooner, Kaoru, I'll let you know everything. If everything's settled down, I promise you, you'll understand. We'll be together forever, I promise you." He said and his voice trembled as he embraced me tighter. I suddenly felt nervous and at the same time, confused. His words, and the way he said it, it's exactly the same way he sounded eighteen years ago, when we made our little promise to stay together. Hikaru's voice sounded so painful, sad and most of all, frightened.

Why Hikaru?

"Remember this night, Kaoru." Were his last words before he fall to sleep. Then I closed my eyes as I started to doze off. Pulling out from me was completely forgotten.

I looked at Hikaru who was still sleeping in my bed. And this was the first time since many years when I saw his smile while he was asleep. I sighed as I achingly stood up to grab for my scattered clothes. I still couldn't believe that Hikaru and I had sex.

We had sex.

Good gods. I'm a complete sinner and I made my older brother commit the greatest sin, as well. What could be worse than this? Although I didn't have any remorse nor regret what happened last night, I just couldn't grab that mistake and totally destroyed Hikaru's life with Haruhi. It's all wrong. What happened was a mistake. Although I didn't regret it.

But a mistake is still a mistake.

And a mistake shouldn't be tolerated.

I put on my clothes then I fumbled my phone inside the pocket, then I dialed Haruhi's number as I groped my aching bottom.

"Haruhi?"

"Kaoru?" she answered, worry was still attached to her voice.

"I've got good news."

"Yes, what is it? Is it about Hikaru?"

"Yes. Actually though, I found him. But he's currently sleeping."

"Oh my god! That's more than good news! How did you find him?"

_Truth is, I didn't find him, he found me._

"I just." I sighed as I glanced at Hikaru. "Haruhi? Can I ask a favor?"

I asked her a favor then she willingly accepts. Well, of course, what else do you expect from a wife?

"I'm going there as soon as possible!" she said.

"Yeah." _I'm afraid that I'm not going to wait for you. I need to go now before Hikaru wakes up._

I ended the conversation then I went to kiss Hikaru on his lips for the last time. I smiled bitterly. Even if we love each other, just in case we both feel the same way, it wouldn't change a thing—would it? Hikaru's married to Haruhi already. Besides, Hikaru is my older brother. There's no way we can be together as lovers. That's why, forgive me Hikaru, for breaking our promise. Anyway so, you were the one who first broke out promise, right Hikaru? That's why…

I kissed him goodbye.

* * *

Such a wonderful chapter but the ending was quite sad, ahh…I cannot defy the angst…


	15. Chapter 15

Thanks a lot to my reviewers! You guys keep motivating me more! And a lot of thanks and gratitude to my beta-**NefertariNami!**

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**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter Fifteen

* * *

I knocked three times before he finally opened the door. Well, I used my foot and it was difficult. Kyoya seemed shocked when he looked at me, standing in front of him with a huge suitcase at my left side, while my two arms were loaded with lots of books and folders.

Behind me was a big box where my drafts, unfinished novels, short unpublished stories and other papers were stocked inside. I undoubtedly looked like an idiot, and everyone would think I ws an amateur writer who was stupidly kicked out from the company just because of his inconsistent and irregular writing skills.

I curved my lips to form a weary smile, my glasses fell onto my nose, then Kyoya shook his head as he sighed. "What are you up to this time, Younger Hitachiin?"

"Morning, Kyoya! Before anything else, don't you think I need some help here?" I said as I offered the books in my hands. He gladly took them and I painstakingly shook my arms to bring them back to life from the numbness.

Kyoya opened the door wide enough for me to enter, then he went and placed the books on his messy table before he came back to lift up the box behind me. "Don't tell me you were kicked out from that condo? If not, what's with this sudden transfer of things into my house? And early in this morning?"

"I can't answer two questions at a time, Kyoya. But for now, can you please adopt me for the moment? Just for now until I find another place to move in." I said while putting down some of my things onto his floor in a corner. But I paused for a moment when I felt pain on my bottom. It still hurts. Geez. I'm afraid to say I couldn't move freely.

"Something happened?" He asked and I was startled. Should I tell him?

"Of course yes, that's why I'm here. The new neighbor was too noisy and I couldn't concentrate on my work."

Kyoya slapped my bottom and I almost jumped in surprise. Well actually… I did. "I meant this. Come on Kaoru, I could tell just the way you walked. Ah, let me guess, Hikaru did something with you when he woke up and since you love him you didn't resist? Then after realizing it was a mistake you left before he woke up?

I was dumbstruck. Wordless. So Kyoya was really keen enough to notice it. He's one of a kind, isn't he?

"Oh? Am I wrong?" He cupped my chin and my face flushed vibrant red when I met his scrutinizing dark eyes.

My voice sounded so hesitant when I answered, "Your assumptions are correct."

His shoulders dropped down and his jaw was clenched, "If I knew this would happen then I wouldn't have left you alone, damn it. I was confident that Hikaru wouldn't force you. But he's damn obsessive!"

"No, he didn't force me, Kyoya. I did it with my own free will." I explained while shaking my head, clutching my throbbing chest.

"My heart is aching, but it can't be helped." I saw him sigh then he ruffled my hair, "I wouldn't say what you did was wrong, but the blame is on Hikaru. I couldn't believe he did that to you. He's married to Haruhi and yet, this is the way he acts and behaves? He's the cruelest brother I have ever met."

"Don't say that, Kyoya."

"And you still pity him? Don't cover up his mistakes, Kaoru. He's grown up always believing you are his possession."

"I am, indeed." I replied, turning away to unpacked my things. "I am his possession, Kyoya."

"My goodness, Kaoru. I hate this part of you," he curled his arms around me, tightening as he didn't want to let me go, "What are you going to do now? That happened, but, in the end, you're the one who runs away. Does it mean that you aren't going to let him know your feelings and just move on?"

"Yeah," I answered gloomily. "Last night was just a dream, a dream that could never happen again."

He smelled my hair and I closed my eyes, "Then why don't you move in here?"

"Absolutely. I'm already here."

"I mean, move in permanently."

What he said made me blink for a few times, "Let's live together now, Kaoru. I don't care if I wasn't your first time, I don't care if you can't love me the way I want you to, but I won't just simply sit down and observe how Hikaru's making your life so miserable. I can wait till you'll learn to love me."

"Kyoya, I…"

"Kaoru…let's live together."

"But, Kyoya,"

"Let's start a new life," his embrace tightened even more, "without Hikaru."

I shivered.

"To wait for me is like waiting the endless forever, Kyoya." I felt so sad every time Kyoya said he could wait for me. I felt so guilty every time Kyoya shows his love and deep concern to me. Since I know, and he knows it very well, that I couldn't love him the way he loves me.

Life and love are very complicated. Sometimes I start believing, love is being unfair, indeed it is. When you love someone, you can't have him. Then when someone loves you, you can't love him. What the hell. What the hell was wrong in being in love?

Was it wrong to love the wrong person? After all these years, I've come to deduced that, I hate this one word—Wrong.

"It doesn't matter. Kaoru," he whispered lowly, "Even if I have to wait forever, and if it's the only way I can have you, then it's okay."

I smiled inside then I grasped his arms, "You're just like me, Kyoya. Always enduring the pain, giving all the love and heart to the person you love without the certainties that you'll be love in return. Don't you think we make the best pair?"

He laughed. "Actually though, that's what I'm trying to imply. We make the best pair. So I guess, it's a yes?"

I pulled away from his arms, "Well, first thing's first. I have to move in here and we'll have to see if we are compatible living together without creating a chaos and fight."

"Ugh. You can just say no if you're still hesitant, Kaoru. No need to leave me hanging," he grinned although pain infiltrated his eyes.

"Who's the one who said he can wait?"

"Ah, you win." He shrugged his shoulders then we both laughed.

"But its official now. We're lovers, are we not?"

"Call it whatever you want, _Kyo-kun_." I smiled at him, winking. I saw him blush for the very first time. And he was cute. Very cute.

"Have yourself a break, Kaoru. You've just moved in, at least rest a bit."

"I don't have much time left. I need to pass it tomorrow. As my editor, you should be the one to know it first, at least worry a bit."

"Well, I own the company. I can give you a break whenever I want,"

"Since you're the owner, it doesn't mean I have to relax all the time. My readers will hunt me down if I suddenly went on hiatus."

"Tell them you're having your honeymoon."

"As if it'll work." I said and he just chuckled.

"By the way, the host club's reunion will be next week. Since you have me at your side, you'll definitely attend, right?"

"You're so full of yourself, Kyoya. Well, convince me to attend."

"Of course you will, since if not, I'm certain that Tamaki would eventually feel sad since one of his sons is absent. Rather than that, it's a request from a lover."

I turned to look at him, "Well then, I'll go."

"You make me happy because of that."

"OH, my pleasure." I winked. Then I was surprised when my phone suddenly rang. "Kaoru speaking, who's this?"

"Kaoru! It's Haruhi! Oh god Kaoru, why do you always change your number when it's urgent!"

I was petrified. I glanced at Kyoya then he wrinkled his brows.

"Haruhi? What a surprise," Kyoya furrowed his brows even more.

"How can you be so cheerful when you just vanish so suddenly? Are you intentionally hiding from us, Kaoru? Where are you anyway? You need to come back!"

"I'm on vacation."

"That's insane! Hikaru's in a hospital right now, he was hit by a car! He's in critical condition Kaoru…" I heard Haruhi's cry and I was terrified.

I felt like someone stabbed my already aching heart. My whole body was shaking terribly the moment Haruhi mentioned Hikaru's shocking accident. Hikaru's hit by a car, currently in a hospital—what kind of misery and disaster could be worse than hearing this?

"Hikaru? Oh God, which hospital is he at?" I yelled at the phone. I was already hysterical as I looked at Kyoya who was now standing, curious at the moment. "Okay, I'm going there immediately!"

"What was it, Kaoru?"

"Hikaru's in a hospital! I need to go there now!" I answered as I quickly grabbed my coat from the hamper.

Kyoya grabbed my quivering hands, and I thought for the moment that he was going to stop me. I know he's afraid to let me go alone since he knows I'm in love with Hikaru.

I saw hesitation in his eyes, but deep concern towards Hikaru was far beyond obvious, "I'll go with you."

But Kyoya Ootori is Kyoya after all. A long time friend of Hikaru as well… Even if he won't admit it.

"Hikaru!" I screamed as I banged the door open. Haruhi was sitting beside his bed and she was crying, her tears were falling nonstop and I was about to cry myself.

"Please minimize your voice, sir." I heard one of the nurse's say but I disregarded her. I was shouting Hikaru's name as I nervously walked towards him. I saw Hikaru lying unconscious at the white bed with a face mask attached in which I knew his life depended on it as he was just breathing through his mouth.

My tears were dropping as I saw his bare chest with lots of colorful cords and other machine wires attached on him, and his left arm and belly was in bandags—indicating that he'd just gone through on a surgical operation. His head was covered in bandags, too. My chest was heaving when I noticed his right eye was covered in white cloth and was tinted with red, fresh blood.

His left leg was seemingly broken and it was in a plaster cast. Hikaru was wounded all over. I cried my heart out. I went limp as I fell onto my knees beside his bed, "Hikaru? Hikaru! Why…why must this happen to you?"

"Kaoru…" Haruhi stammered then she paused only to cry.

"What happened to him, Haruhi?" Kyoya asked, his voice was trembling a bit- shocked at the current condition of my brother.

Haruhi burst into tears before she replied, "He was hit by a car. He…he was so desperate to find Kaoru. He was so dejected when he noticed that Kaoru was gone when he woke up. He didn't notice the car coming when he crossed the street," then she cried again.

I was more than petrified. I clenched my fists together, and I wanted to stab myself right now, "I caused this to Hikaru. Oh god, what have I done?" I cried and my sobs were even louder than Haruhi's, "Hikaru…"

Kyoya patted my back, "Fix yourself, Kaoru. No one is to blame here. It was an accident."

"It wouldn't happen if it wasn't because of me! Kyoya, I…I'm gonna kill myself if Hikaru dies!" I yelled hysterically.

"The patient isn't dying, sir." The on-duty nurse confirmed. "But I'm afraid to say he's in a coma."

"Oh God!" I bit my knuckles while Kyoya helped me to stand up straight. Haruhi was sobbing unstoppably. "Where's the doctor? What the hell is he doing? I want to talk to him!"

"He was here a moment ago. He left to help another critical surgery in the other hospital, sir."

"Where are the others?" I shouted.

"We only have one doctor specialized in internal surgery at the moment, sir. Besides, the patient is declared being in comatose already. We need to wait for him to regain his consciousness before proceeding to another analysis and other diagnostic examination."

"How long?" Now it was Kyoya who asked.

"If the patient will not make any response or consciousness after one month, then the patient must have been—"

"How long will he be unconscious?" I asked impatiently.

"One year, as the doctor has concluded base on his condition. That's the longest period."

"One year? Oh god, Hikaru." I cried even more, clutching Kyoya's shirt as it was my source of strength to hold my sagging body.

"I'm sorry sir, but as the patient's relative, you need to know. If after one year he isn't be able to wake up, it only means he will remain unconscious forever."

"Oh God, Hikaru!" I whimpered before I collapsed onto the floor.

* * *

"Kaoru," Haruhi's voice was cheerless then I looked at her baffled when she handed me a blue notebook, "He wanted me to give this to you just in case something happened to him."

Idiot Hikaru. Why would you predict something like this to you? Look at what happened now…

I took the notebook and I was surprised when it looked almost similar to mine. "What's this?"

"Hikaru's diary."

I was shocked. My chest ached for a moment and my tears were falling as I held the notebook in my chest. "His diary…huh?"

She stood up and went to the room's window, she was looking up to nowhere before she said, "Hikaru loves you so much, Kaoru. Sometimes I wondered, why he wouldn't just tell you right away? But as the days went by, and when I knew it myself, I've come to understand Hikaru's reasons why he needed to keep it from you."

I was startled by her words. But I remained silent since I didn't know what Haruhi was trying to imply. I just looked at Hikaru on the bed as I took his cold hand, intertwining it to mine. Oh how I wanted to feel Hikaru's warm hands again…

"He loves you more than anyone else on this world," she said and her tone sounded so sincere, "And I must say, he's madly in love with you."

I was stunned at my seat. "In love? He's in love with you."

She turned to look at me, her hands were behind her back, "No he's not."

"He married you. You're his wife. Shouldn't you stop saying things like this to me?"

"Our marriage was fake, Kaoru."

I was agape, shocked. My hands were trembling as I held Hikaru's hand tighter, "What are you saying?"

"The wedding and our relationship was all an act, a pretense, Kaoru. He's planning to tell this to you when things got better, but ever since you left the mansion, Hikaru thought you disliked the fact you're with him. He was always afraid and hesitant to tell you this."

My chest ached even more. What's this all about? "What's the pretense all about? Why did he have to do that? And you, how can you tolerate this and let him manipulate your own life, Haruhi?"

"He wasn't manipulating me. I did it in my own free will. Besides, both of us have benefits in return. Hikaru just wanted to protect you, all he wanted was to stay on your side. He never wanted to live a life without you."

"NO, stop it Haruhi."

"Hikaru loves you not as a brother…"

"Stop."

"You need to know. Open your eyes up Kaoru."

"Why did he have to marry you if he loves me that way?" I yelled, my body was shaking as I suddenly stood up.

"I told you, it was for your own sake. And as for me, I accepted the fake marriage so that I could be completely freed from my past. Or simply say, I am a coward. Tamaki-senpai was coming over to Japan. I heard he's planning to live here together with his wife. And I was scared he'd know that I wasn't married after all these years. So even if it was fake, I took the opportunity and Hikaru and I both agreed."

"You're in love with Tamaki?" I was even more shocked knowing this revelation.

"Ever since high school," she looked away, embracing herself.

I was massaging my temples as I felt throbbing feeling inside my chest. Oh God. What's this sudden revelation all about? Pretense. Fake marriage. Haruhi's actually in love with Tamaki. What the hell is this all about? Why did Hikaru have to do this? Why did he have to keep it from me? And Hikaru's in love with me? Oh God.

"Why are you saying this to me, Haruhi?" I asked, and I held Hikaru's diary in my chest, wishing it was Hikaru I was embracing.

"Since you needed to know. And I know that Hikaru couldn't tell it himself,"

I palmed my face and I felt my own tears dripping unstoppably. I'm stupid. And I'm a fool. Why did it have to turn out like this before I'd known everything? Why did Hikaru have to suffer the consequences of our forbidden love? It should be me who's laying on a hospital's bed! It should be me who's in a comatose and not him!

"When you read his diary, you'll understand everything, Kaoru." She said and I fell onto my knees. Then I felt Haruhi's warm hands enveloping my shuddering body, whispering as her voice went sad, "Don't even think of blaming yourself. Hikaru will hate it, and Hikaru will be sad to see you like this. All we can do now is to pray for his health,"

Haruhi hugged me and I cried on her chest like a stupid child who lost his candy to nowhere. "I just have one favor, Kaoru. Please tell no one about what I told you, especially your parents. Let's wait for Hikaru to wake up,"

I didn't reply since I couldn't find my own voice. But I know that Haruhi knows that I understand, and for Hikaru's sake and to respect his decision, I wouldn't tell anyone.

"Sssh, Hikaru will be fine." She said with condoles then in a minute, we both were startled when the door opened.

"Hikaru?" a very familiar voice screamed in concern. Haruhi and I both were agape when we saw Tamaki standing firmly at the door; his golden hair was shimmering in brilliance while his amethyst eyes were filled with concern—and at the same time, surprised, when his eyes met our own.

"Haruhi? Kaoru?" He said and his voice was turning a little merry as he went and grabbed both of our hands, making us stand up. "It's been a long time you two, my lovely children!"

Tamaki embraced us and I saw Haruhi's cheeks go red but sadness infiltrated her eyes, but it was not long enough when Tamaki pulled out just to go over to Hikaru's bed.

"You surprised us, Tamaki-senpai." I said, breaking the sudden odd silence. Just then I noticed that senpai was not alone; Kyoya, Mori and Honey were on the door. Kyoya was holding a basket full fruits; Mori was holding a flower stand while Honey was bringing a bunch of full blossomed flowers with him.

"Oh God, I heard Hikaru's currently in a coma." Tamaki said as he went to caress Hikaru's cheek.

I was gripping my chest as I held the notebook tighter, then Kyoya placed the basket above the table before he went to pat my back, "He'll be fine, Tamaki."

I felt reassured as I heard Kyoya say that. I know he's making me ease the worry and pain.

"Ah, where shall I put this?" Honey asked as he smelled the flowers.

I saw Mori pat Honey's shoulder as he gestured to him to put the flowers on the stand he was holding, then Honey smiled. "These lovely flowers will make Hikaru feel comfortable. Someone told me these will make the sick patient heal faster!"

"Thanks for these, Honey-senpai." Haruhi said as she helped Honey in arranging the colorful flowers. "Hikaru will love this."

"Due to Hikaru's condition, I've changed my mind. If its fine with you guys, we'll just have to support Hikaru in his everyday fight of survival. We'll move the reunion when Hikaru wakes up and when he's completely fine." Tamaki said.

"That'll be no problem." Honey said.

"Who wants a reunion knowing that someone is hospitalized anyway?" I heard Haruhi say then everyone looked at her. She was bowing her head and her hands were clenched.

I saw Tamaki's saddened expression and I know why. "Don't worry Haruhi, Hikaru will be fine. I'm going to help and find the best doctor," He said then he smiled bitterly. "You don't have to take all the worries and pain all for yourself, you need rest as well. Though I know it must be tough in your part, you and Hikaru just got married. I feel sorry for what had happened."

"I don't need your sorry," She said and I was startled. She sure doesn't need to act so hostile towards Tamaki all of a sudden, or else our idiot senpai would commit planting mushrooms again. But I shoved off the thought. I almost forgot, we're not in high school anymore.

"I understand." Tamaki answered.

"Kaoru," I looked to turn at Kyoya, "Tamaki and I are going to stay here tonight. I demand that you and Haruhi must go home so you two can rest well."

"No, thanks Kyoya. But please, I don't want to leave Hikaru's side." I replied and Kyoya sighed.

"I'm not leaving my husband." Haruhi uttered.

"Well then, why don't we all sleep here tonight?" Honey suggested and Mori nodded his head subsequently, liking the idea very well.

* * *

*Next chapter—Hikaru's feelings and his diary contents will be revealed! See yah! By the way, who still hates Hikaru here? And yay, Tamaki's comeback!


	16. Chapter 16

_Howdy Everyone. Firstly, I'm sorry I wasn't able to post yesterday which was Friday. It was due to some confidential reasons. _

_Anyway, let's see what's on this chapter. Ah! Below is the series of events on Hikaru's diary that has happened ever since they're young. It's Hikaru's POV. So yeah, finally, we'll know what's on his mind ever since this fanfic has started! It's not quite detailed, but for sure, the scenes are arranged in sequence. You can say it's more likely the summary of the previous events of their younger life, but Kaoru didn't know that this has actually happened _-since Hikaru wasn't telling him anything._ You can also say it's a flashback chapter, ah whatever._

_This must be the longest chapter I have ever written in this story. Well, I'm not sure if you'll like this but, I need to post it so Hikaru won't be mentally and emotionally hated by everyone here, haha. Whatnot, it's the PLOT after all._

_This time it's not full of angst. Just slight though. I guarantee._

_*** I used ITALIC letters to distinguish Hikaru's POV from Kaoru. And since it's just a flashback chapter. I hope you wouldn't mind the way how I write this story. At first stance, I found it hard on how to express what's inside of Hikaru's diary and how I should detail it without confusing everybody. Since it's a diary, I was thinking to put the DATE and TIME above every scene, but when I did that, I realized that it wasn't the style I wanted it to be. So I omitted the date and time—instead, I did just put a horizontal line (and because of that I don't know if it's still to be considered as a DIARY). And since Hikaru's the owner of the diary then it should be understandable that the contents were written in his point of view. But actually though, Kaoru was the one who was reading it silently—right after the day that Haruhi gave him the note. In Hikaru's diary, he wrote only the summary but while Kaoru was reading it he was actually recalling the past. Is it confusing? Hahaha sorry. Just Enjoy! *** (Wow, I've said a lot.)_

Thanks to **NefertariNami** for beta-ing my chapters!

* * *

**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter Sixteen

* * *

_I started freaking out when I saw Kaoru was nowhere to be found. I told him to wait for me since I needed to pee, but when I exited the bathroom, Kaoru wasn't there where I last saw him. I ran to the hallway fast and I was eager to see him since I hated the idea of not having Kaoru at my side, even it was for a mere minute. _

_Then I felt my heart thump in contentment when I spotted him at the mansion's doorway. However, he wasn't alone. _

_I saw him laughing while talking with our new maid, and for some reason my heart ached. I think it was more than jealousy that I felt. It was hard for me every time I saw Kaoru talking to someone rather than me. It was ridiculous and childish, but, I wanted to have Kaoru all for myself. I've grown up bearing that thought. And it was unconventional._

_"__Kaoru!" I was clenching my hands when I called him. _

_He seemed startled, then he turned to look at me. He had a very genuine smile when he saw me, and it was that look that made me find him very cute. "Oniisan!" And it was just recently that I found myself disliking it every time he calls me Oniisan; the word was somehow discomfort to me for certain mysterious reasons. _

_He ran over me and he took my hand, and my feeling of uncertainties and jealousy were gone, "Oniisan! She said that Dad and Mom are coming over tonight! I'm so excited to see them!"_

_The happiness that glowed on Kaoru's face was more than enough for me than receiving the news that our workaholic parents are coming home. I'm not too excited in seeing them since I'm not that very close to them. I'm not close to anyone but Kaoru. And Kaoru alone is enough, more than enough essentially. _

_In fact, Kaoru is my world._

_"__It that so? I'm glad to hear that," I said as I combed his bangs by my fingers. Then I grabbed his other hand, "Come, let's play in our room."_

"_Are we going to play while we wait for them?" he asked and I saw in his eyes the longing._

"_Yes." I answered then he smiled. It was enough._

_"__Young Masters, it's time for your lessons. Your teacher is waiting in the study room," The new maid said, and if I may remember correctly, her name is Midori. And it's hypocritical for me to say I like her although I do not._

_"__We're off to play. Didn't you hear me?" I turned to glare at her and she was taken aback._

_"__Your parents will get mad if they know you've been skipping classes." _

_"__It's indecent of you to dictate what we shall do- you're just a mere servant." I said with finality and I walked out dragging Kaoru by one hand. I never saw it but I could feel that she was glaring and cursing at me behind my back. That's why I hate her. _

_"__She's new. You shouldn't be so mean towards her, Oniisan." _

_"__She's new but she talks too much. Are you siding with her?" I asked, my brows were up as I turned to face Kaoru. _

_"__Of course not!" He immediately answered._

_"__Good." I said as I opened our room's massive door. "You shouldn't be siding with anyone but me, Kaoru. And you should understand that no one else on this world could understand and love you the way I do. I'm the only one who will never betray you, remember that."_

_"__Of course, Oniisan! I am as well!" He cheerfully said, "Can we play now?"_

_"__Yes. I'll be playing the 'it', so you should hide very well."_

_Kaoru smiled and I closed my eyes as I started to count numbers up to ten._

_

* * *

_

_I was sweltering and for unknown reasons, I couldn't sleep. I felt thirsty so I shifted and carefully pulled off Kaoru's small arms from my waist, then I chuckled when he mumbled my name. I stood up from our bed and walked to reach the knob before I twisted it quietly. It's past ten in the evening and I didn't want to disturb Kaoru's peaceful sleep._

_All I wanted was to go in the kitchen to drink some water, but I was stopped from my sluggish pace when I walked past our parent's room and heard them talking about something. _

_I didn't know that Mom and Dad were already here, I never noticed their arrival today. And I hate it. Kaoru was tired of waiting for them and he was even excited to see them arrive. But what did they do? They shouldn't be saying things like arriving __early__ tonight if they weren't certain that they could! Kaoru was so disappointed and sad when they didn't make it on time. Even if they're our parents, I don't want them to hurt my little Kaoru. He feels like he wasn't loved by anyone except me, and although I hate to admit this but—me alone was not enough for Kaoru. He needs our parents' love, I know, even without having him tell it to me. _

_I was intrigued however, when I heard Midori's voice inside, so I tip-toed and stuck my ear on the door, curious at what they were talking about. But I'm sure it was about us since Midori—our personal maid—was inside._

_I furrowed my brows when I heard our name being mentioned._

_"__Are they doing well?" It was our mom._

_"__Yes, Madam. But I'm afraid to say this but…" she paused and I stuck my ear much closer._

_"__Go on, Midori." It was Dad this time and I was unconsciously clenching my fists._

_"__They've been skipping classes for almost a month already, and though it's not appropriate for me to say this, I have no choice but to speak my thoughts."_

_"__It must be tough on your part. I know they're mischievous and naughty towards other people. We'll, what's it you want to tell? Any reports?" _

_"__The twins are inseparable. And I'm afraid that, if they continue on depending each other, then they'll grow up in dependence. And Hikaru, being the oldest of the twins, is much more possessive over his younger twin. He's an extreme influence to Kaoru. Whatever he says, he gets. To him, everyone and everything else don't fit and suit his tastes; he doesn't care about anything. He doesn't care about his education, and he doesn't even have an ambition, he doesn't think about his future life. All what matters to him is his younger twin. And also, Hikaru has a very short temper." _

_"__He's the older and we need him most, why didn't anyone tell us about this before?" My father asked and somehow I was alarmed._

_"__The household servants quit before you even know it, Sir."_

_"__What about Kaoru?"_

_"__Kaoru has a very gentle and kind heart. A complete opposite of Hikaru. At their young age, Kaoru values the importance of others but sadly to say, he's grown up believing that Hikaru is all he needs. Whatever is said to him, he always does it especially if it's about Hikaru. He's the kind of child who will do anything for his twin brother, no matter what the consequences is, and no matter how painful it is. He knows right from wrong, the limits and highlights, but he is weak in heart. He easily gets upset and downhearted, he is always afraid that Hikaru might get mad at him. And because of Hikaru's influence, Kaoru is turning more dependent on him. Hikaru is making Kaoru depend only on him, and that's not quite good, Sir."_

_"__Because we're not always on their side, I, as their mother, don't even know their personalities. I can't even distinguish them until now." _

_"__I'm disappointed to hear this, knowing that Hikaru has lost his desire in becoming successful in the future. How pathetic. I've been rooting for him to take over my business in Europe, but I guess Japan is where his heart belongs." My father said and I clenched my jaw, that's why I dislike my parents—business is all that matters to them!_

_"__Since it appears to be that Kaoru is easier to handle, it will be easier to instruct him and manipulate his desire." He added and I felt anger towards my own father. How could he manipulate Kaoru's desire? Is it even possible?_

_"__I know Kaoru is a very obedient son," My mother said and I felt pain in my chest. How can she say Kaoru's the obedient son when she herself couldn't even tell us apart? That's pathetic!_

_This was so sickening!_

_"__Well then, since they're still young, things might change. So you need to develop their character Midori. But anyhow, when they turn 16 and their views in life are still the same, then I have no choice but to separate the two of them."_

_What? What did he say? Separate me from Kaoru? That's insane! I won't allow that to happen! _

_"__But Dear, our twins are inseparable."_

_"__That's why we need to make a move before it's too late. We need them both to run our businesses in the future, and the company needs at least either one of them."_

_"__What are your plans, Sir?"_

_"__I'm going to send Hikaru in Paris when he turns sixteen. And as for Kaoru, I'll send him to a prestigious school here in Japan." _

_My knees were weakening and my heart was thumping so fast. It's unbearable to hear this. Father is going to send me away? He'll separate us? He'll be tearing us apart? No! I won't allow it! No one can ever separate me from my Kaoru! Kaoru is mine! He'll stay at my side no matter what and I will not seriously leave him alone! I won't let them…I won't! _

_I shouted in agony inside as I ran off back towards our room. I jumped onto bed and I embraced Kaoru protectively, my tears were flowing and it was the first time that I cried. _

_"__Oniisan?" I was startled when Kaoru woke up, rubbing his sleepy eyes. I saw his eyes widen then he came to caress my cheeks, "Why are you crying, Hikaru?"_

_"__Nothing. You're just having a dream, go back to sleep, Kaoru."_

_"__If this was a dream then I hate it." He added, "Because it made Hikaru cry."_

_"__Go back to sleep, Kaoru." I whispered as I kissed his forehead. _

* * *

_It was that late in the morning when I called Kaoru—we made promise together. Mom and Dad flew back to Paris during dawn, they didn't even show up to us and Kaoru didn't know they were here last night. And I wasn't planning on telling him since it would hurt him more. _

_"__Come over here," I shouted to Kaoru who then ran at a faster speed. _

_I made him sit on my lap and said, "Look at the sky, Kaoru. Isn't it beautiful?"_

_He nodded and I smiled as I replied, "Wrong."_

_I saw him pouting then I grinned as I whispered to his ears, "You're more beautiful Kaoru. The sky couldn't compare to your beauty inside and out."_

_Then he looked at me, "I'm not a girl, so I'm not beautiful Hikaru-niisan. I'm muscular." _

_I laughed as I turned him around, "Let's make a promise, Kaoru."_

_"__What kind of promise?"_

_"__We're going to stay together. No one can ever separate us no matter what." I said with fear, and my chest was aching as I recalled the conversation last night._

_"__But of course we won't be separated from each other. We're twins. We're always together." He said and it was enough for me to smile. But it couldn't hide the fact that I was afraid… And I was anxious that Kaoru might notice the fear in my voice. _

_It might be odd but my love for Kaoru is becoming more intense and unexplainable each day. I went to brush his bangs and somehow, this was the first time I hoped to be reborn again, in another body and family, "We look very much alike, there's no doubt we're twins." _

_He nodded his head and he agreed, then when he said he loved it this way, I took back my words. If I was reborn in another body, then, there's a possibility that I wouldn't meet Kaoru and I couldn't hold him like this. That's why I'm still thankful we're twins._

_But why…why do I have this feeling that I don't need him as my brother?_

_It must be because of the conversation I overheard that I became thinking this way. I don't want Kaoru to leave my side. It was just so simple._

* * *

_Two years ago, I overhead my parent's conversation with our maid Midori. After that, I made a false letter to send Midori out from the mansion. She thought it was our Dad who wrote it, and I was the happiest person on earth when I succeeded in kicking her out. Then I made our butler lie to our Dad, said Midori couldn't endure it so she decided to quit. _

_It has never been hard to ask a favor to our old butler since I'm his favorite and he's been on our side ever since we were five. I admitted that, our butler whose name was Tanaka, was more like a father to us. _

_Kaoru and I were turning ten, but I was mad when I received a call that our parent's wouldn't be able to come and celebrate with us. I was so mad. But I wasn't mad for myself. I'm mad since Kaoru was aching to see them, and he was expecting them to come home and celebrate our tenth birthday but, said they couldn't come after all. _

_In the end, Kaoru was sad because of them. But I always told him that he should stop expect things from them or to anyone, and no one on this world can be trusted. But of course I was right, we should never expect __anything__ from __anyone__. _

_Each day when he waits for our parents, I always tell him, "They won't come." He would always look at me disappointed and sad, but he would still smile at me as I say, "Kaoru, we have our own world. Even if they come home, they can never enter to our paradise."_

_Then he would say, "In our paradise, no one else is to interfere, right, Oniisan?"_

_Since then, he has learned not to wait for anyone. He told me, there's only one person he would be willing to wait, one person he'd sacrificed to wait even if it means forever waiting. And his world was filled only with one name. "Hikaru." It was enough._

_And then, I don't know when it had started and it was eccentric to feel this way, but I fell in love with Kaoru. It was ridiculous and eccentric. The day I realized it was the worst day in my life. How can I love my own brother this way? _

_Each day I loved him. Day by day, my feelings are tight. Day after day, I love Kaoru so bad. The more reason why I don't want to let him go. And it's the reason why I have to do anything to find a solution in order for us not to part. But how?_

_I couldn't tell Kaoru about what I overheard. I was afraid that Kaoru might be tempted by Dad's decision and then leave me behind. Dad was right. Kaoru was easier to handle and manipulate his desires, and that's why I molded him to depend only to me. But I know I was wrong. I was possessive and a mere coward. _

_Every time I think about our separation, the more I become possessive over Kaoru, the more I become restless. I lost my old self and then I started to conceal my real emotions towards Kaoru since I was afraid he would notice those fears residing inside me. My fear stressed me out and my anxiousness was slowly eating me, but I wasn't showing it to him since I don't want him to worry. As his older twin brother, I should not show any kinds of fear and restlessness to him. I needed to become strong for him._

_To think that Dad was going to send me away (away from my Kaoru), I constantly lost my temper, and the more I become so pathetically sensitive and overprotective of him. But I know, and I could see that my actions and sudden change of moods and tempers were just giving pain to Kaoru. But since I couldn't tell Kaoru about Dad's plan to separate us, I needed to endure while I sorted things out. _

_Kaoru loves me more than anything on this world. He never fails to say that he loves me, but for some reasons, I couldn't tell him that I love him unlike before. It's because I'm now aware that my love for him was far beyond being an older brother. _

_And I'm afraid that he'd do anything just for my own sake. I was afraid that Dad might use us against each other. That's why I'm scared. Ever since that day, I was always afraid, anxious in making everything to flow in according to my plan. _

_Can I make it on time before we turn sixteen?_

* * *

_We're twelve years old and Dad sent us to a prestigious school- Ouran Academy. Our first day was kind of traumatic, since there were lots of girls who were squeaking and giggling around us. But we didn't care much since Kaoru and I have our own world, and no matter how much effort they exalt and do, they couldn't enter our realm of twosome. _

_Then there was this day, just that day, when Kaoru was gone at my side. I was deeply sleeping and when I woke up, I found him not by my side anymore. I was completely disturbed since Kaoru wouldn't leave my side without me knowing, so I exited the empty classroom and went to find him. _

_I was merely jumping in bliss when I heard his voice inside the next room, but I was confused when he was actually talking to someone, a girl. I was jealous. I thought he didn't need anyone to talk to but me. So why was he talking to someone? I felt anger. I was just there standing at the door, and I saw only his back. I hated it._

_"__Where's Hikaru, Kaoru? It's odd you're not with him."_

_"__I'm not Kaoru, I'm Hikaru." He said and even though I was mad, I laughed silently inside. He's doing pranks, isn't he?_

_"__Oh, I'm sorry! It's just that you two look the same!"_

_"__Of course, we're twins." I saw him shrugging his shoulders, and I know what it means, he was tired of getting the same answer. Kaoru was always disappointed in hearing the same reasons, like, "Oh, you two look the same! So identical!" "Eh I'm sorry, I thought you are Hikaru!" _

_But on the contrary, he loved it that way. And I loved it, too. Since no one could determine us apart, but us alone._

_"__Then why are you here, Hikaru? Where's Kaoru?"_

_"__Idiot. You actually believe me when I said I was Hikaru? Hahaha! Of course I'm Kaoru!"_

_"__Eh…you're so mean, Kaoru. You should have said it earlier."_

_"__You're just like your twin. Where's Hikaru? And why are you here?"_

_"__I'm here to get the book someone promised me. I think her name is Mika."_

_"__Mika-san? EH? Are you two dating?"_

_I was stunned at the question, then I hid myself at the back of the door when the girl glanced at my direction. I was glad she didn't see me._

_"__Of course not. But she'd promised me a book."_

_"__A book? You love reading books, Kaoru?"_

_"__Ah…Umm…well…yes. Perhaps." Kaoru answered and I was astonished. I never knew that Kaoru loved to read books. We share the same room but I never noticed any books on his property._

_"__Then that means you like someone who's a bookworm also?"_

_"__Of course." He said and I was stunned. _

_"__So where's Mika?"_

_Just then, I ran off. This was the only thing I never knew about Kaoru, he didn't tell me!_

* * *

_"__What's with all these books, Hikaru?" _

_I saw his wrinkled eyebrows as he entered our room, and I didn't expect him to do that. I was reading Shakespeare's __The Odyssey__, and the other books I've just ordered directly from the bookstore were scattered on our bed. Some were piled on the floor._

_"__Welcome home, Kaoru. These books? Well, I realized earlier that I loved reading books. So I bought them at once." I said as I flipped another page, crossing my legs as I continue to read the contents._

_"__Eh? Since when did you love reading this many books?" He was suspicious as he walked towards me._

_"__Earlier." I answered then I was surprised when he suddenly hugged me from behind, then my heart was thumping very fast._

_"__Was that the reason why you suddenly left at school? I was so worried when I came back but you weren't there anymore. I thought Oniisan hated me because he left without making me know." _

_"__I'm sorry, Kaoru. I promise I won't leave you again just like that," I said, tilting my head up so I could be facing his saddened eyes. _

_"__Do you prefer books over me?" He asked and I almost wanted to jump to shake my head the biggest NO._

_"__Of course not!" Then he smiled, his eyes were back to normal again and I was relieved._

_"__Ah! By the way Hikaru-niisan! I've got this book for you!"_

_"__A book?"_

_"__It's about Paris. Yesterday, I heard you mentioning about Paris during sleep, and that was the third time you mentioned it. And I thought that maybe you love the place. That's why I bought this one from the girl in the other class. I was excited to give this to you. If you like the place that much, then you would like it more after you read their culture and everything else!" _

_He said and I was simply agape. I was even hesitant when I took the said book from his hands, I couldn't believe it, really. I was sleep-talking and mentioned about the stupid Paris thing, and Kaoru misunderstoond it. _

_Then I laughed._

_I took the book and held it in my chest but I was laughing like crazy because I took it so seriously, I was so desperate to have everything that Kaoru likes. I'm turning crazy and super-obsessed to Kaoru. The catch? Kaoru doesn't notice it! Why? Because I wasn't showing it to him…how could I?_

_"__Eh, why are you laughing?" _

_"__Haha! Nothing, just that…well, come here Kaoru." I said as I patted my lap. He complied and I snaked my arms around his waist, "I think I love reading books from now on."_

_"__Do you like it?"_

_"__What?"_

_"__Paris."_

_"__I hate the place actually."_

_"__But you were mentioning it consecutively in three nights."_

_"__It must be because I was having a nightmare about Paris."_

_"__Nightmare? What was it about?" He turned to look at me, curious and at the same time, concern._

_"__Can't remember." I answered, and then I went to kiss his forehead. "But since you exert an effort for this book, then, I think I don't hate Paris that much anymore."_

_"__Then can we go there someday, Hikaru? I want to have a vacation just the two of us, and Paris is a wonderful place."_

_Idiot. His words always make my heart thumps. Oh God, forgive me for loving Kaoru this much. I pinched his nose and said, "Let's go and see the Eiffel Tower someday."_

_"__Great!"_

* * *

_This day was unbelievable. We didn't expect that there'll be a day this one would come. A new transfer student from France arrived and he was the son, an only heir, of the Souh family—the owner of the school we're in. _

_Tamaki Suoh was his name._

_Then he approached us. We were shocked of course, surprised at his sudden friendly aura—and he sure was a proud and arrogant man—was what we thought based on his appearance. When I first saw him, I hated his genuine smile and so on and on. _

_He was so talkative. _

_Kaoru and I dumped him many times. But he kept on tailing us, saying he'd put a new club and he wanted us to take part. Geez. I don't intend in allowing someone to enter and mingle with our own world. I'll have Kaoru all for myself. And he's feeling the same. So a new person is no need at all._

_But he was so persistent. So we made a game. If he could tell us apart then we would join. Unluckily, he did fail many times but he was able to determine us apart at the end. He told us what kind of club he'd be making and then, an idea—and that was the only reason why we want to join—caught our attention. _

_Kaoru and I would be able to act and pretense in front of many fangirls the brotherly-incestuous relationship. Of course I loved it! I can hold Kaoru without restraining. I can finally express my words of affection and love towards my brother! But of course, the only disadvantage was that, it was only a pretense for entertaining the guests. _

_Though it was unexpected, I'm still glad that Kaoru's happy about it. Even if we're members of the club, nothing much has changed. We're still the same. We made pranks. We're known as the mischievous and naughty twins. However, this one fact remained intact—my world is Kaoru, and Kaoru's world is me._

_But since that day, even if we __won't__ admit it—and I hate to admit it—Kaoru and my life were slowly changing. _

* * *

_Three years later, we're fifteen and teenagers. I succeeded in protecting Kaoru and I never failed in taking care of him, as the older brother, I needed to. Everything was fine and smooth and I've been giving him the love and protection he all needs. _

_Kaoru wasn't as depressed as before when we were kids whenever our parents won't be coming home for important occasions. He has completely forgotten how it feels like to have parents on our side. I must be so bad. Coz I brainwashed my little brother. _

_But sometimes, I felt guilt and sadness whenever Kaoru sees a happy family get along well on public. Because I could still see on his eyes the longing and yearning. I asked him once, "Am I not still enough?"_

_"__You're more than enough," was what he answered and that was all I wanted to hear._

_Then one day, unexpectedly, our parents arrived only to check on us. I was relieved since Kaoru's been waiting for them to come home, then I saw Kaoru's genuine smile as we faced them. And I clenched my fists together. _

_I lifted my head to look at my father. He politely smiled at me but I couldn't feel his love on his eyes and face. He never changed. He's emotionless as ever. Our father loved his business more than anything else. He values his reputation as a well-known businessman in Europe. He was never been a father to us. _

_"__How's school, Hikaru?" he asked._

_"__Fine." I said._

_"__You're turning sixteen, how about going with us and continuing school in Paris?" That's it. I knew it from the start why they're here in Japan, they just want to check if we're doing well in school and then one of us will be send abroad. Fah, as if I'd let him._

_"__Paris? Are we going to study fashion designs there, Papa?" I heard Kaoru asked._

_"__Ah, well, one of you will become a successful designer just like your Mom. But one will become my successor." _

_"__But Hikaru and I both love designing clothes."_

_"__My dear, you two don't have to become designers." Mom said and I was going to lose my temper soon, if it's not only for Kaoru._

_"__So what about Paris, Hikaru?"_

_"__I'm not going anywhere unless Kaoru's with me." I answered, grabbing my twin's hand beside me._

_"__It's time to live independently. It is time to prepare you both to be polished to become successful in lives."_

_"__We're not computers, you cannot program us, Papa." I said, then Kaoru was clutching my chest, "Niisan…"_

_My father stood up and his face was turning sinister, "Well then, as the head of the family, the final decisions are mine. As my sons, one of you will become my successor."_

_I was clenching and Kaoru was hugging me, but before father and mother walked into their room, father added, "A year from now, I'll send someone. A very important person, until then, be my good sons."_

_"__What is he talking about, Hikaru?" Kaoru was nuzzling his face on my chest, I think he noticed that I wasn't in a good mood, that's why he was trying to calm me down._

_"__What else will it be? Papa talks nothing but business." I answered, circling my arms around his back._

_"__I think he's mad. Disappointed rather?"_

_"__The hell I care."_

_"__Don't be mean. He's our father after all."_

_"__I don't think so. I can't feel it."_

_"__By the way, Hikaru. I heard there's a new student in school."_

_I frowned as I looked at him, "Why are you bringing this up all of a sudden? In such a wrong time? Geez."_

_"__She perfected the exam. A commoner will be entering next school year." _

_"__A commoner? C'mon Kaoru, how can an ordinary person pay such a high-class academy?"_

_"__She's a scholar, Hikaru. I heard she's very bright and intelligent!" _

_I was then alarmed by Kaoru's words. No, it was the way he'd said it. He sounded so interested with the new student. He sounded excited and I felt jealous for some reason. I have this feeling that that scholar, that girl, would somehow touch my brother's heart and snatch him away from me. _

_Bright and intelligent huh. Fah._

_"__Well, let's see how long she can survive to our pranks. Her intelligence is no match to our mischievousness." _

* * *

_A year later, my greatest fear has finally come. We're sixteen. It's time for Dad to get one of us and bring him to Paris. Oh God. What shall I do? I'm sure he was going to pick me since I'm the oldest but, I'm sure to myself that I wouldn't go and leave Kaoru. But what about Kaoru? He doesn't even know about this!_

_Late this afternoon, Tanaka our old butler, informed me that our father was coming home tonight. Dad told Tanaka to secure us and be sure we're not to leave the mansion. Dad said he was going to get me and I was panicking. But since Tanaka was on our side, it was never been too hard._

_Ten o'clock in the evening, I went to pack my things before I walked towards the sleeping Kaoru and shrugged his shoulders. "Kaoru, wake up!"_

_He was so easy to wake up unlike me. He was rubbing his eyes as he looked at the wall clock, "Hikaru, it's ten o'clock, shouldn't we sleep?"_

_"__Fix yourself, we're leaving the mansion immediately!" I said as I slapped his cheeks lightly._

_"__Eh? Why?"_

_"__We just need to leave. Don't make me explain since it's a long story." I replied as I stood up to hook my backpack on my shoulders._

_"__Why so suddenly? Can't we do it tomorrow?"_

_"__Don't you trust me, Kaoru?"_

_"__I don't trust anyone but you. I'm just confused." He said but he was actually getting ready. When he had his coat on, I dragged him forward. We exited our room then we sneaked out from the mansion, then I saw Tanaka behind the bushes smiling as he waved his hand._

_"__Isn't that Tanaka?"_

_"__Argh, ignore him." I snapped as we walked pass the bushes not far from Tanaka. _

_"__Are we escaping from someone, Hikaru?" He asked and I stunned for awhile. _

_"__I'm just protecting us from someone- that's all." I said as we continued to our pace, now we finally exited the mansion. Then not just minutes have passed, we heard a limousine that seemed entering our mansion's gate—it was our father's limousine._

_I smiled however, since we made it on time. _

_"__Hikaru, can we stop now? My feet are going weak," He complained in the midst of our wandering. We both stopped as I looked around the place, no, we're actually in the middle of an empty peaceful street. Now, now, where are we?_

_I took the bag pack then I kneeled to bend down, "Take this bag, Kaoru. Then hop on my back, I'll carry you."_

_"__Are you serious Hikaru? You look more tired than I am!" He said and I grimaced at him, "I'll carry you, do you have any problem with that?" _

_"__But, but…"_

_"__I take no buts, now come on, hurry. We need to find a place before dawn." _

_He was actually hesitant but he was more afraid the fact I was getting pissed, so in the end, I carried him on my back. "I'm actually heavy."_

_"__I know."_

_"__Is it really okay? Just tell me if you can't endure it, we'll take turns."_

_"__Are you kidding me? I'm your older brother so I have the full responsibility here."_

_"__But where are we going anyway?"_

_"__Just far from the mansion, don't worry. It's only for a while."_

_"__But why do we need to leave the mansion at this kind of hour?"_

_"__Oh shut up, Kaoru. You ask too many things, just bear it with me if you want us to stay together."_

_"__What do you mean by that?" I was stunned._

_"__I said shut up."_

_"__Why are you so mean to me recently, Hikaru?" His voice sounded so hurt and I was feeling the pain._

_"__You're imagining things." I said and I didn't see the rock on the ground, I stepped over it and we both stumble, but I was making it sure that Kaoru won't land on the ground. He landed on my back and I embraced the whole impact._

_"__Ouch," But I was still lucky that my face wasn't hit on the ground, I was able to use my arms. However, lucky wasn't with me this night, I sprained my left leg. Damn it. _

_"__Hikaru, are you okay? Your leg!" He screamed as he helped me in rolling over. "It's bleeding too! Oh god, it's my fault! I told you I'm heavy!"_

_"__Bleeding this much won't kill me."_

_"__But you're hurt!"_

_"__Of course I am, I sprained my leg." I said as I massaged my right leg slightly, but damn it hurts. I saw Kaoru's worried face and I was terrified when I saw tears, I didn't want him to cry nor to blame himself. _

_I stood up carefully, "Don't cry Kaoru, I'm okay, see?" I said but when I stepped my leg I stumbled down and I yelled in pain. "Crap!"_

_"__Someone, help!" But I was more shocked when Kaoru suddenly went hysterical. he was shouting in the middle of the street and I was afraid he'd wake the residents, "My brother is injured! Please if there's still anyone awake out there, we need help!"_

_"__God, Kaoru! Don't shout!"_

_"__Help!"_

_"__I said stop! You're waking the residents!"_

_"__Help us!" He continued and the houses' lights were turning on, all the neighborhoods were disturbed—what the!_

_Kaoru stopped yelling when the small gate in front of us opened, and we're both in awe as we saw a short and a fragile girl standing. Her hair is brunette, straight and long, she even has bangs that are almost covering her narrowing eyes. "What's with the fuss?"_

_Kaoru widened his eyes, then I determined hope in his face as he went to grab the girl's hand, "Please miss, my brother sprained his leg, can you please take us in and help him? His knee is bleeding, too! I don't want him to die!"_

_The girl was baffled as she turned to look at me, then I noticed that she actually has big brown eyes, "Come on in, we have aid for sprained leg." The she want to look at my twin brother, "Just stop yelling since you're waking the neighbors."_

_"__Thanks a lot!" Kaoru said and he was back to me to carry me on his back, "We'll treat your leg, Niisan."_

_"__Seriously, Kaoru, don't scream in the middle of the night ever again."_

* * *

_"__There. It's done." She said as she finished putting bandage on my sprained leg. When I didn't thank her, Kaoru did._

_"__Thank you miss," Kaoru said in relief and he was smiling at her. I knitted my brows as I turned my face away. Fah, I have this feeling that Kaoru's liking the girl. She's cute really, but she's not Kaoru's type, is she? If that's the case, then I'll forget her help and just throw her in the deepest ocean where Kaoru won't be able to see her ever again. Damn it, I'm becoming inhumane._

_"__Just call me Haruhi."_

_She said but her facial expression never changed. When Kaoru smiled, I rolled my eyes as I clenched my fists. _

_Since we couldn't continue in finding an inn because of my injury, we were forced to sleep overnight at the girl's house. Her name was Haruhi as she said. Her father's not around so it's fine for her. We're not some bad guys anyway, was what she reasoned. _

_Morning came, and my sprained leg wasn't hurting that much anymore. So I decided to proceed to my next plan, although it's against my will to leave Kaoru in her house, I'd endure it and I'll have to—just for the meantime anyway. _

_I requested Haruhi to look for him and she doesn't mind it at all—the more I became so suspicious on her motive but—I was actually imagining things. I'm just utterly jealous of her since she was a girl and cute and I was not. Darn, I'm crazy._

_I'm going back to the mansion. I still need to fix some problems there. And even if it means 'going far beyond limits' I don't care since I'll do anything for us to stay together._

_It was morning when I sneaked in inside our room, and I was confident that Dad was still in his bedroom—eating breakfast in bed, since that was he always does. However as I opened the door, I felt suddenly nervous when I saw Dad sitting on our bedroom's couch. He unfolded his arms as he stood up, "Where have you been, Kaoru?"_

_Ah that's right, he couldn't tell us apart. What a pathetic father he was. _

_I composed myself as I greeted him, "Morning Papa. I went to find Hikaru but, I lost track of him."_

_"__You two didn't sleep here last night. And what's the meaning of this? Track who? Where's Hikaru?"_

_"__I don't know, Papa."_

_"__You don't know? You're his twin and you don't know?"_

"You're his father and you don't know?" _I screamed inside._

_"__That's why I went out to find him. He wasn't telling me that he'd be going somewhere." I said as I bowed my head a little, hiding those emotions that might catch his attention._

_"__That child, he's testing my temper. He knows I'm sending him to Paris but he intentionally leaves the mansion. Did he tell you something?" _

_"__Hikaru hasn't been telling me anything ever since grade school."_

_"__Aren't you two close to each other?" His brows curved._

_"__Perhaps." I said and he was surprised to know that. But of course it was a lie. "But he once told me before, Hikaru won't go to Paris, even if you force him to."_

_"__That child!" he hissed._

_"__Is there something wrong Papa?" I softened my voice so he won't notice me._

_"__It's not as simple as wrong, it's a disaster. And since he's rebelling against me, then, I won't be giving him the chance to become my successor."_

_I grinned evilly inside. This is what I want._

_"__Besides, Mr. Miller's daughter has developed interest in you, Kaoru. You'll be meeting her sooner, and since she seems to like you more than Hikaru, it'll be more convenient if you take over my position instead of your older brother. He's such a rebel anyway."_

_I was stunned at his recent statement. Mr. Miller was Dad's most notable business partner, he's known at England and all over the globe. If his daughter likes Kaoru, then that means…Dad and Mr. Miller were arranging them to marry each other? He's been planning to make Kaoru marry his business partner's daughter? What the hell! _

_"__Kaoru, don't even dare to defy me just like what Hikaru did. She'll be visiting in Japan next year, be nice to her." He said before he walked pass by me. "She'll be your future wife."_

_"__I understand, Papa." I was clenching my fists as I bowed politely._

_He twisted the knob and I caught up, "By the way Papa."_

_He turned to look at me. Then I gave him a calling card, "This is my new number. I lost the old one so if there's anything else you want me to do, just call me in this number."_

_"__What about Hikaru, did he change number too?"_

_"__He didn't." He just wrinkled his brows before he took my calling card. When he closed the door, I grinned. _

_I was glad Dad couldn't tell us apart. I laughed inside. It was a good thing that he mistook me for Kaoru, and it was my plan in the beginning to pretend I was Kaoru anyway. So I'll know what his future plans for my younger brother—and Kaoru wouldn't know it all. I'm going to keep it from him. He needs not to know._

_**And I'm going to destroy Dad's plan for Kaoru! **_

_I already destroyed his plans for me, and I could do even worse than this just to make sure I can stay at Kaoru's side!_

_Kaoru won't marry anyone. And Kaoru won't be going to anywhere else rather than my side! _

_And I won't let my parents to continue hurting Kaoru any longer. No one can hurt him except me. _

_At the thoughts, I grinned evilly. Perhaps I'm turning crazy._

* * *

_A month has passed. A new school year was about to start. Dad and Mom didn't come home just like the usual, they never texted not a call either. All they have was confidence. They were confident that we're absolutely fine. _

_Kaoru and I were freshmen in Ouran High, and a new era for the Ouran High School Host Club members and social guests. _

_Since we entered the club, we met new friends and new people, but none of them once we treated as "One of us", not even Tamaki Souh._

_During the first day in class, Kaoru and I were surprised to know that the new student—the brilliant scholar—was actually the girl who 'saved' me a one certain night. Haruhi Fujioka. _

_She was one of our classmates to add._

_The only thing that bothered me was that, she cut her hair short. But she's cute after all. But the one that bothered me terribly was that Kaoru seemed to have an interest with her. I often caught him at times when he was looking at her. He had admiration flashed in his eyes. I grimaced at the thought._

_We even played trick on her that day, "__Which one of us is Hikaru's__ game?" and I was dumbfounded when she could tell us apart. No matter how we fooled her, she was always right and she was confident with her answer. It was NEW to us. She was incredible I admit. _

_And it was that NEW girl who could TELL us apart made my confidence and self-esteem lessened to an extent. Someone could finally determine Kaoru from me and I was not happy about it. I was not happy since I realized that Kaoru's adoration for her has increased even more. _

_Someone stole half of his attention._

_And I'm not happy about it. With this new girl that seems a new threat to me, I don't know which plan I should process first. Only one thing I know, and that is, I don't want this girl to get close to my Kaoru._

* * *

*So how was it? Haha, you didn't expect that, did you?

Now you know that Hikaru loved Kaoru first before the latter did! Hikaru realized that his feelings for Kaoru were not for brotherly love at a young age, while Kaoru had just realized his ultimate love for Hikaru during their high school years—isn't it quite ironic? Hikaru has actually been in love with Kaoru ever since they were young! Oh come on, wake up!

See yah next chap!

_*P.S: Notify me if using italicized letters are bothersome. If so, I'll change the font style. Ah by the way, next chapter is a part two of this one. So until then, all are flashbacks! _


	17. Chapter 17

**Kaoru's Notes  
**

Chapter Seventeen

Notice to the reader: This is not beta'd yet. My beta is currently taking a vacation for 2 weeks, so she cannot beta my story this time. I am hoping for your kind consideration and please, I told you already, this chapter is NOT edited. And also, please read the end note, thank you.

* * *

_"She's amazing, isn't she Hikaru?" he curled his arms on my shoulders as he came to whisper on my right ear. Concurring to the question, I nodded my head as I fake a smile. "Do you like her, Kaoru?" I asked._

_He raised a right brow and it took several seconds before he answers, "A little." _

_And it was that answer that tightened my heart. A little, huh. _

_I flared my eyes toward Haruhi's direction, who was currently reading a book—the hell I care what kind of book it was—and she always does that every recess. My thoughts were stirred. This was the first time Kaoru has ever said to me that he likes someone, or rather say, the first time I got a different answer from the same question. When we were young, Kaoru would only have one answer, and that was, "I like you more, Hikaru."_

_But ever since we turned sixteen, ever since we entered high school this year, Kaoru started telling me just occasionally that he loved me so. But I couldn't blame him. Since I myself haven't been very vocal to my feelings for him. Perhaps it was because we've grown up, we're not kids anymore. I was thinking that since we're teenagers, Kaoru and I have started to feel embarrass and discomfort whenever we say "I Love You" to each other. _

_When we're inside the host club, entertaining those well-heeled fangirls, it was easier for us to express our feelings and brotherly emotions towards each other. But recently, when we're off alone just the two of us, we were often speechless and it seemed that we were in loss of words. Sometimes, Kaoru won't commence a conversation unless if I'm the one who started it. It was odd, and it was too early for me to say this but, apparently, Kaoru have been distancing himself from me. Wasn't he?_

_I'm not the only one who noticed it since I know Kaoru has noticed it himself. But I was the one who noticed it first, that we were slowly losing our vibes to each other. And I'm still wondering if it was because of me or if it was because of him. _

_But I put the blame more on myself because I rarely have time to talk to Kaoru. Lately, I often leave him alone in the mansion. It wasn't because I wanted it but because I have to. And I couldn't bring him along with me since it was merely confidential._

_Kaoru must have misunderstood my frequent disappearance. _

_Although he wasn't saying it to me I can read what he was thinking, and I know that Kaoru has developed affliction against me. And now, Haruhi's existence and her accidental membership of the club have made everything become worst for the both of us. Since I noticed that Kaoru wasn't the same as usual. Could it be he finally sensed that I was hiding something from him?_

_He might be trying his best not to make me notice it. But he failed to hide it from me. His ignorant actions and his eyes won't ever lie. I couldn't miss the sadness that infiltrated his eyes whenever we are alone. Kaoru's eyes, they were mirror to his emotions and they couldn't lie to me. He was naïve. And he was so easy to read. However, something's upsetting me recently. Although he was trying to cover it up, but I can tell, why—why does he feel sadness whenever he's alone with me? Was he feeling unsatisfied with just being with me?_

_Even if he was trying to look happy and content, I still have the feeling that something's bothering him as well. He always smiles at me each time I caught him up staring blankly to nowhere, but he can't deceive me. I know something's bothering him. But Kaoru wasn't telling it to me, just like how I wasn't telling him about my own burden. _

_We haven't been telling each other's personal problems ever since we became freshmen at Ouran Academy. Why did it turn out this anyway?_

_However, this time, I've come to deduce the reasons behind his weird behavior. He was feeling sad occasionally (this time it was different from the sadness he felt towards our parents). It was another form of sadness that I couldn't fathom the root clearly. But while he was staring at Haruhi, and after he said he likes her, I've come to realized that Kaoru has a crush on her. It wasn't deep enough. But he still likes her. And liking someone can sometimes turn into something much deeper, love. It happened to me so I knew where it could end up. _

_And the sudden thought boiled my emotions. It never occurred in my thoughts that there'll be a day Kaoru would like someone else. I hate the idea that Kaoru might one day leave my side just because of someone else. I don't want him to like Haruhi. He should only LIKE ME. And me alone. I know I'm selfish. But who cares? _

_If ever he likes Haruhi or someone else, I will snatch that person from Kaoru, so Kaoru won't be snatch away from me. I'll snatch everything Kaoru loves until such time Kaoru won't be able to love someone ever again. _

_Then he would love only me. Too bad, I'm already desperate to have Kaoru all for myself. So anyone else isn't needed. _

_For now, I'm not still done dealing with our Dad. But right after I meet Kaoru's fiancée (that will be next month), right after I destroyed his engagement with that girl (which Kaoru has no idea of), I will deal with Haruhi. And I'll think of an idea on how to dispatch her out of Kaoru's mind. Oh God, what has happened to me that I'd become so greedy regards with Kaoru._

_"Hikaru!"_

_"Hey, Hikaru! Are you even listening?" I was simply agape when I realized that Kaoru was shrugging my shoulders. I was too absorbed with my far away thoughts that I almost forgot we're still inside the classroom. I blinked my eyes many times before I went to glance at Haruhi—who was still silently reading her book on her seat. Feigning innocence, huh._

_"Sorry, Kaoru. What have you said?" I asked as I regained back my normal self. Or was trying to do so._

_"Said what?" his brows went up, suddenly confused. But I was more confused._

_"About Haruhi."_

_"Oh that?" his eyes narrowed and he was trying to lower down his voice, but his lips warped teasingly, then he went to smack my shoulder. "Rest assured, Hikaru. I like you more. Ne?" _

_I was dumbfounded while gazing at him. But what he said made me the happiest person on earth. "Really? I thought you have a crush on her." _

_"Haha, what made you think that way Hikaru?" he laughed._

_"Stop pretending, Kaoru. I can tell just by the look in your eyes." I answered, he's dense in a way. He might not notice it himself, but I know that he really have feelings for Haruhi. He's just so dense to realize it._

_"Ah, whatever you think, Hikaru." He said as he crossed his arms in front of me. I was suddenly pissed. So I stood up and went to whisper to his ear, "Well then, I believe you, Kaoru. I'm glad you don't like her that much, coz you know,"_

_Think of an idea of how to dispatch her away from him. They're not even close. But guess what, I was so desperate._

_"Coz you know, Kaoru, I like Haruhi." I said and I felt his whole body shivered, "No, I love her."_

_"Since when?" he asked and for some reasons, his voice trembled so badly. _

_I pressed our foreheads together and I fake a grin at him, "Ever since the night she saved me. Well, who would have thought she's our classmate? Don't you think its fate?"_

_He didn't reply. He wasn't even moving. I didn't know if what I've said was the right choice, but in order to have Kaoru to depend only to me, I needed to break his heart first. When he's broken and loveless, he'll come back to me and we'll be the same as before. Then we'll have a happy life and there was no one to interfere. _

_"Hey, Kaoru, you don't like her do you? Why are you stiff?" I furrowed my brows._

_"I don't like her." Good answer, Kaoru._

_"Then be a good brother and help me with her," I curled my arms around his waist._

_"Of course. If you say so, Oniisan." _

_ That was the first day when Kaoru has started acting strange severely. I was analyzing why and I thought I made the right choice, however, our relationship was deteriorating even more all because I was exaggerating things._

* * *

_"Hi, Haruhi!" I greeted as I sat next to her. She didn't even bother to look at me._

_"You really are a bookworm, are you not?" I asked just trying to get her attention. _

_"Do you want something, Hikaru?" she said while flipping another page. Geez, she's tough. Even when we are inside the host club, entertaining guests, she always has this kind of attitude. Only Tamaki-senpai could sometimes change her expressions, but that was plausible, since Tamaki-senpai is an idiot and has a very charismatic and persuasive atmosphere. _

_"I just wanted to know if you're free tonight." I said as I rested my chin on my knuckles, facing her._

_"I'm obviously not, why?" she knitted her brows without even glancing once at me. She's one of a kind, really._

_"I just want to invite you to a dinner, let's just say, it's my way of saying thank you for the last time." _

_"Well, you can say thank you now. I have something else to do tonight."_

_"When is your free time then?"_

_"Are you asking for a date?" she enquired, and this time, she decided to close her book and look straight at me._

_"What if I say yes, won't you mind?" I grinned._

_"I think asking me for a date is not a good idea, Hikaru. And I know that you know why." She said._

_"If it's about Kaoru then cut it." I assumed, and my heart was tightening inside. If it's like this, then I might lose my temper again. What am I doing anyway? She raised her brows indicating that she's not literally convinced, so I added, "Kaoru has nothing to do with me asking you out."_

_"I can say it's quite the opposite," she said and I was surprised, she stood up and smiled at me in an odd way, "Just take good care of your little brother, Hikaru." _

_Then she exited our classroom just in time Kaoru entered. He noticed my sighing so he went to me and asked, "What happened, Hikaru?"_

_"She just dumped me. She's tough, isn't she?" I said, shaking my head as I went to snake my arms around his waist. _

_"She's a scholar and she needs to maintain her grades. Besides, she seems pressured on how to pay back the club, especially since Kyoya-senpai never fails to calculate her debts each day. That's why she doesn't have time for dates. That is all I can see. Don't be such a worrywart." He said and I know he was just trying to enlighten me up. Huh, if only he knows._

_"I can't help it, Kaoru." I said. Then we both sighed for different reasons. _

_ "Well then, I'll talk to her. Perhaps I can be of any help, after all, this is for Oniisan's happiness." He said bitterly and I just looked at him in awe._

_Eventually, I concluded that Kaoru has suddenly changed to someone whom I don't know. To know this fact is much more terrifying._

* * *

_I cleared my throat before I decided to enter the restaurant where Haruhi patiently sat. She earnestly looked around inside the luxurious area. And I saw her for several times watching her wristwatch as she was obviously waiting for someone. _

_Then she frowned when she saw me walking towards her table. She seemed surprised in a way._

_"Hi, Haruhi!" I greeted and I was obviously nervous. I glanced outside the translucent glass and I saw Kaoru in disguise with his back resting on a parked car. When I sat on the opposite side of Haruhi, I saw Kaoru raising his right thumb and he smiled for good luck. Somehow, what I'm doing has worsened everything. In some way, seeing Kaoru cheering me for someone else hurt in a major way. I'm such a fool. I planned this, right? So what's with the sudden regret?_

_"So this is all about?" she started, "Kaoru told me to wait here since someone might employ me for a part time job. I didn't think it was you of all people."_

_"Ah, he said that? I'm sorry for his lie, I just wanted to have dinner with you and he wanted to help me. But since it turned out this way, I may as well employ you someday when it is seriously necessary."_

_"Well, I kindly refuse now the offer. I don't want an employer who happens to be my classmate, Hikaru." _

_"If you say so, anyway, let's order now shall we Haruhi? Order as you please and don't worry since I'm the one to pay for everything." I smiled as I called the nearby waiter._

_"I love crabs. And I eat a lot of it. So I hope you wouldn't regret, Hikaru." She informed and there was a great smile behind her big brown eyes._

_"This is just the beginning of our fruitful relationship, Haruhi." I answered and perhaps she didn't hear since she was occupied in selecting dishes on the menu. _

* * *

_"Haruhi!" I called when I saw her walking on the lobby, as always, she was packed with many books in her hands. I went to her and grab some of the books she held, "Let me help you with this. Where are you going to put these, anyway?" _

_"I'll bring it home. I borrowed some at the library." She answered as we both entered our classroom. Then I stared at her unbelievably, "You're going to read all of these? Will these even fit in your bag?"_

_"It will if I wanted to. By the way, why are you tailing me every now and then Hikaru? Where's Kaoru? You're supposedly by his side now, rumors say you two are inseparable. However, even without the rumors, I know myself that you can't live without your twin."_

_"You're shrewd as always, Haruhi." I commented as I piled the books on her desk. "That's why I like you." _

_"Geez, where's Kaoru? Perhaps I'm imagining things but, I noticed that recently, you two are often not sticking around as usual. Is there something wrong?" she asked and I was sighing. _

_I sat one of the chairs and shrugged my shoulders, then I sighed as I went to stare outside the window, "He's inside the club I presume. Recently, Kaoru seems not in his usual self. He's not even sweet to me unlike before, and I feel like being insulted since Kaoru prefers his damn pen and note over me."_

_"That's why you are here pestering me so you can retaliate back to Kaoru, is it?"_

_"That's not it, Haruhi. I wanted to get close to you in the first place." I pouted as I stared at her._

_"Well, for what reason?"_

_Ah, she's cornering me. I was silent for awhile. "Because I love you."_

_"I don't believe you, Hikaru." She said without even a sign of hesitation, "All I know is that there's something odd happening between you and Kaoru."_

_"You might be right." I said in a bitter voice._

_"I am right." She said with confidence. "But whatever the reason is, I cannot understand it since I don't have a sibling. I don't even know what it feels like to have one." _

_I turned to look at her, and I don't know if she'd be able to notice the pain in my voice. "Do you know Haruhi? How was it like back when Kaoru and I were still kids? To us, we have our own paradise. And as the older brother I must protect that paradise we once built, I have to make sure that everything's fine so that Kaoru won't feel lonely again. But I guess, too much protection can also cause harm. But even knowing that, I just can't stop myself, and I'm so desperate to finish what I have started."_

_"You worry too much, Hikaru. The fear has eaten up all of your confidence." she commented._

_"You really think so?" I said then I cleared my throat. "Why are we talking about Kaoru and me? We're supposedly talking about us."_

_"As far as I'm concerned, and to be honestly speaking, there are no us, Hikaru." She said while opening her bag so she can put the books inside._

_"You're so mean, Haruhi." I grunted._

_"Not as mean as you are, Hikaru." She said and somehow I think, Haruhi knows a lot about me. And it was nerve-racking. _

_"Why do you say so?" I asked, resting my chin on my knuckles._

_"Let's just say, it's my specialty to read people, Hikaru." She curved her lips for a genuine smile, then she went to close her bag._

_For the first time since I know her, this was the day I honestly admire Haruhi and I admit that she is a nice person after all. I couldn't imagine myself why I'm using her to pull Kaoru back to me. But I guess, when you love someone, others become your last priority. _

_She turned her back and started to walk, but I called her. "Haruhi,"_

_"Yes?" she looked back and I added, "Something's bothering my brother, don't you think so too?"_

_"Why don't you ask him yourself?"_

_"I can't. I'm afraid so, I can't." I bowed down my head and I was agonizing, the fear has eaten up my confidence, just like what Haruhi had said._

_"You can't ash him since you are afraid that he'll ask you back, right Hikaru?" with that, I was simply agape. _

_"Sometimes, too much love can blind the heart." that were the last words from her before she was completely gone out of my sight._

_Too much love can blind the heart, huh._

_I never heard that before. _

_

* * *

_

End note: Argh! I couldn't make it any longer this time! This part was supposedly the last part of Hikaru's diary content, but unfortunately, I couldn't finish it in one chapter this time. So I take back my words and expect more chapters for Hikaru's POV. In fact, I wasn't able to write longer chapter this time since I was sick and was bedridden for a week.

Bad news! My laptop is malfunctioning! When I try to run it, it will mysteriously shut down in the next few seconds! Uwah, my laptop! It's where i write fanfictions and everything else! So believe me or not, I cannot be certain when to post the chapters again-whether I want it or not, my chapters are affected! So yeah, expect for more delays. Sorry guys. But I'll try my best!


	18. Chapter 18

I'm back again, Minna-sama! I'm sorry for the delayed updates, I think I stated before the reason why. Anyway, let's all celebrate—new chapter is here! And whee, I may not have my laptop now since it was broken, but, I have my NEW notebook! Ohohoho! Although I prefer my old laptop since it's more comfortable and bigger but, I have no choice! I'm still thankful that my Dad bought me a new one—but a smaller one this time—ahaha (^O^) Anyhow, at least I can continue in writing my fanfictions again. But I still have foes, TIME and SCHOOL. Lol.

My beta is not yet back, so I guess, I might continue posting unbeta'd chapters again. And oh, thank you guys for the heartwarming reviews! Hikaru and Kaoru need it so much!

Note: Since I don't know the twins' father's name, I did just make a false one. There is some point there which I needed to state their father's name, however, I don't know the name and I fail to research it. So, if you guys know the name then please notify me. So I can edit it.

* * *

**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter 18

* * *

_On August 4__th__, a year later after Haruhi Fujioka came into light, I received a call and a message from the Hitachiin's family head, Kazuki HItachiin. He might be our biological father, but to me, in our case, to call him a _father_ is not even worth it. For me it is just a title. But to show some respect, and for moralities' sake, that at least, I should just pretend in some occasion and address him that way. After all, I still have some morals. If my opinion about him is as important as water in everyday life, then I could say, without shame, that to him, the only reason for our existences is that we are his successors. _

_He views us as his own possession, his special pets, a tool for his own successful career and reputation. He thought we are his puppets. But he thought wrong. As long as I'm breathing his selfish plans for us won't work out._

_We are his sons and he took that advantage to take control over us, to mold us into something he wanted us to be, disregarding our own decisions and desires in life. Not that I care. In fact, I don't even have an ambition. _

_A high quality education doesn't give me impression, and the current status of our lives and our way of living—as part of the society's well-known family—doesn't actually matter to me. _

_I have riches. And I live under a marvelous mansion with a complete pack of servants. At age five, I opened my own bank account and have owned credit cards of about five, and every year since then it increases in number. But I honestly admit, since this is the truth anyway, all of those opulence aren't mine. The riches and everything and even those personal servants aren't mine. Neither mine nor Kaoru's. They all belong to our father. _

_However, there is someone I delusively thought and have claimed as my only treasure ever on this world. And that is, my twin brother Kaoru. I believed, or rather say, I wanted to believe that Kaoru isn't for everyone but for a certain someone,_

—_me. _

_I've grown up believing it was our parent's fault that I've become so inclined to Kaoru, which sometimes led me to some point that I might die without him by my side. And that was proven true. Without Kaoru, I am nothing, I am no one. _

_Our parents could give us anything, they have been providing us all the material things that money could easily buy, but they lack of one relevant thing. Time. _

_Due to their lack of time with us, they then slowly missed everything. And because they didn't have time even to just eat dinner with us they had failed to give us love and care that every parent should have. _

_But my father, our father, doesn't seem to know how exactly it feels to have some time together with his sons. He only cares for his stupid work, and business is what matters to him most. Same goes to my mother, to her, her fashion is her life. Although I don't hate her, I would still say that she's self-centered. I have come to conclude that when she married our father she wasn't actually prepared. But that's quite understandable when it comes to fixed marriage. She was young then and lovely. I understand the point that she didn't have any idea or experiences of how to deal the marriage's package— children. It seemed that no one taught her how. _

_I can somehow imagine her point of view. 'Why would she waste her precious time in raising her two sons when she can hire someone else to do the task?'_

_But anyway, as what as I have said, I don't hate my mother. But I actually pity her. She's so pitiful to have my father as her husband. Really pitiful…_

_I have said longer enough than I expected. The real thing is, on August 4__th__, Saturday, when most people have free time and off from their jobs, when everyone goes somewhere else especially in town, town parks, malls, markets and wherever else, I, on the other hand had invited Haruhi for a date. But in actuality, the reason why I asked her out was only an alibi in order to gain time with Kaoru—who hesitantly accept it at first, but agreed eventually. _

_Why? Recently, no, not recently, but for almost a year Kaoru and I rarely go out together. I'm not always around in the mansion, and when I'm free, Kaoru won't even bother to talk to me. Since he thought I'm always with Haruhi whenever I'm not at home, Kaoru has then started to refuse my invitation whenever I ask him out, and would just say, "Just ask Haruhi, she'll be happy." _

_And whenever I answer him, "We went out yesterday," he'd straightforwardly reply, "Yesterday is not the same as today, Hikaru." _

_I don't know what he truly means, but I just have the feeling that he means something else, something that was deeper in meaning. Something that has troubled me. But before I could even open my mouth to reply back, he suddenly turned around and locked himself inside his room. _

_But being persistent as I am, I would beg him the day after, saying all the impossible things which I could make possible just to force him to come with me. His weakness? Haruhi. Or so what I'd believe._

_As for Haruhi, she knew that I'm just using her, but regardless of that, she remained friendly to me especially to Kaoru. At once she confronted me, that I'm the meanest person she has ever met, which was arguably true. I told Haruhi everything. I never missed any, even my Dad's plan to separate us, Haruhi knows it already. She knew in the first place that I'm in love with Kaoru, I don't know how she did notice, but she's a very brilliant observant. I don't know when either. But she knows. I don't know what kind of supernatural power she has, but she noticed my incest feelings towards my brother. And it's quite creepy to know the fact that someone knows my secret. _

Perhaps I'm just pretty obvious.

Whatever.

_She said so many, commented so many, but this was the only phrase from her that had struck me, she said, "You're as pitiful as your mother, Hikaru. Trap in a situation you can't change back, really pitiful."_

_I told her, "And so are you." Then she would keep silent. _

_I lost track again. But anyway, it was on August 4__th__ when I first took my courage to ask Kaoru what he was writing on his note. It was the day when I had invited Haruhi for a date, and Kaoru was with us. Since I forced him to accompany me. _

_I was peeking on his shoulder then I asked, "What are you writing, Kaoru?"_

"_Nothing valuable. Just trying to kill the boredom." He answered and I was dumbstruck. I was expecting another answer, but that's what he had replied. _

_I knitted my brows in bewilderment, in shock, and not in anger. Someone might misunderstand this expression but, I'm just merely lost. He was not even glancing at me. I was alarmed. I was always intrigued with what he was writing all about, but it never came into my thoughts that he's feeling bored when he's with me. _

"_Boredom?" I asked. I can't imagine his words, I can't put them into pieces. I'm not even sure if I heard it right. But it sounded real like…._

_Boredom. I cause boredom to him? Since when? _

"_Since when did you get bored while you're with me, Kaoru?" my tone sounded harsh and rampant, my chest tightening in a sudden ache. _

_It took a brief moment for him to answer me, and with that, I noticed that he's trying to create a more coherent words to answer my question, and that without hurting my feelings. But he's already hurting me even long before he could form an answer, which I know would be just an obvious white lie anyway. _

"_I don't know. I'm just bored now." He answered and I was stiffened. I tried to peek into his notes but he had it closed. Our eyes then met._

_I stared at him and he stared back at me. We're both in awe. It was only for a brief moment, but for some reason that I would find it hard to explain, in that certain moment, when we stared to each other, it awkwardly felt like we were staring to a complete_

—_stranger. I was frightened from what I've just seen in his eyes. I was scared since I noticed something I shouldn't have._

_And I succumbed. And said, "Fine!" My voice was trembling like I'm mad, although I was actually horrified, then I added, "If you don't want to share it with me then fine, who cares. I'll just go to Haruhi then." _

_I stomped away and went to Haruhi. I sat beside her as I clenched my fists, my perturbed mind was immediately pondering why it had ended that way. I used Haruhi as my alibi again and as always. I'm the worst. _

_Then I palmed my face so regretfully. So remorsefully._

_I have realized something I missed over the past year. _

_In other words, in my desperation to pull Kaoru back to me, much closer to me, and due to my ideals to have him all for myself—to make him depend only to me—I had missed this certain reality: what I was doing was actually pushing him away. _

_It has worsened everything. And the truth is, it was me who ended up in depending only to Kaoru. It was me who depends only to him. _

_I always thought that, just like what Dad had said, since Kaoru's easy to handle then I can manipulate him. Understanding Dad's theory, to manipulate Kaoru or even me was nothing less than a business deal. But to me, the only reason why I wanted to manipulate Kaoru was to have him all for myself—for my own selfish satisfactory! And come to think of it, it makes me even worse than Dad! I'm disgusted to myself._

_It didn't occur in my thoughts that the more I forced things into my own way, the more I wanted Kaoru, was the more I am pushing him away from my grip. _

_The more I love him, the more I become so desperate. With that, I didn't notice that we were slowly becoming strangers to each other. A pathetic result to my pathetic desperation._

"_Something happened?" Haruhi almost made my heart jumped in surprise._

_But I shook my head and I fake a laugh a second after, I was staring to nowhere, "Do you think I'm stupid?" My question bewildered her but my pathetic senseless laugh has bothered her even more._

_I was laughing without a reason, she answered, "Yeah. Stupid persons do laugh like that. "_

_I was then silent. Why did I laugh anyway? Was it to hide my fear or just to pretend that I have nothing to be worried about? _

"_Perchance." I answered instead._

"_But someone who pretends to be stupid is much more stupid. So which one are you, Hikaru? The stupid one or the pretentious one?" she asked and I looked at her. Her big brown eyes were as if engulfing my whole being. _

"_Both, I guess." I replied just in time my phone rang._

"_Then you're abnormal." I heard her say but I didn't bother since I was bemused by the name that had appeared on my screen. Dad was calling. _

_But I didn't answer his call. It wasn't necessary._

"_You aren't going to answer the call?" Haruhi enquired. _

"_Isn't it obvious?"_

"_I'm just curious."_

"_Well, I know he wants something from me without even answering it. Pretty obvious." I said as I put my phone back into my coat pocket. _

"_Oh, you're a mind reader now." She gave an emphasis on her "ooh" sound. I stood up as I uttered, "Drinks Haruhi?" But I was just trying to change the topic. _

"_I would love to. But you must pay for it." she smiled widely. _

_T_T_

_When I came back from the nearby convenience store, I saw Kaoru talking to Haruhi. At first, I couldn't fathom nor read his facial expressions, but when Haruhi smiled at him Kaoru's complexion became fair in a sudden. As usual, my twin brother couldn't deny the fact that he has some sort of fondness towards Haruhi Fujioka. _

_Haruhi was the first female friend Kaoru and I ever have, and besides that, she's the only one who could actually tell us apart. So I guess, it's only natural if Kaoru likes her. However, why do I feel so jealous? I know that Haruhi doesn't like Kaoru the way I do, but why am I still doubtful to her? And to his feelings? It must be paranoia. It was I who needed a certain psychiatrist._

_I'm absolutely a pathetic lonely guy. A possessive one you may add. _

_I composed myself but ended up in clenching both of my fists against the cans, "Haruhi!" I called and they both looked at me. Even it was her that I was calling my eyes were directed towards Kaoru, trying to read what's on his mind, but had failed when he bowed down his head. _

_I sat beside Haruhi after I gave them their share of can drinks, and, out in the corner of my eyes, I saw Kaoru making his timid move to distance himself away from Haruhi. Or away from me. I don't know which one of us he was so anxious and uncomfortable about. _

_After a moment that seemed like forever, Haruhi and I were both laughing and Kaoru was beside us, still scribbling something on his notes. Then my phone rang. I fumbled inside my pocket. _

_This time it's a message._

_I flipped my phone open and clicked the message sent by Dad, it says,_

Kaoru, your fiancé has finally arrived, Lady Marianette. She's anticipating that you'd pick her up at the airport. Don't make her wait, and, arrange a dinner with her tonight. You know the rest. Be nice to her.

-Dad.

I grimaced. 'I hate August 4th. I hate that day. Really.'

_I took a sigh before I stood up. Then I made my excuse to Haruhi. _

"_What about Kaoru? Are you not going to say to him that you're going somewhere?" She asked._

"_He doesn't need to know." I said._

"_He doesn't need to know or you just don't want him to know?" _

"_Both." I answered then she narrowed her eyes, as if she was calculating my reasons if real or not. Then a bright bulb knocked my mind, cutting her upset mind. _

"_Ah, I would prefer to have you come with me. No, I mean, you're coming with me Haruhi." I uttered, but it was more likely stating a command than a friendly request._

"_Why would I?" her tone was sarcastic._

"_Because I'll pay your debts if you would." _

"_All?" her eyes twinkled in the next few seconds, interest written all over her face. _

"_Including Kyoya's." I reassured. Then Haruhi graciously stood up, "To where?"_

"_Airport."_


	19. Chapter 19

A/n: Ah...it has been a long time since I last updated this story, sorry guys! I've been busy at school and etcetera...Hope you'll fogrgive me. Anyway, be glad that a new chapter is here! HOrah! Although this is not beta'd yet. I lost communication with my beta reader, she hasn't messaged me yet, perhaps she's busy and I don't want to become a burden to her. Please rate and comment afterwards! Xoxo!

* * *

**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter Nineteen

* * *

_As far as I can remember, Lady Marianette's arrival in Japan was firstly announced by my father last year, a month before the school year at Ouran High had started. However, due to some circumstances, as to what particular reasons I have no care, the lady's visit was subsequently cancelled. It was a year ago, precisely._

_But today was different. She finally came. I don't know how to face her though without making her notice it, but I premise that perhaps she won't actually distinguish me from my twin brother Kaoru. After all, she has never met Kaoru in person before. Neither do I._

_Never did I expect to see her and even so it isn't my priority, but on the contrary, meeting the lady is part of my plan. I invited Haruhi to come with me to the airport, presuming that she might be a big help, but in the end I left her at the restaurant wherein we're going to dine all because she eventually back out coming with me. It's better that way, however. I was thinking that while she's alone there, she could recite and practice some script perfectly for later. She's intelligent anyway, so I expect more from her, and that includes her being a good actress. No?_

_When I got to the airport, and the moment I had my eyes laid upon that mademoiselle, Lady Marianette, I immediately conceived first impressions. She's incredibly beautiful and stunning; I have nothing to argue with that. Although it was wrong to prejudice but at the back of my mind, I could tell, she's arrogant and spoiled._

_I went to her and greeted her. Her smile was so feminine but was lacking full scope. She's elegant and very noble and each of her movement was done in an etiquette way. As if her actions and responses were perfectly planned to perform from the very beginning. A lady so opposite from Haruhi. _

_A lady that I, indubitably, doesn't want Kaoru to marry. _

_Kaoru won't find __**joy**__ living with this kind of girl._

_While we're inside the black sedan, and I was the one driving, she never stopped muttering about how excited she was to meet me in person. Well, she actually meant Kaoru. And funny was that, she thought, —no, she truly believed that I was Kaoru. _

_It didn't surprise me though. It's a common mistake done even by our own parents._

_At first, I find it hard to ponder why she likes Kaoru more than I, when in fact, she haven't met __**us**__ before. Only pictures. How can she fall in love to a person she doesn't even know? A person she just now met personally? She's weird. However, I presumed that, and that if my deductions were correct, it was the amazing effect of the gossips and rumors. Gee._

_Kaoru's kind. Hikaru's selfish and blah blah blah. See? We're two different individuals after all. _

_But who cares about the rumors? I obviously don't care about anything but Kaoru. So those stupid rumors about my unnatural personality don't move me nor had put me down. I am for what I am. And I simply live for a reason, and that is, to make sure that my brother is in good hands. Those hands? Are mine. _

_In my hands, within my possible reach, I am confident that Kaoru is safe and protected. Within my hands, Kaoru can be certain that he'll not be left alone for I will stay at his side, forever. Kaoru can be certain that these two hands will never let him go, these two hands will be forever his. And his alone._

_I might be exceedingly selfish. In fact, I am selfish. My love for Kaoru has gone beyond limits that it might be scary to other people's point of view. Obsession? No. I'm just __**perfectly**__ in love with my own brother. Brotherly-love complex? Huh. Call it whatever you want, call me crazy, mad or some kind of emo, but I tell you for certain that when you love someone so deeply, it is when you can relate to my feelings. And I tell you, it is troublesome to have this kind of feeling. But if it's for Kaoru, I can turn difficult to moderate._

_Upon reaching the restaurant, there, we saw Haruhi who patiently sat at the reserved table. When I ushered the lady towards the table where Haruhi was seating, she bluntly asked me, in a tone that was sarcastic and frank, _

"_Who's this girl?"_

_She was staring stonily at Haruhi who can't do anything for the moment but just fake a genuine smile. As expected from her though. _

"_She's Haruhi, my lady." I answered then seated next to her. _

_Haruhi shook her head in a way to tell me that she's still not agreeing to my plan. But she sighed anyway, since she knew that she can't do anything but go on with the flow. She couldn't care less._

"_Haruhi, this is Lady Marianette." I started to introduce to stick with politeness. _

_Haruhi offered her hands to the lady and started, "Nice meeting you, Lady Marianette. I heard a lot about you from Kaoru." _Good start.

_I wasn't really surprised when the said lady didn't take Haruhi's hands for a handshake. Instead, she said in disdain, glancing once again at me, "I thought, my dear Kaoru, that we're going to have a dinner just the two of us. What's a commoner, such hers, doing in a place like this?" _

_Haruhi grimaced and was about to launch, but shockingly, she had managed to control her emerging emotions so unlikely from what I have known her. If I were her, to ignore my hands was fine but, to insult me so straightforwardly? That's a different story. If I was Haruhi, and this lady has happened to be a guy, then I would likely punch him straight to his face. But in Haruhi's case, she remained relaxed._

_But I never thought that, a lady nurtured with etiquette manners, would have some hidden impolite attitude towards other people, especially to commoners. This has surprised me. Somehow, I feel guilty that I dragged Haruhi into this, what the lady had said might have injured her deep within, even though she hasn't shown any reaction. Still, Haruhi's pride was injured._

_She'll use a counterattack though, was what I thought. Since the Haruhi I know is not the type of person who would let others to just look down on her. I'm still anticipating that she'll defend herself, though._

"_I might be a commoner, my lady, but this commoner is more capable of doing things that you yourself can't even do. I can do more than you can possibly imagine. And, to just let you know, this commoner has captured the person's heart who sat next to you." her smile was turning sinister. _

_See? You know what I mean._

_I wanted to laugh at her blatant reply. In fact, I was laughing inside. NO, I was not laughing because her answer was funny, I laughed because her answer was just so perfect! It was the Haruhi I know! I was not wrong when I said she would answer back. Not until she's retaliated. _

_I saw the lady's sour reaction. She was taken aback and her mouth was half open. She was grabbing my arm as she said irately, "Kaoru, who's this girl? Did you hear her? She just insulted me! And what was she saying? She's captured your heart?"_

_I took her hands from my arm and said, "What she said was not to insult you, my lady. But to let you know that she's not here for trouble, she's here for a reason."_

"_What are you saying, my dear Kaoru?" Lady Marianette's tone became suddenly suspicious. Her small eyes became suddenly wide._

"_Look, my dear lady, I appreciate that you like me even before we have met. But I must not tolerate such feelings when I, on the other hand, have someone else I like." I said firmly, and I saw at the corner of my eyes that Haruhi was shaking her head, sighing you may add._

_It took for a moment before she analyzed my words in her mind. Then, the next minute she looked so devastated. _

_She stood up, "What are you saying, my dear Kaoru? What is the meaning of this?" _

_I followed her deed, then I took her right hand and went to kiss her before I kneeled, "I sincerely apologize for this, my lady, I know this has surprised you. But, as I said, I can't tolerate your feelings to grow even deeper. I am in love with someone else."_

_She was pointing her forefinger at Haruhi, then, in a raging but controlled voice, she cried, "Is she's the one you're in love with?" _

_I didn't answer but she took that silence as a yes. She grabbed my chin and slapped me on my right cheek, then she came to slap the other as she said, "You're going to suffer for this great humiliation you brought into me, Kaoru Hitachiin! I'll tell Daddy about this!" _

_She was crying and was blushing red in embarrassment due to my direct and blatant rejection, then she exited the restaurant without saying anything to Haruhi. Those people who were also inside the restaurant were bemused as they stared at me, some were whispering as they continued exchanging their awful stares to me and then to Haruhi. _

_I saw Haruhi's unfathomable expression. But I could still see the agitation on her face that's nearly telling me like, "See, I told you already."_

_I was not ashamed to what I have done. I was not embarrassed that I have been slapped on my face in front of many people, whose some might have known me in particular. But I didn't regret. However, I feel guilty the fact that I dragged Haruhi into this situation, whether I accept it or not, Haruhi's now a part of it._

_And it was the only mistake I have taken._

_I was thinking, "How far can I go just to protect my relationship with Kaoru?" _

_T_T_

"_Kaoru!" I shouted as I entered his room. I saw him standing near the windows. _

_I was anxious on how to start a conversation with him. It has been awhile since Kaoru talked to me for a longer time. And I was still preoccupied with what had happened back there in the restaurant. And somehow, right there at the moment, when Kaoru turned to look at me, I was thinking that I might tell him about everything. I wanted to tell him. Everything. _

_When he looked at with a worried face, I nearly succumbed. That's it, I really wanted to tell him about my feelings. Right there, right then, I wanted to hug him and imprison him within my arms, and never let him go. _

_Right at that moment, I wanted to run next to him and grab him with all my care, saying, "It's alright, Kaoru. Everything went according to my plan. We will be alright now. No one will interfere. It's alright, Kaoru. I am here to love you till the rest of our lives. It's alright Kaoru, I won't ever leave your side." _

_But all of those thoughts broke suddenly when reality had immediately tore my heart, "ONIISAN, you were so mean back there. How could you leave your twin just like that?"_

_That brief moment, for after so long, I have felt like I've finally woke up from my dream. The sole dream that I created one-sidedly. I loved Kaoru so much, I loved him with all my heart, I loved him more than my own life, I loved him very much that I almost forgot….habitually forgot….that we're brothers. _

_Twins._

_With Kaoru saying it, while he would keep calling me oniisan, then how….how can I confess to him and say, "I love you Kaoru."? _

_How can I possibly destroy his kindness? His life? How can I ruin my brother-like figure towards him? _

_Frightened as I was, I realized, I still can't confess to him. _

_I'm still not ready to face the possible consequences if I ever tell him that I love him not as my brother. I'm still not prepared to handle the possible outcomes that might turn out wrong. I couldn't possibly imagine that after all these years, after all those efforts, I remained a coward. I am actually a coward._

_I couldn't say anything. I was hurt by my own feelings. I was hurt by my own actions. I felt like I wanted to scratch out my heart and sealed my emotions, I didn't even realize that my mouth opened as if by itself and said, _

"_Why did you tell it to Haruhi?"_

"_Tell what?" he asked innocently as he pulled his arms back, and I didn't notice that I was actually grabbing him unconsciously._

"_You told her I forced you to come with us. Do you want to ruin my-soon-to-be relationship with her?" he was pulling his arms back but I wasn't letting him. I don't want to let him go, he was in my grip, and just a little more of this I would be hugging him. I wanted to hug him, pull him closer and kiss him, locked him inside my wanting arms and caress his soft delicate white skin. My desires about him upsurge even more. Feeling his warm skin next to mine has troubled me so much. I haven't realized that I was tightening my hold onto him. _

_I was afraid to let him go. But I was more scared that I might do something to him I might regret later._

_I am losing my control. My breaths were starting to become uneven. Would he notice?_

"_How could I? I didn't tell her. She figured it out herself. She answered her own questions. That's all." He replied with his trembling voice, and he was locking his stares at mine…as I stare to him longer I felt like tugging him, lavished his kissable lips right there. _

_When he hadn't turned to look away, I did. I was scared I might attack him, he would be scared of me then. He might even despise me. Oh god, what should I do with these feelings? _

_Thump._

_Thump. Thump. Thump. _

'_Should I tell him? Should I tell him about my feelings? Won't he be scared?'_

_He might get mad at me. He might despise me. He might push me away. _

_He might feel disgust. And I'm not prepared to lose him because of that. Oh god, what should I do with these feelings?_

"_I-is that so? But still, you must apologize to her tomorrow. Tell her that you really wanted to come with us. Tell her you just wanted to witness how happy I was while I'm with her. Don't make her blame herself just because you got bored!" I'm mad. I really am._

_He didn't reply so I yelled, "Kaoru!" _

_What am I… _

"_Promise me that you'd apologize to Haruhi tomorrow!"_

…_saying? _

"_I will Hikaru. Don't worry, everything will be alright. Haruhi would not dump you just because of that. Geez."_

_Geez. Geez my ass, it hurts. Damn it._

"_Ah, Kaoru. Thanks." I'm troublesome. I'm the worst. I hate myself now. My mouth and words and feelings don't make sense at all. _

_He was smiling but I know he was forcing it. But then again, all I could do was to hug him—tight. I was hugging him, tugging him closer to me, but my thoughts were suddenly running wild again—kiss him, caress him, touch him, l wanted to lick and taste him, completely devour him….feel him…fuck him-Fuck! _

_I pulled out from the embrace and I found it hard to restrain myself. What am I thinking again, such perverted thoughts again! But I can't control it whenever I touch him for longer than a second! That's why I do not want to touch him for a longer….because I might not be able to hold back. Oh god. _

_I tried to relax my muscles as I patted him before I might do something else, "Sorry if I suddenly grabbed your hand. And sorry that I left you behind, I swear, I wouldn't do it again. I forgot you were there with us." I'm totally the worst. How can I say such words when in fact, he's all inside my mind every second? Sometimes, my mouth does slip words I do not want but cannot take back._

_I saw the saddened expression on his face, I know I had offended and hurt his feelings. I swear it was not my intent. I swear I should have cut my tongue the next time I say those words. How dare I say that I forgot him? _

_But he stuck out his tongue and winked at me, he was trying to reassure me again. He was trying to pretend he's alright again, always trying to show to me that he's strong. "Hey, it's okay. We're twins, remember?"_

_We're twins, remember. It is in fact, nothing but the truth. We're twins. And that fact, this reality, is driving me crazy. When Kaoru keeps saying it to me, I sometimes feel like I'm out of soul, like there's no hope for tomorrow. I feel saddened. I dropped down my shoulders and I was facing down, bangs covering my sorrowful eyes, not wanting him to see these miserable eyes, "Yeah. Anyway, that's all." _

_I turned around and walked out of his room. _

_Sometimes, I've thought..._

_...why am I still pursuing my plans when I'm not even sure if Kaoru would return back my feelings? _

_T_T_


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: **Sasshiburi ne minnasan! Please forgive me for not updating chapters anymore, truly I am apologizing. I'm currently in my 2nd semester already and college life has been the main root why I couldn't have MORE free time anymore. But it doesn't mean I'll be gone in FF forever, however, I couldn't state a promise when will be the next update for this story. But soon enough I think, since I know you are too eager to know what will happen next, especially since we are already in the peak of the story. I myself am excited too, I am way too excited to finish this story and make you all happy. And oh, you might really want to kill me after reading this chapter, I suppose though. XD. Thanks for everyone for having so much patience in waiting for my updates! Thanks for loving this story. I know Hikaru and Kaoru will be happy too. ^^

I'll be encouraged if I get more reviews. Tehee! ~.*

**Added Notes:** To my readers of "Love is On Fire", a Kutoshitsuji fanfic, and to my other stories, please forgive me for not updating them anymore. I am way too busy this year, ugh, but it doesn't mean I'll be gone in FF forever. However, I couldn't state a promise when will be the next installation of the next chapters, T_T, since I myself don't know when. But I can, perhaps, assure you that I'll be updating LOF within this month! If not, you are free to spam me tons of death threat emails! ^^

**Note:** This is not betad. Gomen.

* * *

**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter Twenty

* * *

_When I entered my room I was totally distraught. I don't know what to do anymore. _

_I succeeded in kicking out Lady Marianette from our lives. I fooled Dad. I deceived Kaoru. I used Haruhi. I lied to myself. _

_Which part of me is not yet tainted? What part of me that is still good? I'm immoral. I fell in love with my own brother, and we're both men. I'm disgusting. I'm selfish. I don't want anyone but Kaoru, that's why I wanted to make Kaoru to look at me the same way as I do to him. But it's the funniest yet the hardest part of it all. _

_I downheartedly walked towards my bed, and I was careful not to stumble since I didn't turn on the lights. Then as I went to stand at the edge of my bed I was surprised when the light was suddenly turned on, and, as I managed to rub my eyes I saw Dad's firm appearance. _

"_A surprise visit, huh, Papa?" my gloomy voice echoed the melancholic room. _

"_It is surprising to know that you two have separate rooms this time." My father said then he was in front of me, I didn't give a damn to care when he did, but, "Hikaru." I was then surprised. Nonetheless I grinned, who cares if he got the name right this time? I can pretend otherwise and he'll foolishly believe it. That's how it has always been. _

"_You got it wrong, Papa. Hikaru is in the other room." I said, before I could even blink my eyes I received a fisted hand directly hard on my right cheek. I lost my balance and stumbled onto the floor, cupping my cheek that might be red from the sudden contact, I mystified, "What's wrong, Papa?"_

"_You naughty, disrespectful son! I see that you still have guts to call me Papa, after all you've done?" He was raging in anger and I have this unease feeling building up inside me. _

_I stood up and asked, "What are you saying, Papa? You came here just to hit me on my face, after all _these_ years, why now? For what reason?" _

"_Insolent child! You've been deceiving me for so long, haven't you? Just because you two look identical you used it to fool me and pretend you're Kaoru?"_

_I was in awe. Shock painted all over my face. _

_But I managed to regain back casual myself, I then smiled menacingly, "Yeah, I'm Hikaru. Had I been happier if you noticed it right from the beginning, my dear Father. This is the first time you got it right. How miraculously yet depressing turn of events." _

_A fisted hand launched onto my cheek, this time was the left, the hardest, and the most intentional punch I have ever received from somebody. It must have pained me, it must have hurt a lot, but why do I feel nothing at all?_

_I felt sticky liquid running from my nose, consequently tasted my own sinful blood, and had licked it away off my filthy lips. It tasted bittersweet. Just like my feelings towards Kaoru. _

OoOoOoOoO

"Do you intend to commit the most senseless suicide by not having sleep for five consecutive nights? You have been missing your meals, too, Kaoru. Seriously, you're more like a patient than Hikaru here."

Kyoya blurted out, sighing in a corner as he witnessed how pitiful Kaoru appeared to be when the said person had been shedding his relentless tears not just a moment ago. Kaoru was facing the cold floor, looking as if the world is going to be in its end, he sniffed as he replied, "There's no other place I can be more comfortable than here on Hikaru's side. I—I'm just fine. Here."

Kyoya snorted. "Tell that after you manage to cease your tears, god Kaoru, you have been crying ever since you've read his diary. Your tears won't change anything. You are just hurting yourself more, I cannot bear with it."

"You don't understand my feelings at all, Kyoya." Kaoru tightened his grip around Hikaru's cold hands that have been lying on the hospital bed for five nights and six days, to be precise.

"Of course I do. If not I wouldn't be here at all." Kyoya corrected as he moved closer to the bed, he was now standing at Kaoru's back who was seating beside Hikaru's bed. "Honey-senpai and the others are coming over tonight. They planned to stay overnight so you can go home and have time for yourself."

"Don't want to."

"Must have to. Don't be so stubborn this time, Kaoru. Go home, get bathed, have some sleep, and when you are able to eat meals thrice a day again, then you can get back here and cry as much as you want. The hell I care as long as you are in the proper health and condition. Looking at your state now, I can hardly think if you're able to last long."

"I don't want to leave his side, not even once. He might get panicked again when he wakes up and I'm not around."

"Sure he would, but do you think he'll like it when you are like this? Come on Kaoru, I don't like the idea of having you bedridden after long punishing yourself like this, when Hikaru wakes up you might be the one in bed, dead in exhaustion." Kyoya said as he shook his head, retreating back his hands that were almost near to hug him from his behind, bearing in mind that Kaoru might misunderstood his embrace and spoil the mood.

There was a sudden heavy moan. Then on the next seconds Kaoru was sobbing and crying again, so unmanly to see if it were to Kyoya's honest point of view, but knowing his emotions regarding the matter about Hikaru's health condition, Kyoya couldn't think less.

"I have been cruel to him…I have hurt him and cause him so much struggle and pain without noticing it, I cannot forgive myself!" Kaoru palmed his teary face, struggling himself on how to control his wavering emotions.

"You two have just committed the biggest misunderstanding, is all." Kyoya said as an encouragement, though it cannot hide the throbbing tone in his voice, indicating his sadness and perhaps, there was jealousy.

"It might be odd but, I envy Hikaru despite of how much I disapprove of his selfish and overly possessive attitude." Kyoya said, almost a whisper. "What I don't like about Hikaru is that, he's got the guts to make you cry like an idiot."

Kaoru turned to look up at him, and he saw the same sadness he is currently feeling on Kyoya's face, he knows it was partly because of him. Kyoya loved him, despite the fact that Kyoya knows he loves Hikaru most. He was about to tell something, perhaps to thank him, for being there and here, for being so kind and understanding, but then he was cut off when the door opened and Honey's cutely voice spread across the hospital room.

"Today I bring Usa-chan for Hikaruuu~!"

Kyoya cleared his throat as he looked towards Mori beside Honey. Kaoru stood up while wiping his tears away, though he knows they'll visit, he still seems to be surprise.

"I told him not to bring that _thing_ in here, to be honest, in case you'd want to ask." Mori said before Kyoya could say anything. It was one of those "rare" moments where Mori would speak longer sentences rather than his most favorite lines of 'ah' and 'uh'.

Kyoya just sighed. It's not the bunny that freaks him out, it's the fact how Honey becomes so noisy and all-that-lively whenever he has Usa-chan with him, with that matter, he would not be surprise if Hikaru wakes up from his comatose.

"These are fresh flowers and fresh fruits. It might lighten the atmosphere here and might reach Hikaru's heart, he's not in his conscious yet, but he can feel and smell is what I think." Haruhi uttered as she placed the basket full of fruits on the table, then she'd replaced the old flowers in the vase with the new ones.

"Thanks, Haruhi. You always bring flowers to Hikaru, he'll be glad." Kaoru said as he drew a smile, though the hurt is still there written on his face.

"Where's Tamaki by the way?" Kyoya inquired as he pushed up his glasses.

"Oh, he met Hikaru's attending physician in the hallway, he's got some questions." Honey answered. Kaoru turned to look at Haruhi, until now he wasn't able to ask her about Tamaki, nor to know if she had even talk to him in private. Knowing Haruhi's real feelings towards the Suoh heir, Kaoru couldn't just care less, after all, Haruhi is a good friend. Haruhi could make a good wife, in fact.

"Your mom called me last night, Kaoru." Haruhi broke the sudden silence that was nearly awkward. She turned to face the younger twin, who seemed a bit surprised at her information. "She's dead worried. She's coming and she might be here early tomorrow."

"What about Dad?" Kaoru enquired, his tone seemed suspicious. "They didn't contact me, nor did I receive calls from them. Not that I care, anyway."

"I think your Dad is unable to face Hikaru right now. Reasons unknown." Haruhi added with shrugging shoulders. "But your mother said he would follow."

Kaoru seemed upset at the thought of his Dad who's not coming over to visit his sick son. He's not close to his Dad, his Mom included, but isn't it their obligation to at least get worried about them? And his Dad…perhaps he's still holding grudge against Hikaru for deceiving him, but, didn't Hikaru paid his compensation by marrying Haruhi? The said marriage is not actually legal though. If his father would know about this faked marriage, indubitably, his Dad might not hold back his anger this time.

Hikaru's diary….and the truth that Haruhi has just recently told him, his Dad must not know it.

Kaoru's shoulders were dropped down, weariness painted all over his handsome face. _What to do?_

"Well then, let's retire for tonight everyone. Our Kaoru _here_ needs complete rest and self restoration." Kyoya said as he clapped his hands then he went to clasped them on Kaoru's shoulders. "Now, Kaoru, time to go home." Kyoya had noticed the heavy feeling Kaoru has, and he couldn't withstand seeing the young man to remain in that hopeless state.

"Kyoya I told you that I—" Kaoru retorted but the four-eyed guy halted him by placing his finger over his mouth.

"I don't accept excuses or any reasons at the moment, Kaoru. I am certain everyone here have the same sentiment like mine?" Kyoya said as he rolled his eyes towards Mori, Honey, and Haruhi. They all just nod.

Kaoru sighed. "Do not worry yourself Kaoru. I'll inform you as much as possible when there's a progress on Hikaru's condition while you are out tonight." Haruhi reassured.

"Kao-chan, we'll be taking good care of Hika-chan, Usa-chan will watch too." Honey said, then he turned to look at Mori with his puppy eyes, "Right, Takashi?"

"Ah." Mori retorted.

Even though Kaoru's still reluctant to leave his brother's side, just by knowing that there are kind people who are willing to partake in this kind of circumstance, Kaoru just couldn't help but smile. "Thanks, everyone. Please take good care of my brother until I get back…tomorrow."

Kyoya just said nothing.

The hospital door opened and it ejected Tamaki, everyone turned to look at him.

"Oya? I have good news and bad news. Well, it's not I actually…" He said then he has widened the door, "but the doctor here does."

OoOoOoOoO


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: **Hello my lovely readers. I feel kinda shameful that I'm back again after the absence. But anyway, belated Merry Christmas to all, and this new chapter I present this as my New Year's gift to all. Yeah, let's all happily welcome the year 2011! Haha.

Thanks to my avid readers for supporting KAORU'S NOTES till this very moment! I am happy to read enormous reviews. Hmn, I assume that there are 30 chapters more or less. There are less Hikaru's appearance and rule in this chapter but, just look forward to the next chappy and you'll find more. But first, enjoy this long chapter. Ohoho.

P.s I am truly apologizing to my readers of my others stories that were still left undone, busy as I am. I don't know which and where to start writing new chapter again, since I don't know which story I should prioritize first. But I guess, I prioritize to finish Kaoru's Notes first and foremost. If I am a multitasking computer then perchance I can write up more chapters and more updates. But anyway, hmnnn….Let's see what we've got here. Please read and rate!

Goodbye 2010, Welcome 2011!

* * *

**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter 21

* * *

"Oya? I have good news and bad news…" Everyone turned to look at the speaker, "Well, the doctor here does." He added.

Tamaki stood right in front of everyone with his unfathomable countenance, Hikaru's doctor then came to follow.

Kyoya heaved a sigh, his thoughts were loaded with tad of disappointment thinking that it was such a wrong timing for the doctor to reveal something 'whatever' it may be. And to think that he had just convinced Kaoru to go home and get rest.

Although, Kyoya has to admit, he is more than excited to know what this news were all about. What more for Kaoru then? He thought. It was an obvious question answerable by a distinct answer.

Upon hearing Tamaki saying it, Kaoru had then worriedly swift his way to face the doctor, who was on the contrary, sweating unknowingly.

"What is it, doctor? A p—progress? Please tell me the good one!" Kaoru asked in a shaking voice, more likely he's anxious and at the same time excited, to know what the doctor has to say. But then, he went to grasp his right arm tightly, and added in a low tone, "No, I mean. The bad news first, I wanted to know."

"Kao-chan…" Honey uttered, noticing the current sickening emotions Kaoru has to endure.

The doctor pushed up his glasses before he deepened his sigh, glancing at once at Tamaki who had just nodded at him, then he looked straight at Hikaru's younger twin.

"I know that everyone here, especially the patient's relative, is having a hard time concerning on Hikaru's condition. But let's all stay calm despite of everything, going wild or depress will not help anything at all."

Kaoru tightened his grip even more, this time, he seemed annoyed.

"Go straight to the point, Mr. Habaki." Tamaki urged.

The doctor cleared his throat then continued, "It is true that it's up to the patient's awakening before we could derive a final conclusion, since we mustn't do anything unnecessary that might worsen his state. But, as a doctor, I couldn't help but think of a more efficient way."

Mr. Habaki sighed before he proceeded, he looked more serious as he directed his eyes at Kaoru, "And last night, I've examined the result of the patient's x-rays and, to my dismay, I found out that the patient has blood that clogged a small part inside his brain refraining his nerves to transmit sensory functions, thus, affecting his senses that leads him to this state of unconsciousness."

Kaoru felt like someone stabbed his heart at that moment. He didn't know that blood has clogged Hikaru's brain; this case must have real bad consequences, doesn't it?

Everyone, including Kyoya, was in awe.

"Because of this your twin needs an urgent surgery." The doctor looked at Kaoru in a serious face.

"Urgent surgery?" Honey and Haruhi exclaimed in shock.

Kaoru palmed his face, and it seemed like he was trying to hold back his tears. His voice was rough as he said, "Please…do it doctor."

"I'm afraid it's not as easy as you think. I couldn't do it with just my skills,"

Kaoru stiffened. Then…

"What do you mean by that?" he yelled, now shaking the doctor's shoulders.

"You're a doctor but couldn't even trust your skills?" He fumed as he turned to Kyoya, "Kyoya, this doctor is useless after all! Don't you have anyone in your hospitals that is more reliable?"

Kyoya grabbed his hand, "Just calm down, Kaoru. He's not done yet."

"I'm asking you to replace this doctor!" Kaoru exclaimed as he slapped Kyoya's hands away. Haruhi who was listening at the corner flinched at his shout. He seemed to lose himself at the moment.

"Kaoru!" Tamaki was the one to grab him this time, his eyes were sharp, "At this moment, don't you think it's more appropriate to just listen and relax whatever the doctor has to say? Unnecessary things won't do any good."

Kaoru narrowed his eyes, not caring even if it was Tamaki, "You think my feelings are unnecessary, Tamaki-senpai?"

"If you are acting like this then it is. If your raging emotions may hinder everything then it is _indeed_ unnecessary. It cannot save Hikaru, for God's sake! Look around you, it's not just you who is worried about Hikaru here, even it was hard for Kyoya himself he keeps on supporting you yet you dare yell at him, ordering him around like he's someone your servant? You aren't the Kaoru I know." Tamaki blurted out.

Kaoru went silent. His shoulders were dropped down as he lowered his face in utter revelation, "I'm sorry."

"Just keep your temper down, Kaoru." Tamaki said.

Kyoya and the others were speechless, seconds passed and the doctor cleared his throat to speak.

"It's not my field to operate cases like this, and it's a good thing that I have a colleague from America who is willing to help us. We couldn't find doctors in the country to help with the operation at the moment, since casualties are unbelievably rising. Mr. Smith, a brain specialist doctor who happens to be arriving in Japan tomorrow will handle Mr. Hitachiin's brain surgery."

Haruhi's face lightened up and Kaoru just nodded.

"Is that all?" Kyoya was the one who asked.

"The thing is, we need Mr. Kaoru's final decision for this. The operation is urgent, and if we do this we can be certain to save Mr. Hikaru's life but the surgery will have consequences to the patient. It will affect the patient's sensory nerves, specifically, his eyes. So he'll eventually lose his sight."

Kyoya didn't avert his eyes from Kaoru when the doctor spoke, and after hearing about the bad news that will blind Hikaru he was confused when Kaoru didn't react nor move from where he was standing. The younger twin did just remain hopeless and his head was down. His breathing was uneven.

"Oh my God, oh my poor Hikaru…" Haruhi started crying on the bed.

"Mr. Hitachiin will lose his sight but in exchange of that he'll be saved. So now, if the relatives won't allow the operation because of this, then we can't guarantee another option. It's the best way to save the patient from dying."

"Oh…God." It was the only phrase that came through Kaoru's throat before he suddenly collapsed onto the white cemented floor.

"KAORU!" Kyoya screamed in surprise as he went to the limped body of Kaoru.

"He did it again." Honey embraced his bunny.

"He…he fainted unable to overcome the tough feelings, oh poor Kaoru..." Haruhi said between sobs.

"I feel so sorry for Kaoru. It must be so hard for him to handle the situation. Kyoya, take him home. He cannot rest well here." Tamaki suggested.

"I'll check his pulse first." The doctor stated but Kyoya said in a determined voice.

"It's no need, Mr. Habaki. I've checked his pulses already. He just fainted, I'll manage the rest. For now, please do anything what you can to prepare Hikaru's operation." Kyoya uttered as he carried Kaoru on his arms. Tamaki went to open the door and Kyoya glanced back before exiting, "Please, Mr. Habaki, do what you think is best," then he turned to the rest of the room, "We'll excuse ourselves now, and don't worry about Kaoru."

"If anything happens here, we'll call you." Tamaki said and then the door shut.

OoOoOoOoO

_I am playing on the sand box all alone, one boring afternoon. My Mom went to our school's meeting and she left me at the playground. I look at my right, I look at my left, everyone is busy playing on the ground. I find no friend. They are all scared of me. Literally, not to me. _

_One meter away a big guy in black is watching over me, he has cool black shades and he goes wherever I go. Though he wears shades I can still feel the scary glare of his eyes. He does not part his sight from me. My classmates are scared of him. My teacher does not even dare talk to him since he isn't answering any. _

_He is my bodyguard with no name. My parents hired him when I was two years old, back then I was kidnapped by some one who was once a friend of my Dad. It's for my protection but he's the main reason why I can't get any friends at school. Because he always ruin the atmosphere. Even though he doesn't even talk. His presence is enough to scare the hell out of them._

_He doesn't have a name but I call him Mr. Shades. Sometimes Mr. Black, or just Mister. He doesn't seem to care at all. I invited him to play with me twice, but he didn't answer me. But he talks to my Dad and Mom. He doesn't talk to me. _

_It is true I don't have a friend. I don't know how to make one. And I don't know the feeling of having one, all I know is that it's lonely and boring when I play alone. Yet, on that boring afternoon, a surprising chapter of my life has turned another page. _

_I am playing all alone on the sand box. When I heard a young voice behind me, I startled, "May I join you?"_

_I turn to look and am shock when a big revelation bestowed upon my eyes, a kid of about the same age as me is standing near to me. Near to me. But I wasn't just shock because of that, but to the horrific realization that the kid looks like me._

_I looked carefully at him. His hair is white but is cut the same as mine, his eyes are cerise but darker than mine, and his bangs are gelled. It is like I am seeing myself in a mirror. But I frown as I realized that we don't exactly look alike, because he is more manly than I am. And his face is full of merry, he reeks the smell of cheerfulness, the kind of attitude I do not have. _

"_I'm Hikaru, what's your name?" He asked as he sat beside me on the sand box._

"_Kaoru." I answered with a shaking voice. I lowered my face when I asked him, "Are you from the Hitachiin family?"_

_He laughed. "Hikaru Fujiwara is my full name, Kaoru. Don't worry, I can assure you that I'm not your long lost twin brother."_

"_It's not like that." I said, embarrassed as I filled the pail with sands._

"_Oh, I thought you were thinking that I'm your relative since we look alike." He scratched his hair. "But really, would it be better if we're actually relative? In that case, you won't be playing alone like this." He added, helping me filling the pail with sands._

_I look confusingly at him. "Are you new here?"_

"_No. I'm from the other class, 5-D. I just rarely go to school, that is. You may not have seen me often but I occasionally notice you, just like this. For a fifth grader such as yourself, it makes me wonder why you still enjoy sand boxes. Playing alone."_

_I glance at the tree where Mr. Shades is standing. He isn't crossing his arms now, meaning, Hikaru's presence is an alarming call to him. Readying himself at to whatever may happens. He has dark glasses but for some reasons I can feel his eyes going sharp._

_Hikaru caught me in a worried face. "Worrying something?"_

"_Aren't you scared of me?" I answered his question with a question. _

"_By scared, do you mean to your bodyguard?" He points his mouth at Mr. Shades. _

_I didn't answer but my silence meant yes to him. _

"_I don't find a reason why would I be scared of him. Besides, I don't usually attend my classes, which is why I don't know rumors about him and you. I don't care anyway. I just wanted to become your friend, is all." He smiled at me and for the first time in my life I feel satisfied._

_It doesn't feel right. I went to embrace my knees and said, "A year ago, things like this usually happens."_

"_Usually happens?" _

_I rested my chin over my bended knees, "One time, a boy came to me and asked if we can become friends and I was happy. He invited me to go somewhere and in that place he assaulted me. But before he could go further Mr. Shades came and saved me. I went to a psychological therapy and a month after I recovered a school bully poured water to me all because I didn't give my toy car. Mr. Shades who was always watching me from not afar rushed in and took the boy. He tied him on the tree with his head downward as a punishment. My classmates saw it, everyone saw it, and since then they started to feel scared of me. The teachers didn't say much about it since my parents cared of everything after that incident. Since then, I find it hard to mingle."_

"_Oh, that is no ordinary case. I think Mr. Shades is not scary at all, after hearing this, I see him now as a super hero. Don't you think?"_

_I stare at him dumbfounded. "I don't think so. He just does what my parents told him to. Nothing so superhero like." _

"_You seem to love being alone." He stared back at me in a soft gaze._

"_It's boring in fact. But it's better than having someone who would betray you eventually." I answered with a stern voice. _

_Though after what I have said, he still poured a wide and reassuring smile, then, he offers his hand. "Let's be friends, Kaoru." _

_I didn't take his hand, I hesitated so much. I don't think it's real. _

"_I won't eat you or something. When you need someone to talk to, just call me." He said and when I didn't it he took the initiative, in a second we shake hands. It feels warm. It's been so long since I last shake hands with somebody; even my parents don't do this kind of stuff to me. _

"_It's weird." I said as he freed my hands. _

"_Which part? Shaking hands?" He looked so funny now._

_My face goes slightly red when I said, "Talking to someone who nearly looks like me is weird, you're like a doppelganger. How can you like me as your friend?"_

_He pours a heartwarming smile, and it was that smile I won't be able to forget for the rest of my life. _

"_I'm not actually asking you to become my friend, coz you know what, we already are." Truly, I was surprised at his statement, I wasn't able to notice his face that's already so close to mine. _

"_Are you sure we're not distant relatives?"_

"_We can do blood test, if you want." He smirked._

"_No…I mean…okay. I don't remember having one who is the same age as me, anyway." _

_His face becomes closer and closer to mine. "Among millions of people all over the world, there's a 0.5% possibility that a person has a look alike. We're the persons who are under that 0.5% possibility, Kaoru. Don't you think its fate that we meet and become friends to each other?"_

_I blush though I don't know the reason why. I averted my eyes from his enticing ones, and asked, "What are you saying? You can't just befriend someone you even rarely see."_

"_Well, just so you know…" He uttered softly, I could feel his breathes on my cheeks, and his eyes were locked to mine. I couldn't blink. "Will you believe if I say that I like you the first time I saw you?"_

_His phrase struck me so much. I feel my heart beat stopped for a brief moment. He then laughed seeing my baffled reaction. "As a friend, that is!" He exclaimed. _

_He was just joking, wasn't he? Of course he was. I feel relieved and the next thing I knew I was laughing too. We both laugh so hard that Mr. Shades who is standing not afar is utterly confused, probably. _

OoOoOoOoO

I heard soft movements from the bed, it is then I closed the book for I know he is awake. I turn my swivel chair to face him who is now softly rubbing his eyes, he looks so innocent and stress-free whenever he wakes up from sleep. How I wish he is like that all the time. Free from everything. Free from pain and problems.

I push up my glasses as I put the book above my study table, next to the lampshade. Then I said, "It's no doubt you're exhausted, you've been asleep the whole day. Heh, I thought you wouldn't wake up anymore."

"Kyoya?" He asks not because he is doubtful of my identity but because he wants a confirmation if he's dreaming or not. Yes, I know his behavior. I know him a lot. It might be that I know him more than his idiot twin does. Okay, Hikaru is not an idiot, I just don't like him in general. If there's an idiot in our group, that must be me, for I keep on loving a person who will not love me in return—even if it's the end of the next World War III.

"Are you thirsty? Hungry? I cooked a dinner." I asked. I saw him shaking his head. "Come on, Kaoru."

His eyes wander off my study table, narrowing them to clarify his vision at the thing above it. "It's my book. Don't tell me…gee, it's the 20th times that you read it already." I saw his eyes widen as he looked back at me. I just grinned.

I stood up as I took the book, "Among your published novels, and including those unpublished ones, this is the only novel which I love the most." I went to put the book on my bookshelf situated next to my study table. I managed to build a shelf inside my room so that it will be much easier to me when I happen to have the urge of reading a novel. Mind me, but that shelf of mine is full of Kaoru's novels.

"I just don't understand why you like it so much, when in fact I received so many critics and bad reviews from that novel." He said, and I happen to smile. He seemed to lost awareness of Hikaru at the moment, meaning, it's only between him and me at this brief moment without having the worries towards his twin brother. Good lords. A rare precious occurrence.

I sauntered towards the bed, where he looks at me in a straight face. But beyond his eyes he is confused and weary. I know how to read his concealed reactions. If you truly love a person you will know everything of him, even to the extent you know how many times he blinks his eyes when he is nervous. In my case, I do know.

But I won't tell how many times Kaoru blinks when he's feeling nervous or scared, since it is my only treasure. And I am selfish though not most of the time. If I am greedy, Kaoru would be mine.

Knowing everything doesn't mean all good. Because the more I know Kaoru, the more visible and painful the truth is presented to me. Just like when I stare on his eyes, I see nothing but real love. Two kinds of love. Me, as a friendship love. Hikaru, as his true and eternal love.

Understanding everything doesn't mean all bad. You gain special treatments and benefits which no other can have. But sometimes, you prefer to not know everything, _it is better_ to not know everything about the person you love, because the more you know…the more you're hurt. And the more you become a hopeless idiot. In my case, I already did.

Yet I cannot return the way things were before. I cannot return the way I was before.

"Kyoya? Are you still here or something?" His voice snapped me out of my mind.

I composed my being and leaned closer to him on the bed, I narrowed my eyes as I look at his, "Are you sure you didn't forget something important? I admit it makes me glad that you weren't thinking of him at this moment, but I won't like it when you blame me later when I don't tell you things."

"Hikaru!" He exclaimed, no, he shouted. It was in a higher pitch it hurt my ears.

I know, very well, that he was so shocked and horrified at the news he had received earlier at the hospital. He was so horrified that he fainted, and when he woke up, he has a short memory loss of what has happened.

Because this person is dear to me I will keep on telling him in spite of the fact it's painful. Knowing everything and sharing it won't make me feel all good. It's entirely painful. But on the contrary, knowing everything and sharing it doesn't mean all bad.

"Thanks for bringing me back, Kyoya!" He grabs my arm and hugs me, warmly. I smelled the scent of his shampoo. It's mint. Peppermint. See? It will give you privileges that only you could have. Next to Hikaru, that is.

On the verge of my thoughts, I was, however, surprised to feel dampness on my chest. It was tears. "I…I…am shameful. How can I just forget about Hikaru?"

I went to embrace Kaoru in return, and I massaged his back. "You didn't forget him, you were just too occupied and stressed out."

One thing I hate about Hikaru in general, is that, he has the ability to make Kaoru blame his own self. Even way back to high school, when things go worst, Kaoru would blame no one but himself.

I knew this long ago:

Kaoru is _pathetically_ in love with Hikaru. And Hikaru is _abnormally_ in love with Kaoru.

**But the combination of the two is ME.**

I just couldn't understand why I allowed myself to sink in to the deepest pit, where in that pit thorns of roses were bound to hurt me. Perchance, kill me. Ah, I do not know everything after all. Coz this is the only thing I couldn't understand.

It is very hard when your enemy is yourself. You will not be able to win or lost. You are standing still at what's on the middle, and that is being in a state of equilateral. I cannot win him, yet I cannot lose him.

All I know to do is to act cool in front of the person I love. All what's left for me to do is to support Kaoru at all costs, since I have no right to predetermine Kaoru's heart.

I did ask him to become my lover and we decided to live together, and he is willing to try a new life without the concerns of Hikaru. I was happy then when he's became my partner, but that happiness was soon gone off when Hikaru engaged in a car accident. The first thought rushed in when Kaoru told me about the accident was, "At the end, we can't be lovers."

I felt fear, for I knew that this accident might lead to something I do not wish to happen. And I was right.

"I've prepared dinner, you need to stuff your stomach. Come." I said as I pulled him out of the bed. When he didn't move his feet, I was going to insist when he asks me, "What time is it?"

"Thirty minutes to nine." I answered as I glanced at my wristwatch. He pulled back his hand and looks around the room, "Where's my coat? I need to go back to the hospital, Kyoya."

I grimaced at him. That Hikaru again.

"I thought we're done with this, Kaoru." I said in a voice that sounded hoarse. It was so unfair that I always try to understand his situations, but he himself won't even care.

His eyes were pleading to me, "I have enough rest, thanks to you. But please, Hikaru needs me at this moment, Kyoya." He said then walked towards the door. But I grabbed him hard. He was shocked. His body is now close to me, and I went to his ear and whispered in jealousy, "How about me, Kaoru? If I say I _need_ you so badly right now, will you even care?"

I want him as much as Hikaru does. I love him—why can't he just pretend that he loves me too?

"Wha—Kyoya?" He stuttered when I licked his earlobe, when I traveled my hands on his waist he jerked, "Wait, Kyoya!"

He pushed me but I was quick enough to restrain his hands. I felt hot when our bodies came into contact earlier, and I'm afraid I might lose control and totally explode.

_I do accept that he can't love me the way he loves Hikaru, but, does he really need to run after Hikaru even when he has decided to live with me? Does he really need to always think of Hikaru when it is me standing at his side? Why can't he just abandon his pain and surrender his love to me? _

I grab him and forcibly push him to bed, then I went to straddle him, grinding myself to his to let him feel the bulge in my pants. We both moan. Hearing his moan for the first time excites me even more. He should have noticed now how big I am.

"What's wrong with you today, Kyoya? Please, just let me go." He stared at me straight to the eyes, can't he see the lust? The love?

"Why? You are my lover after all, have you forgotten, Kaoru?" I said, I don't know where I get those words from. This is the first time I speak to Kaoru like this. I can feel the trembling of his body. I must have gone crazy.

He went silent. But shocked is painted all over his pretty face, when he didn't answer I grasped the sheet tightly on his side, and my other free hand grabbed his chin. I feel so pitiful. I am so hurt. I don't know where to burst this anger and madness mixed with pain. I can only blame myself.

"You should not think of him right now, he'll be okay. I just want to snatch a little of your time, Kaoru."

I leaned to kiss him on his lips, I was surprised when he didn't react nor push me up. I lavished his upper lip and when he lay still I slip my tongue inside his wet cavern, I feel hot below. The inside of his warm lips is wet and hot, my tongue slick with my own saliva went in to explore. We both feel hot yet he is suppressing his moans. I want to continue kissing him forever, I want to continue pinning him defenseless and do him right here, right now. But I stopped.

I would be much happier if he is kissing me back.

I would be enjoying this had there not been tears falling from his eyes.

I stared at his cerise orbs, it were clouded with innocent tears. They were there not because he dislikes my kiss, but they were there because I _failed_ to understand him when he needs it the most.

"I thought when I explain my side you will understand, Kyoya." He started, his voice was soft and sad. "You are my lover, yes, how can I not know that when I already decided to surrender my love?"

I loosen my grip on his hand, I looked at him apologetically for my monstrous behavior. "Kaoru I—I'm…"

"I know how you are feeling. I'm sorry that I made you feel so miserable, Kyoya. But you know it yourself, Hikaru needs me right now. Was it my will to let this things happen? Please Kyoya, I just want you to understand that Hikaru's condition will not change anything. Just please, let me stay at my brother's side until I can be certain that he'll be completely okay."

I looked away and shifted to sit at the edge of the bed. I closed my eyes as I clenched my fists together, "You've read his diary. It is mutual."

The bed creaked a little when he seated behind me, he hugged me and I was waiting for his next words. I knew it. I am well prepared for this even from the start. Even when he decided to live with me, I knew this moment will eventually come. But why does it need to end so soon?

"No, Kyoya." I shut my eyes open then. I can feel his uneven breathes on my nape. "Even when our feelings are mutual we can't still be together. We're brothers. And, I already told you that I will live a new life with you. But I'm afraid we can't do that now, not when Hikaru's not opening his eyes. When things get better for him, the moment he opens his eyes after the surgery, I tell you, it is then I will abandon my connections with him."

"You can't do that. You said it yourself, Hikaru will go wild if he sees you nowhere. Not that he'll be able to see you again…" With that I went dramatically sad.

"I'm letting him go because I don't want him to get hurt anymore. If he loves me, he'll let me go too. Time will heal. All I want now is that, to see him alive and keep on going no matter what the consequences are. The love we feel to each other won't be accepted no matter where you look at it."

He sounded so serious when said those statements. A small part of it makes me happy, but the largest part partake the sadness and pain. I said, "Are you saying that our relationship is acceptable?"

"No." His answer was direct and straight. It's kind of….painful to absorb. "Such this can only happen in novels and fantasies. But if you are persistent enough, I might change mind and totally fall for you instead." I can see his smirk behind my head.

I stood up. Heaving a deep sigh I then turned to face him, and I offered my hand. "We've talk enough. Let's eat dinner before we go to Hikaru, alright, Kaoru?"

I saw his wide smile.

OoOoOoOoOoO

"By the way, I've wanted to ask you this long before, I just don't get the right chance." Kyoya said as we entered the hospital's lobby.

I'm a bit preoccupied now about Hikaru, I didn't mean to hurt Kyoya's feelings though, but I am still in the verge of worrying about Hikaru's condition. Although, Kyoya gave me his full assurance that the operation will be successful and save Hikaru's life. I just couldn't help but get nervous. Yet I managed to get over with my emotions and calm myself. Thanks to Kyoya.

He was right when he said I just need to rest and eat meals properly.

But regarding with his question, it was a bit intriguing.

"About what?" I enquired as we passed the lobby.

He halted from his pace and I did the same. I looked at him, confused.

"I was thinking that the fifth novel you made is inspired by a true story." That statement made me raise a brow, then he added, "It was unfair that you used your own name, and Hikaru's, but then Mr. Shades' real name that was revealed at the end is too far off. You used Kairi Oto instead of Kyoya Otori, it is quite obvious that the black suited man is inspired by me."

I crossed my arms as I grinned at Kyoya, "Why is it so a big deal to you, hmn?"

He pushed up his glasses as he walked past by me. "I must say that of all your novels, 'Reaching You' is the only one who has a good twist and ending."

"Well, you're one of the few readers who like it without criticizing it. The rest? All begging me to re-do the story, in fact, I get emails every single day saying, 'Make a sequel! Onegai, Kokoro-sama!' It gives me headaches."

"They're reacting as if they don't like it, but I tell you, things like this usually happen. They actually love it, loving it to the extent they couldn't get over. I like it so much too, I even want to turn it into a film. Rated M, that is. But I just couldn't understand why you didn't use my real name, it would have been better."

"Gee, you forget something important inside the writer and business' world, Kyoya." I said as I followed him to the elevator. "Are you sure you're an editor?" He rolled his eyes.

"Every novel has it. _This novel is purely fictional. All the characters in this book have no existence outside the author's imagination and have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. All the incidents are pure invention."_ I said as we managed to get in inside the elevator. I recited it many times until Kyoya just gave me a defeated look.


	22. Chapter 22

**a/n: Yay! Update again! **Hello guys, did you miss Hikaru/Kaoru scenes? If you do, wish granted here. ^.^ But I'm sorry to fail your expectations because this chapter is quite short, not too short, but I cannot just consider it long. I reserved a little announcement at the end of this chapter, so hopefully you would spend a little of your time to read it. ^_^

**blurredexaltation : **I am glad that you are willing to be my beta—yatta!—really, I need someone like you with my works. However so, I couldn't contact you since I cannot access your profile because you are not logged in when you reviewed, no? I cannot email you regards with this matter. If you are still willing to help me in beta-ing, please send me PM. Thanks!

*Above all else, have a nice reading ahead!*

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**Kaoru's Notes **

Chapter 22

O.O.O

It was a matter of fact that I have already given up Hikaru. I told Kyoya that. I could only alter it if Hikaru wasn't my real brother, but in our case, even if our love is mutual we couldn't escape from the judgement of the society's eyes. Especially from our parents.

Giving up doesn't all mean I don't care anymore. I decided to bring this forbidden love to its end not for my own benefit, not for my own purpose, but it's for Hikaru itself.

I don't care whether I am hurting or not, it doesn't matter to me if I continue to live inside a world wrapped with lies. What I am more scared of is putting Hikaru to a state where I don't want him to be.

I haven been through a lot. I managed to hid my feelings for eight years, and if revealing these sinful emotions might lead Hikaru into trouble again then I would rather shut my feelings down till the day I die.

It is a matter of fact that I love Hikaru more, even more than the feelings he has for me. I realized that if Hikaru loves me then he is more willing to let me go. To set us both free as a dove. But he couldn't. He was afraid to lose me.

In fact, he was always scared to set his eyes off me. I was thinking that his love is a selfish love. Hikaru is greedy. But I know that his selfish love is his _only_ way of loving, because apart from loving selfishly, Hikaru know nothing more.

He decided it himself to see no one but me within his world. Like me, he is blinded with so much love that he doesn't care about anything else anymore. It's no doubt we're twins.

I couldn't embrace the pressure that this love has driven me. I was the main cause of his accident. And his accident was the result of his selfish love. I am more worried than glad. I couldn't be glad if his feelings for me might always lead him to unwanted situations.

Having him an accident is too much for me to handle. I couldn't take another risk. I won't be able to hold on if Hikaru dies. Even from the start I was just content to see him close, to have him near, to hear his voice, to have his concerns for me. And I was thinking that it should remain that way.

Had it been that way Hikaru wouldn't have his injuries now.

"Kaoru, watch out!" I heard Kyoya snapped but I already hit my forehead on the door.

"Ow." I muffled, massaging my forehead.

Kyoya was then next to me, and he was the one to open the door. "God, Kaoru. Are you sleepwalking?"

"Sorry." I said, following his faint footsteps as he entered Hikaru's room.

I hit my head again but its now on Kyoya's firm back. I was then aware of the eerie silence inside the room and when I looked up ahead of Kyoya I saw the fragile figure of my mother.

"Okaasan!" I yelped, having my steps forward to face my mother whom I've not seen for a long time.

"Kaoru, my dear." She said as she came to me for a tight embrace. The hug was longer enough that made me feel the dampness on my shoulders. Mother is crying silently. Having her cry, knowing her pain, sharing the same sentiments regards with Hikaru's condition has also made me want to cry at the moment. Above all else, I missed my mother.

"I'm so sorry. I failed as a mother to both of you, I feel so bad for Hikaru." She sobbed on my shoulders and I pat her back. "Hikaru will be alright, Okaasan."

I looked at my lifeless brother on his bed, his eyes were closed and how I wish to see them open. I couldn't picture out his reactions if he's going to know he'll be blind. Is it possible to donate my eyes to him? But I know he won't really like the idea.

"Where's father?" I asked, cupping my mother's chin in order to face me. There were tears all over her lovely face.

She just shook her head as she began to speak, just then, I widened my eyes as I glance at once at my brother Hikaru.

What she answered was almost unbelieving but my mother won't lie. I even failed to notice Kyoya's pat on my shoulders just before he decided to exit the hospital room. Leaving me with unexplainable emotions, I don't know what to feel anymore. How am I to react? How is Hikaru going to react?

OoOoOOoOoO

Four days after Hikaru's surgery, I was still feeling anxious. He wasn't opening his eyes yet, although the doctor said that he is safe from danger. But how am I to rest at nights when Hikaru's not even reacting to my touch and voice?

His surgical operation was a success. The blood that clogged in his brain was taken care of. He isn't in a coma anymore, yet still, we need to wait till he wakes up by himself. Hikaru was there on his bed, he wasn't wrapped in white bandages anymore, the tubes and other medication wires were also removed from his body, and his breathes was now even.

The only material that is attached on his body is the bandage on his head and the one that covers his eyes.

My mother went outside to buy some fruits and Kyoya just rarely visits since he became busy at work. He calls me by phone most of the time.

And I didn't fail to notice that Tamaki-senpai and Haruhi were sometimes together as they come to visit. I was then wondering if Tamaki already knows about the fake marriage. But it never occurred in my thoughts that Haruhi would tell Tamaki. Because I believe, Haruhi isn't the type of person who would destroy Tamaki's marriage with Eclair.

I sat beside Hikaru's bed, and I often massage his hands and arms for some blood circulation. I never once left his side after the operation, I even sleep every night here in this room. Anticipating that he will wake up soon. When he does open his eyes, I know he will find me, and that I will be the very first person he will want to see.

I was holding his hands when I decided to stand up for some arm stretching, my body seems to be weaker than I could ever imagine. So I let go of his hands but I was surprised when he grasped me tighter. His finger muscles were suddenly moving and he wasn't letting go of my hand.

I stunned.

Hikaru is now conscious!

Like an eagle speed I went to sit again by his side, and I came nearer to his face as I whispered, "Hikaru?"

Hearing my voice I felt his breathes becoming uneven.

Just then his right hand moved up on its own, fumbling to touch my face, while the other was still grasping my hand. I was teary when his right hand had its way to touch my warming cheeks, cupping my chin, and then went back again to feel my quivering lips.

Then I feel the hold of his left hand has tightened. His mouth that was close for so long is now slowly opening to utter my name, "Kaoru."

I cried silently.

"Hikaru. Yes it is me. It's Kaoru. It's Kaoru..." I wasn't able to hold my tears as I went to kiss his right hand. My emotions were overflowing and my heart was overpowered with so much joy. For so long...I've finally heard my brother's voice! His very soft voice as he would utter my name...my name!

"I'm always right here, Oniisan." I reassured. Just then he shifted to move up, he managed to sit up without even noticing it myself, and right then, he pulled the hand he was holding to bring me into a tight—_passionate_—embrace.

"Kaoru...Kaoru. It's you, you're here." His voice was shaky and I could feel his body quivering against mine. "I was chasing after you...I found you nowhere. Where have you been? I...was..."

I closed my teary eyes as I embraced him tighter, snuggling on his neck I said, "You were hit by a car...you worried us so much. But it's alright now, Hikaru. Oh God, how glad I am to have you awakened."

I could hear the beat of his heart that was faster every second, he must have realized now that he's in a hospital, but he didn't say a word about it. Instead, he freed me from his arms and Hikaru's next move made my heart jump so high.

"What are you doing! Stop! Don't remove it, Hikaru. Your wounds there aren't still completely healed!" I shouted as I tried to cease his hands from removing the bandage wrapped around his head and eyes.

"I want to see you, this thing is blocking my sight!" He said and I was dumbfounded. "I want to see you so badly..." I give my full force to grab his hands and it wasn't hard to do so since he weakened when he noticed that he cannot—by himself—remove the bandage. He held my hand so tenderly, as if begging me, and if not by his bandage I might as well see tears falling on his cheeks. "Please...remove it. Let me see you, Kaoru."

I am crying now. Really.

I kissed the back of his hand, "Not now, Hikaru. Your wounds are still fresh. Please...just this moment...listen to me."

I don't know if he's going to listen to me or not, but I could tell that he is calmer now. I feel his chest heaving nervously. He turned his face down to me although he cannot see through with those white material, but even so, I feel like he was staring at me now oh-so seriously.

"You don't usually ask me to listen to you," he started, his voice was hesitant, "You don't even ask for requests. Even if you do, you know I won't listen to you. This time, I will."

He went to grasp my heated cheek, and he must have noticed now the tears that flooded over my face, "But please...Kaoru, tell me everything that I must know."

OoOoO

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E/N: Yay! So sorry for the torturous cliffhangers...But seriously, it was the part of this story. *.~ But I know you will not hate me now since Hikaru has finally awakened—that was a long diary, ne— *do you, in any case, hate me still? O.o

Soreni...eeto...uhm... Since we've reached this far, and since this fanfic is my longest story so far, I will dedicate a little but special contest... Not really an extravagant contest but I'll make a guessing game! Whoever guess what will happen next (between Hikaru/Kaoru's conversation, or what will happen to Hikaru that regards to his condition, etcetera) is granted a one-shot fanfic with the pairing of your choice! Whether it be ecchi, yaoi, smut, or just a slash with a slight of angsty-ness, I'll gladly fulfill it! Name your pair and describe what theme it will be, and I'll do the rest! Kkk.

*note: The guess must related only with Hikaru's condition.

So, the one who answered first and who got it right (or nearly right) then shall be the winner for this uh—little guessing game?. Whatever, just write the answer on the review section—not on PM's please, so that the other readers will read it and in order to avoid biased decision. In short, I don't accept answers on PM. See yah!


	23. Chapter 23

**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter 23

**Fireflymooncake** here! T_T I am so sorry for the 'very late' update. But I'm back again. I am soo happy that there still a lot who loves this story, that the readers are still anticipating for newest chapter! And here it is. **blurredexaltation **are you still willing to be my beta? Im sorry I did not send you this chapter for beta-ing, since I thought I wasted a lot of days for not updating already.

* * *

"Tell me everything that I must know, Kaoru."

His words are a painful iteration that rung inside my brain. I don't know what to say, nor how to start telling him. I lowered my head, afraid to meet his curious countenance, even though he cannot see me at all. Sooner or later he will know, yet I am here, afraid to meet his reactions.

One thing that I hate about myself is that: I know how to handle my emotions, how to control and restrain myself, but when Hikaru is involve I am utterly weak. I don't mind the pain at all, but I don't have to see my brother's pain.

I don't want him to be in pain. Perhaps Kyoya was right, that I am the greatest martyr in this contemporary world.

"Kaoru," I was startled when he cupped my chin, lifting my face up for he knew I wasn't looking at him. "I cannot feel my right leg. Is it about this? Am I disabled now? Is that why you're feeling worried?"

"No." I replied, grabbing his hand that cupped my chin, "The doctor said you'd be able to walk again after some time. You're fine now, you have awaken and that is the most important."

"I see." He heaved a sigh, a dishearten one. I thought he would be in rage after knowing about his becoming _temporarily_ disabled person, grumpy as he is, I was surprised when he was not agitated.

"When can I remove this thing on my head? It's irritating," He asked, his hand feeling the white cloth on his temples.

I leaned a little to fix his ruffled collar, and then I pinched his nose, "Wouldn't it be more appropriate to ask where's your wife rather than complaining about the bandage?"

I saw his mouth hanging open, "Where is she? Did she cry?"

"What can you expect, she's your wife, she's deadly worried of course." I said as I fumbled my phone inside my pocket, it is time to let them know that Hikaru had awaken. They'd be happy, too.

"Did _you_ cry?"

That question struck me. Did I cry? A lot. Didn't I? I cried when I saw him lying on bed, I cried at nights when no one was around, I cried each time I held his cold hands despite knowing that he won't feel mine.

I smiled forcibly, though he won't see it anyway, "We're twins. What can you expect."

He went silent.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru." I pinched his nose as I said, "A lot has happened because of your selfish doings, I don't really know which are you feeling sorry at all, Hikaru." I flicked my phone open and started typing as I continued, "But I don't really care how big or little the matter is, I just don't want this accident to happen again. So if your sorry now is sincere, you won't make me worry ever again."

He wore a weary look, "I'm really sorry."

I patted his head as I slowly stood up, "For the meantime Hikaru-niichan, I'll become your eyes and feet until the day it is healthy to remove those white bandages. So please don't hesitate to ask me whatever you want, as your twin brother, you are my responsibility."

I saw his wicked tiny smile, "It sounded like you are the older this time, Kaoru."

"I am all the time, you're just too stubborn to admit it." I elicited a small laugh, I am glad that everything's back to normal between us. I hope it will last long.

"Kaoru," He said but it was more like a whisper, I know he was going to tell something, but then the door opened and the next thing I knew there were nurses and doctors surrounding Hikaru's bed.

They were checking him and he was calling my name, and I said on a corner, "I'm just right here, Hikaru."

Reassured that I was still inside the room, he felt secured and he didn't question nor oppose whatever the nurses had made him to do.

I've sent messages to the other hosts, to Haruhi and to my mother. I was thinking to call my father wherein he is still capable, tell him that Hikaru has awakened, because even though he and Hikaru had a fight, I know that father still worries for him.

Mom told me the moment she arrived that our father is currently suffering from a terminal illness to which Hikaru has still no knowledge about. Our father's days can only be counted. And it will lessen my Dad's concerns to know that his son Hikaru is already safe from eternal comatose.

I know it is really hard in my mother's part especially because two important persons are confined in hospitals, one is diagnosed to have a bone cancer, and the other has engaged in a car accident. It is still hard to accept that my father has acquired such illness. And I needed to be strong for them. If not, then my mother might end up insane.

I don't think that telling Hikaru about our father's condition is a better idea at the moment. I don't know how he would react after knowing, nonetheless, I still have to think a better way on how to ease Hikaru's feeling when I tell him the sad truth about his eyesight.

For so many things that has happened recently, I don't know how I managed to continue standing. I also feel bad about myself, because I wasn't able to give much time for Kyoya, yet he is still there for me. But as for now, Hikaru needs me by his side especially now that he has awakened.

"Mr. Kaoru Hitachiin," the doctor called.

"Yes?" I exclaimed as I went closer to them, with nurses surrounding around Hikaru's bed.

"The patient may remove the bandage tomorrow. He is safe and sound."

With that statement, I was overjoyed. Tears fell down on my cheeks as I went to embrace my beloved brother.

OoOoOoO

"Welcome back, Hikaru!" Colorful confetti showered the hospital room, Tamaki-senpai was the one who initiated to throw up a small party for Hikaru's awakening. There were balloons up on the ceiling and smiles were attached to everyone's face.

Hikaru was laughing timidly and when Haruhi kissed him on the cheek, a sudden awkward silence come by. Tamaki's mouth went shut and after seeing this, Kyoya clapped his hands, "Oya, oya! I think it is time to get rid Hikaru from his suffering, let's remove his bandage so he'd be able to appreciate our preparations."

I am feeling unease deep within me, because I don't know how would Hikaru react to this.

"That's right! Especially since you've got to see Bunny's new color, Hikaru! He's red now!" Honey sempai exclaimed and I saw Mori rolled his eyes, unbelievably.

"Thanks everyone," Hikaru said, he continued, "Will you remove it for me, Kaoru?" Believe me, he wasn't looking at me, he was facing Kyoya.

Kyoya just shrugged his shoulders, then he gestured at me to do the task. I sat on his bed, just right next to him, I heaved a sigh of anticipation as I slowly, gradually removed the white cloth wrapped on his head. "The doctor said you shouldn't overreact things or else your fractured bones will be triggered."

"Why, did I get bald during the surgery?" He laughed a little before he paused, "Or even worst?"

I made him face me before I finally took off the loosened bandage, because I wanted to be the first one he'd see as he open up his newly acquired eyes. "Welcome back, Oniichan." I said as kissed his forehead, then I felt his body quivered as he slowly opened his eyes.

He blinked several times before he stared at me very softly and daringly, I smiled as I stared back at those unusual pair of orbs. For a brief moment, it felt like I was facing two different persons at a time.

"Kaoru! Oh, Kaoru...finally I've..." it was so sudden, Hikaru hugged me and in the next minute I was also embracing him.

"Erhm," Tamaki cleared his throat, but I think he was doing it on purpose, I know why, so instead of having a dramatic scene, I pulled away from the embrace—though I didn't want to.

Hikaru was shedding his tears and I bet he didn't notice it, he was facing everyone who then became speechless. "I'm so glad, you guys still care for me."

"Of course we do! How can we not? Gee, Hikaru." Tamaki punctuated as he poured a genuine smile, "So how is it? How'd you feel?"

Honey sempai hurried his way to Hikaru's bed, ogling him closer, "Ahhh, it's still kind of weird though."

"He'd be used to it." Kyoya butted in as he unfolded his arms, stepping closer to Hikaru's bed.

I saw Hikaru's reaction, he was so confused about what they were talking about, it was all my fault anyway, since I didn't tell him the moment he woke up.

"You're just making him feel unease, everyone." Haruhi said as she now stood beside me, smiling as she handed Hikaru a bouquet of flowers, "It's from Dad. He's sending his regards through this since he cannot come today."

"I should personally give my thanks to him as soon as I leave this place." Hikaru answered. I remained silent on his side.

"Kaoru, are you not feeling well?" He asked and I jerked when I felt his warm hands on my left cheek.

"No, I mean, yes. I am just so happy that you are now okay." I said.

"Is there something wrong? Is there something I must know?" He asked, his tone becoming hoarse.

"Well, you've got to see this Hikaru. Here!" Honey handed him a rounded mirror. "So what do you think? The doctor was so privy about who's the donor, but nah, I strongly believe that the person is gone to heaven now."

He was looking at the mirror, for a long moment he was staring at his own countenance there. And then he widened his eyes, narrowing them. He looked funny.

The operation was a success, but still, I am afraid to meet his reactions to this matter. Reasons unknown.

"Kaoru," he muttered softly and everyone was anticipating for his next phrase. "There's something wrong with my eyes. I look different. Had I gone mad?"

"Kaoru didn't tell you? They're new ones." Kyoya answered and I just sighed. It was so hard to tell him, if only Kyoya knows.

"What do you mean?"

"You've got a new pair of eyes since the brain surgery has damaged yours on the process."

"Hell what?" Hikaru exclaimed, his inquisitive eyes staring at us. "What is this all about?"

"You became blind, Hika-chan." Honey said, "but horay, a compatible donor came, so now you're not!"

"By compatible, you mean who? No, I think these eyes are very familiar to me, I hope my guess isn't right." He was tightening his hold on the mirror, I thought he was going to break it.

"I don't know, your doctor never said anything about who." Haruhi said, "But come on Hikaru, you should be glad that there's a person who's willing to help you."

"Who said I wanted a donor? They're not my eyes, did you even wonder what I would feel about it?" he was looking at me.

"Why are you feeling bad about it, Hika-chan. They suit you anyway, you still look cool...but even more fearso- mmfff!" Mori shut Honey up by covering his mouth with his hands.

"Kaoru, who is this humble donor?" Hikaru asked.

I am hesitant to tell him right away, but in order to get over with this feeling, I need to see his reactions. I look at him straight, and he was right earlier, that somehow, he looked different because of his new eyes. They're not cerise orbs anymore, they're hazel nut with a tinge of golden yellow. But no matter what color they are, he is still the Hikaru I know.

"Father's." I said, "They were father's eyes, Oniichan."

I witnessed how his eyes widened surprisingly, and in the corner of my eyes, I saw Hikaru's hand clenched together. It was a _bad_ sign.

OoOoOoOoO

E/N: Uwaah, I am so sorry that I wasn't able to meet your expectations, my beloved readers~! It took me so long to update because of some personal matters, but I sincerely ask for your kind consideration!

I am glad that some of you has participated in the little "guessing game" I've mentioned on the previous chapter, but I am quite sad to say that no one guessed it accurately right, haha. Ebony and some others were right about Hikaru becoming blind though, but for a brief time only, it wasn't even really detailed much. Ebony's idea of Kaoru donating his one eye to Hikaru is amazing, but now, readers, please be informed that the eye donor was not someone you expect, lol, the donor was the Hitachiin Father. It never came across your mind, did it? Hehe. I am looking forward to read different reactions about this chapter, see yah next!


	24. UPDATE! PLEASE READ KN FANS!

Hello my darlings!

It's been so long! This is not an update—this is a heartwarming note from ME. I'm sorry to have delayed the update of KAORU'S NOTES, and yeah, poor me, my last update was 2011! I'm very sorry to have make you all suffer my darlings! Now, now, I barely check my OLD email and thus I was unable to read reviews, PMs, and other stuffs here! Been busy in real life, yah know.

Behold, I am back! As in, I AM BACK! I'll be updating this story soon—as in soon—please be patient and IF you really want me to know what happens next, leave comments here because I LOVE reading them!

Thanks a lot for these readers who DID message me privately just to let me know how they want me to continue the story: tommy5146, NewDawn13, anime-nympho, joanna10 and RiNgLeAdEr Of ThE wOrLd! And also thanks to my other reviewers who keep coming back here! If you have not encouraged me to update, where would this story go to? AH, really, thank you all!

NOTE: KEEP IN TOUCH FOR THE UPDATE!

NOTE AGAIN: PLEASE COMMENT BACK—I WILL LOVE IT!

NOTE AGAIN AND LASTLY: I MIGHT DEDICATE THE LATEST CHAPTER TO ALL READERS WHO RECOMMEND THIS STORY TO THEIR FRIENDS!

With love, fireflymooncake


	25. Chapter 24

**Kaoru's Notes**

**Chapter 24**

**Author's note:** Here it is my beloved! The UPDATE! Hohoho! Ah, it took me years to update...please forgive me. I hope this chapter can compensate your waiting. I am considering to go back the previous chapters and edit my grammar errors—but nah, I think I'll do that after I complete this story. What you think? Oh—please tell me what you say about this chapter! Mwaah-hugs!

This Chapter is Dedicated to: FOR EVERYBODY! Of course!

Please love me and this story! I need lots of love recently. Hoho.

* * *

"They were father's eyes, Oniichan."

I saw Hikaru's hand clenched together. It was a _bad_ sign.

"Ha." He deeply breathed, and it was a sound of defeat, his shoulders dropped down as if in disgust. He heard me I know, but he caught up my eyes, and I wanted to hug him when he said, "You're kidding, right? There's no way I would have _his_ eyes."

"Hika-chan…" Honey-senpai gasped in concern as we heard Hikaru's sarcastic laughs.

"I'm not lying, Hikaru." I said, this time in a more convincing voice. How do I say it to him in a way that he won't go wild? Even if he's our biological father, I know that Hikaru hated him greatly ever since we were kids.

I don't know to which I am more terrified—his reaction to his unwanted eyes, or to witness how he's not even concerned about our father's death?

"He's gone, Oniichan, but he gave his eyes—" I wasn't able to complete my words because I already felt Hikaru's hand on my right cheek. I didn't see that coming.

"Who told you I wanted his eyes? I rather be blind, Kaoru! What have you all done to me?" He yelled at me and I could feel his frustrations. But no, he said it wrong. _What have you done to yourself—Oniichan? _I don't really know why he was so mad at Dad.

"Kaoru!" I heard Haruhi's yelp. I think I'm going crazy—I must be. I feel so sad that Hikaru is frustrated. And I feel so sad that he's more concern of his hatred than our father's death. What driving me crazier was that I sympathize with Hikaru more, even though I know he's wrong, even though he slapped me.

"What the hell, Hikaru!" Kyoya rushed to my side, he lifted up my swollen cheek. His piercing eyes turned to Hikaru and he grabbed his neckline, "I don't care about your condition anymore—I just really wanted to hit you right now, do you know that!"

Hikaru glared daggers at him, "Hit me then."

I grabbed Kyoya's arms and pulled him away from Hikaru, "Please don't Kyoya, leave us alone right now—will you?" I glanced towards Tono-senpai and signaled him to take everyone out of the room.

"Oya, oya! What a childish greetings you have, Mommy!" Tono vibrantly said, clutching Kyoya's arms like a sweet husband. "WE should take our leave now, everyone. I think the two needs a private, sweet moment!"

"Hey, you too, Haruhi! You can't explain things to Hikaru with all that tears, can you?!" Tono grabbed Haruhi's hand and she was pulled out of the room. The room was silent when they were gone.

Hikaru turned his face away from me. He was looking out the window and I wish I could read his mind. I didn't say anything. I know he's mad at me, he's mad at almost everything right now.

We were silent. But I could hear my own heart thumping. I was feeling sad, at the same time I was feeling excited—excited to hold his face and caress his tousled hair. I wish I could tell him "It's alright", that he's alive and he should be thankful for it.

Momentarily, I watched him lift up the mirror up his face, his expression went bitter and I saw his eyes narrow in frustration. I didn't flinch when he threw the mirror on the floor, breaking it into pieces.

"Hikaru." I called out.

"Please leave." He answered, he wasn't looking at me.

"I won't. You said you wanted to see me, right. Why aren't you looking at me?"

He was clutching his chest very hard, it seemed to me he was feeling a mysterious pain there. "These are not my eyes."

"You're stupid, Hikaru." I stood up and I went to pull him in an embrace, it was too sudden that he wasn't able to struggle. But I jerked when he curled his arms around my waist, then he nuzzled his face on my throbbing chest. "I'm sorry that I hit you," he said.

"You're so unfair." I said, feeling his warm hands around me. "You're supposed to be my big brother, why do I always end up comforting you?"

"I overreacted."

"Yeah, you did." I felt moist on my chest, it was then I realized that Hikaru was crying. I tried to let go of the embrace so I could lift up his face, but he stopped me by tightening his hold even more.

"Don't." He begged. "How can I see you using these eyes? Dad's dead, I got his eyes, I hated him still, but I'm so wrecked that he died and I don't even know it. I'm going crazy. I really am."

"I'm crazy, too." I said, using my own force I pulled out from his arms and I grabbed his wet face. I locked his eyes into mine. They were not the same eyes that I looked so intensely before, but even then, I loved him. "You've got Dad's eyes. Aren't you thankful, Hikaru?"

"It will always remind me of his death, of my hatred of him." He answered. I see. I think I understand now. He added, "It will remind me of how ungrateful of a child I am—how I can live with these eyes?" He turned his eyes down.

"Look at me, Oniichan." I said, I leaned my forehead onto his, I could feel our close proximity and I felt his sudden warmth. "You don't really hate our father, do you? You're just scared of him. I suppose it's because you always thought he's going to separate us."

I saw his eyes widened in surprise. He looked at me questioningly, and I think he himself didn't realize it at all. "Why do you—"

"I thought the same. We're twins, remember, I believe our thoughts are still intertwined." I explained, I was trying so hard to calm myself, even though I could feel his already hot breathes. I closed my eyes when I realized that I was staring at his lips, I'm the worst.

"How did he die?" He asked momentarily.

"He had a bone cancer. He kept it from us." I replied, feeling the pain when Mom relayed the information to me.

"I was always scared of him." I added, still closing my eyes. I went imagining those days when we were still young, when Dad and Mom wasn't still busy and they shared happy times with us. "I guess you are, too. But you mistook that fearful feeling for a hatred. I'm sorry I haven't noticed it before. I could have helped you overcome it." There was an awkward pause for a moment. Then I jerked in surprise when I felt Hikaru's burning lips onto mine. I snapped my eyes open!

Hikaru's kissing me!

I know I've been longing for his lips since time immemorial, even so, we're still siblings. Being the more conscious one I tried to struggled from his hold, but he snaked his arm on my nape, locking my face onto him. "Uhn…" I mumbled when I felt his tongue entered my passionate lips. He was hot, his tongue, his hands, his breathes, his beautiful face, everything in him was feeling hot—and I was feeling the same. How could such thing happen between siblings?

His kisses weakened me. Although it wasn't right, I had really wanted it—I wanted Hikaru. I could feel my hot blood rush down in me when Hikaru left my wanting mouth and nibbled my right earlobe, he whispered sadly, "Then…Kaoru…" I moaned when I couldn't hold it, this was getting me crazy. "…how do you explain this feeling to me? I wanted to hold you in my arms. I wanted your lips. I wanted your ears. I wanted your everything." He licked the insides of my right ear and I whimpered. I could feel his breathes when he said, "I wanted your love, Kaoru. Have I mistaken it for something, too?"

No good. My heart was throbbing and I felt like I might explode in any moment. "I think you have mistaken me for your wife. I'm your twin brother, perhaps you forgot."

He grabbed my chin, with his new hazel eyes, he looked at me so intimately and said, "She's not my wife." His words appalled me—my mouth dropped open. I already know about it, Haruhi told me so. But hearing it from Hikaru's own mouth still appalled me. "Haruhi and I are not really married. It was fake, Kaoru." I was so appalled at his own confession and he took advantage of my open mouth, he went to kiss me again. This time…hard.

He was playing with my tongue while my brain was busy processing the confession he just said. Why would he tell me this suddenly? Does it mean he's...he's not going to live with Haruhi any longer?

He yanked me on to the hospital bed. Then I realized that he was already atop of me. His long arms locked me so that I could not move. I got back to myself when he kept on staring at me. "I'm sorry to have kept it from you." He said then he leaned in closer for a kiss, but the door opened and from there we saw our Mom.

"What are you two doing?" She said, she gasped when she saw our awkward position.

"Hi, Mom." Hikaru said with a natural smile, as if there's nothing to be embarrassed for. The nerve. His frustrations, sadness, and anger from earlier seemed to have gone.

Hikaru pulled me up and curled an arm on my shoulders. I thought I might faint out of nervousness—had she noticed something weird?

"You see, I'm okay now. We're just playing games." Hikaru said and I could say no more.

I think I'm losing my sanity.

Because there's a part in me that hoped we're just simply playing games. Yet another part in me hoped that we weren't. Because you see, no matter where you look at it, we're twin brothers. Even if Hikaru faked his marriage with Haruhi, it would not change a thing. I knew it long ago.

He's still my twin brother Hikaru.

And I'm still his twin brother Kaoru.

* * *

_Okay, that's it for now. Don't kill me please!_ _I have a question though, how often do you want me to update this story? Now now, I'm very considerate of my readers. ^_^_


	26. Chapter 25

I update fast! Because my readers are lovely and I love you all. This chapter is specially dedicated to **Confessions-of-an-Animaholic** because I owe her so much! If it wasn't for her keen eyes, I would have destroyed the flow of this story. Thanks!

Ah...really...POOR ME.

* * *

**Kaoru's Notes**

Chapter 25

* * *

I called Kyoya earlier and said I would start living with Hikaru—temporarily. My brother still couldn't walk on his own. His doctor said that it would take weeks, his complete healing would depend how determine he was.

Our mother cried in the hospital earlier, she was begging us to come back. She wanted us to live with her in the Hitachiin Mansion. She said she wouldn't leave the country anymore. That was a good thing to hear.

I was surprised, however, when Hikaru refused her request.

"Just tell Haruhi to live with us, Hikaru." Mom told him. She thought that Hikaru's reason was because he was already married.

"We're not really married, Mom." He said and my eyes widened impossibly, as well as Mom's.

"Hey, Hikaru!" I said as I went to him, he was sitting on a wheeled chair. What was he saying? He shouldn't tell Mom about the fake marriage! Everything's a mess right now and Mom wouldn't be able to take it all. This wasn't the right timing.

"It was fake." He added. Mom stopped crying. She sniffed but her reply was unexpected, "Great. Then you have no excuse for not coming back."

What was that? That was…it?

Hikaru pulled my hand and I was dragged closer to him, he said, "I want to live with Kaoru, Mom. He's going to look after me while I'm still like this."

"We're both going to look after you." She said and no was his immediate reply.

"You don't get it, Mom!" Hikaru clenched his free fist, his other hand was still gripping my arm. He's got his temper again. "I don't need your pity. You can just go and busy yourself with other things as you always did. I only need Kaoru."

"You don't have to be like this, Oniisan. Mom cares for you." I told him when our mother started sobbing and whimpering in a corner. "Unless we live in the Hitachiin House, I wouldn't look after you, Hikaru."

He let go of my arm and he was clenching his teeth. Even so, I saw him sighing in defeat. "Fine."

* * *

It was only for two days but I think Hikaru and Mom were getting closer. Hikaru would always frown in front of them, especially to Dad when we were little.

I was happy that I was able to bring Hikaru back to this house. He wasn't saying it but I know he cared for Mom. He was not just used to it. I was glad that Mom repaid those times that we weren't together. I was sad, however, that I could no longer feel Dad's presence in this household. We visited his grave three days ago and Hikaru remained silent for the rest of the day.

Every morning I went to Hikaru's room to wake him up. I would encourage him to exercise his numbed feet in the garden. I was always assisting him in his shabby walks. He was progressing. In a few more days, Hikaru might come to walk again without my help.

Haruhi came to our mansion earlier. She had a long talk with Mom and Hikaru was with them, too. If Dad was alive, I think he wouldn't allow such thing to happen. Mom was still grieving over Dad, and I think she didn't want to waste her time in scolding Hikaru for being such a jerk. Tono, Honey, and Mori was also here the other day. The trio would visit Hikaru at least twice a week—except for Kyoya.

I was shocked when Honey-senpai told us the recent news. He was going to get married six months from now. The lucky woman was from a prestigious family, too. Julian Rue. We know her by name but we haven't met her. Mori-senpai was the one who was very sentimental about it. Well, I couldn't blame him. He had served Honey-senpan since time immemorial.

Tono said that he'd he leaving the country by next month—again. I don't know how Haruhi would react to that. But I guess she was letting him go forever. After all, Tono was already married to a beautiful woman. She wasn't really depressed over that matter. In fact, Haruhi left the house with a big smile. And I blushed when she left me with a whisper, "Hikaru's all yours now, Kaoru. Fighting!"

"What did she say, Kaoru?" He asked me when Haruhi was gone. He rolled his wheeled chair towards me. He took my hand and rubbed his cheek on my palm, in a soft voice, he added, "What is it that made you blush?"

Did he notice that? The nerve! I lowered my gaze at Hikaru and I almost jump, he was showering small kisses on my hand—what the hell was he doing inside our house! To think that Mom was still standing a few meters behind us.

"Stop that—Mom's behind us." I pulled my hand but he was desperate not to let me go.

"She's not looking." I groaned when Hikaru sucked in my pinky finger. Oh shit, his mouth was hot. When I remembered that our feelings were mutual, I moaned.

"Hikaru! Kaoru!" Mom called and I pulled away from Hikaru as fast as I could. My face was all red and he laughed—he laughed!

"Your face is red, Kaoru. You're so naughty." I felt like my heart was exploding when Hikaru released my hand.

How…how could he do such a thing!

"Yes, we're coming." Hikaru said as he rolled his chair towards her. But he stopped shortly and said to me, "By the way, Kaoru, I wouldn't stop you if you want to date. Just don't go to Kyoya's arms. Date a serious woman, Kaoru."

What was that all of a sudden? Mutual feelings, huh? The nerve. Even if we loved each other, we're still siblings. We couldn't pursue any love other than brotherly love. I think Hikaru was trying to tell me that.

"Haruhi brought a compensation cake. It will be nice if we can eat this together." Mom said as she horribly sliced the cake. "Hey, Kaoru, would you go and call Tanaka? I think I'm ruining the cake. How do I cut this evenly? Yah! Hikaru! Don't dip your finger on it!"

But wait a minute. Hikaru laughed naturally—didn't he?

* * *

We had an unexpected visitor today. Kyoya-senpai.

He brought flowers and sweets for Hikaru and I. I let him in inside the parlor and I said to him, "You didn't call me that you're coming, Kyoya."

"Then it wouldn't be a surprise." He smiled at me. He put the flowers on the table and he opened his long arms for me, "Don't I deserve a hug? I missed you a lot, Kaoru. You barely call me."

I walked to him and because he was taller, I looked up. Then I hit his forehead with my fingers and he cried. "What's that supposed to mean?" He asked.

"I'm just telling that we're inside our house. What would Mom and Hikaru say if they hear you saying that, senpai?" I explained and he pouted.

"When will you become mine?"

"You can wait forever, if you want, Kyoya. " I said. "Hikaru's still recovering. And you know his temper. He warned me not to go back to you."

"He can't control you forever. I will make sure of it."

"But we're brothers. I think he will come to understand me, maybe not now, but let's just…wait. So please, Kyoya, until he recovers completely don't provoke Hikaru."

"I wasn't informed that we have a visitor, Kaoru." Kyoya and I looked in surprise at Hikaru. He was holding his walking stick as he stood by the parlor's door. He wasn't using his wheeled chair anymore.

I was nervous at his sudden intrusion. But he wasn't angry like he used to be whenever he caught me up with Kyoya. He limped towards us then he turned to Kyoya. They were of the same height.

Shoot. Will he get mad again and punch him on the face?

When Hikaru offered his free hand to Kyoya, I was shocked. "I'm sorry for treating you badly, Kyoya. You're my senpai, so, can we start anew?"

I think my jaw had dropped down. It took me a lot of effort to process Hikaru's behavior. Did he say SORRY to Kyoya-senpai?

Kyoya didn't see that coming, too, but he took it anyway and they shake hands. "I was never indifferent to you, Hikaru." Kyoya replied with a smile. I saw Hikaru and he was smiling back at Kyoya. Right then, at that moment, I couldn't wish for more.

* * *

Hello beloved! We reached the end of Chapter 25. Whoa.

**END OF KAORU'S NOTES PART 1**

ONTO KN PART 2

You mad? Angry? Feeling complicated about this chapter? Don't hesitate to voice out your thoughts in the comment area or PM me! This is quite a short chapter but I hope I conveyed the message well. ONTO THE NEXT PART.

I created a poll on my profile. Please check it out. Who do you prefer Tono-senpai to end up with—Kyoya or Haruhi? Cast your vote! Thanks. –fireflymooncake


	27. Chapter 26

**Kaoru's Notes Part II**

Chapter 1

* * *

I haven't seen my face for quite a long time. I don't look at myself in the mirror ever since my accident. The last time I held a mirror was when I was still inside the hospital room—and I broke it. I don't like to see my eyes. They're not mine. They always remind me of Dad. And I was never fond of him.

I think Kaoru was right. I was scared of him. I was scared that he would take Kaoru away from me. I was scared of his capability and power as an old, filthy rich man, so I hated him. However, when he died of bone cancer and gave his eyes to me, I felt pang in my chest.

I don't know how to explain it. But I guess, as his son, I still look up to him as my father. I don't know if I love him, all I know is that I grew up hating him. He was more like a tyrant than a father. Despite that, I never wish him to die. I didn't want him to die.

I want to see Kaoru so I head to his room. I'm not using wheeled chair anymore. I use walking stick to assist me in my precarious walks. I'm improving day by day and it's all thanks to Kaoru.

I pass by a library room, it's a room that Dad used to love before. I didn't notice it's half-opened until I heard my mother's voice. "Yes, I know. Thank you very much. No, just keep everything under control until I return. My oldest son is still recovering, I can't leave now. Kaoru?"

I halt when I heard Kaoru's name. I limp quietly to the door. I always eavesdrop when it comes to Kaoru. I did this before when we were young.

"He wants Kaoru to take over the company, but I don't think he can do it now." Mom said and yes she did well. "Hikaru is more capable to handle it, but he's got personality problems." Well, as if I care. "You're the only person I can entrust the company to, please bear with us a little longer."

"You see, I left a business in Paris, too. Things are tough without him." She said miserably. "All I know is that my sons needed me more than the company, Director Ono." I feel like my heart beats a little faster when Mom said that. I didn't see that coming. Does it mean she truly cares for us now? I mean…seriously.

I left before she could end her conversation with Director Ono.

"Kaoru." I knock at his door and when he didn't answer, I step in. The room is empty. Where could he be? My faint, jealous heart starts to throb when a small part in my brain hinted that Kaoru went out to see Kyouya.

I was about to turn around when I noticed Kaoru's notebook on his study table. His favorite pen next to it. Right. It's the legendary notebook that he always carry around. Did he forget to hide it? He has it with him ever since high school. We're twenty-five now—just how valuable is this notebook, anyway?

Curiosity dominates my mind. I end up staggering with my walking stick towards the table, then I took it in haste. Guilt didn't cross my mind at the moment. I just want to know what he's scribbling all the time. One page will do.

I opened the notebook and I lost my balance when I quickly read the first page.

_I want to kiss Hikaru's lips. I think I love him. If we're not twin brothers, I wonder how his mouth would taste like? I really, really, love Hikaru. Will he look at me the same way I do? It's okay if I just write it…right? I think it's Hikaru's fault. He made me THIS WAY. _

_He made me this way._

In great shock, I drop the notebook.

* * *

I heard a car's engine stopped at the courtyard. When I looked out the window, I saw Kyouya stepping out of his red Ferrari. He's holding bouquet of flowers and boxes of chocolates. For some reasons, I suddenly pity him. But then again, Kaoru and I was more pitiful.

I grabbed my walking stick and exited my room at once.

It's time to act as Kaoru's real older brother.

* * *

Kaoru's just got back from his work. We're fashion designers. But he mentioned once to me that he has a leisure job. He didn't tell me what it was. But by reading his notebook I know then he is a novel writer.

My doctor said that I can go back to work next week. I can walk now. Although I still need my walking stick when my feet are tired. Kaoru found me reading a book as I sat on my bed when he entered. He brought a small box with him and a small mirror. He said he wanted to style my hair. So I let him.

"Look, Oniichan, I styled your hair." He said while bringing up a mirror to my face. I turned my face away and I heard his disappointed sigh. "You wouldn't see how handsome you are, Hikaru."

"I don't need to see it. I can just look at you." I replied as I searched his familiar eyes. No matter where I look at it—we're twins. He leaned in closer to my face, my faint heart throbs when he cupped my face, "What's the matter, Hikaru?"

"Nothing."

He raises a curious brow. He's still holding my face. "I think you're acting strange since yesterday, Hikaru. When you shook hands with Kyoya and said sorry to him, I was the happiest. But I still think it's weird."

I look into his eyes. For a short moment I endured it. But when Kaoru's warm breathes touch my face, I heave. It is really hard. It is so hard to be Kaoru's brother. Why are we brothers in the first place?

"Let's just say I realized my mistake." I answer him.

"Which one?" He ask and I couldn't blame him.

_I turned you into something that you shouldn't. _I think to myself.

"I was selfish." I say. And I really mean it now.

"That's not something new to me." Kaoru laughs. He lets go of my face but I caught his one hand. I see him blushed when I enclose his hand within mine. I stare at him with such passionate yet regretful eyes, and I say, "Was it hard, Kaoru?"

Kaoru's cheeks go terribly red and this time it is me who laughed.

"I didn't mean your dick, you horny brother."

"I didn't mean that either!" He stutters cutely.

_Yes, you didn't mean it that way, Kaoru. _I think as I look at him intently. I didn't know. I didn't know that I made him suffer for many years—I wasn't considerate of him. I just wanted him for myself and he was the one who suffered. What he wrote in his notes was right. I made him what he is today. I made him almost _exactly_ like me!

Frustrated by love.

I molded him to rely only to me so that he wouldn't look for someone else. I made him completely dependent on me. I took all his possession and wants and I even used Haruhi. I took his everything including his virginity. Then I left him hanging. I was nothing but cruel to him.

I controlled his life...to make him mine.

_I love Hikaru. I want him to hold me. But...we're brothers. I'm the worst, unforgivable. Even if our feelings are mutual, we can't change the fact that we're twins. There's no way we can pursue a love that's more than a brotherly love. It's a bittersweet truth._

That was Kaoru's recent entry on his notebook. It was so ironic to think that after so many years of wanting him for myself, it was Kaoru's notes that made me realize that everything I did for him was NOT RIGHT.

There is no way it can be right. Kaoru knew it himself—I didn't. I eliminated the wrongness of it because I was severely selfish. I wanted him for myself to a point I didn't care about _who we really are_ to each other. I was disgusted of myself.

When I look into his eyes now I see the same longing that I have. I made him like me. I should be happy because I succeeded in my plans. But when I read Kaoru's notes and I look into his eyes, I feel burdened. Guilt enclosed my wicked heart. I blame myself now. Because of my disgusted, blinded self I messed up Kaoru's innocent life.

He was supposed to be innocent.

And I was supposed to be his older brother who must protect that innocence. And yet, from the beginning, instead of protecting him, all I did was ruin him.

"Forgive me, Kaoru." I say to him. I grab his arm and pull him into a passionate embrace. I feel his heart beating almost the same as mine. "I will try to be your good, older brother from now on."

"…so please, forgive also yourself."

* * *

_Okay, that's it. First chapter for the second part. I upload it now because I will not be able to come back for two weeks. So, yeah, I'm gone for two to three weeks. I hope when I'm back I have lots of love and kisses from all of you. Till then! _

_No lemons for now! Hahaha. Nah._

_Mwaaaa hugs._

_fireflymooncake_


	28. Chapter 27

_Yes! I have the spare time to update now! So yeah, while I have, I'll use this opportunity. I know I said I won't update for two weeks but, yeah, I love you all. So I sneak out and present to you-THIS! Expect a great revelation on this chapter! And yeah, this is quite long. Flashbacks are coming...Yohoo._

* * *

**Kaoru's Notes Part II**

Chapter 2

* * *

_I will try to be your good, older brother from now on, Kaoru._

Hikaru told me that. Honestly, I didn't know how to react. I was quite shocked. But I was careful in not showing it to him. So I ended up hitting his forehead with my fingers. "You're always good to me. You're just…selfish." I told him and we laughed after that.

In the depths of my heart, I just had the feeling that our laughs were just meant to cover up our despair. We both knew it. But because we know, that we finally understood who we really are to each other, we decided to end it and pretended we didn't know. Sadly, pretending we didn't know each other's feelingswas hard.

Yet the damage has already been done.

But you see, we're brothers. Although we both wished we weren't.

Hikaru did his promise. He began taking care of me as his younger brother. When he was completely healed, he started working again as a designer, but he usually worked at home. I quit designing, by the way. I pursued my writing career and mother wasn't against it. I guess, when father died, mother realized her own failures, too. Although honestly, I felt quite alarmed about the company, she wasn't very talkative about it recently.

There was one time in a morning, mother and I entered the kitchen and we saw Hikaru preparing breakfast. The kitchen maids were silently standing in awe in a one corner. It was out of Hikaru's character, but we were awed by it.

"Seriously, Hikaru, you know how to cook?" Mother asked, because even she herself didn't know how. It was the first time that Hikaru cook for us. And it was also the last. Well, let's just say it was edible, but it could not pass for everyday breakfast.

I saw him sulking on his chair after that. So I went to him and pet his hair, "At least you tried, Oniichan." I jolted when he caught my hand, he entwined it to his, in a second I felt like my warm blood rushed down on me. It wasn't a good sign. I saw Hikaru closing his eyes. He was about to bring my fingers into his half-open mouth, but he stopped.

He quickly stood up, shocked by his own action. "I'm sorry, Kaoru." He just said and he walked away.

I remained standing. And I felt like my chest was going to explode. I knew it. It was really hard that we're brothers. It was hard for me. What more on Hikaru's case—knowing that he was more aggressive than I?

Living under the same roof was not a good option after all.

It was two months after Hikaru got out from the hospital. I went to Kyouya's house because we discussed matters about publishing my next book. When I got home, I was shocked by the news that Mom was sick, now she's bedridden. Hikaru and I had a talked with our family doctor, Dr. Masamune.

"She's stressed out. Is she overworking recently? At her age, she can't endure stress, pressure and depression all at once." Dr. Masamune said. Hikaru and I looked at each other, we didn't know anything.

"She's been smiling a lot recently. But we know she's still depressed over Dad's death. We don't know about her pressures—wait." Hikaru said, then he stopped for a moment. He turned to Dr. Masamune and said, "I've heard her talking about Dad's company. And I think she's worried about her clothing line in Paris."

"She isn't telling us anything, is she?" I said. "She loves her small company in Paris. She must have sleepless nights worrying about it."

"Madam received a call from Paris." Someone intervened, and we turned our gazes towards the door, we saw the house butler, old Tanaka, coming in. "Pardon my intrusions, my young masters, I knocked but no one answered."

"What is the call all about, Tanaka?" Hikaru asked.

"Without Madam's presence, the staffs are in a mess. It's in a state of run-down now. But Madam is struggling whether to go or not." Tanaka said.

"Kaoru…" Hikaru uttered, I saw his fist clenching on his lap, as if he was struggling in his own way. I was having the feeling that I wouldn't like his next words. He looked at me and with a compelling voice, he said, "I think you have to go in our mother's place."

"Are you kidding me, Hikaru?" I gasped, standing up. "I thought…I thought…" I was stuttering, unable to make the right words. I thought we discussed about it already, that we would be living as real brothers. But why was he sending me away?

"Are you sending me away?" I said. "You're getting tired of this setup, are you."

"That's not it!" He yelled at me. Dr. Masamune and Tanaka both gasped in surprise. "Please excuse us for a moment." He said as he walked towards me, he grabbed my arm in a way that wouldn't hurt me. He dragged me out of the room, leading me in to his own room.

When he closed the door, he pinned me carefully against it. His hazel eyes were locked into mine, and our faces were close enough to steal away a kiss. He wasn't mad, but I rather wanted him mad, than him melting me into his lustful stares. I might give in. "Don't you understand it, Kaoru? Mother is sick."

"I know. But sending me to a place I'm not familiar with is a different thing." I hardly said.

"Do you think I like it?" He asked.

"How would I know. It seems to me that you're simply sending me away."

It was after then that Hikaru pulled me into a hot kiss. I wanted it, so even though I knew it break his promise to me, I didn't push him away. I opened my mouth to give him more access and our tongues collided with each other, he moaned, I groaned.

I was disappointed when Hikaru ended the kiss, then he hardly looked at me, "Do you understand now why I have to send you away?"

"I don't." I said. "So please make me understand."

Hikaru grabbed my hand and placed it over his crotch. There was a bulge there. He was hard. Really hard. The thought of his hard member made me horny. "Every time I see you, it's like this. And it's killing me!" He said.

"Just two months, Kaoru, let me not see you for two months so I can get back to my senses. I promised you that I'll be a good brother to you, but I can't do it if my younger brother is hard-headed. So please, listen to me this once, let us not see each other for two months."

"Do you think if I'm gone for two months, everything thenwill be different?" I said to him. But I myself wasn't convinced of his derived solution. I loved him since we were young. And I loved him not as a brother for more than eight years. And then he loved me since he was a kid. What could a two month separation do about it?

He was silent. In a moment I felt his head on my right shoulder, his heavy breathes depressed me. His tone was wary when he said, "Still, I'm hoping it will work. Because if it wouldn't, I don't know what else would. Let's just try it, Kaoru."

"Hikaru..."

"Do you remember when I said I wanted your love? I'm getting crazy over this. Sometimes I don't know anymore what love is. Sending you away is still my selfish reason. Even so, will you listen to me? Let's not see each other...Kaoru...just two months. Help me."

"You're not the only one suffering here, Hikaru." I told him, curling my arms around his back. I felt his obvious bulge pressed harder on me. "Even I...even Mom."

"You're not being selfish. Because you know, if we keep it like this, all of us will suffer. It's not only about you here. That's why you have to send me away, I understand it now." I added.

I pulled away from my embrace and held both of his shoulders, and because he was taller than me now, I looked up, and said, "Let's help each other, alright. You really have to get back to your senses in two months. I'll work hard, too."

I saw Hikaru's smile. He cupped my blushed face, then he kissed me gently, not on the lips, but on my forehead. I heard him say, "Thank you, Kaoru."

* * *

"Dad, Mom, do you really have to go?"

My name's Tanaka. Just Tanaka. My Master Kazuki Hitachiin gave me that name when I started working as his butler. He was twenty when he hired me. And I was thirty-five then. I was the son of his father's old butler, if not for that fact, he wouldn't have me.

I took a glance at the mirror and I saw his young kid. He looked very sad about his parent's departure. My master was wearing a suit, and next to him sitting was his beautiful, sophisticated wife, Lady Yuzuha Hitachiin.

The master of the Hitachiin house was also the owner of the Hitachiin Group of Companies. His wife was a famous fashion designer in Paris. They're off to airport early in the morning. They'd be leaving for Peru. And I drove them.

"We've talked about this since yesterday, Kaoru. We'll be back soon, so just be a good, little boy, alright." My master replied huskily. "Tanaka's going to look after you."

Kaoru Hitachiin was a six year old, healthy boy. He was the only son of my master. And perhaps he would be the last, because my master's lady wasn't really fond of kids.

My little master, Kaoru, turned to his mother, but she was busy in her tab, so he had to shake her lap. "Mom! Mom! Look at me! It's so lonely being alone. Tanaka-san is boring!"

Alright, I could never argue to that.

"You'll get used to it, my child." Yuzuha Hitachiin said. "It's only for five months."

"Five months is so long." the little master pouted, I heard him say, "Mom! Why don't you give me a younger brother? Or a sister? I won't be lonely then! Please, please! Before you go please give me a brother!"

Master Kazuki and his wife looked at each other. Then they both sighed.

"Nah, we can't give you one right now, Kaoru. That's a very long process." I heard my master's laugh. I was agape. Recently, due to his pressures from the company, I hardly saw his smiles. Just then a black car ahead of us seemed to wobble in his pace.

_Screeched..._

"What the hell is that, Tanaka?" my master askedwhen I made a forced break on the limo. Little master Kaoru was swayed towards his mother's lap. And they both yelped in surprise.

"What was that, Mom?" he asked his mother.

"The car ahead of us is moving weirdly, My Lord. I have to slow down." I informed.

"We're going to be late in this pace." Master Kazuki commented.

There was a brief silence after that. When the black car I was referring about crushed onto another's car, I couldn't help but shout,"My Lord!"

I saw the black car crushed and the sudden impact caused it to roll down towards our limousine that was following behind them. It stumbled and rolled down towards us. It happened so quick that I wasn't able to maneuver the limo. I was afraid of my master's life, so I did my best to avoid the upcoming crush, but I quickly failed.

In a moment the sound of ambulance and police cars echoed on the busy road.

The next thing I knew, it was dark.

* * *

When I woke up, I realized I had lots of white bandages, especially around my head. I was in the hospital room. I had no idea how long I had been asleep.

My heart skipped when I remembered the accident and I worried about my master and his family. Limping, I dragged the dextrose post with me and got out from the room, not minding the pain all over my body.

I was like a freak as I walked in the hospital hallway. I was getting insane and all I wanted to do was to find my master and make sure they're alive. I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to them.

I asked each person I encountered in the hallway. "Where's Master Hitachiin? What room is he at?" But they nodded in me with disgust. They must have thought I was crazy.

I thought that my old, faint heart skipped when I passed by an Intensive Care Unit room. I saw my master standing by the glassed window, he was looking inside. And when I noticed his bandaged arm and wounded face, I ran to him. "My Lord!"

He turned to me and I was expecting his mad face. But all I saw was worry and concern. I hoped that it didn't mean anything bad.

I failed him. I did this to them. I kneeled down in front of him, even though I was in great pain myself. "I must be punished." I told him aggrievedly.

But I was in awe when he patted my shoulder and said, "Are you alright, Tanaka? Get up. It's not your fault. The driver was drunk."

I obeyed his command but I was still lowering my head. "How is the lady and the little master, My Lord?"

He added, "Yuzuha's still not waking up, but the doctor said she's fine. No internal damage done to her." He turned towards the ICU. When I traced his gaze, I saw a young boy laid on a hospital bed, he was full of bandage up to his little face. He was of the same height as my little master Kaoru. Could it be that...? I groaned. Colorful wires were taped to his little body.

"Oh, Young Master Kaoru!" I felt like my knees were weakened.

"He's not Kaoru, Tanaka." He said and I looked at him, surprised. "I hugged my little boy when the crash happened. Though we both hurt our heads. He's in room 17."

I felt like a thorn was pulled out from my heart. I was relieved when I heard that.

"Then who's that little boy? Why are you here, My Lord?" I asked simultaneously.

"He's the son of the black car's driver." He paused briefly, then added, "The boy's father is dead on arrival. He is survived by this little boy."

"Mr. Hitachiin!" I was processing my master's words when a doctor called out his attention. The doctor was not alone, he had a companion, probably a doctor too since he was also wearing a white gown.

"How is it going, Dr. Masamune?" My master asked him. I stood silently by his side.

"I did as you requested. This is Doctor Jin Kang. He's a well-known cosmetic surgeon in Korea." Dr. Masamune introduced his companion. Plastic surgery? I didn't know what was going on. I saw my master shaking hands with the newly introduced man.

"I've heard your concerns from Dr. Masamune, Mr. Hitachiin." He was a tall man. His skin was yellowish and he wore thick glasses. He had a pretty face, as expected from a cosmetic surgeon.

My master handed him a small picture and said, "That's my son Kaoru. Could you...could you make the boy look exactly like my son?"

"Like a twin?" Dr. Jin asked.

My jaw dropped down in awe at their conversation.

"Yes. Could you make it?"

"I could shape him." Dr. Jin said, confidently.

"Will the age matter? Dr. Masamune said the little boy is around eight."

"Don't underestimate my hands, Mr. Hitachiin. With my cosmetic technology, age doesn't even matter." He paused for a second before he added, "The only problem is that...we have to wait until the boy is past the critical stage. According to the findings, the boy hit his head hard, the impact might even cause damage to the boy's personality in the long run."

"So he'll go crazy? If that's the case then I won't have him."

"Well, he's not to go as far as that."

"So when will you shape him?"

"More or less two months from now. I have to see how damage his face is. I'll have to wait till the bandage is taken."

"Then I'm counting on you, Dr. Jin."

They shook hands again and when the doctors were gone, I turned to Master Kazuki. My eyes were like a bloated puffer fish. "What was that, My Lord?"

"I will tell Yuzuha about this plan when she wakes up. But keep this secret from Kaoru, Tanaka. He's still a six year old boy, he will believe whatever I say."

"But what about the child's family, My Lord? What your planning is ridiculous!"

"The boy's only family is his father and he's dead now. He was bankrupt and he drunk himself to death. He has no one to return to."

"So you decided to keep him as your son? That's it, My Lord?"

"No. He's not my son. I would only keep him to become Kaoru's companion. If he has a playmate brother he won't be lonely while we're away. But...if he does well I might even make him my successor."

"Heavens, My Lord! What about the little master?"

"Of course, I'm just kidding. There's no way I'll make him my successor. We're not related by blood at all. So, Tanaka, make it sure that you also learn how to distinguish them apart when the surgery is done."

"But My Lord!"

"Tanaka!" He yelled at me and I was silent. "I'm a very, very busy man. I can't explain everything." Just then, my Master Kazuki walked away.

I was left in shock.

* * *

Kaoru's flight to Paris was scheduled tomorrow at four in the afternoon. We held a farewell party for him in the Hitachiin Mansion. Everyone in the host club was there except Tono. It was a sentimental farewell party. Haruhi even cried.

"Nah, Haru-chan, he's only gone for two months you know." I heard Honey-senpai told her in the midst of her sobs.

"I can visit you there, Kaoru." Kyoya said and I glared at him. "What?" He asked me. "I thought we've made out already."

"But it doesn't mean you have to tail him wherever he goes." I said.

"I like Kaoru, so it's normal if I want to see him when I miss him, you know."

"Kyoya-senpai! Remember what I said?" I heard Kaoru as he turned towards Kyoya.

"Alright, alright. I'm just teasing Hikaru." He laughed. I sighed.

"So where's Auntie?" Mori asked.

"She's sleeping in her room." Kaoru replied and I added, "She cried the whole day. She got tired from it."

"Isn't she sweet recently?" Haruhi smiled, her eyes were sparkling as if there were flowers on them.

I saw Tanaka coming to us and he excused me from the rest. He handed me a letter and said, "It's addressed after you, Master Hikaru."

I checked the letter and mysteriously, there was no sender address. "Who sent it?"

"There's no name. But it's an urgent letter." He told me as he pointed an "urgent" word on the letter's front.

"Alright. Thanks for this, Tanaka. You may go now." I said.

When he was gone, I opened the letter.

_Greetings Mr. Hikaru Hitachiin!_

_How are you? It's been so long. Well, you don't know me but I know you. I have important matters to discuss and examine with you. You need to see me if you love your precious life. Meet me at four o'clock tomorrow at Dr. Masamune's clinic._

_Ah, by the way, don't tell anyone about this. _

_Sincerely your follower,_

_Doctor Jin Kang._

* * *

_Don't kill me. Thank you.  
_

_mwaaa hugs._

_- fireflyMooncake._


End file.
